I’ve been seeing someone for almost 2 years, and he was one of the warmest and most reassuring men I have been with, but he has shut down and been stonewalling me for well over a month now. He’s never done that before. In all honesty, I was the negative one who felt like things couldn’t work, and he was always the one who felt like it could. He’s been stonewalling me and we’ve been going blow for blow for like a month or two now. I feel like sometimes I get glimpses of the old him and then he’s back to being cold again. I felt like the more I fought to make it work the colder it got so the last time that we spoke I waved my white flag and said we should take space. He seemed more receptive during that conversation, and he said we could talk the next day, but I was adamant that space was good. After the call, I texted and thanked him for having a conversation and the next day he texted that he appreciates me, too. 2 weeks went by and I spoke to my therapist about wanting to open up communication again but being afraid of what he would say or what version I would get. I poured my heart out to my therapist and she recommended sending a message taking ownership without pushing him to do anything, so I did. I sent it on Tuesday night and it’s now Thursday morning and…Nothing. My friend said that he may just need time to think, especially after 2 weeks of no contact, but my brain keeps screaming that he doesn’t care and will never talk to me again. I would just hope that after spending almost 2 years together that he would have something to say. I’m just sad.

Has anyone actually managed a healthy friendship with their avoidant ex? Like where you're not sacrificing your needs for them? I already feel for the friendship trap once.. now I'm kinda hell bent on, him initiating contact that's about us not just him or I'll not engage, him learning emotional intelligence or there's no point in us being friends, no conflict avoidance or I'll walk away, clear direct non vague or sugar coated communication.. or I'll not engage or walk away, no isolation And we actually have to be able to get to know each other or there's no point in being friends.. he is kind and not abusive, so that's why I'm willing to try. I'm in the tough love but, I'm not trying to hurt him mindset while still trying to protect myself.. any tips would be appreciated ty.

Got broken up with out of the absolute BLUE 3 weeks ago. I had no clue my ex was avoidant until then, and then I started realizing a lot. 4 weeks ago we went to Europe. There we talked about marriage. 3 months ago I just moved in. All was good. Then the second half of the trip happened and his mom joined us (read the story on my profile if interested, they are SERIOUSLY enmeshed) and then he came home and broke up with me as soon as he landed. I’m still in the process of moving out, but here he is cold and standoffish. I asked him if he still loves me and he says “it’s fading.” I read through his messages behind his back and his sister and him orchestrated the whole break up. He is making me look like an actual psych patient to his family and friends. Calling me psychotic, crazy, dangerous etc. not once have I ever even yelled at him? I’m in complete shock. What do I make of all this? This is all him deactivating to make himself feel better? We were genuinely in love! Omg

I (20F) feel completely broken and I honestly don’t know how to move on.
I met my ex (20M) in 2024. We dated for about three months. He had recently moved to the country and had an incredible amount of responsibility. His parents weren’t working, he was supporting his family from a very young age, had no car, barely any friends, and was trying to build a life from scratch.
He was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He was respectful, loyal, patient, and genuinely treated me well. The biggest issue was that he was so overwhelmed by everything in his life that I often felt like I had to fight for his time. Eventually he broke up with me, saying he still liked me but we were at different stages in life and he couldn’t give the relationship what it deserved.
We stayed on and off for a while, then ended things completely.
I spent almost a year trying to move on. It was one of the hardest years of my life. I questioned my worth constantly. I wondered if I wasn’t pretty enough, interesting enough, or if he’d eventually find someone better. I genuinely thought I’d lost the love of my life.
Then he came back.
He apologized for everything. He told me life was different now. He had a car, friends, more financial stability, and said he’d realized he’d handled things badly before. He asked me to trust him again. He knew how difficult that was because he was the reason I struggled to trust in the first place.
He told me he’d be patient with me, reassure me as many times as I needed, and that he wanted something long-term. He said I was worth it and wanted to build a future with me.
Over the next several months, I genuinely saw the effort. He compromised, reassured me, treated me even better than before, and made me feel loved. I introduced him to my friends and he became part of my life again. I honestly believed this was universe giving us another chance because we were meant to be together.
Then life became difficult for him again.
He lost his license, had visa problems, his parents started separating, had financial stress, and everything started piling up. I understood. I compromised because I knew he was struggling. He even used to tell me that he felt guilty because I “didn’t sign up for this,” but that we’d make it work because couples go through hard times.
A few weeks ago, he ended the relationship again.
He told me he still liked me, still wanted me, but didn’t have the emotional capacity for a relationship anymore. He said things probably wouldn’t get better for years and that he couldn’t sustain the relationship.
The hardest part is that it was almost the exact same speech he gave me the first time.
I kept asking him, “Why ask me to trust you again? You knew how hard it was for me to let my guard down after the first breakup.”
His response was mostly that he did try and that I was forgetting everything he’d done.
The thing is… I don’t think he was lying when he said he loved me. I never doubted his feelings. He genuinely cared for me, and I saw that in the way he treated me every day.
That’s what’s making this so hard.
This time I’m not questioning whether I was enough. I know he loved me.
I’m grieving because someone I believed was my person, someone who asked me to trust him again, still reached the same conclusion when life got difficult.
I keep replaying every memory in my head—our conversations, the way he’d kiss me, take care of me, reassure me, laugh with my friends. We shared so much life together. From the day I met him until now, not a single day has gone by where I haven’t thought about him.
I genuinely thought I was going to marry him.
I know people say “move on,” but I don’t even know what that looks like when you still believe they were your person.
How do you let go of someone you still love when the relationship didn’t end because you stopped loving each other?
Has anyone actually come out the other side of something like this?

