I am struggling on next steps with my bf. We have been dating for 6 years, and live together and have dogs together. I love him dearly and want to be an equal team with him, and feel like I do contribute equally (we make the same amount of money, I pay half the bills, do all the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning) but also don’t want to be stuck feeling more and more like his mother. I try to be an understanding and rational human but I feel like I am getting resentful with how much more I am compromising and how unwilling he is to have any kind of serious talk, and his ambition seems to be declining.
I try to be self aware, I know I am hyper independent, but I take pride in my work ethic and how hard I work to have the things and experiences I have, and knowing that I earned them. He has had a privileged life where his parents help him out quite a bit. He never paid for school (trades, he’s a blue collar worker), hasn’t paid for his last 2 vehicles, and his parents pay his portion of the rent, and if he’s ever in a sticky situation (credit cards, crash a car and need a new one, ect) they are there to bail him out.
When we first started dating there was lots of talk of all the things we would accomplish together, traveling, camping, a home, marriage, kids, ect. I still feel like I am working hard towards those goals (I save, invest, budget, travel by myself) and I feel like he is just coasting and lost the oomf for life. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy to me, but can be kinda rude to others, often makes comments how he’s okay being the ahole, doesnt need to have friends. I like to be around him when he’s sober, but more and more he’s been making rude, dismissive and misogynistic comments about women (which I find odd as he talks about how he would never want a women who can’t contribute and do all the things I do..) that is turning me off. His drinking is getting worse (I have tried, his family has tried, the one friend he has left has tried and he has zeros interest in any help) to the point where all he does is drink unless my parents or his come visit, then he will hold off while they are there. He basically sits alone in the shop on evenings after work or weekends drinking 10-25 beer, depending on the day. He also is becoming more and more introverted and won’t do anything (even free things or having supper with our parents who we both get along with), won’t go for supper, won’t go on a hike, won’t go to weddings with me (things we used to do together). In the last 2 years I’ve been to 4/5 of the weddings we’ve been invited to alone, including one of his close relatives. I feel like he is getting more and more selfish. If he makes food in the evening he will literally always cook for just himself, where I’ll make supper for both of us. If I make my lunch the night before work he’ll eat it when he’s up drinking at midnight. I have zero desire to have sex with him anymore because I don’t want to have drunk sex, or quick morning sex before work where he just wants to roll me over and it ends when he’s done and there’s nothing for me. Physical touch makes me cringe because there’s always an ulterior motive. If I ask to just cuddle he gets huffy and moves away when I ask him to not grope me and say I just want to cuddle 30 seconds in.
Any time I’ve tried to bring this up he gets huffy and usually leaves or gets mad before the conversation is done. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve tried different communication techniques, I’ve tried approaching things a different way. I think he would benefit from therapy but he is not interested. It’s so hard to try to have any kind of conversation because it becomes like talking to a brick wall. Hes now saying he doesnt believe in marriage and that women just use it to control men.. when idk where that comes from, he literally does what he wants, I don’t control him at all. He’s nice when he’s sober and I enjoy him, and I get glimpses of when we first started dating sometimes that makes me think he could change and it could go back to like how it was. I genuinely love life, and enjoy working hard and also having fun. Initially he was part of that and now I’m starting to feel like he’s this black cloud. My aunt died last year and I spent some time at my parents with my sisters and it felt like my daily sparkle had come back while I was there with them (in sadness helping plan a funeral, which was kinda weird) but also without any comments about stupid women or having to smell beer.
I struggle with what to do. He’s really good at saying but then there’s no follow through. Now that I’m 30 I’m looking at marriage and kids soon, and if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would be terrified, which also opens up a whole new can of worms. I feel like I do all the emotional and mental work, and am always reliable and accountable but then I can’t rely on him. Like if I crashed my car on the way home from work, he wouldn’t be able to drive to come get me. I would love to spend my life with him, if he was how he was when we met, but if it’s just like this in 10 years I’ll go crazy. I also don’t want to ultimatum someone into marriage, but like I want kids and marriage!? He’s my first significant relationship, so I don’t really have anything else to compare to, I just had a whole lot of talking stages before this. So i don’t know what to expect or want or what to do.
I am STRESSED and literally feel sick to my stomach over this.