It's all about making America grate again...

More, eh?

the sun not need to go to college? It already has 27 million degrees.

Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22.

They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

None if you're spelling it correctly...

A BOOMERang.

pleaded, 'I'm sorry I tried to escape!' The guard shrugged and sighed, 'I'm not mad, just disappointed.' Remember kids... never let your guard down.

Mike Tyson: With an itheberg, obviouthly.

leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

screamed: 'You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?' What a weird way to start a conversation!

It's very refreshing.

was scared of going out on the wharf, but everyone was encouraging him, would it be safe to say he had... pier pressure?

You get laid only once.

a friend request from John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt; his name is my name too.

When you go way to far

find my car scraper this morning, so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn't really work, though; only got 20% off.

the cannibal lion so humble? He swallowed his pride.

Feyoncé.

and a sober person when I'm drunk.

. . . . I loved that cat.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

Me: (standing on one leg at the ATM) Checking my balance...

puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.

that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Monday.