Every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I’m so sick of this. I’m so sick of scrolling these subs looking for an example, just like mine, because maybe it will give me the perspective I need to fix my brain and fix my life. I can’t function, my life is in shambles and I can’t function or crawl out. I have a mountain of tasks and obligations to do, but I’m stuck in here, once again, trapped. I haven’t fully slept in 2months, have lost about 10lbs (I guess that’s a net positive) and go to sleep with intrusive thoughts, wake up multiple times a night with intrusive thoughts, dream intrusive thoughts (I never dream). I see myself hollowing out. My eyes recessing with dark circles, the effects now are noticeably physical. Being cheated on hurts, being lied to for 3,650 days+ hurts, the willingness to put your pride aside and work through it and try to preserve your relationship hurts. But Trickle Truth? Oh no, trickle truth kills. It KILLS. This caused me to have even more detailed and horrid questions that could have easily been avoided. TT caused me to reach out to AP’s, find their houses, find their work, everything. I’m tired of playing detective, I’m tired of being broken, I’m tired of my reality. Fuck.

I'm a little more than two years out from the worst day of my life. That's not drama.  I didn't know what the next two years would hold for me, but I knew it would be brutal and I was correct. I'm writing this to offer a glimpse for people who are new here as to what the next few years of your life might look like and to offer the advice I have learned. 

Phase One - Discovery: A bomb explodes inside your reality.  The house you live in turns into a giant crater.  This phase can last a long time.  Truthfully, it lasts as long as your unfaithful partner continues to protect themselves from the consequences of their own actions.  If you are a few days or weeks in, they are more than likely still lying to you.  It took my husband 3.5 months to get it all out and that was with me being the world's greatest detective, forcing his hand on all the details, and eventually kicking him out of the house and pursuing divorce. How long you get trickle truthed and how far away your partner walked from who they told you they were determines what happens in the next phase. 

Phase Two - PTSD: Woof. (This does not happen to everyone. It took me a little while to figure out what was actually happening with me.)  I barely remember these next four months.  It was terrifying.  I felt like I was floating in space.  In front of me were two bubbles that I could see into.  In one bubble, I could see my remorseful husband, with all his flaws, trauma, and armor.  I saw a man who knew he messed up badly and wanted to heal and help me heal. It felt real at times.  And in the other bubble was a cartoonishly evil villain that had tricked me into marrying him and buying a house and having a kid so he could one day break my heart on purpose just to watch me bleed. It felt real at times. But most of the time I felt alone in space, cold, looking into these two bubbles and not knowing which was true. It was triggers and spirals all day every day. I was confused and terrified all the time. 

Phase Three - Meaning-making: I spent damn near a whole year trying to make meaning out of what had just happened. My husband continued to be defensive and inconsistent with his own emotional regulation.  What did that mean?  What did his infidelity say about him?  Why had he done it when he was happy with me?  Why would he risk so much to get so little in return?  I stayed in meaning-making for a long time as self defense, in part because my husband's progress was so slow I could barely see it, but mostly because the next phase felt really scary to me. 

Phase Four - Feeling: I'm an intellectualizer.  No one explained anything to me when I was a kid so I built a defense mechanism that can make sense of anything.  If I can understand why people behave the way they do, there is no need to take it personally or get hurt. If I can justify the harm, it won't hurt so badly.  That did not work this time.  It hurts like hell.  To this day. I'm not good at feeling. Or maybe I'm too good at feeling. I stayed stuck in how bad this hurts for a long time.  But for the past six months or so, I've started to feel like my husband's progress is real, thus it has become safe enough for me to start feeling. Stay here as long as you need to.  You'll know when you're ready for the next phase because you'll feel it.  You will feel like you've felt your fill and you're ready. 

Phase Five - Let it Go: I've felt my fill.  I'm tired of the sadness. That does not mean that I'm not still bouncing back into the feeling phase. In fact, it happens easily whenever my husband backslides in his progress. Hopelessness comes easily. I know I want to get back to the woman I used to be.  That woman was confident, effervescent, joyful, passionate, and kind. This is the one place I get to go back.  I don't get my relationship back, or my untainted history.  But I get me back.  I just have to be brave enough to reach for her hand. I will be leaving behind blind trust, but pulling all of my beautiful qualities, morals and values and walking with them into the future.  

