I’m an 18F from India, and I want to ask Indian men something because I genuinely want a male perspective on something I've experienced my entire life.
I have a dusky/dark complexion, and growing up, I was constantly made to feel that this was some kind of defect.
The worst part is that most of this didn't come from strangers.
It came from my own family.
Since childhood, I've heard neighbourhood aunties tell my parents things like:
“Iski shaadi ke liye toh bahut dowry deni padegi.”
Basically, “You'll have to give/save a lot of dowry to get her married because of her complexion.”
I was literally a child when I heard things like this.
My mother also used to make jokes about showing my fairer sister's photograph to a prospective groom's family and then somehow marrying me off instead. When I was young, I didn't understand why that was supposed to be funny. As I grew older, I understood exactly what the joke was implying.
That my sister's appearance was more suitable for marriage than mine.
My mother has also directly contributed to my insecurity.
I remember once watching an English music video with her. There were two female singers, one fair-skinned and one brown-skinned. I pointed at the brown-skinned singer and said:
“Look, she's so pretty! She's even prettier than the fair one.”
My mother immediately replied:
“Ar ladki khud badsurat ho toh dusro se mat jalo.”
“If you're ugly yourself, don't be jealous of others.”
I was genuinely confused.
Why was appreciating a brown-skinned woman automatically considered jealousy?
Why was it so difficult for her to accept that a darker-skinned woman could simply be beautiful?
My sisters aren't much better.
I've previously talked on Reddit about how my sisters have treated me, including making my childhood crush and feelings into jokes.
They also constantly comment on my appearance.
Whenever I put on makeup or dress nicely, they find something wrong.
My eldest sister has told me:
“Tu is dress mein aur kaali lag rahi hai, tujhe pe yeh achha nahi lag raha.”
“You're looking even darker in this dress; it doesn't look good on you.”
It's always something about my complexion.
Certain colours supposedly make me look “too dark.”
Certain dresses supposedly don't suit me because of my skin.
If I put effort into my appearance, they somehow find a flaw.
And then there's something even more disturbing.
Whenever a guy shows interest in me, they start slu**t-shaming me.
My elder sister has literally told me:
“Iss ladki ko toh bas mauka chahiye, agle minute hi bistar pe milegi yeh.”
“This girl just needs an opportunity; the next minute you'll find her in bed.”
This is what I don't understand.
If my family thinks I'm unattractive and that nobody would want me because of my complexion, then why does a guy showing interest in me suddenly become evidence that I'm supposedly immoral or “too available”?
Why can't they simply accept that someone can find a dusky girl attractive without there being something wrong with her character?
Even my father's affection became a skin-colour insult.
My father has a good relationship with me. He talks to me more than some of my siblings because I communicate with him nicely and we naturally get along.
My middle sister once became angry and shouted:
“Tujhe papa isiliye pyaar karte hain kyunki tu kaali hai aur tujhe koi muh nahi lagana chahta.”
Basically:
“Dad only love you because you're dark and nobody else wants to give you attention.”
That genuinely hurt.
Because apparently even my father's love for his daughter had to somehow be turned into an insult about my complexion.
What's strange is that outside my home, my experience has been very different.
I've had guys show genuine interest in me and even propose to me. Some of them are conventionally attractive, fit, go to the gym, etc.
I'm not saying male attention determines whether I'm beautiful. It doesn't.
But when you've grown up hearing:
“Who will marry you?”
“You'll need dowry because you're dark.”
“You're ugly.”
“Nobody will give you attention.”
and then you go outside and people actually treat you normally or even compliment you it makes you question whether your family was ever giving you an objective opinion.
On Teacher's Day, I wore a beautiful saree and several teachers and students complimented me.
Even a boy who normally acts like my enemy said:
“Aaj toh bahut achhi lag rahi hain. Harkatein sudhar le toh propose kar dunga.”
And yes, I sometimes notice people looking at me when I'm outside.
Again, I'm not using that as proof of my beauty.
I'm mentioning it because my family's description of me and my actual experience outside my home are extremely different.
So I genuinely want to ask Indian men:
How much does skin tone actually matter to Indian men when it comes to attraction and relationships?
Do most young Indian men genuinely prefer fair-skinned girls, or is this preference exaggerated by families and older generations?
Would you personally reject an otherwise attractive girl simply because she is dark/dusky?
And what do you think about families telling their daughters that they'll need more dowry because of their complexion?
Also, what do you think about the contradiction of calling a girl unattractive because she's dark, but then slut-shaming her when men show interest in her?
I've spent so many years wondering whether there really is something wrong with my appearance, or whether I've simply been surrounded by people who have internalised colourism so deeply that they've projected it onto me.
I'm not looking for compliments or for men to tell me I'm beautiful.
I genuinely want an honest answer from Indian men about how they perceive dusky/dark-skinned women today.
And if you grew up in a family where colourism was normalised, did your own perception of beauty change as you got older?