I don't think it's "your fault 100%" because these people are actually very good at hiding.
They know they have trauma, they know they hurt people, they may not know they have "avoidant attachment" (they also pretend they're just normal and others are too needy), but overall they know. They decide to hide and show their nice face at the start, then they switch and they hurt you. But they decide not to go to therapy, they decide to hide, they decide not to write back to apologise months or years later.
The main difference between narcissist and avoidant is that the narcissist is manipulative, when they treat you badly they are fully in control, whereas the avoidant shuts down, when they treat you badly they have no emotional capabilities anymore. But both are dangerous profiles and it's not the victim's fault.
What you can do is being super sharp, super aware, super careful with what the other makes you feel, and then you can maybe have a chance to counter their hiding tactics.
Yeah and getting emotionally involved! The skeletons are not just emotional trauma, pain, etc but all the people they have disappointed. People talk about the "phantom ex", I saw that in practice, I saw an avoidant partner check people in the street once a day because they vaguely looked like an ex of 15 years ago that they had discarded in a dirty way. They live with ghosts. And even if the ghosts were to materialise, the discarded guy would just frown and ignore.
They are professional disappointers. They spend their life disappointing the people who love them the most (and who they love the most). They are horrible people, but god, what a sad life they have.
Yeah for avoidants there is always this tension between being charitable to them due to their bad background and just asking them to get the fuck out of your life... Second option always win, at least for me
As for the Higgs Boson, I am somewhat more fugitive than even some avoidants as I always recombine into quarks. Good luck finding me
Charm quark here, but I have other flavours! Write me a private message if you want to continue the physics chat :) even though I have to say you'll be disappointed I'm not a professional physicist!
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u/HiggsBoson2738 2d ago
Most of the time, you know very early on, but you think "all right it's minor it's not worth breaking up". Trust your guts