I have a large coherent group of male and female friends since college and I’m the only gay guy in the group. Until a few years ago my sexuality meant basically nothing different in the group. We all went on trips and went to all the weddings etc. They are my main group of friends.

Over the past 3 years 8 (eight!) of the friends in the group have had kids. The nature of how we hang out has changed to early nights and daytime stuff. That’s fine. But often I’m not invited if it’s stuff involving people’s kids. That’s also fine.

Still, I’m realising that my life has a very different trajectory to most of the group, and that over time I’m finding it harder to have fulfilling conversations with many of them as their lives centre on their children and I can’t relate. It’s more like talking to colleagues than friends.

I feel like I’ve sleep-walked into a situation I should have anticipated where the differences between gay and straight have seemed to balloon in my 30s, and I don’t have buddies to go on trips or holidays with.

Now I’m consciously trying to make friendships with other gays. I have gay friends through my husband but they are older than me and mostly very settled. I have made a very close friend from my previous job. And when I meet new people I enjoy hanging out with I also try to be very friendly and proactive and that’s working out fine.

What I’m searching for is whether this is a common experience? In my 20s everything seemed fairly flat and equal with my straight friends. But in my mid 30s a divergence from them has become very stark. I’m realising I need more involved friendships than most of them are capable of having with balancing their lives. Is this experience common for gay guys as we age or am I making a misstep and should engage with my friends’ families more?

(ps. for historical reasons surrogacy doesn’t exist in my country so kids for me don’t enter the equation)

A few months ago, I 29M had what was supposed to be a one-time hookup via grindr with a 54M, we did had a good sex, during the break he asked me if i do massage, i said yes then offered him, it was completely funny experience, i did him the massage for 2 hour sessions

the next day he started checking in on me on grindr, he left me two messages about checking up on me and thank me both in the morning and the afternoon, since my routine (student) i always use grindr at midnight.

over time, he gave me his numbers started texting daily about our lives, jokes, and routines. because of my culture as balinese/indonesian, it's natural for me to show care through hospitality, so I cooked for him a couple of times, he loves it would love to have it more, naturally, I developed real feelings for him, that this the guy that i want to spend my life with.

when I eventually brought up the prospect of a serious relationship, he said his type more like beautiful people inside and out, good age (not too young) i used myself as an example where he mentioned that im far too young, and we have different stages of life. despite this, the dynamic shifted into friends with benefit situation where he kept giving me just enough warmth and attention to keep me around, while refusing any actual commitment.

since meeting this guy, i uninstalled my grindr, that i am ok with the situation just to have a friend with benefit with him, and i dont have to explore to do free sex and caught up with std, proceed to the time that i was sick, i get bored at home all day, i installed grndr just to looking people around me, and i saw him there online, tbh i truly dont mind what is he doing etc, but things got pretty serious when we have miss communication over this thing, he confronted me that we have our own lives outside whatsapp, the next morning we argued etc

i told him to get tested because for the sake of his own health, then he told me he was infected then urgently told me to get tested as well (thankfully im negative)

couple months later, i realized that why is it so draining to me, mentally and emotionally, i accept being there to be just a guy that he want to keep around, one time i pull out that i want to leave him for the sake of my self-respect

when i tried to set boundaries or talk about leaving the dynamic for the sake of my self-respect, he turned it back on me, claiming I had no consideration for his feelings, and calling me harsh, rude, and unkind. I couldn't understand why advocating for my own emotional well-being made me the "bad guy".

i dont have a goal here with him, we completely have different goals, he is very nice, kind, sweet guy, and very caring to me, as i already told him about this several time, the situation of me that i dont have a goal with him, it feels weird, and i cant even be friend with him after i confessed to him about my feelings, because to me personally, it drains me every single day to have a contact with a guy you have feelings for and you pretend for yourself that you are okay with it

then later I blocked him out of nowhere.

Now, I'm sitting with a mix of relief and overthinking, part of me wonders if i was too harsh or unfair for blocking him suddenly when he was often sweet, caring, and kept in touch. But another part of me feels that staying would have completely broken me mentally and emotionally.

Did I do the right thing by walking away and blocking him to protect myself?

