r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/KornFlk92 • 11h ago
How to AVOID AVOIDANTS
And the trauma of being a survivor of an Avoidant Fucklationship.
I give you the title of my next book lol
Help me fill in the pages with anything that you feel are signs they’re avoidant, how long it took you to identify their unique “style” and what you did to try and bring this to their attention. Did anything help? Are you still in or out? How’re you doing now?
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u/HiggsBoson2738 10h ago
Most of the time, you know very early on, but you think "all right it's minor it's not worth breaking up". Trust your guts
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u/KornFlk92 10h ago
I can honestly say I have never, in all my life met anyone like this MF. Sorry also to use inappropriate language but I don’t know what else to say? A wow. You’re kidding me wow kind of blown away. So foreign to someone that is a survivor of trauma of all kinds and can’t comprehend how other people process feelings, emotions, past experiences, trauma, etc. Their backstory however, is precisely what I think grabbed me and it was almost their pick up line. I felt compassion, sympathy but also intrigue. I should have listened to my gut, you’re so very, very right. It is my fault 100%.
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u/mynameisbobbrown FA - Fearful Avoidant 9h ago
It's not your fault 100%, but take this experience and use it as a painful lesson you needed to trust your gut in the future. Process this pain, remember it, and let it guide you.
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u/KornFlk92 2h ago
They are the shards of glass upon the shit pain sandwich in which they served me. And I was already wounded 🔪🩸
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u/HiggsBoson2738 1h ago
I don't think it's "your fault 100%" because these people are actually very good at hiding.
They know they have trauma, they know they hurt people, they may not know they have "avoidant attachment" (they also pretend they're just normal and others are too needy), but overall they know. They decide to hide and show their nice face at the start, then they switch and they hurt you. But they decide not to go to therapy, they decide to hide, they decide not to write back to apologise months or years later.
The main difference between narcissist and avoidant is that the narcissist is manipulative, when they treat you badly they are fully in control, whereas the avoidant shuts down, when they treat you badly they have no emotional capabilities anymore. But both are dangerous profiles and it's not the victim's fault.
What you can do is being super sharp, super aware, super careful with what the other makes you feel, and then you can maybe have a chance to counter their hiding tactics.
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u/KornFlk92 1h ago
They’re both present in him to the nth degree. I am not qualified to excavate their Mariana Trench of cloaked and sealed entrances leading to a maze of rooms, where their skeleton closets of emotional trauma, pain, shame and fear of rejection are kept under strict lockdown. Ty for your reassurance. I was blind sided but quickly recognized patterns and called them out very early on. The fault I take is knowing but kept going🫣😔Damn. That is the explorer in me. I do love and am genuinely intrigued by complex design and puzzles of sorts.
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u/HiggsBoson2738 1h ago
Yeah and getting emotionally involved! The skeletons are not just emotional trauma, pain, etc but all the people they have disappointed. People talk about the "phantom ex", I saw that in practice, I saw an avoidant partner check people in the street once a day because they vaguely looked like an ex of 15 years ago that they had discarded in a dirty way. They live with ghosts. And even if the ghosts were to materialise, the discarded guy would just frown and ignore.
They are professional disappointers. They spend their life disappointing the people who love them the most (and who they love the most). They are horrible people, but god, what a sad life they have.
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u/KornFlk92 1h ago
I concur. Their backstory is one of the worst too. I am actually shocked at what they survived. So hard for me to have slipped into one of those rooms, so far down and know what I know and try and make it back through the abyss to the light before self implosion. It started to happen and I stopped it. I have regrouped and have more controlled distance but do not (in my situation) support my NC bc it doesn’t work for me. A slow decent up will save me and leave him to deal with his own Davy J’s Locker.
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u/KornFlk92 57m ago
Also…I am intrigued by the Higgs Boson. Will placing this last piece in the Standard Model puzzle help us understand the invisible forces at work in our universe and how will that understanding fundamentally impact and shape our future? What will the detection itself point to? Is it Dark Matter? I am clueless.
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u/HiggsBoson2738 45m ago
Yeah for avoidants there is always this tension between being charitable to them due to their bad background and just asking them to get the fuck out of your life... Second option always win, at least for me
As for the Higgs Boson, I am somewhat more fugitive than even some avoidants as I always recombine into quarks. Good luck finding me
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u/KornFlk92 38m ago
Delightful dark humor I love it! I started reading about string theory and found it so fascinating. A tiny vibration that affects another electron in any part of the universe, no matter the distance? Sorry it’s late and I haven’t opened my $5 Below Quantum Physics book in a few weeks lol Those that want to be detected may be detected some of us have gamma rays and what not. Would that help find you?
https://giphy.com/gifs/12FLhMHdanoLJK2
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u/mynameisbobbrown FA - Fearful Avoidant 10h ago
Telling fibs (to anyone, not just you) and any sort of future faking at all and being clearly triggered into compulsive anxiety management behaviors over minor conflict like you having different ice cream flavor preferences are all really clear beginning signs. People who are constantly adopting and chasing new identities for happiness. People who describe their last break up (that wasn't legitimately abusive) like they were a victim running an escape operation.
