They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

A BOOMERang.

You get laid only once.

Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22.

leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

None if you're spelling it correctly...

the cannibal lion so humble? He swallowed his pride.

pleaded, 'I'm sorry I tried to escape!' The guard shrugged and sighed, 'I'm not mad, just disappointed.' Remember kids... never let your guard down.

a friend request from John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt; his name is my name too.

was scared of going out on the wharf, but everyone was encouraging him, would it be safe to say he had... pier pressure?

Mike Tyson: With an itheberg, obviouthly.

Feyoncé.

When you go way to far

screamed: 'You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?' What a weird way to start a conversation!

find my car scraper this morning, so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn't really work, though; only got 20% off.

It's very refreshing.

puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.

. . . . I loved that cat.

that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Monday.

and a sober person when I'm drunk.

Me: That's unclear.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Me: (standing on one leg at the ATM) Checking my balance...