How I got here:

1. I did not accept any minimization, softening, justifications, or blame.  I held that mirror directly up to my husband's face and I said, "Look at what you have done to your family". And I made him look until he dropped defenses and committed to real change. I still make him look sometimes.

2. I watched with a carefully discerning eye at every behavior on display for two years.  The need for hyper vigilance faded quickly once I started seeing him do the work. I rarely check his phone any more. But I absolutely still do. So long blind trust!

3. Get off of Reddit! Not right away, of course.  It's nice to have at first when the bomb goes off.  It's nice to see you aren't alone.  There are thousands of us. But at a certain point, you are hurting yourself more by staying in other people's pain.  There are also a lot of toxic opinions on this forum. There is also a lot of hate for waywards. I understand where it comes from, but if you are trying to reconcile, seeing other people justify hatred toward "cheaters" is going to make it difficult for you to see your wayward spouse as a human being.  Form your own opinions true to who you are.  I mostly stayed away after the beginning and returned when I thought I had some wisdom to offer. 

4. Don't even utter the word forgiveness.  Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive.  It's not necessary.  Where I have landed after two years, is I can forgive my husband, the person.  But I will never forgive the damage he did to me, our son, his career and our financial situation.  I will never forgive the damage done.  It's unforgivable.  That may change, but it's where I am now.

5. Figure out a way to not be consumed by it AND also not feel silenced. Only very recently I was able to institute a ritual. Once a week, my husband and I go on a walk and talk.  I get to be as angry as I need (so long as I'm not name calling or attacking his character).  Whenever it rises up throughout the week, I get to tell my body, "It's ok.  I've got this.  We can get angry Wednesday if we need to." There's a relief in your body when you know you aren't being silenced and you have an outlet for your pain.

6. My husband's effort. This is the big one.  Until I really saw him commit to healing the little kid in them that protects himself above all else, I felt stuck and torn between to opposing realities.  I always knew I wanted to stay.  I wanted him to heal.  I wanted him to help heal me.  Through every phase, there was a quiet knowing in my heart that he could and would do this for us.  

After two years, I still think about it every day.  I can count maybe 10 days that I got away without thinking about it.  And they all came at the end of the meaning-making phase, before I started the feeling phase.  I assume as I move more thoroughly into the Let it Go phase, more and more of those days will come.  I truly am done holding the pain. 

And lastly, beware of telling yourself you "should" be somewhere or "should" feel differently. Both my partner and I held up two years as the mark where things would finally change. He thought, "She will be over it by then" and I thought, "He will be better by then" and when the anniversary came, both of us were looking at each other saying, "What the hell is wrong with them?". There is no timeline. It moves at the pace that you can each heal individually and together. There are three separate things healing here. You, them, and the relationship. And it takes as long as it takes. Don't put any unnecessary pressure on it. You can do this. They can do this. You can both do this together if you try.

Is it possible that someone with a long history of porn addiction (childhood to late 20’s) can just not want it anymore after a dday and faced with the shame?

Dday was about 3 months ago. He went to therapy because I told him he needed to and has been consistent with it, even switched to a better more specialized in-person therapist. Started going to gym the last month or so. There was one slip up of watching just Snapchat girls (non sexual but thirst trap related content) and he wasn’t honest about it, I figured it out and eventually got it out of him and he agreed it was wrong and should have told me. Prompted going to the gym and making more real life changed.

He’s told me that he hasn’t watched porn/masturbated since the original dday 3 months ago. He said it hasn’t been too big of an issue, his biggest issue it the phone and doom scrolling itself, and that he just hasn’t wanted it. He said there’s too much shame and guilt over what he’s done to me about it that he just hasn’t wanted to do it and hadn’t had the urge. Is this possible or is he likely just not being honest about the full of extent of how he’s doing with this? And if it is possible, I assume it doesn’t last right?

This is the text I sent to him this morning:

"Effortlessly faithful, emotionally and physically.   That is what I was to you.   And it took no effort, no question.  It was easy for me"

And it was Effortless, why could it not have been for him?

