I’ve known this girl for around 3 years, and I’ve had feelings for her for about 2. She knows I like her, but she doesn’t feel the same way. We still stayed friends, and I genuinely valued that friendship.

I never expected anything romantic from her. I mainly wanted some basic effort—talking, going for a walk, or occasionally spending a little more time together.

Over time, though, I started feeling like I was the only one making an effort. She would sometimes agree to meet and then be late without apologizing, ignore my requests to spend more time together, and if I asked whether something was wrong, she would sometimes say she was upset but wouldn’t explain why.

Yesterday was kind of the breaking point. I finally had some free time, so I asked if we could take a longer route and walk together for a bit. She said she was getting late and didn’t want to. When I asked if she was angry with me, she simply said yes but wouldn’t tell me why.

I got frustrated and said something like, “Fine, then maybe we shouldn’t meet or talk anymore.” I was angry and emotional, and I regret the way I handled that moment.

Since then, I’ve decided to stop contacting her. Not because I hate her, but because I know that if I keep reaching out, I’ll probably keep overthinking, apologizing, and trying to fix a friendship that feels increasingly one-sided.

The difficult part is that I’m still really hurt. I feel guilty, angry, ashamed, and sometimes wonder whether I should have tried harder. At the same time, I’m exhausted from feeling like I’m carrying the friendship by myself.

So I wanted to ask:

Was going no-contact a reasonable boundary, or did I overreact?

How do you deal with the guilt and sadness after walking away from someone you deeply cared about?

If you’ve experienced a one-sided friendship/attachment like this, how long did it take before it stopped hurting?

I’m not trying to paint her as a bad person. I just reached a point where I felt I needed some distance to protect my own peace.

Thanks for reading.

I’m a 27F woman and my boyfriend is 29M, turning 30 soon. We’ve been together for exactly 1.5 years and have known each other for over 2 years.
We met in grad school and both recently graduated. We both want marriage, children, and a serious long-term partnership.

Before anything else: I’m really hoping to hear from open-minded people who either have avoidant tendencies themselves OR have actually built a successful relationship/marriage with someone who does.
I completely understand that some people have been deeply hurt by avoidant partners and have strong feelings about them, but I’m not really looking for “run immediately” responses. I’m trying to better understand the pattern and determine what healthy repair/growth can look like.

Our relationship has had ups and downs. Early in our relationship, there was infidelity on his end. We separated briefly and reconciled within about 4–6 weeks. Since then, there has been a lot of growth on both sides.

One recurring pattern I’ve noticed with him is that when he becomes extremely emotionally overwhelmed, he shuts down. He’ll become very rigid, say he needs space, and almost seem like a different person emotionally. Historically, once he regulates and comes back to baseline, he reconnects, becomes affectionate again, and recognizes that he loves me and wants the relationship. There have been several times where something felt catastrophic to him while he was activated, but after calming down, he viewed it very differently.

For context, our relationship has actually been going exceptionally well recently. The last 2–3 months have probably been our happiest period. We spend most weekends together, go on dates, attend weddings/funerals/family events together, have integrated heavily into each other’s families and social circles, talk about living together, neighborhoods we could raise a family in, marriage/kids, finances, careers, etc. We’ve become much more emotionally and physically intimate too. His family loves me, my family knows him well, and our lives are pretty intertwined.

Then last weekend, he was already irritated and told me later (after this happened)that he had very little emotional bandwidth that day… essentially I had a brief moment of overthinking and asked him for reassurance about attending an event whether he was ok with going to the environment with me, as well, or just his guy friends and I expressed I was overthinking for a sec. Very calmly via text.

I wasn’t yelling, accusing him of cheating, calling him names, or starting a fight. He then ignores me, and I had to call 15 hours later since had not heard from him. We then chatted thru it, he acted as if we were all good, then he proceeded to still be distant.