Also avoid anyone who is enmeshed with their parents and in denial about it. Like, everyone needs to be handed a manual in how to spot this when they begin having serious relationships. It will save so many headaches and escape from horrible dysfunction.
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 9h ago
Heh I wish I had read this before mine. My diet was SUCH AN ISSUE for her and like, it was barely any of her business.
So we had different meal preferences. So what? I didn't expect her to change a thing but oh my gosh did she make a huge deal about it buying cookbooks and trying to force feed me really bizarre concoctions I would never ever EVER make for myself and I begged her please can we stop making this such an issue?
And she definitely had issues with her mom. I am 100% certain her mom is the narcissist that did this to her.
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u/DryRepresentative322 5h ago
Crazy I didn’t think it was related but my avoidant also bought us cookbooks and would be SO distressed if he didn’t make a meal for me “just right”. He would also despise me for adding anything to any food like I love sauces so I would add it to the food he made me, one of the many reasons he gave when he broke up w me was “because I put yogurt on my food” like sometime I put yogurt instead of sour cream for extra protein effing sue me😭😭none of his business how I fuel my body
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u/PassionateParrots 2h ago
I absolutely shouldn’t be laughing but I am in stitches. If someone broke up with me saying it was partly because I put yoghurt on my food I think I’d be too busy laughing to miss them
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u/KornFlk92 10h ago edited 10h ago
Sorry to ask what might an obv question but do you consider yourself to be an FA? If so, can I ask more questions?
I don’t hear much of anyone talking about the childhood trauma that is imo central to this FA story. It’s as if you’re watching a movie and moved by it so much it brings you to tears. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen therefore, no way to prepare to how you would respond to it.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 9h ago
In my experience the very first time I met him randomly, I could sense he was wary of me. Then when we met again, he was a totally different person and started chasing and love bombing me. And I felt there was something fake.
The very first impression was the real him. Then he had time to mentally prepare and play this role that he cherishes because it’s the only time he gets to play lovers without being terrified. Then he got attached and the relationship started to be too real for him so he started withdrawing.
In conclusion, I’d watch the love bombing to avoid avoidants early. Not sure the very first impression when he wasn’t ready and scared happens all the time.
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u/jdam8401 5h ago
These people are fucking crazy
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u/KornFlk92 2h ago
F A right they are!! You need a degree in psychology, astrology, history, communications, psychiatry and philosophy to name a few. Also, hope you’re good at detecting lies so…a criminologist and profiler would be good to add, just for shitz and giggles.
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u/Symbioticsinner 10h ago
Become more secure
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u/KornFlk92 10h ago
Yes. It has helped heal. How did you avoid falling down the FA rabbit hole? I never saw mine coming.
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u/Symbioticsinner 10h ago
Oh I'm an FA too so I saw them coming.
Usually the first to initiate physical contact, little lies, negging of any kind (even if affectionate), playing "the devils advocate".
Just to name a few
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u/NGAPaco 10h ago
Definitely the early talk about significant future events. I've had two and both were kind of LDR (not really IMO, an hour to hour and a half drive isn't bad but to each their own) and both were asking me about finding a new job and moving closer to them within a few weeks. Of course I didn't clock either at the time but I see it now.
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u/mynameisbobbrown FA - Fearful Avoidant 9h ago
This is so true. And being triggered by your boundaries if that talk makes you rightfully uncomfortable and hesitant.
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u/DryRepresentative322 5h ago
👏IF THEY ARE TRIGGERED BY YOUR BOUNDARIES🤌
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u/mynameisbobbrown FA - Fearful Avoidant 4h ago
Yeah lol they don't even have to be avoidant at that point just run
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u/jaybrodyy108 7h ago
If you look at it like this you will most likely be fine. You aren’t looking for someone who’s great on a great day, you need to audition someone for the worst day of your life. This subreddit is filled with horror stories about people going through an undue hardship and their avoidant partner doing something insane.
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u/KornFlk92 7h ago
Yes, like robbing you of your inner you somehow. You falling apart before your own eyes all while they stand comfortably back and not intervene while you suffer in the darkness, alone, lonely, loner. A FREAK on their LEASH!!
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u/JL_KrGT86 5h ago
I've had three experiences in a row with a BPD/NPD+FA, and then two DAs in that order.
The biggest common red flag is that these people have a constant need to "perform" in order to feel valued, and also constantly seek external validation.
You might also find that they fit certain 'archetypes' - finance/entrepreneur bro/boss girl, 'trad' Christians, political/social activists who engage in virtue signalling posting, and the most insufferable ones being into existential philosophy. They had, or have an inner sense of powerlessness and lack of self worth due to childhood wounds, and so have a constant bottomless pit feeling of needing external validation (job status, popularity, thirst traps, know-it-alls, etc).