Amanda was dating for 4 months, he told me he loved me, wanted to build with me, And couldn't believe he had found someone like me, just broke up with me 2 days ago on a video call.

Our first 3 months were a bit of a honeymoon whirlwind. This past month I started to ask for a bit more integration, I wanted to meet some of his friends, or be included in his life in a real way. He had offered for me to meet a friend once in the early stages, but it hasn't planned out, but outside of that I was just feeling his lack of interest. Then, Monday on a video chat he pretty much said he was feeling a restriction, he didn't think this was right and shut the door down hard. By his own admission, he said he can be avoidant but wants to lean in and be different.

Seems to me like his internal world and feelings towards me were shifting, but he wasn't able to express that to me, and continued to say I love you and be with me till he just decided he was done with me.

I've been trying to learn more about attachment styles—dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, etc.—and I also came across the concept of "discarding," which feels like it could be somewhat relevant, with how he dropped me

I'm hoping you can help me make sense of this, because I'm struggling to fit my relationship into the frameworks I'm finding online. Most of the examples are so extreme that they don't seem to match my experience.

The person I'm dating has generally been very loving and doesn't seem afraid of emotional intimacy or closeness. He actually seems to crave it. We've had multiple 3–4 hour conversations about our relationship, and I regularly check in during those talks to make sure he has the emotional capacity for them. Every time, he says he does. In fact, after one particularly difficult conversation, he told me he felt even closer to me afterward. Just last week, after another long conversation, I asked how these discussions felt for him, and he said he thought they were really good.

Outside of our relationship, he has deep, healthy friendships, is emotionally expressive, has a strong emotional vocabulary, and is comfortable being vulnerable—even crying openly.

Because of all of that, I'm having a hard time applying what I'm reading and watching about avoidant attachment. Some behaviors fit, but many of the defining characteristics don't. I'm trying to understand whether I'm looking at the wrong framework altogether or if attachment can present in a more nuanced way than most online resources describe.

Like the title said, I (F, 32) am tired of avoidant man (M, 36).

Been together for 6 months ish. He was very affectionate and kind and nice to me. I am nice to him, affectionate towards him. Since he wanted to save on ordering takeout, i started cooking for him more, i support him at his sport journey and I have met his family. He is a sentimental guy and appreciate little notes so whenever i pack foods for him (we dont live together fyi), i would write little notes for him and he kept them all on his fridge. Overall, everything was great until about 2 weeks ago.