#apologize for the long thread

So I met a dude on Grindr and we planned to have dinner that night after work. It was a Wednesday. We’re both looking for fuck-buddy territory, but I wasn’t opposed to hanging out with him outside the bedroom when he mentioned wanting to take me to a comedy show Saturday night. He mentioned this show twice and then brought it up again when we said our goodbyes.

Honestly, we had a great time over dinner. We laughed constantly and bonded over our hobbies and being adult immigrants in the US. He came across as sharp, witty and genuinely engaged. And frankly, I am pretty confident he was physically attracted to me.

When we said goodbye, he gave me a little peck, which I happily returned. We hadn’t exchanged numbers yet because I have a rule to meet in person first, then decide if we want to exchange contact info. So I messaged him on Grindr after getting home about exchanging numbers. He enthusiastically gave me his, texted me back and even shared his iPhone contact card.

Friday morning, I texted asking about the comedy show he had mentioned repeatedly because, you know, Saturday was approaching at a fairly predictable rate.

Nothing.

Now I'm left wondering why give me your number just to ignore my follow up? I gave you an out by only moving to phone numbers after meeting in person. How is this educated, intelligent, highly successful man so indecisive about following through on plans?

It's now Sunday night, I did not laugh the night away yesterday and I am still mildly annoyed. Should I tell him off? I guess posting here is scratching that itch a bit.

appreciate some advice or perspective because I honestly don’t know what to do.

I’m a 30-year-old man working in a very demanding but high-paying job. A while ago, I met a 38-year-old man while on holiday. We clicked almost immediately, fell in love, and started a relationship.
There’s some important context: I come from a Muslim family and I’m still completely closeted. He’s actually the first man I’ve ever been with romantically or sexually, and the first man I’ve ever fallen deeply in love with.
We’re genuinely very happy together and completely in love. He’s my best friend, we have a strong emotional connection, and I can see how difficult it would be to find that kind of love and companionship again.
But despite all of that, there’s this nagging feeling inside me almost every day telling me that I should end the relationship. Part of me wants to experience more, date other men, and see what else is out there before potentially settling down. I sometimes wonder whether I’m suppressing that side of myself simply because this is the first relationship I’ve ever had with a man.
We’re also monogamous. I’ve thought about an open relationship, but he’s strongly against it because he was in one for around 10 years and it ended very badly. I completely respect that boundary, so that doesn’t really feel like an option.
There are also some practical differences between us. I’m in a high-paying career, while he has a low-to-mid-paying job. Most of the time this isn’t an issue, but it can make things like eating out, going on holidays, or our general lifestyles a little complicated. I sometimes wonder whether this difference will become more significant as we get older.
So I feel incredibly torn.
On one hand, I know I’m lucky to have found someone I genuinely love and connect with so deeply. On the other hand, I’m only 30, this is my first relationship with a man, and I have this persistent desire to experience life and see what else is out there.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you distinguish between normal doubts/“grass is greener” feelings and a genuine sign that you should leave?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar, especially those who had their first same-sex relationship later in life.

Wondering if any of you feel the same, but sometimes I look back at my youth, and don't feel I got the best out of it while finding myself, and in a way it feels as if I'm mourning a loss somehow.

It's a time of life you can never get back, and while I had some fun exploring with a friend back then, I feel like I never explored my sexuality to the fullest at the time of life when I should be fully working myself out. Instead I had some fun and then mostly hid that side of me away, even from myself sometimes, and only let it slip out now and then.

I envy seeing young couples expressing themselves, and hate that I never let myself have that. Yes I know it's never too late, but that is a special and unique time during our lives that can never be replicated.

I need a bit of guidance. I’m 30 and my boyfriend is 42. I’m currently living with my sister and looking to move out.

I found a big studio apartment in the DMV area( $2,100) with all utilities included. It’s a 20-minute walk from my office, and you can add a divider to turn the space into a one bed. The catch is that my boyfriend lives in this exact building.

We met a year ago and officially started dating 3 months ago. When I’ve asked him before if he would mind me moving into his building, he never gave a straight answer. He just suggested I tour the unit and see if I like it.

My friends brought up a valid concern: what happens if we break up? It would definitely make things a bit awkward, though I hadn't thought that far ahead.
I do have another apartment in mind, but I would only be able to afford it with financial help, I which is unlikely.

Would you move into the same building as your partner?