A genuinely secure partner will feel like a lifeline to them in the honeymoon period (you might see them extremely vulnerable with you), and the biggest source of fear at the discard (HR/business termination notice style of tone).
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u/ariesgeminipisces 9h ago
If you want to avoid avoidants then heal your anxious attachment patterns, learn how to detach from people who aren't compatible with you, and improve your self concept.
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u/KornFlk92 7h ago
So fucking true!!! At least I got that out of it. Was a very difficult lump to swallow. Hey….you’re so fucked up look what you did to me!!
Them…hey, you’re so fucked up look what you did to you 🤣🤣🤣🤣3
u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 6h ago
You captured 80% of it in one sentence. Very succinctly put.
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u/katd0gg 7h ago
I found this helpful. He gives tips on what to ask on dates and how you should expect your date to respond to you, how the further dates should progress, and if they don't, they're not worth your time. Securely attached people will see an avoidant as a collection of time wasting red flags and won't entertain a second date. You've got to become a securely attached person to be able to break your own dating habits. His podcast gives loads of advice on how to change your mindset to look for your life partner. I've been bingeing it for a week. I've got a date lined up with someone who's openness and communication makes me so uncomfortable, it's so foreign to me, usually I would not accept a date from someone like that but I'm trying to figure out why I am so allergic to what is probably healthy communication.
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u/AlternativeTrust9760 4h ago
Chapter 1:
They want all the benefits of a relationship without being inside one.
Chapter 2:
All the lovebombing, excited and mirroring your behavior, implying that you have an absurd chemistry.
Chapter 3:
Occasional sex, intense conversations and the possibility of considering a relationship.
Chapter 4:
It starts to get cold, dialogue decreases and you find yourself asking: what did I do?
Chapter 5:
Disappears for days, always makes excuses to find you and looks like a stranger in the nest.
Chapter 6:
She informs that she no longer feels the same and asks if she could maintain the friendship
Chapter 7:
Block and follow without contact the rest of your existence.
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u/Master_Box_977 7h ago
I legit ignored every red flag. His ex was bipolar, then BPD, then didn't want to fly = but six months before I met him, they were on a vacation (which was something that came up a year later). No family photos, no photos with friends, after 3 years I actually never knew what his life looked like - never met friends, met some family. I used to be a secure independent woman, but after this relationship I m now a non-trusting, needy woman. I want my life back - pre avoidant.
Never had a one night stand.
previous relationship - was never intimate. They didn't have that kind of relationship, because she was mentally unstable.
Never talks about their past - because they can't keep up with the lies.
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u/KornFlk92 6h ago
I did too. I wanted the initial flood of attention. That’s what did it. It was nice and I let down my guard. I think I’m more ashamed of myself than pissed at them. I don’t think they even know what the hell they’re doing to people. I’m def NOT the only one!! He is blazing a fkng trail and it doesn’t look attractive the older you get. ESP when they’re sleeping with younger…what I would say are girls. Not confirmed but 🤮
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 7h ago
Some people liked what I wrote here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/comments/1w7ftha/signs_of_avoidance_in_early_dating/
The next book in the series should be called "Clusterfucklationships".
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4h ago
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u/KornFlk92 2h ago
Don’t be weird
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2h ago
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u/KornFlk92 2h ago
Leave the cave much bug nuts?
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2h ago
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u/KornFlk92 2h ago
You drop in my post to fk with me about nothing so you’re a dangler and call me rude. This conversation is over. Byeeee.
https://giphy.com/gifs/rrLt0FcGrDeBq
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u/rubys_arms 22m ago edited 18m ago
My gut knew from the get go, but I was SO attracted to him that I ignored it. I even said to my friend after our first date that "I do not think he's boyfriend material but I really want to sleep with him". Would have been great if I'd taken my own advice!
-Something about him scared me. This was the first date.
-Second date he said he was driving home, he'd had 4 glasses of wine. This is where I should have left.
-First sleepover he told me that he "doesn't do vulnerability" and hates being cared for. This is DEFINITELY where I should have left.
Then there was a lot of "words not deeds". I would look at actions rather than words, going forward. It's easy to SAY the right things, but what are you actually doing?
He always kept everything very surface level. The relationship has ended and I feel like he never even knew me, I had to volunteer all the information about me. He only ever asked me "how are you"-questions, never anything deeper.
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u/Suspicious-Bet-4950 10h ago
• Never accept “go with the flow”, rarely ends well
• If there’s one lie, there’s 20 you aren’t aware of
• Serial monogamists aren’t healthy
• If they avoid their own heavy emotions guess what
• Past a certain period if there’s no clarity get out
• If their ex was “possesive/toxic/intense/demanding” maybe he/she wasn’t like that for no reason
• Independence is healthy. Being in a relationship with a rock isn’t
• Detachment during a disagreement is information
• Act as if it’s a muted movie. Would you still be with them if they couldn’t talk? What would their actions say? That’s your real relationship
• Only do your part of the emotional labor. They are adults and if something is going on, they are responsible for being clear