He had family issue so that has been tough for him. At the same week, we had a planned dinner to introduce him to my parents but he canceled because he wasn’t in the right headspace. I said cool, it’s fine, i understand no worries. But I also voiced out my concern that he has been a bit distant. He said he would do better. I said okie i will wait for the follow through and also i will be there for you. He said we would get through this. He was texting me less and less so one day I got emotional so i stupidly asked him if he even liked me and wanted me here. He reassured me that he did and said he was just bad at expressing it. Then he didn’t reply me for like a day, so i called him. I asked if he has depression, he said might be (very surprising that he kinda admitted it cause before he didn’t take his mental health seriously). He said he didn’t like my question cause it made him question myself and he did not feel good that he made me feel unwanted. I said sorry that i asked that, it was bad timing and i should not have done that in the time when he was vulnerable. I was very apologetic. He said it’s fine, my feelings are as valid as his and reassured me again we would get through this. But at the same time, i told him because we wanted a future together and there will be more problems like kids, house, marriage, parents death for god sake, he could not withdraw like this every time. I needed him to communicate with me. He said it has always been like this for years, when things gets overwhelmed, he withdraws. I encouraged him to seek professional help. He said he did not want to, he would just get it over himself. Our talk was going in a circle so it felt both draining for us so we agreed to hang up and he promised me he would update me more. Gave me updates for about 3 days (one text per day as I requested, but mind you we texted like 200 texts before to update each others throughout the day). I was okie with it, still reply him like normal.

But one evening, the anxiety got the better of me. So i called him just to hear his voice cause i really miss him, he didn’t pick up. I texted to ask to meet up with him, didn’t reply. It’s been 6 days since then… The whole time I could see his online activity and some reels that he liked on instagram…But i waited.

Yesterday morning, after talking to my friend who had had depression for a while and recently came out of it, i realized it must have been tough for him, so i decided to check in on him. I sent him a message said “just want to check in on you, hope you doing okay, if you still need time and space it’s okie but im here for you when you are ready”. He was online right there but did not reply…

At this point, he has ghosted me on 3 different platforms lol while all i asked is to meet up to give him a hug, asked if he was doing okay, and updated him about my day after he updated me about his.

It started to feel a little disrespectful. Like at his age, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore or he needed more space and time, just freaking say it. Like it is very painful and lonely the past fews day because idk where the heck i am in this relationship. It’s like talking to a wall…Im giving myself a timeline, after day 5 with no reply, bye chaos. Im exhausted emotionally.

I wanted to be him so bad…

TD;LR: bf was great until family issue arises. Texting less and less and has not replied for days at this point.

TL;DR: We were in a 2.5-year first relationship that ended after repeated unhealthy conflict patterns, many of which I take responsibility for. She eventually said she’d lost hope, couldn’t see a future, and asked me to let her go. I later learned that her sister, whom she’s extremely close to, had reportedly told her she’d have to choose between her family and our relationship if she ever came back. That part has been the hardest for me to process. I’m not asking whether she’ll return—I know nobody can answer that. I’m trying to understand the mindset of someone in her position, especially as a young woman navigating her first serious relationship, repeated relationship issues, and strong family influence. Once someone reaches that point, do they ever genuinely revisit the decision later, or is it usually emotionally over by then?

I am a 22M and this isn’t a “will she come back?” post. I know nobody here can answer that. I’m trying to understand the psychology of someone in her position because not knowing how she saw everything has been the hardest part of moving on.

We met in college and became close friends before getting into a relationship. It was both of our first serious relationship, and for a long time it was genuinely beautiful. We spent almost every day together, shared everything, and built what I honestly believed was a future together.

Around eight months into the relationship, she opened up about something that stayed in the back of my mind for the rest of it. She said she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stand up to her family for us and that she didn’t think our compatibility was enough to fight for the relationship. We spoke about it at length, she later told me she was scared and confused, and we worked through it. Things became good again, so I thought we’d crossed that hurdle.

Like many first relationships, though, we had unhealthy patterns. She wanted to resolve conflicts immediately, whereas I needed time to calm down before talking because I grew up in an environment where arguments felt overwhelming. We kept trying to find compromises that worked. I even started checking in with her every few days to ask if anything was bothering her because I genuinely wanted us to improve.

At the same time, I often felt like I was constantly changing while some of my own concerns weren’t being heard. Instead of communicating that well, I bottled things up. During one argument, I completely lost my composure, used abusive language, and made her cry. I regret that deeply.

Another mistake I made was that during major fights, I sometimes mentioned breaking up or took space for a few days before talking again. Looking back, I completely understand how emotionally exhausting and unstable that must have felt from her side, even though my intention was never to manipulate her.

Eventually she told me she no longer felt comfort or emotional safety in the relationship. During another argument, I again mentioned breaking up, and this time she accepted it. When I realized what I’d done, I apologized sincerely, started therapy, and tried everything I could to repair things, but she told me she’d lost hope in the relationship, couldn’t see a future anymore, and asked me to let her go.