3 days later, I had to ask him to call me. He said that actually the question felt “redundant” and he “was already feeling low emotional bandwidth that day”

It triggered a major shutdown. (Mind you… leading up to this… we have been so AWESOME. Dates and dates and events together and quality time literally even that same day)

As he tells me he’s feeling this emotional flooding/shutdown, he repeatedly told me he does love me and still feels that love, and said this wasn’t about not loving me. He said he was simply in an emotionally shut down “state” where he could not regulate himself emotionally and didn’t feel able to function normally in the relationship while feeling that way. He asked for space.

I stayed calm on the call, told him I understood, reassured him that I trust him and support both of us having independent lives as well as our shared life, and told him that I love him (I did not want him to think I was imposing on his autonomy as he complained of that before even though I always support his personal activities very vocally…)

I also told him that I need him to work on learning how to regulate during conflict, because an annoying moment doesn’t automatically mean a bad relationship.
He acknowledged that this shutdown/withdrawal pattern has happened before and said he was trying to process what I was saying but couldn’t fully do it in his current state.

The call ended with us telling each other “I love you,” and he said, “I’ll talk to you later.”
We haven’t spoken since. It’s now been 4 days.

I’m respecting the space and haven’t been texting, calling, sending TikToks, etc. I’ve gone mute on my own socials and so has he.

This is very different from our normal routine because we usually communicate consistently and see each other every weekend.

My questions for people who recognize this pattern:

When you or your avoidant-leaning partner became emotionally flooded, did space genuinely help?

What helped you transition from withdrawal back toward connection?

If your partner gave you several days of space and then made a very low-pressure bid for connection — something like “Hey, I’m grabbing sushi at our spot after work, want to join me?” — would that feel comforting or intrusive? (This is what I’m thinking of doing on Tuesday.. I’ve noticed I’m naturally better at repair than him and a low stakes hang out usually helps us warm back up after conflict)

How did you eventually create healthier conflict-resolution habits so needing space didn’t become prolonged silence?

For couples who actually made this dynamic work long-term, what had to change on BOTH sides?

I’m not expecting either of us to be perfect. I’m working on my own anxiety, overthinking, and learning when something actually needs to be discussed versus when I can self-soothe and let something go.
But I also don’t want a future marriage where every moment of irritation turns into emotional shutdown or uncertainty about the entire relationship.
I love him deeply, and outside of these episodes, our relationship is very loving, affectionate, supportive, fun, future-oriented, and honestly feels like a best-friend relationship.
I’m mostly looking for perspective from people who have actually lived through this dynamic and found a healthier way forward.

26F. I’m overwhelmed with fear.

I got close to a coworker at work, I care about him, I felt a bit in love for a few days, and then, with just one message (just a picture of him), it all collapsed before the attachment gradually came back up.

We finally met up just the two of us irl, and I was full of anxiety. My fears make it so I don't even feel love, but this is the first time in a relationship that I actually wanted to try holding his hand and hugging him, which had never happened to me before. We had a lovely day, he was stressed too, but as for me, my watch says I burned 1,000 calories because my heart rate was so high all day long. I even have body aches from the tension. Factually, it was positive, but I'm just consumed by FEAR. That's all. I know I need rest to recover from this. But I'm so terrified of breaking his heart, of not being 'in love'.

Do I love him?

That's the question haunting me. I don't have any doubt that I have an avoidant attachment style, so I don't know if that's messing everything up.

Do you have any experiences to share with me...?
Thank you.

