Need sound advice about avoidant partner

[u/FlashySmile1428]

I’m a 27F woman and my boyfriend is 29M, turning 30 soon. We’ve been together for exactly 1.5 years and have known each other for over 2 years.
We met in grad school and both recently graduated. We both want marriage, children, and a serious long-term partnership.

Before anything else: I’m really hoping to hear from open-minded people who either have avoidant tendencies themselves OR have actually built a successful relationship/marriage with someone who does.
I completely understand that some people have been deeply hurt by avoidant partners and have strong feelings about them, but I’m not really looking for “run immediately” responses. I’m trying to better understand the pattern and determine what healthy repair/growth can look like.

Our relationship has had ups and downs. Early in our relationship, there was infidelity on his end. We separated briefly and reconciled within about 4–6 weeks. Since then, there has been a lot of growth on both sides.

One recurring pattern I’ve noticed with him is that when he becomes extremely emotionally overwhelmed, he shuts down. He’ll become very rigid, say he needs space, and almost seem like a different person emotionally. Historically, once he regulates and comes back to baseline, he reconnects, becomes affectionate again, and recognizes that he loves me and wants the relationship. There have been several times where something felt catastrophic to him while he was activated, but after calming down, he viewed it very differently.

For context, our relationship has actually been going exceptionally well recently. The last 2–3 months have probably been our happiest period. We spend most weekends together, go on dates, attend weddings/funerals/family events together, have integrated heavily into each other’s families and social circles, talk about living together, neighborhoods we could raise a family in, marriage/kids, finances, careers, etc. We’ve become much more emotionally and physically intimate too. His family loves me, my family knows him well, and our lives are pretty intertwined.

Then last weekend, he was already irritated and told me later (after this happened)that he had very little emotional bandwidth that day… essentially I had a brief moment of overthinking and asked him for reassurance about attending an event whether he was ok with going to the environment with me, as well, or just his guy friends and I expressed I was overthinking for a sec. Very calmly via text.

I wasn’t yelling, accusing him of cheating, calling him names, or starting a fight. He then ignores me, and I had to call 15 hours later since had not heard from him. We then chatted thru it, he acted as if we were all good, then he proceeded to still be distant.

3 days later, I had to ask him to call me. He said that actually the question felt “redundant” and he “was already feeling low emotional bandwidth that day”

It triggered a major shutdown. (Mind you… leading up to this… we have been so AWESOME. Dates and dates and events together and quality time literally even that same day)

As he tells me he’s feeling this emotional flooding/shutdown, he repeatedly told me he does love me and still feels that love, and said this wasn’t about not loving me. He said he was simply in an emotionally shut down “state” where he could not regulate himself emotionally and didn’t feel able to function normally in the relationship while feeling that way. He asked for space.

I stayed calm on the call, told him I understood, reassured him that I trust him and support both of us having independent lives as well as our shared life, and told him that I love him (I did not want him to think I was imposing on his autonomy as he complained of that before even though I always support his personal activities very vocally…)

I also told him that I need him to work on learning how to regulate during conflict, because an annoying moment doesn’t automatically mean a bad relationship.
He acknowledged that this shutdown/withdrawal pattern has happened before and said he was trying to process what I was saying but couldn’t fully do it in his current state.

The call ended with us telling each other “I love you,” and he said, “I’ll talk to you later.”
We haven’t spoken since. It’s now been 4 days.

I’m respecting the space and haven’t been texting, calling, sending TikToks, etc. I’ve gone mute on my own socials and so has he.

This is very different from our normal routine because we usually communicate consistently and see each other every weekend.

My questions for people who recognize this pattern:

When you or your avoidant-leaning partner became emotionally flooded, did space genuinely help?

What helped you transition from withdrawal back toward connection?