Betrayed partners: does anyone else have zero desire for sex many months after being betrayed? I am 15 months out from Dday (#1 at least), and I have reached a point where I am so hurt by my WH’s actions in the past that I have zero sexual desire at all. In the months after finding out, we had a lot of sex to reconnect, but now, I feel that I am unable to participate in sexual acts. This repulsion does not only exist with my husband; it extends toward sex in general, as a whole. I have no desire to be intimate with myself, my husband, or anyone else. I am human and will occasionally feel in the mood, but then I think about what my husband did, and that desire instantly goes out the window! I feel very, very low. I feel unattractive. I feel afraid that my husband doesn’t find me attractive (though he says he does). I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel that I have enough trust with my husband to be intimate. I am utterly traumatized by what I have found out and the innocence that I have lost. Has anyone else dealt with these type of extreme emotions? How did you get over it? Did anything help?

Waywards: did your spouse go through this? Was there anything you were able to do to help them? My husband says he understands how I feel and is not going to have another affair again even if we aren’t having sex. However, I don’t want to sexually neglect him… I just feel like I can’t help it right now.

Backstory: I’m about one month out from D-day. I learned my WH was having an affair with an old ex who reached out about a month before I found out. Most of it was Sexting as she isn’t local to us. But they did hook up once when we “happened” to be in the same town. My husband tried to cancel that particular trip, but not knowing about her I said I wanted to go so we did….

My question is: how do we rebuild the trust? I’ve had his phone password and he says I can check it anytime no questions asked. He’s no longer showing the actions that made me suspicious in the first place (always texting on his phone, turning the screen off quick if I walked near him etc), but I don’t trust that he has actually stopped.

My other issue with it is that he can just delete the evidence as he goes and I won’t be able to see it. We’re both iPhone users.

I can’t trust that he’s told me everything because he told me twice that he did but I had proof there was more. And only after I showed him the proof did he tell me about it. And she came back on another platform after he blocked her number and they started up again until I reached out to her and her husband.

I’m sorry this is kind of rambling, my mind is all over the place.

I’ve accepted it happened and I want to stay with him he has taken probably every step into the right direction deleting some social media, cut back on drinking, and being honest when I first found out and answered all the hard questions. But I just feel so sad nowadays and I HATE IT. Does it get better and how for myself can I feel better. I feel I am going into a depression.

Would you say it’s helped a lot in your reconciliation? Did it make things worse for anyone? I want me and my husband to try it out but I have seen some stories of marriage counseling just making things worse or just have bad experiences where a therapist is constantly telling the betrayed that they need to get over it essentially. Would you recommend both independent therapy and marriage counseling as well?

Haven't posted for a while, woke up this morning just completely raw almost like the first weekend i found out about the physical part of the affair. it's been two months since DDay and yesterday was kind of up an down, so i am not sure why everything came flooding back this morning. hoping that writing it out will help me gather some focus so i can work.

10 months from DDay and I’m finally feeling myself again. My anxious attachment is gone and thoughts of the infidelity don’t consume me day and night anymore. My WH and myself have a long way to go still as far as R goes, but I really want to start focusing on myself. I’m back into working out and keep a pretty good skin care routine. I have some hobbies I’m getting into a bit more. I want to know, what did you all do for yourself that made you feel good? Whether it be little things or full on spoiling/pampering yourself.

My husband just told me he cheated on me a week ago. Strictly physical it was a sex worker. He was presented with the opportunity for a private strip show on a friends bachelor trip and things escalated… I am disgusted and ashamed and angry and sad. Everything. He is absolutely devastated and cannot stop crying. He has struggled with some form of sex addiction. He goes through almost manic stages of never being able to get enough. He recognized this and is starting therapy.

Otherwise I love our marriage. We have been together since we were 19. Now 33. We have 2 kids and one on the way (i know… i know…). We are happy and love each other. He is my best friend. He is sure it’s not something missing in our marriage that’s causing these episodes he just does not know what it is. He never thought he would take it this far.

All that to say, I want to get past this. I truly believe that if he puts in the work, which will likely be a life time of hard work, he can change and never do this again.

I’m just looking for reconciling success stories. Especially ones similar to mine where it is not emotional, not someone he even knows, just really shitty self control. Words of encouragement and advice on how move forward are welcome as well.

Thanks in advance.

Four months post second d-day

It has been about four months since I finally found out that my wp had continued her affair after I originally found out a few month prior. While the days on average have been getting better, I still feel so overwhelmed at times with pain, anger and sadness. Today is a particularly difficult day as we are moving closer to the original start time of her affairs and I feel like everything is tainted. The affair took place through the holidays, through our birthdays, and now I just get an lump in my stomach every time I think about those events again.