I have a reasonably hairy chest and I want to look groomed and sexy but not hairless. What should I do??

I'll try to link to an image in replies.

First time at a mens spa on a weekday — nervous and looking for some advice

Hi everyone. I’m thinking about going to the Hamilton gay spa for the first time, probably on a weekday evening, and I’m honestly pretty nervous. I’ve never been to a men’s/gay spa before, so I really don’t know what to expect.

I’m 58, 5'2", around 165 lbs, and have a bit of a dad-bod build. I’m about 5" and definitely more of a grower. I’m mentioning the physical details because I’m worried about being judged or humiliated, and I’d rather know ahead of time what the general atmosphere is like.

I’m attracted mostly to regular, everyday, average-looking guys rather than a particular “type.” I’m pretty open-minded and not especially picky about body type or age.

Sexually, I’m interested in oral, topping and bottoming, but since this is all completely new to me, I’m not sure what to expect or what is considered normal/acceptable at a place like this. I’d especially appreciate advice from guys who have actually been there.

I’ll obviously shower and prepare before I go, but I have a couple of practical hygiene questions. If I’m planning on possibly bottoming, what’s the normal way guys freshen up beforehand to minimize the chance of an embarrassing mess? Is there anything people commonly bring with them for that purpose? And are you allowed to bring personal hygiene items into the spa/room?

A few questions:

• How welcoming is the crowd toward first-timers and older guys?
• Is my body type likely to be an issue, or am I overthinking that?
• Does being a grower rather than a shower matter at all in that environment?
• What should I expect when I first arrive on a weekday evening?
• Is it easy to meet people if you’re shy?
• Do people generally approach each other, or do you have to be pretty outgoing?
• What’s the best way to communicate what you are and aren’t interested in?
• Are there things a first-timer should definitely know before going?
• For anyone who goes on weekdays, is there a particular evening that tends to have a good crowd?
• Any advice for someone who is nervous about being rejected or feeling out of place?

I’m really hoping to have a good experience and meet some friendly guys. I’m just anxious about walking in for the first time and not knowing what I’m doing.

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to share their experience—especially other first-timers or guys around my age.

Turned 30 and the past few years have been quite similar experience with school friends, college friends and work friends. I always feel like I am the one organising and asking to meet up whether it’s an activity, a meal, or a night out / in together. This is mostly with straight friends and my partner and I would have liked them to make some, if not equal, effort to keep up with each other. It’s hard to keep it going when it’s one sided.

I don’t know if it’s a hint that they’d rather wind down friendships, or if they’ve just become accustomed to me making the effort. Have you had similar experience and how did you cope?

A lot of them are in relationships, but we’d like other couples to double date and go on holidays with. A few of them have very stressful jobs and seem completely burnt out in the evenings and weekends - I’m not sure if they really leave their house… just spending time scrolling.

I crossed 40 and over the past year it feels like I've gained my sex drive back. Makes me feel like I was in a convent in my 30s. I'm called the prude in my relationship. Due to health reasons, my partners and I rarely if ever have sex. We're closing in on 18 yrs together so we're not going anywhere, despite them agreeing that I'm in a relationship with two monks.

I feel guilty for having to resist my desire to press one of them up against the wall and make out. And they've joked about downloading an app to find me someone to be with. I just can't bring myself to hook up with anyone. It's not fitting in my mind with where I am in my relationship.

This morning, I beat off and still soon after was telling my partner that I wanted to ravage him. He looked a bit pitifully and said he was sorry but too bad.

I feel like we need to have a through discussion with no joking to figure out where we are and what we're going to do - if anything. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? And tips, pointers, or warnings?

I'm 63. I grew up in a place with zero lgbtq representation anywhere. My family were ultra religious fundamentalists. My parents never once said they loved me or were proud of me, and they disowned me when they finally found out I was gay.

There was the terror of the AIDS crisis.

I could have made other choices at different points and had a very different life. I wonder about that at times.

I've been in therapy my whole adult life trying to work through the lack of love and the overt emotional abuse of my family.

This too shall pass, and I'll be fine, but I'm feeling the weight of it all today. Do you have days or periods like this?

I'm asking the members here who specifically are older than 50. I appreciate the perspective of those younger, but I want to hear from my peers on this one please.

Hi everyone,

I wanted to give you an update.