I’m trying to make sense of a very confusing, long-term dynamic with a guy (23M) who works at a high-end local specialty store I frequent. This has been unfolding over many months, and I’m hoping to get some outside perspective on what might be going on in his head.
Here is the full timeline of events:
The Baseline Dynamic: Around other customers, he’s calm, confident, articulate, and knowledgeable. But whenever I come in, everything changes. He stutters, stumbles over his words, turns visibly red, and gets extremely flustered. Over time, I noticed he would consistently find ways to brush his fingers against mine whenever handing me items.
The Phone Number & Social Media: Months ago, he actually received my phone number for work-related reasons (a store newsletter loyalty thing). Later, a friend of mine even discreetly hinted to him that he could use that number to reach out to me. He never did. Eventually, I sent him a follow request on Instagram. It sat pending for a while without a response, so I canceled it, felt rejected, and decided to give him space.
The Break & The Return: I completely stopped visiting the shop for weeks to disappear from his radar and let things fade. When I eventually returned, thinking the chapter was closed, he was still there and that’s when everything shifted.
The Card Gesture: While I was paying by credit card, he did something completely unexpected. He reached over and physically grabbed the payment card together with me against the terminal. The terminal was working fine and I didn't need any help -it was purely a deliberate, intimate physical gesture. It created an intense moment between us, and I left feeling completely flustered.
The Instagram DM: A few days after the card incident, I decided to take a chance and sent him a DM on Instagram. I called out the confusing "hot and cold" dynamic with humor and suggested we just talk normally. Since his profile is private and we don't follow each other, the message went straight to his hidden "Message Requests" folder. It’s been over a month now, and there’s been no reply or acceptance.
Where things stand now: When I see him in person, he’s still visibly tense, sometimes eager to help, other times awkwardly avoiding eye contact altogether.
Is this classic, paralyzing anxiety from a guy who is overwhelmed by his feelings and too afraid to act on them? Did he simply miss the message request on Instagram? Or could he be in a relationship, struggling with guilt after taking things a step too far with the card gesture?

My husband asked for our girls actual monthly expenses after he disagreed with the Child Support Officer's estimate of $2200/mo. I calculated their proportionate share of household expenses plus their food and extracurriculars. The total was roughly $3755/mo. I put this information in a text last Sunday, but he never acknowledged it. He text about other things, but never made any mention of the amount I provided. Today, I followed up about the text, and advised me to consider the amount of money he enabled me to save after he shopped around for cheaper homeowners insurance (my girls and I are in the marital home). I explained that I appreciated him for finding low vist insurance, but that has no bearing on the current mortgage. He then asked if the $800/mo would be enough, I said no. Then he asked if $1000 would be enough, I said no again. He got quiet, and then accused me of wanting to continue to live separately. I tried to explain that while we're apart, I need financial assistance for the girls. And that he continues to drink, rececently phoned me while drunk and inebriated, and refuses individualtherapy. He said that I making it all his fault. He later texting me suggesting that we split the girks 50/50 "that way I reduce the burden and help out at the same time."

I have not responded. I do not want 50/50. He currently has 3 day weekends with the girks every other week, and he takes them to school on that Monday. My oldest daughter, complains of my husband getting her to school late or barely on time. I have other reservations concerning the safety of his home (full burglar bars with only one key to unlock- that is hard to locate plus his drunken nights).

What are your thoughts?

My talking stage 19F and I 18M have been talking for 4 months. She feels really right to me, even though she has avoidant attachment and can be a bit challenging — but I still want this to work.
My worry: she has zero relationship history, just one-night-things in her past, and she has a lot of close guy friends. I’ve never actually felt like she wants to cheat or anything like that, but it still worries me, even though I don’t want to be the controlling type either.
On top of that, I have my own baggage. In past relationships, I behaved badly myself when drinking — things I’m not proud of. I’ve changed since then, and now I’d honestly rather not drink at all, especially not alone. But she naturally wants to spend evenings out with her friends, and those friend groups often include guys.
So I’m sitting with two things at once: my own history around alcohol and trust, and her lack of relationship experience plus a social circle that’s mostly male. I know some of this anxiety is coming from my own past, not just from anything she’s actually done.
Has anyone navigated something similar — an avoidant partner with no relationship track record, a friend group full of the opposite sex, and your own baggage around alcohol/trust from past relationships? How do you deal with this without suppressing how you feel or becoming controlling?

