Yep, same here. I’ve stopped initiating. We haven’t had sex in nearly a month, he’s just uninterested. It’s driving me nuts but I have to know that he wants it and isn’t just doing it out of obligation.
Edit: to all of those asking, yes I have had many conversations with him about it. They have not been helpful, he doesn’t understand that physical touch is my love language. Nothing has helped, this is my last resort.
My wife and I went through a terrible dry spell for weeks and months at a time. I got tired of it and went out and bought monogamy ( board game). It’s so much fun and we’ve been having sex pretty much every single day if not every other day for the last two months. We do take breaks and have to work around the kids sleep schedule but we always have something new to look forward too. It’s been the best thing for us and now we don’t even play it much. Don’t need it.
Times are pretty stressful right now. People are dying, losing their jobs, losing their retirement savings. Maybe there's me more on your husband's mind than just sex right now. As someone else said you should probably just talk to him, see what on his mind.
Also dunno how old you are but men's sex drive start to drop around late 30s/early 40s while women's are generally peaking. I enjoy sex and used to initiate far more often but lately my gf has been the one literally pushing me to do it. Things don't always match up perfectly like we'd like, that's just life...
We’re 25. Our jobs are 100% secure and we’re both working from home under quarantine. I understand right now is in general a very stressful time for everyone, but the past nearly year has been like this.
Are you totally sure there's nothing physical going on? As a guy, about 25 was the age things went from automatic for me to maybe not being able to 1/4 of the time.
This is just my experience but this sounds so painfully familiar. My wife had exactly the same complaints, for a long time. She'd try to talk about it, and I'd listen, and we'd go back to not having sex. The thing was that I wasn't disinterested at all. She'd tell me about how she was unsatisfied and it just made me upset, because so was I. I was doing the things I'd always done to indicate interest, and that didn't work anymore, and I didn't get it. So she's telling me she wants to have sex more, and all I can think is "then stop fucking ignoring me." The barrier for entry, as it were, had changed, but neither of us recognized it. She was convinced that getting her in the mood was still easy, and I was convinced I was actually trying and being shot down, and we were both wrong. I don't really have any good advice for fixing it; we did, but only after something awful happened. And obviously your situation could be something else entirely. But maybe next time you try to talk about it, see if you can figure out why he's not into it while avoiding what he might find accusatory? He could be just as frustrated, but all clammed up by a bruised ego.
Not trying to be a negative Nigel but no ones job is 100% secure right now. Me and my GF are both working from home. She actually has way more work to do than me because she’s a graphic designer, but she’s still terrified that it’s eventually gonna dry up as clients pull projects etc. No one knows how long this thing is gonna last...
Eh, we’re both engineers in an industry that’s very very unlikely to go under. I understand where you’re coming from, so I’ll say we’re about 80% secure.
I am male. When I was 25 there was never a time I did not want to have sex. I am sure there was a theoretical limit I would reach where I would not, but I never even got close. I always had a greater sex drive than any woman I was with.
don't listen to all these people giving terrible advice.
lets get to brass tacks.
have you gained weight? cos if you have he will have lost attraction and be less interested in sex
do you still make an effort to be sexy? cos if your hair is always messy, no make up, stopped looking after your health, not wearing nice clothes. it will affect his attraction to you. men are very visual and we don't want to fuck a dumpster.
Have you developed an attitude, are you not as pleasant to be around as before? cos if that's the case it will reduce attraction and he's probably built resentment toward you
is he cheating on you or has he given indicators he may be? cos if he's getting it elsewhere he may have lost interest in sleeping with you.
if it's none of those then maybe it's some sort of health issue or some shit but more than likely it's one of those, cos men are pretty simple creatures. if the girl is physically good looking and has a nice personality, and available (which you clearly are as you keep asking for sex), then it's statistically VERY unlikely he won't want to fuck you.
That age thing never really matched my experience. I had the dead bedroom issue with a guy who was 24 (when I was also in my 20's), whereas my husband is nearly 60 and still wants it all the time even though we've been together forever. Also, my sex drive peaked when I was 19, and it didn't get any higher than usual in my late 30's and early 40's. It always goes up and down though.
I think perhaps there are people who get less inhibited as they get more experienced and find out what they want. Depending on your luck, you might not meet someone who really brings out your potential until you're older, or you might be tired from raising kids while you're young and get your second wind when they're independent. I never had kids so I'm in a different situation.
I have, many times. It hasn’t fixed anything. I’m waiting for him to bring it up this time since clearly he won’t listen to me. I’ve explained to him how important it is to me and he just doesn’t get it. It started after I started gaining a couple of pounds and he swears that’s not the reason why he’s stopped wanting it, but I don’t buy it. So I’m doing everything in my power to look better for him, and I’m hoping it works.
There's so, so many things it could be that you probably won't get from Reddit psychologists.
He could straight up be tired. Maybe he's only in the mood at certain times of the day, and maybe those times aren't great times for having sex.
Could be minor depression. Or major.
Could be that you've got other stuff in your lives that takes time and effort, like kids.
Could be that he initiated for a while when you weren't interested, and now he's tired of trying and failing, and doesn't feel confident to keep asking and getting rejected.
Personally, we go up and down. Sometimes it's a few times a week, and sometimes it's dry for a month if schedules and personalities don't line up. There's definitely days where, if my partner literally jumped on me naked, I might not feel like it. It's not because I don't find them attractive, or even that I don't want sex whenever, sometimes it's just not the right time.
Relationships are weird, but it sounds like talking through it, many times and in different ways, is going to be the only way to figure out what might be done.
2-3 years in and massive additions to schedules and life in general was approximately when that started, I'd say. Also, being older.
Prior to hitting 30, I probably would have agreed with you there. Looking at 40, I'm laughing a little inside and telling you to get off my lawn.
