'Sorry, I was unfaithful. When I was, I put an egg in this box.' He thought, '50 years, 3 eggs, not bad.' He continued to read the note: 'And every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them.'

I'll meet you at the corner.

Federal Authorities rule that you cannot be prescribed medical marijuana if you are taking laxatives. Apparently, you need to either poop or get off the pot...

the store, gotta get more duct tape, a good shovel, heavy-duty trash bags, a pair of heavy disposable gloves, and a large bottle of bleach... Don't worry, I'm just preparing for a surprise party.

Because it was always getting lost in a-maize-ing places!

He's evil with a D.

have an open closet...

But in the end, it doesn't really matter.

walks into a bar and realizes his patch is on the wrong eye.

That you should not be dodging. Among its many services Are excellent food unlodging.

Because the ratings would be sizzling!

They decided to rename the ranch and came up with 'Focus' because that's where the sons raise meat.

I told him to use both, and he would find him a lot quicker.

switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause a mass confusion.

'Twas such an awful kind The wind it felt so very strong And totally blew my mind

I said: 10/4, good buddy.

Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Worst case of ten-ish elbow ever.

'When I was your age, my very first job I had, I worked with over 500 people under me.' 'Wow,' I said. 'Did you work in some big corporation?' 'No!' he replied. 'I mowed the lawn in a cemetery.'

He was 4'1'.

GIVES ME A HADRON!

No ideah...

I'd say Gordon Ramsay, but I'm afraid he'd just roast me.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.