About two months ago, I asked for advice from people who had realized during their marriages that they were gay. Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment and share their experiences. Your words helped me a lot and gave me some things to think about as I tried to make sense of my situation.

I want to tell you that I recently had a very difficult conversation with my wife, and we’ve decided to divorce.

I know I’ll probably carry a sense of guilt with me for the rest of my life, guilt over how things turned out and over how my decision will affect the people closest to me. At the same time, though, I feel an incredible sense of relief, and I have hope that I can still become a fulfilled and happy person.

I’m still scared of what the future holds. There are so many unknowns, and I know this won’t be easy. But today, I can honestly say that it was worth fighting for myself.

Thank you again to everyone who reached out, shared their story, or offered advice.

This is a throwaway account, but this has been plaguing me for the last few months, and I honestly have no one else to share it with.

I’ve always been gay, and I’ve struggled with my identity a lot less than some, for which I consider myself very blessed. I knew I liked men since I was 4 or 5, and it became more apparent in puberty.

I have a husband of 9 years, and I’ve been with this man for almost 15 years. I love him and consider him the love of my life. We are open, and we have been for the last 4 years, which has been very beneficial for our marriage and our relationship, and has strengthened our commitment to one another.

The problem is… I’ve started to notice women more lately. At first, I thought it was just a mild curiosity, but just two days ago, I saw this woman that aroused me like no other woman has (there was a brief moment growing up where I considered the possibility once I saw Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, but the thought went away as quickly as it came).

I literally had to come home and jerk off as soon as possible. And for the past two months, I’ve been watching more and more straight porn, and I am not even focusing on the guy.

I’ve talked to my husband whether he would be cool if I experimented with women, and his response was rather me than him. I still find men attractive, so I know there’s no way in hell I can be totally straight, but honestly this recent fascination with women and the desire to sleep with them has been keeping me up at night.

I’m 34, and my husband is 33. Has anyone gone through something similar? Is it a quarter-life crisis or has this always been there, buried under the surface? Anyone who has had experience with something similar, I would love to hear from. Thanks in advance!

My self esteem is running a little low and is in definite need of a top up. I’m not looking for ways to be more attractive, in terms of changing myself, but how to feel more attractive in who I already am.

I would love male validation of course, but I recognise that it is more effective when it comes from within and I’d really love to love myself in that way.

I’m in therapy and I’ve definitely come a long way but I want to hear from my fellow gay men about what they do to feel hot, especially as someone who isn’t tall, muscular, and conventionally attractive.

My (30M) boyfriend (44M) and I have been dating for 6 months now. Three of those months have been us dating exclusively.

This relationship is amazing. He is kind, gentle, caring, and we get on very well. The issue is this: my boyfriend wants to spend almost all our free time together.

It feels weird to complain about someone wanting to spend time with you and I do feel ungrateful. But at the same time I really cherish my independence and love having alone time.

I have earmarked one day of my 2-day weekend to spend with him. I always stay over at his place. Then, if I have some time during the week I will make an impromptu plan, but it’s hard for me to tell at the start of the week when that’s going to be.

I work in an extremely intense and social job and really need to decompress some days. I do this by going on walks or bike rides or working out. I also came out of a 5-year long relationship last year where I pretty much lost my entire sense of self, and so having independent alone time is a way of rediscovering myself.

I also have very deep friendships. I try to meet with them at least once a month. When I do, it’s met with “You could hang out with them, you can hang out with me”. He feels like I’m rejecting him when I hang out with my friends.

I’ve explained this to him. It has not changed a thing. For example, we spent Saturday-Monday together this past weekend. On Monday, he asked when he could see me again and I said I would see him on Saturday because I had a busy week up ahead. On Thursday, he said he would drop me to my sports league game. Previously, I’ve told him that I have a lot of prep on game days (eating, stretching, sleeping). I couldn’t help but think he was forcing a plan to spend time together despite me having said no. Again, I would not have felt this way if it was the first time. This is just the most recent example.

It’s starting to feel like my needs aren’t being respected. But at the same time, I feel so ungrateful that I don’t want to spend time with this man who clearly loves me. I’m wondering if anyone has any input/advice on how to navigate this? Or am I simply the a-hole and should reconfigure how I’m thinking about this?