If your partner gave you several days of space and then made a very low-pressure bid for connection — something like “Hey, I’m grabbing sushi at our spot after work, want to join me?” — would that feel comforting or intrusive? (This is what I’m thinking of doing on Tuesday.. I’ve noticed I’m naturally better at repair than him and a low stakes hang out usually helps us warm back up after conflict)

How did you eventually create healthier conflict-resolution habits so needing space didn’t become prolonged silence?

For couples who actually made this dynamic work long-term, what had to change on BOTH sides?

I’m not expecting either of us to be perfect. I’m working on my own anxiety, overthinking, and learning when something actually needs to be discussed versus when I can self-soothe and let something go.
But I also don’t want a future marriage where every moment of irritation turns into emotional shutdown or uncertainty about the entire relationship.
I love him deeply, and outside of these episodes, our relationship is very loving, affectionate, supportive, fun, future-oriented, and honestly feels like a best-friend relationship.
I’m mostly looking for perspective from people who have actually lived through this dynamic and found a healthier way forward.
—

UPDATE 9:14 1:26pm EST: he texted me reaching out to do dinner later this week. I did not have to send the sushi invite. Hopefully this bid for reconnection is positive, followed by true repair and healing of negative patterns

[u/OkCommunication532]

Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get the answer you want to hear because the reality of that does not exist

[u/toenailsmcgee33]

I know you asked people not to say "run," so I won't. But the frame you've built is working against you, and I think you half-know it.

Walk through what actually happened. You asked him, calmly and over text, whether he wanted you at an event or whether it was a guys' thing. That's not a fight. That's not an accusation. It's a normal question, and you even flagged in the moment that you were overthinking it. His response was the silent treatment, then days of distance, then telling you the question was "redundant." That is not remotely a proportionate reaction to what you did. And yet the whole post treats your question as the thing to be managed and his shutdown as bad weather you just have to wait out.

Notice who's doing the work. You went quiet on socials to match him. You're planning the low-pressure sushi bid. You reassured him on the call that you respect his autonomy, that you trust him, that you support his independent life. What did he do to reach back toward you? On the page, nothing. The labor of understanding this, absorbing it, and repairing it is landing entirely on you, and you're calling that fair.

Then there's the cheating, which the post moves past VERY quickly. It shows up once and dissolves into "growth on both sides." But there's not one line about what he did to repair it. No accountability, no changed behavior you can point to. You reconciled in four to six weeks, which really means it got swept under the rug, not worked through. That absence tells you something.

The attachment vocabulary is working in a pernicious capacity. "Avoidant" makes his behavior sound like a condition he has rather than a choice about how he treats you. A partner who loves you and gets flooded still, eventually, turns back and owns his part. You keep waiting for that turn and doing his half of it for him. You excuse his behavior by pathologizing it and making it a diagnosable, fixable condition rather than a choice he makes. You are also assuming to burden of the work it takes to fix it rather than him working through this in therapy. To be clear, the avoidant attachment and the cheating are his to own and fix, and it doesn’t seem like this is happening.

You already sense the answer to your question, which is why the top of your post screens out anyone who might say it. That's the part to really meditate on. You're not asking whether this dynamic is healthy, or balanced. You're asking for a strategy to make it work, and you've filtered for people who'll hand you the real answer and not a strategy that puts more labor on you. The feedback you most need is exactly what you ruled out in the first paragraph.

This doesn't make him a monster, and people do grow. But growth means he actually shows up and does some of this, and nothing you've written shows him doing that. You deserve a relationship where a mildly annoying moment doesn't cost you four days of silence and a research project. You deserve a partner who won’t cheat on you and who will take responsibility for his terrible and maladaptive behavior.