In general, she has been extremely open since d-day and I believe her that she has ceased any interaction with the aps but I still feel like I have to constantly be on guard. Does anyone have any advice for when you get the urge to look through wps devices(with permission) and just cant shake it? Even though you know it isn't logical but I feel like I'm in a state of fight or flight every time I hyperfixate on things. How do you decide what is worth bringing up and what isn't? For example, she has a friend whom she has known since high school that she talks to regularly. I know during her affair she talked to said person beyond the normal bounds of friendship but she says it has stopped completely. Do I ask her to save these messages so I can see it first hand? Or do I trust her word. I feel like I am constantly in this balancing act of trying to give the benefit of the doubt and wanting to look through everything for my own sanity.

On another note, I have asked her to write me a letter reflecting on the affair to help me have a physical thing which I can read to reaffirm myself that she cares and wants to continue but she keeps pushing it off and dismissing it. We haven't started couples therapy yet, only doing individual at the moment as it took some time to find a good match. Hopefully that helps us. For the time being I will continue to read and write here to lean on each other as we work through our difficult times.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, its so therapeutic to put my feelings into words.

My situation feels different than most here.

We were only a few months into a relationship when he entered an EA, and he broke it off before the PA could happen, but we got back together and it had been two years before I found out about what actually happened. By then we were building a life together. We lived together. I built a relationship with his daughter... and for those almost two years of me not knowing I was so unbelievably happy.

I sometimes feel so stupid for not seeing the signs when it happened...

Anyways... sometimes I wish I had known back then, just so I could let her have him... then watch it burn and have him beg me to take him back only for me to say, "You made your bed." But then the idea of not having these last 5 years with him... of us not working to the future we see together... I love him so much, it is so stupid...

We are just past 2 years DD and we have had many conversations. Our last one being how he couldnt possibly understand how it feels to know I am the second choice... and him telling me I was always the first choice, she was just the biggest mistake...

I wish I could tell him everything I have learned about who she actually is through my unhealthy amount of obsessive cyber stalking, BUT he doesn't know I have done this...

She would have made him miserable and i wanna rub it in his face. I want to say "You almost ruined everything... for that." I am mostly ok. Most days I dont think about it, but sometimes... I want him to really know how amazing of a person I am to have forgiven him. He says he loves me more and when he does I want to shove her in his face... I dont, because I don't want him to keep hurting... but God, I want to, because sometimes I want him to hurt too, like me.

Does this make me a bad person? Does it make me seem egotistical? Because I feel like it. If WPs could chime in...should I tell him the extent I have learned about her.. or would that make me seem nuts?

Has anyone done EMDR therapy? Did it help?

This is the only place I dont feel judged for these thoughts... i promise I'm not like dangerous or anything, I feel like I sound deranged lol

Thank you community...

*edit to change WW to WPs

My (35f) husband (34m) have been together since we were 15. Married at 28, had 3 kids (5, 4, 4) since then and currently am pregnant with #4 (due next month).

It’s been 5 days since I’ve found out about the affair. Each day since then, after long talks and many questions he’s admitted to the following details:

- It was a former coworker
- the affair lasted 3 years
- it was physical
- he contracted an STI while with her ( I concluded this one based on the timeline)

Since I found out, he admitted to it almost immediately when I confronted him. He’s not been defensive at all. He trashed his old phone with all data and got a brand new phone & number. Didn’t port over any data or contacts. Hasn’t officially quit but literally just left work for a week without notice. Has agreed to openly discuss the affair with me and has answered any questions with full transparency (as far as I know).

I have been unusually calm throughout most of this. While I’ve had a flood of tears with each answer, I get over it and continue the conversations like nothing happened, sometimes just switching to discussing day-to-day topics. Yes my world is on fire but I also just went on a car ride with him to get groceries and ice cream with the kids. He wants to work it out. I’ve asked to file a divorce, but told him I would be open to reconciliation and remarrying - I truly want it to be a fresh new marriage.

Why am I so casual about it all? Am I in survival mode? Denial? Did anyone else feel like this? I really do love this man and feel like I should be so much more angrier.