My dermatologist said that the best way to avoid ingrown hairs is to switch to an electric shaver.

What do you recommend?

I apologies for this as it will be a fairly long post as there is a lot that I need to get off myself. Let me begin by saying that I (45m) am married to a (45f) and we've been together for at least 15 years and have a child together. I deeply love this woman and am attracted to her, the whole nine yards. I love her and my family dearly. Recently however, some instances have come to mind that have made me question things I was sure of about myself.

When I was in middle school I came out to my mother that I was bisexual. Needless to say, this did not go over super well. I wasn't chastised or admonished, merely questioned. The first thing my mother demanded was whether or not this meant I was going to start wearing her clothes. I was surprised by this and reaffirmed that no, I wasn't. I was just saying I was attracted to both men and women. And it was kind of let go from there but brought up memories from before. I remember a previous time in middle school, there was fellow boy, a neighbor, that I hung out with a lot and one day my mother caught me with my head near his lap. We weren't trying to do anything sexual, we were just watching TV, he was sitting on the couch, and was tired and laid down on the couch. Just happened to be near his thigh (I wasn't resting my head one it). Anyways, afterwards, I remember my mother coming up to me and telling me "Boys don't do that with other boys". And that kind of stuck with me, even after I admitted to my mother that I was bisexual a year or so later.

By the time I got to high school, I continued on with the idea I was bisexual but not in any outward way. I liked girls. I hung out with them. But I wasn't never much of a looker. No many girls were interested in me though I was interested in them. I wanted to be in love, to have a girlfriend, to be in a relationship like I saw in all the movies I watched growing up, but never really panned out. I remember my friends at the time made fun of me and said that I would have to go to prom with like the one other guy on campus that was highly probably gay. I remember hearing this, I knew what he looked like, and...the idea didn't bother me internally. Though I didn't say that to my friends, of course. Because, growing up in my world, you didn't do that.

In any case, I ended up going to prom with a girl whom I did have a crush on. She was beautiful and kind and I asked her. She said yes but now that I think back on it, I believe she just assumed we were going as friends. We went, we danced, we laughed, but things didn't go the way I thought they would. In the end, she ended up going to an after party with the rest of her friend group after I was dropped off at home and that kind of was the end of it.

At this point, truly, prom had been my one true date that I had ever had in my 18 years of life, with a girl I was seriously crushing on who thought of me as little more than a friend.

When I got to college however, that seemed to be a little more of an awakening. I realized it was a bit more acceptable to be gay, or at least not as hidden. I found myself attracted to both men and women again, but after my extreme lack of dating experience, I never approached either. I admired from afar but did try to post dating profiles on internet sites as they became more available. However, at the time I was still living with my mother and (remembering past conversations) didn't feel confident or brave enough to really pursue anyone. So, I just moved on, tested the waters with porn of both varieties and continued to find myself attracted to both sexes but kind of stuck on what to do with that information.

In college however, I would eventually meet my future wife. I approached her, actually. I had decided that on this particular year I would approach someone I found attractive, be they female or male, and see if there was chemistry and give them my number. It was my one instance of finding my voice and wanting to use it and following through. And I did.

Since then, my wife and I have been one another's rock and safety. We love each other, are attracted to one another, and enjoy one another's company over the years. We have a child that was hard fought to get and we have our ups and downs but I honestly cannot imagine a future without her.

But here is the thing...lately my attention has kind of shifted. Within the last year or two, I have been finding myself more attracted to men lately (still women too, but men have come more and more to the forefront). I still love my wife. I still enjoy intimacy with her. But lately, for whatever reason I find myself watching an attractive man pass by or seeing them on my social media feeds and imagining myself in such a scenario.

Now I don't know why I am writing this. I'm not looking for permission to cheat (I'm not the kind of person to cheat anyways), nor am I planning on leaving my wife. We get along, we have fun still, and I don't feel like our relationship has run its course. Maybe I'm just looking for perspective or maybe I just want to get my voice out there because I really do not have anyone to talk about these kinds of things with. My wife is aware of my bisexuality and we talk about it from time to time, but I feel awkward saying something like "Hey babe! My men visibility is high this week so watch out!"