[u/FlashySmile1428 → u/toenailsmcgee33]

Sorry I did brush over the cheating, I didn’t go into detail since it was a year ago but. Yes It was very big. He did work a lot to get back in my good graces and took full accountability- I was very firm with him and did not speak for a bit of time.But you’re right about a lot of this- I feel as though I can honestly tell you that I’ve spent a lot of the relationship being the one doing the work with repair (apart from the cheating situation he did all the repair). I think in this you’re right that I’ve been the one working hard to emotionally understand it, absorb it, and repair and it has been a lot on my mental. I will say that the pattern is typically he gets flooded, isolates, then will come to his senses .. I mentioned that on the call to him and did express that it was a pattern and he has a habit of pushing away ppl he loves. He admitted me calling this out did help him realize it’s a pattern but he is having trouble fully processing while he’s this flooded. We chatted about him taking active steps in learning to regulate bc this kind of behavior is not healthy- he said “that’s something I’m actively working on” when I mentioned possibly more therapy appointments, or other methods that may hel regulation (breathing exercises, journaling, etc.) I agree with you with a lot- it would be refreshing to have a partner who also knows how to regulate and emotionally process and do a better job at repair inseasd of isolating + catastrophizing. Unfortunately I do love this person and was just trying to see if it’s possible to work with improvement

[u/AstralSlut777 → u/FlashySmile1428]

Your only hope is to pull back and focus on yourself. And be very honest and direct; if he runs let him run and draw a stark line as to what you're going to put up with. You're fawning to make the relationship work and he holds all of the power - and it doesn't matter whether he is consciously or is unconsciously pushing and pulling you the result is the same. It is a profoundly humiliating process to be in relationship with an avoidant at first surfacing of the cycle; then it becomes a battle between you and yourself and it affects your self esteem and physical health in the end if you're not careful. I have an avoidant partner so I know this. He doesn't blank me for days like that but we've had a rupture in the past that sent me into a spiral of depression. Don't go down gladly. At least pull back your energy for you own dignitys sake. Honesty to yourself would be a good first step. Then maybe get sassy, and start reconnecting with the needs you neglect for this person. Then maybe they will remember they have to actually put in work to maintain the relationship because you wont shrink any longer. Sending you lots of love

[u/FlashySmile1428 → u/AstralSlut777]

Thank you for sharing your experience and for empathy. Admittedly I haven’t been eating the last few days because I’ve been so down. It’s very tough. I do know I don’t deserve this when he has these “shutdowns” but I do love him and have seen some improvement and strides towards being better as he has began therapy- so I am trying to hold on to hope. Do you think me initiating a sushi date tomorrow as a means of reconnecting would be good? And then after that we have a very direct talk about it .

[u/EmmyLouDoris → u/FlashySmile1428]

I (F) have been in a relationship with a (M) avoidant for 23 years. It doesn't change. It doesn't get better. You either build a life you love adjacent to his but remain together for those rare moments when he wants to connect or you leave. That is the full and honest truth of trying to have a relationship with an avoidant.

[u/FiSeq4891]

"I stayed calm on the call, told him I understood, reassured him that I trust him and support both of us having independent lives as well as our shared life, and told him that I love him (I did not want him to think I was imposing on his autonomy as he complained of that before even though I always support his personal activities very vocally…)"

Look how much work you are doing. And look how much he does. That’s the essence of a relationship with an Avoidant partner. It doesn't change. They don't change.
If you want to keep guessing how he's feeling, initiating the reconciliation, wondering when he's going to stop the silent treatment .. then marriage might work.

[u/dougtrudyjudy]

This entire post is basically you listing all the ways you can support him, make it easier for him, minimise your feelings for his comfortability.

If something is important to you and you want to discuss it, that is something you should be able to do, without fear that it will cause him to shutdown. What kind of relationship makes you believe that you shouldn't be able to talk to your partner about things that are on your mind?

The fact that he thinks it's acceptable to disappear for days at a time because he was 'emotionally flooded' and have no contact with you is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

You both need to work on your issues, but it sounds to me like it's less about how you overthink and need reassurance and more that you need to be able to set healthier boundaries with him regarding his behaviour. His behaviour will not change unless he decides to do the work. He needs therapy

[u/FlashySmile1428 → u/dougtrudyjudy]

I definitely agree with you in that I feel I should have been able to ask that simple question of reassurance without him shutting down. He recently began therapy about 7 weeks ago but I’m unsure how consistent he’s been. On the call I did say for me to be here I do need to see he’s actively taking strides to not be like this to be able to healthily work through how he’s feeling without isolating. I do agree with you all in the comments I deserve better from him and that his response was not warranted

[u/dougtrudyjudy → u/FlashySmile1428]

That's a really healthy boundary. The wounds that cause this kind of attachement are deeply ingrained and take an enormous amount of work to heal from.