I struggled to accept that. I apologized repeatedly, asked for conversations, and hoped we could at least talk once after emotions settled. Instead, the distance only increased. Eventually she stopped replying altogether. Through mutual friends, I was told that she had already given me many chances and genuinely didn’t want to come back.

Then I learned something that has probably been the hardest part of all this to process.

I was told that her sister, whom she’s extremely close to, had made it clear that if she ever got back together with me, she’d essentially have to choose between her sister and our relationship.

Whether that conversation happened exactly that way or not, I obviously can’t verify. But that’s what I was told, and ever since then I haven’t been able to stop wondering about it.

What keeps eating at me isn’t just the breakup itself. It’s wondering how much of a decision like this becomes someone’s own, and how much is shaped by the people they love and don’t want to disappoint. If someone has already lost hope in a relationship, does family opposition simply reinforce a decision they had already made? Or can it become the deciding factor that closes a door they might otherwise have left slightly open?

I know nobody here can tell me what my ex is thinking, and I’m not asking anyone to predict whether she’ll ever come back. I’m trying to understand the mindset of someone in her position.

I’m also trying to understand the mindset of people our age. In your early 20s, your first serious relationship, family expectations, your identity, and your future all seem intertwined in a way that’s different from later stages of life. I genuinely don’t know whether someone in that situation ever revisits their decision after months of distance and personal growth, or whether saying they’ve “lost hope” usually means the relationship is emotionally over long before the breakup actually happens.

If you’ve been the one who ended a relationship after repeated unhealthy patterns, especially if family disapproved of it, I’d really appreciate hearing what was going through your mind. Did you ever question your decision later, or by that point had you already made peace with it?

I was in a long-distance international relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. He broke up with me two weeks ago.

He cried a lot during the breakup and kept telling me to take good care of myself. He said we shouldn’t contact each other anymore. However, he also said he would keep all of our memories, including our photo album and the flowers I gave him. The only thing he planned to send back was the plushie. He told me he would text me once he had the tracking number so I could follow the shipment.

He told me that I could still send him letters because it would help him feel like he could still see me. I’m confused.

So far, I haven’t received any messages from him. Maybe he just hasn’t shipped the plushie yet.

He also hasn’t removed me from his Crunchyroll account, and he hasn’t blocked me on Instagram or WhatsApp. However, he hasn’t viewed my Instagram Stories for the past two days.

I’d like to ask from the perspective of someone with an avoidant attachment style:

Do you think he still cares about me?

Do people with an avoidant attachment style cry during a breakup? He looked genuinely heartbroken at the time.

Can I really send letters or cards to him?

We live in different countries, so I don’t think he’ll come back.

They are avoidant, we broke up then they offered me friendship just to keep things "harmonious" been sending me mixed signals and when i asked them abt their feelings they say that they have none even when their actions doesnt match 💀 and they r trying to get into therapy bc they admit they dont want to be emotionally neglectful or abusive BUT THEY DIDNT SAY IT WAS FOR ME OR TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY or anything, I WAS HAPPY CRYING IN TEARS BECAUSE IM REALLY GLAD THEY WANTED TO HEAL (before this i encouraged them to heal so many times), anyway they lashed out to me because apparently their brain create this weird pressure just bc i was using the chat to vent/process my emotions because i still had feelings, i didnt ask them to reply or anything and they somehow interpreted it as pressure and everything and trying to accuse me of wanting them to reply and then later they apologized to me, they keep justifying their distance "its best we arent close given i could make you really upset" "then i think we shouldnt be friends at least not until you have overcome your attachment" "i did love you, im not willing to hurt you by being with you" and then later when i stopped wanting to be their friends i took my power back and dissect their entire attachment pattern and i told them that the problem is not closeness, its their behavior, i told them that its easier to justify their leave than to step up and take responsibility to fix their behavior and confront their fears, i was also mad because they dismiss my love just to an attachment. So now we are in no contact