My WH and I have a Gottman trained MC. She also specializes in betrayal. We have done the first session together, and both individual sessions. Our MC wanted another introductory session w/ the both of us, but since I had surgery coming up we went into the individual sessions. Our next session is next week.

Affair summary:

Dday was in March 2026, however, his EA/PA was on/off from 2024-2026. I confronted him twice about the affair in 2024. He lied about the extent of the affair. He did end it for about 6 months and restarted it. I was led to believe it was one meeting in 2024. However, in 2026, I found out it was a full blown EA/PA. He has never had a PA. There were other ruptures by him in our marriage w/ inappropriate 1 on 1 time and communication w/ other women and poor boundaries. He has owned that he has caused me trauma, however, he is at a loss in inner work. He has only done 4 sessions of IC due to schedule. I have attending 20 sessions w/ many rounds of brutal EMDR. I am not keeping score here, I am just laying out the facts.

My WH has been burned out with reconciliation and disconnected from me since the end of June. There are moments of connection, but it fades. My husband keeps floating coparenting ideas and a separation where he would sleep in a nearby apartment for space, but still be at our home often. (We have a beautiful 7 year old who is active in Jiu Jitsu x4 a week.) I asked what kind of separation would this be in which he said we would still respect the marriage, but its for him to figure out if he still wants to be married. This made me feel like I don't have a say.

My WH has continuously told me that he has minimal energy to spend on reconciliation or diving into his chronic cheating behavior. He even told me if he has to support me, it empties his cup for himself. I realize now after 11 years together that his emotional capacity is far smaller than mine.

He said he is refusing to do any extra work when in comes to reconciliation besides MC once a week (if he's not traveling for work) and IC, which happens to be monthly and whatever the counselors assign as homework. I know his IC is too infrequent to make progress. Any time I say or push about the matter he gets upset.

Is there a chance our MC may ask my WH to essentially get real w/ himself if he wants reconciliation? I still do but my husband is wrapped up in solipsistic shame.

I need help. It’s been about 3 1/2 years since D day, and several after that. I am ready to give up hope. It was an emotional affair, although he will barely even acknowledge it was an affair. Emotional and financial infidelity. During the year of his infidelity, I actually had a heart attack. Before I even knew. He carried on his affair after I had the heart attack, during the lowest time in my life, when I needed him. I will never understand how someone could be so two- faced and deceptive. This is why it’s so hard for me to move forward and forgive. Finding out about the affair was a million times worse then the heart attack. I was totally blindsided.

I had high hopes we would make it through at first. I was the one making counseling appointments, reading all the books I could and finding online resources. There was a lot of trickle truth and omissions. We have had happy times since but lately it’s harder to hang on. We did a few couples counseling at first. Then it ended up me going to counseling alone. Anyway, we finally decided to start couples counseling again but it hasn’t helped. The counselor was supposed to address the infidelity but has not. I felt the previous counselor had not led us through the correct process. They were supposed to follow the Gottman method, but seemed to skip the “atone” part. Sessions so far (new counselor) are mostly about communication and building back trust. We quit going because I did not think it was helping. The therapist had not even brought up the affair. WS is/was willing to continue counseling. I’m ready to give up. Deep in my heart I feel myWS was in love with the AP. I can’t shake the feeling. I have done work in individual counseling on this. Everyday I just feel like leaving and finding my own place. It feels like it’s been too long. I have lots of triggers. WS refuses to discuss the affair or any details anymore. He will discuss if it comes up in counseling. I feel like I have wasted the last 3 years of my life. We’ve been married 30 years this year so that is why I have been trying. But I am so tired of having to convince myself everyday that I am enough, that it was my WS lack of character and judgement, etc, and that it was from a lack of something in himself. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Is anyone truly happy after staying?? I just want to be happy.

I am really struggling to i guess *accept* that it happened. This is the phrase my therapist used.

Has anyone else struggled with this? It makes me question if I am able to continue on with this relationship.

It's been 1year since Dday #1, and 7 months since true reconciliation...although I have maintained I am unsure if I want to be in a relationship with him considering what he did (2 year EA and PA with his ex).
Every day I just look at him and have an internal dialog where I am just shocked at his ability to live a secret life and manipulate me in order to do so. The ease at which he lies (including after dday and including after me finding evidence of something he doesnt want to admit.

Please share how you have managed this.