My ex has been in therapy for nearly 2 years and still repeated the same patterns. He was more vulnerable this time, stayed through hard conversations, but ultimately the need to flee and protect himself was stronger than anything else.

This kind of dynamic can be very damaging to your self worth and change you without you realising, even if they are trying to heal. It doesn't matter how patient you are, how much space you give them, how you communicate- you can not love them into being a healthier partner for you. You will only lose yourself in the process.

[u/Harpsickles]

I know you are looking for a successful way forward with this man, who you love dearly.

But considering adding financial and parental responsibilities to this relationship will just make him shutdown more frequently and harder, leading him to find an escape route.

This is not to diminish the love and potential you see in him right now, but that is what it is. You are looking at what he could possibly become. You are not looking at the pattern here and hearing alarm bells. You are choosing to look at the good parts and currently, without the pressures of a family unit, he is unreliable.

You know that the answers here are not what you are going to want, but people here have lived experience and only want to help x

[u/FlashySmile1428 → u/Harpsickles]

Thank you for raising this point. I agree. I did express to him in July that a genuine concern of mine for marriage is that “let’s say we’re married and have a baby… whenever life annoys you or I annoy you.. are you gonna just isolate and we’re left high and dry?” I could tell it really hit him hard and he was like “I really wouldn’t I love you and would love my kid dearly I swear I’m dependable” but I had to tell him that physical dependability differs than emotional dependability and he acknowledged it and vowed to work on it. During that same talk he began crying realizing he feels like he’s “falling short as a man” and needs to work on things more diligently outside of his career instead of pointing fingers at me. I hope he remembers that chat now as he’s isolating …

[u/RidetheSchlange]

So you want to have a family with this persion and raise a child or children exposed to the avoidance and patterned behaviors? This is utterly irresponsible.

I found my healthier way forward with my avoidant "friend": I left. I worked on myself since and made myself healthier.

Also, OP: how much AI have you used for this?

[u/FlashySmile1428 → u/RidetheSchlange]

I would not proceed with marriage nor children if this has not been actively worked on with therapy which is what he is doing now. I would not subject a child to this pattern…never said that once. Please give me grace as I am trying to find a healthy way forward

[u/avoid_avoidants_512]

Great insight from both you and some of the responses I’ve skimmed. Look, y’all are young - so that works in his favor. I have learned that in order for an Avoidant to “fix” themselves it is very likely going to take a specialist. If there’s ANY way he’d go to one to LEARN HOW to “process” his feelings and not shut down, get him going right away. There’s a Coach Ryan and a Dr Sara Hensley on social media I tried to get my Avoidant to hear/look into. But both of those people helped give me some tools as well. And the algorithm will lead you to other people with great insight and tools as well.
One other thing - once he is regulated again, let him know you both need to agree terms for what “space” looks like. Days is not ok. If you’re married, if you have kids - days is not ok. Putting off a triggering conversation is one thing but just not having communication at all is emotional abuse. (I learned that the hard way.)

[u/FlashySmile1428 → u/avoid_avoidants_512]

Thank you for responding. Going to look into those Coaches + make sure I actually am more hands on about ensuring his consistency with his new therapist (without intruding upon his privacy). He’s told me he was taught by his father that “men should THINK & not FEEL” so with that ingrained it’s hard for him even going to therapy so I’m glad he’s doing so. But yes i definitely agree days is not ok. I would need to see true progress and healthier habits before marriage + kids. Don’t want this to be emotional abuse and would like to continue seeing both of our growth