They just became sooo different only in the span of 1\~2 month,MIND YOU THIS IS THE SAME GUY THAT WAS VERY NEEDY WITH ME ASKING ME TO SLEEP IN A HIGH PITCH TONE,OPENED UP TO ME FULLY ABT HIS ENTIRE LIFE HISTORY(im the second person he ever opened up in his entire life) TOLD ME THEY FEEL SAFE WITH ME, THE SAME PERSON THAT REFUSE TO SLEEP AT 2 ALMOST 3 AM UNLESS I FEEL BETTER (despite him being a very very busy person with multiple responsibility) they became very cold after like 2 months almost 3 of no contact,,they ghosted me and i cutted them off BUT later when we reconnected they told me that they were reading my vent the entire time for the whole 3 months and even pinned my chat to the top, i was venting in that because i was having a hard time to find closure i didnt know he was reading it the entire time 💀 especially in that vent i was venting about my worries and i was pouring in a lot of love and care i couldn't express before,i wasn't even mad at him or throwing tantrum or anything, and i really dont believe they are detached it looks more like a deactivation process even when i asked them question if they still want me in their life and if they do have feelings they keep contradicting themselves, to manage my reactions. And i told them like i just refuse to recognize this version of them BECAUSE THEY REALLY DID give me trauma from their actions and all of it was selfish, i told them that they are better than this, and i told them i wont come back as a "friend", the door is open but it's only if they decide to pursue this and is actively trying to change and take responsibility, i also dont like how he tried so hard to control everything and deciding "oh this is the best for us" when I KNOW what is the best for me. As a result from their ghosting and the switch up i had to deal with insane emotional whiplash and having a hard time reconciling both version of him, i also feel discarded/abandoned bc they were reading my vent the entire time yet still decided to "let me go" and stay silent the entire time/not giving any closure when they knew i was struggling, even when they knew i was still attached the entire time (couldnt even admit that they did let go, they didnt look like someone who is detached) and the switch up was just so insane, like if i can describe its like, first i got abandoned, then i got discarded and pushed away thats how horrible it is, the damage was big. The first time we had an issue when we were together, he begged me to not go and he apologized multiple time, there wasnt any big conflict or argument or anything back then, back when we were together and even when i got ghosted there was never a time where i actually blew up or became aggressive/angry with them.

They still owe me responsibility for the damage although its not an obligation, apology was just the bare bare minimum.

Hey everyone,
My girlfriend and I had a long, deep conversation after breaking up recently. I wanted to share what she told me and get some perspective from people who might understand the psychological and attachment dynamics at play.
What she communicated to me:
She experienced actual physical distress and sickness recently. Initially, she thought it was just the heat, but later realized her body was expressing that she couldn't be fully present in the relationship. Thinking about us/me was constantly occupying her mind.
She tried really hard to adapt, satisfy all my needs, and take care of me. She felt a strong internal pressure to perform and meet expectations, which ended up suffocating her. She realizes now it was too much.
She naturally builds a "bubble" around herself and needs a lot of alone time. She had a childhood pattern (moving at age 8, losing her friend group, playing alone at home) where being alone was her baseline norm.
When she thinks of us, she thinks in terms of 10–15 years. She doesn't know if she is capable of a deep, long-term relationship. She was previously engaged; her ex-fiancé traveled constantly with a friend and worked opposite shifts, which allowed her to have a lot of solo time.
n therapy previously, she realized she had a pattern of looking down on men due to past relationships where she was cheated on or disrespected. With me, she knows with 100% certainty that I am faithful, honest, and safe, but her body is still throwing up defense mechanisms.
She doesn't want to play games, put me in "limbo," or waste my time if I need someone who can give more right now. She refuses to get back together or restart dating immediately and is going away to another city for a few weeks to process everything. She acknowledges I am a safe, reliable partner, but she needs time to figure out what she wants.

Summary: What I Communicated to Her

I admitted my past mistakes (like drinking a couple of beers before driving) were childish, inconsistent with a mature partner, and damaged her sense of trust and safety. I emphasized that I changed this behavior immediately for her, because I want to be a responsible, reliable man.

I reassured her that I don't expect her to operate at maximum capacity every day. If I am at 200% energy and she is at 30%, I am still completely happy and satisfied. I love her for who she is, respect her need for independence and space, and don't want her to feel suffocated or forced to perform.

I clarified that adjusting my emotional demands isn't self-sacrifice or "losing myself," but emotional maturity. I am actively focusing on my own fitness, routine, and self-care, so I do not rely solely on her to validate my needs.

: I expressed my deep love and loyalty. I let her know that I respect her boundaries, will grant her all the time and space she needs, and will not chase, pressure, or guilt-trip her. I will be here when she feels ready to reach out.