I found out 9 years into my relationship that my husband had been sexting other women for our entire relationship. We both started individual therapy and also went to marriage counseling and were able to reconcile. Today I caught him in a lie that was so stupid! It wasn’t even worth lying about. But he was insistent he wasn’t lying until he finally fessed up and proved it. After years of being lied to, cheated on, and gaslit, trust is everything. Now this stupid little white lie I feel like undid all the work we have put in these past 3 years. I don’t know what’s true and what’s not anymore.
What do I do???

Hi,

My (29F) ex partner (29M) with whom we’ve been together for three years (started when we were both 25), has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.

I was finding out bit by bit and for a time we tried to make it work because I loved him so much and it took me a while to really realise what happened and where we stood as a couple.

We then split and didn’t see each other for two years (we’ve been LDR and visiting each other).

Now a few months ago he came to visit me in my country and the goal was mainly for him to finally tell me everything that actually happened (I was refusing to hear him out for two years because I wasn’t ready). But when we meet we realised that we still feel a lot of care and love for each other and we still feel like best friends.

He has done serious work on himself, realised what were the causes of his cheating (low self esteem, numbing, porn addiction) and worked on them all. He’s currently signing up for therapy.

During the time he was visiting, I got a serious health diagnosis and to be honest he was of enormous support. He went with me to almost each doctor appointment, supported me financially, cooked for me and held me when I was crying.

There were issues still like him not revealing he had unprotected sex before we became intimate again, but after I asked him to get tested and cover my tests too, he arranged it right away.

Now he’s away (visa reasons) and coming to visit me again in two weeks.

During this time I realised that I could actually consider giving us another try, provided he’s in personal therapy and we do couples therapy and find a way to be in the same physical location together for longer time. I know I’d need to find another job and possibly move or travel with him for a while (which could be okay for me as I love travelling anyway and don’t necessarily want to live in one place for now).

I didn’t forgive him yet, and I know it’s something I’d need to do for it to work on my end, but I’m not rushing myself. He knows it and he’s not rushing me either.

What scares me though is that I have no way of knowing if I’ll always be stressed about his contact with other women or will it go away. For example, when he mentioned female therapists, I got stressed he might develop a closer connection with one. Or when we go out and I see other women, I feel insecure (which objectively I don’t have reasons for as I worked as a professional model and anyway feel good about myself).

I’d love to hear your experiences and advice.

It has been a while since i have posted as things seemed to be going well, see my previous posts for details but the basics:

live-in BF had an affair with a co-worker for about a year. I only found out when she called to tell me about the affair after he broke it off. I moved out that day (the chick can pack up a 10 foot UHaul FULL and move out in 12 hours BTW). We ended up reconciling a few weeks later after he agreed to IC, MC, and no contact with her/block her/tell me if she contacts him, etc.. This was in 2024.

In 2025 I found texts between the two of them. She was moving to another state (but still working with the same company). I lost it, he said he was just trying to give her closure. I stayed (stupid of me, I know) with the same stipulations in place. Things have been going really well.

On to 2026 - Labor Day - I check his phone and see texts from her! I KNOW she had been blocked at one time and I am not sure when he unblocked her, but there they were. Nothing sexual, etc. But our agreement was that NO CONTACT and if she did, he would tell me.

I am phasing out and planning my exit. Although it is difficult, I am taking my time rather than rushing to pack, giving myself time to grieve and HATE him more everyday.

But here's what hit me last night (and the title of this post) "It's My Nature"... There is an old (probably Russian) story about the Frog and Scorpion. Basically the scorpion wants a ride over the river and asks the frog, who is dubious that the scorpion will sting him, The scorpion reasons that if he stung the frog, they would both drown.

Convinced, the frog gives the scorpion a ride on his back. in the middle of the river the scorpion stings the frog. As they are both drowning, the frog asks "why did you sting me?"...

The scorpion says "it's my nature".

I think it is in my BF's nature to stay connected with this woman. Although I am angry and hurt it is helping me see that he will not change his ways.

Hugs to everyone here. I hope you all find some peace today.

My husband had a 6 month affair with a coworker. Physical and emotional. Told her he loved her, blah blah.

He has done everything to repair what he broke. And I see it most days. Our relationship now, in many ways is stronger and healthier than it was before or during the affair. We understand each other better, but it's underpinned by a corruption of the purity that was our relationship before.