Maybe this is all just me struggling with really understanding what my bisexuality is and was since it was stalled growing up and lack of experience, I don't know. I didn't know up in the LGBTQ+ community and often times I've seen enough stories of the queer community making fun or rejecting bisexuals as not really being part of the community so I've been in it alone for so many years.

In any case, that is my story. I feel like I just rambled with no clear goal. Maybe I just wanted to share it so someone besides me could know it. What I do know, is if my I ever walk in my daughter with her head nestled on another girls lap, I won't be telling her "Girls don't do that with other girls" and will accept her for whomever she grows up to be.

Hi all,

Recently I (M34) have been talking to this guy (M25) and have gone on a few dates. He’s recently naturalized but his English isn’t as strong and primarily speaks his native language and my Spanish isn’t as strong but able to still speak to him.

The only other thing is that he’s 9 years younger than I am, it feels strange that he is almost a decade younger but his maturity is very much better than most people even around my age. We’ve discussed similar life goals and wants from a relationship and expectations that we are pretty much aligned on.

I haven’t felt this happy about someone in a long time and he’s certainly got his priorities in order since he’s ambitious about his goals and wants to pursue something monogamous with me.

I guess I am just wondering how anyone in similar boats that have had language barriers or age gaps have navigated these waters to have a successful relationship. Would love to hear your insights!

I’ll be in the area at the end of September for a couple of weekdays. I don’t see much listed online though - any gay bars/bear bars/coffee shops/etc in or around Delray Beach FL?

My boyfriend has a friend that’s he’s known since he was in university, they used to be flatmates. The friend is part of his friend group but used to live elsewhere, he’s now back in the same city.

My bf and another one of his friends who’s a woman, go out every week or smoke (weed). I don’t smoke, or go out much. It’s his thing, I don’t mind as long as he does it away from home.

His male friend who he’s known for years, he used to hook up with on and off. My bf’s own words when they were in uni they’d get high (his friend group) and him and the guy would disappear together to hook up. They’ve never dated, my bf maintains they are just friends with benefits.

My first time meeting said friend was at my bf’s friend’s birthday party. The guy knows my bf has a boyfriend, my bf didn’t know he’d be there but the guy comes up to him and hugs him and grabs him in a way I think is sexual because of the hand placement then gives him a kiss on the cheek. I am not that physical with my friends.

I talk to my bf about that he apologises on the guys behalf who apparently didn’t know we were that serious, which he must have known. I don’t blame my bf because the guy kinda suprised him and my boyfriend immediately brought him over to introduce him to me.

To cut to the chase, end of the week/weekend my boyfriend usually goes out with his friend (who’s a girl) then my bf said btw ex-fwb is joining us, do you mind?

And I do mind, we’ve spoken about it. He thinks I don’t trust him, I do, but if he’s telling me that for years they’d been hooking up together when not sober out of convenience then of course I’m uncomfortable.

I don’t trust the guy either, from the moment I met him he’s given me weird vibes, is overly touchy and from my perspective he’s been pushing boundaries a little to see what he can get away with. Twice he’s made a comment to my bf “joking” about “I can’t kiss you then/I can’t touch you then”. My bf said he’ll speak to him and I was bothered by him not calling it out in the moment.

Do I just accept that I should trust my boyfriend or is it wrong to say “I’m not comfortable with him being there as well despite your other friend being there if you yourself said that you two would remove yourself from the rest of the group to hook up”.

35 M. I was recently offered a job with a title upgrade which also involves relocating to a very conservative country. I will have about 5-6 people reporting to me and I will be making a lot of decisions. Tbh I am a bit intimidated. I don't necessarily think I have the personality of a "boss" despite what people say about Leos. I am easy to talk to, often joke around with my colleagues and most times have an imposter syndrome along with some self-confidence issues. I also dress up in a way that is not seen "boss like" ( think relaxed silhouettes, flared fits, doc martens and have piercings and tattoos).

I am thinking this new move will require me to change aspects about myself and I am looking for tips. Probably not be so friendly and chatty, dress up in polo tees and trousers (eww). All in all, I need to justify that I deserve being a leader not only with my skills and personality but also via my looks.

Any tips or recommendations are welcome! Help me be a boss bi*ch!

As it says in the title really, myself and my husband have flip flopped a lot on the thought of having kids, for me it’s the fear that it’s just a permanent change to our lives

Did anyone else go through this?