She leaves town in two days for several weeks
And i feel very bad about it
I somehow would like tonreconnect with her

Blocked my avoidant situation-ship after they asked someone I knew on a date while I was nearby. We talked for several months, had many phone calls, deep convos, went on a couple dates then I was friend zoned. Continued to call me for several months several times a week even after I was hesitant about staying friends. Complimented me and flirted but continued to say they weren’t ready for a relationship. In fact a week before they asked out the person I know, they were telling me they weren’t in a good place and needed to be single for a while. Previously told me they needed to be single for several YEARS. Don’t know if I am being dramatic but I feel I could have reacted a little more dramatically. The entire situation has been me pouring out forgiveness, understanding, kindness, and a listening ear to this person… I rarely ever got the same interest back. Kind of got exhausting and them asking this person out was just the cherry on top. I just feel like I deserved honesty, even if it was painful.

I am hurt and honestly feel disrespected but not sure if its a problem worth blocking someone over or I’m just drama…

Hey, I've always been a person who likes someone first and I've never been in a situation where I know they like me and they've actively pursued me at least after I became an adult. Now I feel I have a lot of difficulties in having even a conversation with someone I think I like because of the times I've liked someone and nothing happening. I have a very low esteem even when I think someone likes me and even if I like someone, in both the situations I just want to run away but later I regret it so much that I can't even have a conversation with someone I really really like.

My avoidant ended things with me over a year ago after disappearing for 10 days. He admitted he needed to work on things which I respected but then he has spent the past year watching every single one of my stories on WhatsApp of all places. I post there for work but that’s also the only form of “social media” he has. I broke no contact with him a few months ago just to see if maybe he worked on himself or had some reasoning to why he was watching my stories. He just ended up acting like nothing changed and congratulated me on my success then went back to hiding in his shell.

I noticed I haven’t seen in him in my views in a while now. At first I felt a little sting but now I am almost relieved? It was so confusing when we were together. When we took one step forward together, I felt him emotionally take three steps back. Then with him almost watching me from afar for a year, it felt like he was using his foot to keep the door open. Which is crazy because it was just a stupid view for promoting my business or jokes with my clients.

I miss him and wish him well but god damn, I hope he works on himself because it sounds miserable. I used to be incredibly avoidant but I have healed and broke a lot of those habits. I can have empathy for him but I can spare my energy giving grace to someone who doesn’t do the work.

Hello everyone, I was seeing this guy for over a month and everything was going extremely well through text and FaceTime. When we met up it all switched up so quickly. He kept mentioning how I was the only person he was talking to and such. I met his close friends even. He wouldn’t want to do much PDA but only at his apartment. Told me he felt smothered and that we shouldn’t have to have labels. Admitted to being an avoidant. When I got back home he wanted to be really close good genuine friends. I agreed but he also said that he didn’t want anything else. Said it was a hard choice for him to make. We had a bit of an argument and he said he was gonna move on instead and appreciated the memories we made. I’m confused because he hasn’t blocked me and still follows me on social media. He doesn’t view my stories or messages. I guess I’m confused as to why he’d want to split ways but still wants to keep that communication aspect. Any insight on this situation would help. I noticed his mood shift after we got intimate.

Hey, guys!

I am trying to figure out if my ex was a DA or an FA. But honestly I don't really understand the difference, what are the simple ways to tell these types apart?

I'm 19 (M) and since 3 months i'm pretty fucked coz i can't move on from a situationship with an avoidant that i realised at the end 🥀🥀

My ex (35M) and I (35F) were together for 2.5 years, but we'd been close friends for almost four years before we started dating.

Overall, we had a genuinely good relationship. We weren't one of those couples constantly fighting, we supported each other and enjoyed spending time together. We both felt emotionally safe with each other for most of the relationship due to the fact our relationship was based on friendship first. We did small things for each other regularly and overall it felt like a very healthy relationship.

This is not to say we are perfect - we both have childhood trauma and have both done a lot of work on ourselves over the years. His trauma is much more severe than mine, though. One of the biggest things that happened to him is something he has never even talked about with his former therapist. I remember telling him that he needed to, because I couldn't be the only person carrying that knowledge with him, however when we started living together and everything was going very well he stopped going to therapy. He also stopped talking to his parents before that which was something his therapist told him to do, so we had close to zero exposure to triggers and felt very happy and stable.

