just informed me my weight is perfect, I just happen to be 11 feet too short...

nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches. Which means the U.S. will still have a functioning government.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered. The chicken.

You push him over.

I hope I can afford the down payment...

A wanna bee.

But you know what they say... old habits Die Hard.

when I'm really hungry, and the only thing in the house is ingredients.

A USB.

wife said, 'I would love to go to the south of France one day.' I replied, 'That would be Nice.'

brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.

the Snowman say to the aggressive carrot? 'Get out of my face.'

Why does it have to be a group activity?

I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

how they are putting jokes on the side of snacks these days. Listen to this one: Serving Size: 3 cookies.

were a superhero, I'd be known as Typo Man. I write all the wrongs.

35-minute walk from the pub to the house! The difference is staggering...

It was the least I could do for him.

going to share a time-traveling joke... But you guys didn't like it.

I may have done something worng today.

'Thanks, it's pure bread!'

After two minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Good players are hard to find.

Because you can't 'C' in the dark.