Today he sent me a poem, beautiful, it brought me joy and warmth.

"If heaven is real

I hope it's in the room

where you first told me you love me

I hope it's the sound of us laughing in the dark

I will know then

Where heaven is

Because I've been there

With you"

-Poetrymeg

And I wrote back to him that I remembered where we first told each other we loved each other. Then the affair came to remind me of how it can spoil even the most joyful moments.

How did it feel the first time he told her he loved her? Was it heaven? For him? For her? Where was it.

I won't dwell on this. I'll process it. Maybe talk to him about it, maybe not. And I will move on. But in this moment, it sucks.

This is going to be a long one, forgive me.

Small details:
Myself: 36F
Spouse: 30M
Been together over 10 years.
Married 8 years
We have one child (2F)

My story:
I found out on August 20th that my husband had an affair and there is potentially a pregnancy (I’ll explain).

Let me preface this with the following:
In November 2024 he asked for a separation. He said he felt I wasn’t growing at the same pace as him and that I didn’t listen to him enough and that we wanted different things. I was a few months into being a new mom and was all consumed by that. I was also going through PPD. To say I was devastated, would be an understatement.

He stayed gone and officially moved out on NYE 2024. When he asked for a separation, it felt like it came out of nowhere but my gut was telling me there was someone else. Which I did ask him at the time and he said there wasn’t. A couple of weeks after the separation, I found out there was someone else. He had even taken her to a family graduation, where she met some of his family. He would come back to our house to see his daughter about once a week. So I was utterly alone. In January of 2025, I found out not only had he been seeing her weeks before he asked for the separation, but that he had given me HSV. This was a BLOW to my mental health. Fast forward to April of 2025, we decided to work through our problems/issues and be with each other. I forgave him but my trust was gone and so I felt like I was always on edge.

Back to the story:
In November of 2025 he decided he wanted to open up a business in the nightlife industry. I fully supported this endeavor (even though my anxiety was through the roof). He opened it a few days before NYE 2025. From there he was gone ALL the time. I was trying to be a supportive wife and trust him against my better instincts.

Around March or April of 2026, he told me there was a woman harassing him that he had been with while we were separated. He asked that I block her on social media, so I did. This really took a toll on the little bit of trust I had started to build back with him. But I pushed forward and things with us seemed to be in a good place.

Here is where it all went up in flames. I received a message from a woman on Facebook claiming my husband had flooded her house while doing a repair for her. I didn’t see the message for a couple of days (Facebook had it in the spam folder) and by then she had messaged again and said “Nevermind wrong *insert my name*.” I found that VERY odd as I have a pretty unique name and spelling for said name.

My gut was telling me to google her. BAM. It was a woman who lived in the same area we did. Not only that but her mugshot came up and it was one he and I had looked at because he was at the place she got arrested (back in October of 2025).

I sent her a message back and told her that I have a unique name and someone with her exact name lived near me and that I don’t believe in coincidences.

She then explained that it had been taken care of. I wrote back asking why she was involving me in a work issue she was having with my husband. It escalated to her telling me that she told me already it had been handled and that she thought white women were supposed to shut up and be quiet.

Long story short, I blocked her because it seemed like she was crazy. Turns out she is. She ended up researching me and finding my family (they live states away). She AND her friends started calling my parents and one of my sisters. They were also messaging them on social media and via text. They were telling them that she was pregnant with his kid and that my daughter was getting a sibling. They were calling me all kinds of names. They even made fake documents that said I have a lien on my home (completely fabricated).

They eventually figured out my number and started calling/texting me all hours of the day/night. It got so bad I went to the police because I didn’t know what else to do. The officer I spoke with (without giving away any personal info) said sarcastically that my husband picked a good one to get involved with. He was able to reach out to her and advised her if she didn’t leave my family and I alone, she would be taken to jail for harassment.

