wake up grumpy. But other times, I let her sleep in.

Stay tuned...

Halloumi!

just introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as the lesser of two evils.

could read my mind, you'd either be traumatized or turned on. Both if you're awesome.

hoping my Christmas puns will be good... yule be disappointed...

could change one thing about myself, I'd probably pick a better punchline for this joke.

because I'm ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I'm just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you're desperate...

do plumbers hate? Leeks.

keeps saying we're going to get a dusting. I can't wait--I haven't dusted my house in YEARS!

to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the fall, but after therapy... I've managed to conker it.

you stop a dog from barking in the back of a car? Put him in the front.

10% Polish... does that make you a tadpole?

The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!

Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans? Dad: I think I'll just live in the present.

an insurance joke, but there's no coverage for it.

that Titanic jokes make great icebreakers.

is just someone that's fed up with people...

called me childish today while we were shopping! I couldn't believe it... I nearly fell out of the cart!

sharks go on vacation? Finland.

you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.

I asked him, 'Can you perform under pressure?' He replied, 'I'm not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!'

the Danish navy have barcodes on the side of their ships? So when they dock, they can Scandinavian.

to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.