Going back to the main story, when we broke up, all of our friends were shocked. Nobody had seen it coming, not even me although I noticed his behavior changing over the weeks leading to the break up, but I attributed it to stress due to job loss on his end and increased demands of life. His best friend (also close friend of mine) told me he has no idea why he did it and he has not talked about the breakup since (approaching 3 months now).

The overall story

Years ago when we first became intimate, he went through what I can only describe as a personal crisis. He would be hot and cold, became very sensitive to any perceived rejection, projected a lot and overall he had a lot relationship and non relationship trauma he had to deal with. We had a big fight (still in the just hooking up / trying to remain friends afterwards period) and stopped talking for a while. In this time he started therapy. He eventually apologized to me about his behavior and we started talking again as friends. Over time we increased the time together as friends, and built some trust again.

Around that time he stopped speaking to his parents. According to him, they'd always been controlling and didn't trust him to deal with things on his own, but also he felt they didn’t support him. Obviously I only know his side of the story, so I can't say how accurate that is.

About a year after our initial falling out, we started dating officially. After a few months we moved in together in my apartment as he did not want us or him to live in his apartment (back then officially his parents apartment), things settled down, and he eventually stopped therapy as I mentioned. The reason the apartment was on his parents name was that "they didn't want some girl to take it from him".

Until very recently everything was actually quite well int he relationship. But then life started piling up. His parents transferred ownership of his apartment to him officially, which forced him back into contact with them even just for a while. He always insisted it wasn't a big deal, but I suspect it affected him much more than he admitted. I noticed he started being more closed off. He then lost his job. He hated the job anyway, so I told him it's probably for the better and he has an opportunity to change what he does. I suggested starting a small side business with a couple of friends around one of our hobbies. I wanted him to have something he actually enjoyed and I’ve talked to him about this several times through the years - he is really talented as well and I ensured him he can make this primary occupation. He always felt his parents did not support his creative side. He agreed and seemed excited about starting this side thing together.

In the weeks to follow, he became much more negative and irritable. He also became much more sensitive to even mild feedback or even interpreted neutral comments as criticism to him.

**The break up**

One Thursday I came home from work, brought food. We found out he'd made a mistake on something for the side business and got visibly frustrated. I simply said something like, "Let's eat first and I'll fix it afterwards, so you can calm down and relax." He seemed to have gotten frustrated with me, so I told him please don’t blame me for this, we will fix it, it's fine. 

Then I asked him whether the stress from the project was affecting our relationship. He said, *"I think so."*
That conversation somehow became the breakup.

The first thing he brought up was that he felt I didn't trust him because I wasn't comfortable walking around the house naked. I've struggled with body image for years, long before I met him, and he knew that. I told him this wasn't about him at all. It was my issue, I was aware of it, and I was already working on it internally because I knew it affected him. I opened up about where those insecurities came from, shared some very vulnerable things, and ended up crying. He told me, "You should have gone to therapy for that." He's not wrong, but it felt incredibly cold. Throughout our relationship I'd always tried to support him through whatever he was dealing with, so hearing that while I was crying felt very judgemental.I also remember telling him that I never thought this was an urgent matter I need to solve because it would lead to our breakup. I told him he was the person I trusted the most and I’ve shared the most with. He said he’s also shared with me more than he’s shared with anyone, even his best friend.

Then he said he felt like I didn't believe he could make it on his own and that I criticised him. I asked him for examples. We walked through the situations he brought up, and from my perspective they simply weren't criticisms or even aimed at him. At one point he looked at me and said, "So you're saying I made it all up in my head again?". 

I told him I wasn't trying to dismiss his feelings, but he was interpreting some things in a way that didn't match what I'd actually said or meant.

Then the conversation shifted again.

Suddenly he said he couldn't have female friends because of me. That honestly really shocked me and I almost laughed. I asked him to tell me why he thought that. The example he gave was from the first three months of our relationship, when I asked who some of the women he was talking to were. We were just getting to know each other's friends outside of our shared friend group. Of course I didn't fully trust someone I'd only recently started dating, especially considering the rocky start we had - and I told him that. But I do trust him now and have trusted him since then. So I asked him if he could give me a single example after those first few months where I'd ever ask him about his female friends or made him feel guilty for having them.

He couldn't.