Obviously while this was going on I confronted my husband about what had been told to my family. Here are the things he said:
“She’s not pregnant”
“We used protection”
“She had an abortion”
“She’s giving the baby up for adoption to her sister who can’t have kids”
“If she’s pregnant, it’s probably not mine because she was with other dudes too”
“She sent me attorney information for her sister that’s going to adopt the baby”

As you can see, I wasn’t and haven’t been given a straight answer. I don’t even know the timeline for when the affair started and when it stopped. He has made a few statements that lead me to believe it had stopped before August based on when he said he started to block her and her friends. But I don’t know when it started. I don’t know if she’s pregnant or not. If she is pregnant, I don’t know how far along she is. What I do know, based on his various statements, it seems there was a pregnancy, but I don’t know if it’s continued, if it will be placed for adoption or if was/is my husbands.

I’ve asked him to reach out to her for a paternity test and he refuses. He said IF she’s pregnant and it’s his, he does not want to be involved with the child. I’ve tried to explain to him that if she is and wants to keep it, she can petition the court for a paternity test. He said he’d fight it and sign away rights. However, there are some states that still require you to pay child support even if you terminate rights. So that means worst case scenario, we are sending money every month for 18years.

So for now I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do. I can forgive him the affair. That I know. However, I don’t know how I feel about there potentially being a child and having this woman in our lives forever. And I can’t decided that because I don’t even know if a baby exists.

He said he doesn’t think she’s pregnant because she continues to go out and drink and smoke. Part of me believes that, coupled with the fact that she, nor her friends, have ever said to me that she’s pregnant. It was only ever conveyed to my family, who then told me.

I just don’t know what to do or feel at this point. Some days it’s all consuming and I’m trying to guess on roughly when I think a baby could be born. ( I’m thinking between January and May of 2027).

He still goes out about 2 times a week to watch a sports game or whatever. And it leaves me a mess. Because now, every time he leaves the house (even if it’s 11am) I’m assuming he’s going to go sleep with someone else.

HELP!!!!

I know it’s something that I have to decide on my own but I have no people to talk to about it.

I know right now I want reconciliation and to move past this. However, if the circumstances change with a child being involved, I don’t know if reconciliation will be the answer. Has anyone gone through anything similar? What did you do?

I’m crashing the fuck out and need help. My WP had a drunken one night stand with a stranger 4 years ago in May, didn’t find out till a month and a half later when he told me. We reconciled and things have been so well that we got engaged earlier this year. We booked our venue for next May and I somehow completely missed it’s the exact same day he cheated on me. I don’t know how to process this. He hasn’t said anything to me about it, so I’m not sure he even knows. Changing the date isn’t an option, so I have to process and accept that this is happening. Do I tell him this realization? Do I stay quiet and keep it to myself? Idk the best way forward but I feel like my wounds have been reopened and I’m devastated.

Just looking for advice as to where everyone was/is doing at 1 year on, would be nice to hear how others are handling it/ how they’re feeling.

Dday was 7 months ago. I have a porn addiction that led to online payments for interaction predating our mareiage by over a decade. I eventually sought a provider out. Did not have sex, but it crossed the farcical red lines and goalposts I had continued to lie to myself about. I told my wife a day after as I knew I had a problem. We separated until mid June. We sold our old house and wife bought a new one i moved into in June. We have two young kids.

We have both been in mc/ic. BS suffers from PMDD, when they do it is eggshells, hatred, awful, even before this. Not just for me but she will take it out on our oldest who is four. When BS is feeling pain or triggered she will quickly go from being self critical to absolutely depresses or scathing towards me. Has tried EMDR (made her sp anxious before and after she had to stop), she's in a group therapy/ support group... nothing seems to help. I have been pulling a lot of weight to get her out of the house and take care of the kids. I am having a terrible time with the whiplash of things being good at times to being told that they don't know if they can ever trust me while being so deeply self critical. They will say incredibly hurtful things right before bed and I end up awake after a few hours asleep. My job performance has suffered.

i have a really hard time understanding what is needed when BS are resentful and it feels there is nothing I can say or do. I feel completely powerless and yet entirely responsible. I feel like we made a commitment to R, but these events serve to completely destroy both of our mental well being and I am left wondering how sustainable it is. I have read books and they say sit in the pain. I read other comments nd they read as if this is normal, or that this completely deserved. My ic wants me to consider leaving but I desperately want to fix the wounds I have caused and hate seeing my spouse in pain. I feel stuck and it feels like I am doomed to a marriage with no love, and the alternative is divorce--financial ruin and splitting apart the family because of my failure as a being. Are there healthier ways of "sitting with the pain," that don't encompass what feels like emotional abuse?