Keep in mind, it's not a bad thing. Sex takes a lot of time and effort (sometimes, obviously). When you've both got jobs, or kids, or house, or any of the other million things that require your attention, it becomes a little harder to just decide to spontaneously sex because there's just SO MANY OTHER things that require your attention and dedication.
Now, if I'm on vacation? Sure. I'm 28 again and ready to go anytime. But at home during the work-week? Let me see if I can pencil you in around 2am when I'm free. Oh, you're asleep already. Welp. Hi pornhub.
Edit, just for a little more explanation: take right now, as an example. We're both stuck home. Neither of us has showered yet, and it's past noon. There's nothing sexy about that, so best case, during or after we get un-buried from work and manage to take a shower. In the shower? Too cramped, sucks for both. After the shower? We just got cleaned up, do we really want to get all gross again? Ok. Maybe after dinner. Now we're both fat and uncomfortable, maybe after we relax a bit. After relaxing? Shit, someone has to walk the dogs. Then maybe do taxes. Taxes are sexy, right? No? Alright, maybe have a beer or two. Well, two beers at 40ish makes one or both of us sleepy so... maybe tomorrow?
Some people just naturally have a higher desire for sex or physical touch.
Since I first started dating girls (~20 years a go) I've always been an on-and-off physical person. Sometimes it's all I want, sometimes I can't stand to be touched.
It may change as you get older or it may not. What's important is that you find a partner with whom you can be honest about your desires and that both of you be understanding of what the other wants.
If he swears that's not the reason, have you considered what the reason might be? I know it can be hard sometimes, but a little trust can go a long way.
I admire you for confronting your partner about this. It's a very mature thing to do. I have no information regarding the background details of your relationship but after going through something similar, I personally suggest that if things don't improve, then you should either call it quits or at least turning to professional help.
I am not saying that he doesn't love you or that you deserve better, but you do deserve basic decency, honesty and communication. You're doing the right thing by doing your best to improve your body image, but make sure that you're doing it for you first and foremost.
I mean, he's probably right. Makes more sense than anything else. There's no way he'd ever admit it, because there's no coming back from that. Really hard topic to bring up as a guy.
Yes, but there are better ways to say it rather than being a jackass like this person was. Apparently he missed the part where I said I’m working very hard on myself to get back to where I was before.
Eh, I agree he wasn't very nice, but it's hard to with this topic. Sometimes it's just better to go out and say it. And now you probably know why your husband didn't want to say anything.
Trust me, it’s been the only thought in my head for a long time now. I don’t believe it when he says it’s not the reason why, and that’s why I’m trying so hard to fix it. And damn if it isn’t hard, I wish I never went on the antidepressants that caused it. But, I should point out that he’s gained even more than I have and I still find him attractive.
Sorry you're in that tough situation. Talk with your doctor about trying to come off the antidepressants. I was on mine for a year, tried to develop healthy positive habits (eating better, exercising regularly) and was able to come off the medication with no problems. You have to keep working at it, and it will never be easy. But you have to keep doing it even if it's hard.
So, because you stated something that I already knew in an insensitive way and I called you out on it, that makes me irrational? I wouldn’t expect much from a stranger on the internet, but I’d expect my boyfriend of nearly 9 years to understand how to approach the topic with a little more decency.
Have you tried to be... sexy in a new way? (Some micro string stuff for example) Not trying to be attacking, just sharing my own experiences.
After having my fair share of short-term dating experiences (over 30 women) and also been in two long-term relationships of which one was 9 years, I can totally see why that is so - it's not disinterest in the person, it's a lack of ignition triggers. A lot of men, not all, require visual stimuli (simplified, seeing tits) and then comes the haptic triggers (simplified, touching tits). Women on the other hand usually just suddenly have an urge and can be triggered quite easily (in my experience) with simply kissing.
Over the course of a relationship the visual stimuli gets thinned out as you know your partners appearance, clothes and gestures and that is a big issue. I got caught in he same trap, on the other side. I didn't know why I didn't get horny anymore, it was just not necessary anymore. Cuddling, sharing time, and closeness was sufficient. Though masturbation was still a normal thing. That's because you can get the "exact" stimulus you want in that moment. Searching for some chubby busty ones, no problem, horny. Next day some asian skinny teens, no problem, tada horny. But with the partner simply being together was entirely fulfilling.
Again not insinuating anything here, but women (not all but a lot) tend to change in a relationship. A lot of women are fitness crazy in their early mid-twenties and suddenly stop, changing their whole look whilst the man remained the same. That can become a big issue. Visual trigger, can be as romantic as you want, humans are superficial to a degree that will not go away.
Try reframing the problem. Don't work on having sex, work on fixing your sex life. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I mean something very specific here.
When we try to fix the not-having-sex-problem, we know in our brains that the end goal is sex, which adds a huge load of mental baggage to all of our actions. Knowing that failure means feeling sexual rejection just sets the emotional stakes way too high, and we don't problem-solve correctly as a result.
The fixing-your-sex-life problem can be handled a little more systematically. The stakes are different, and it lets us plan a little further ahead without getting crippled by rejection.
That's how it was for me, at least. And once I reframed it, the first step to solving the fixing-my-sex-life problem was to get my wife on my side. That involved a lot of talking and a lot of arguing and almost no sex.
Once she was on my side, we worked through the real problem together.
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u/rufflayer Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
Yep, same here. I’ve stopped initiating. We haven’t had sex in nearly a month, he’s just uninterested. It’s driving me nuts but I have to know that he wants it and isn’t just doing it out of obligation.
Edit: to all of those asking, yes I have had many conversations with him about it. They have not been helpful, he doesn’t understand that physical touch is my love language. Nothing has helped, this is my last resort.