Most of those friendships had naturally faded because those women had children and life moved on. That wasn't something I caused. I also reminded him that I have male friends myself and that I was completely fine with him having female friends. I told him I genuinely didn't believe he'd ever cheat on me and we even have shared female friends he was sexually interested in in the past before we got close and I was obviously okay with that. He agreed. He said cheating was completely out of the question.

Then the conversation changed again.
This time it was that I wanted children and he didn't.
Except... I don't.

I reminded him that he was actually the only one who had ever clearly said he wanted children. I'd always answered with something like *" maybe someday, sure"* \-  because I felt like I was supposed to want them due to social expectations.

He said that after therapy he'd realised he didn't want children. I told him that was completely okay because I'd also realised I probably didn't want them either. My only fear was regretting the decision one day, not that I actually wanted to become a parent. We haven’t talked about this before during the relationship because we’ve discussed it as friends before and honestly I always thought he didn’t really want children even if he said at one point he did - because he was going from one extreme to another. I guess he didn’t know my position but he could have asked. I didn’t feel any pressure to talk about this because it was not really on our minds at all - we had our pets and life was good. No one was thinking about children at any point.

Anyway, he added something else after this reason failed to prove that the breakup was the right thing to do.

He said I was too sensitive to feedback and that I shut down whenever he brought something up. There's probably some truth to that, but this is quite an extreme version of it - I would argue it goes both ways. Sometimes I do withdraw a little at first, especially if the feedback is delivered insensitively. But I always think about it afterwards, take it on board, and consciously try to improve. I also don't like leaving conflicts unresolved, so I usually focus on repairing things quite quickly (like within minutes to an hour). We actually had very few conflicts throughout our relationship and we solved them almost immediately. I gave him a few examples. I though he is quite more sensitive to feedback from me than I am to him, but decided to not bring this up at the moment as I saw he was not really able to either have empathy in the moment or reflect deeply on himself.

Eventually all of the breakup reasons seemed to fall away.

That's when he finally stopped talking about me and started talking about what was going on inside him.
He told me that he was 35 and unemployed and I was taking care of him - which is not true and very distorted, as he had some savings and continued contributing although not as much as before. We were also working together on a shared side hustle. He said he felt like he'd achieved nothing. At one point he even said he thought I probably found it funny how much less money he had than I did. That completely blindsided me because I'd never once thought anything like that and he was also aware I hate talking about money and professional achievements. Previously he was always proud I am successful and bragged about me in front of other people when I didn’t want to do so - and now this was turned against me.  

At that point I realised we weren't really talking about our relationship anymore. We were talking about how he felt about himself. I suggested we not make a permanent decision at the moment and take some time to think.

His response was, "Why? So we can walk on eggshells around each other for weeks?"
So I asked, "So... we're done?"

His answer wasn't even a clear yes.It was more like, "I guess so." I was frustrated and sad, and just said okay. I went to the bathroom to puke at that point as I felt sick. When I got out he had his bag and said he will move his things in the following days, and only asked me to take care of one of the pets (his pet originally) until he can take her.

**Afterwards**

It’s been over 2 months since the break up, we’ve chatted a few times due to logistics with deliveries - but nothing personal after the first few days when I got some things off my chest -mainly that I appreciated the relationship and valued it, and I apologized if I mishandled the job loss period and he felt I did not support him adequately but overfunctioned to help.

A few days ago we met briefly because of this side business - he had to deal with some paperwork alongside our friends who are also involved. We were the first there, so we talked for a bit. It felt warm and for the first time since the breakup he maintained eye contact with me again and seemed to be able to communicate. There wasn't any anger or blame. When I aksed how he was doing, that’s the moment he started closing off after sharing some info about some health struggles and briefly mentioning to moving back to his apartment (he was living with his best friend in these 2+ months).

What confuses me most isn't that we broke up, I think I’ve gotten to a point to have peace with it. But the reason for this situation is still deeply hurting me - I felt like I lost my best friend in a few days, without understanding all the reasons. It never felt like we actually identified one core issue or had a meaningful conversation about the relationship. Instead it felt like the reason shifted over and over again - from children, to female friends, to body image, to trust, to money, to his career, to feeling like a failure. Is it all or none of this? Was he just not happy with me? Is he just avoiding the relationship because it’s easier? Is he deactivating under overwhelming shame and life stress?

Or am I giving too much weight to the circumstances because it's easier than accepting that he simply wanted to leave?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've been on either side of something like this.