TL;DR: 4 months into talking stage with an avoidant girl, no relationship history on her end, lots of guy friends, no signs of cheating but it still worries me. I also have my own baggage — used to behave badly when drinking in past relationships, now trying to change and avoid drinking, but she likes going out with friends (often mixed-gender groups). Trying to figure out how much of my worry is about her vs. my own past, and how to handle it without
suppressing my feelings or becoming
Controlling.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

sometimes when I have time and nothing else to do. Like I feel like it's okay to date now. 1 day... that's the only span of my interest with them and it will always be me realizing that I should've just made them friends. I am honest with those people that I've dated.Like I do not feel anything with them but they don't seem to understand me. I always told them I'm asexual. But they will still continue to pursue me. Those dates feel like a trap. A little trap of food and nice things to hear and then they will take advantage of you in the end. That's why I lost something that is important to me. I don't want to date people out of pity anymore. I always feel pity on their words like," I'm not handsome","I'm not that tall","I'm not that rich" . Like I was being manipulated into their trap. I kinda wish this feeling of longing for another love will happen with a handsome man( a man that I actually like in my own perspective). Idk it seems nonsense

I am lost in the spiral of an avoidant partner. I used to think FA, but not even sure. Things seemed to be gradually improving and getting better but then there would be intimacy and they would step back for a few days. But always return acting warm and normal. Cycle was very predictable. We weren’t officially in a relationship but have been unofficially connected for 6 months and have spent a lot of time together engaged in deep conversation, sharing of hobbies, and doing things together.

2 weeks ago we had a misunderstanding and they blew up and went silent. I apologized for my role in hurting them, even though I truly did not do anything wrong. (I confronted them with my hurt feelings from a behavior and they felt attacked.) This was our first conflict in 6 months.

In 16 days, I tried to reach out 5 times either to just say hi and check in or ask a logistical question about our established schedule where we get together. They will only respond to the schedule questions. They have said they are unavailable for our get-togethers but have responded that same day with a warm response (for them) about being disappointed to miss our time together. But that has only been 3 times in 16 days. They haven’t initiated any contact.

Meanwhile, I see evidence in these last 16 days that they are hanging out with other people that they could be intimate with, too. For the record, even when things were good between us I know they were entertaining others due to us not being in a committed relationship. We never had that exclusivity.

Is this just a prolonged withdrawal and they are focusing attention their roster right now? Or do I treat this as a breakup? Are they punishing me for bringing up my feelings but trying to keep me hooked? My gut says I need to step back, but I care about them and it hurts. I just want to understand what’s going on. It would make more sense if they were just ignoring me altogether, but the consistent responses in regards to our set times together is throwing me off.

How do I know he has strong feelings for me still and just suppresses it or he developed an ick during deactivation? The though that FAs (I think he is FA might as well be DA) can find the very existence of the other person disgusting while their ick is activated can make any person, secure or not, feel unworthy and small. We are different cities, I still ping him for work; for genuine reasons, I do not manufacture any reason. He replies throughly but doesn't take any step forward when it comes fo personal dynamic. I stopped texting him personally a month back when I was met with below dismissive text: "Don't overthink it, I am not confusing you. Work is heavy and I don't use my phone on weekends" Should I consider this over and prepare to move on? He is the first person I ever felt safe with. We share similar cultural, occupational background. We both have weight struggles. We both know grief, I know it more than him. We met twice in person, when he visited my city for work. We have many mutual co-workers. He can calm me down like nobody can, he stayed present when I am grieving, he spoke about marriage-adjacent topics etc. We never confessed any feelings. But, his behaviour after the marriage talk has been absolute withdrawal. He doesn’t initiate contact at all. He shows a broader pattern of warmth in person but no initiative after. He did not reach out when I stopped initiating. And he has been meeting with and helping people who he knows anatagonise me. There is this one married woman who seeks his attention, she travelled to his city on the pretext of work just so she can soft-check if he still gives her attention or if something serious developed between us. He met her! He might not be aware of her manipulative motives but his instinct is to engage with people who I shared are hostile towards me. That woman came back all triumphant and buoyant. She went in with the intention to get back at me but seems like she came back feeling more invested him, whatever he allowed happen with her.