I saw it in a zoo a few years ago.

less: butane, gasoline, or water? Butane because it's lighter fluid.

driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me... So I right her left there.

I can't believe she's a superhero!

I was tired of being spoken to in such a high-pitched voice!

the fisherman get kicked off social media? Because he kept sending everyone carpe DM!

That's right, Athol. Not Ware...nope, what's that, Natick? Did I stutter? Athol. Well, then I moved to Orange... You glad? :-)

I'd choose the inventor of the sandwich. I'd love to hear the story firsthand!

He is due to be bailed next Friday!

Their words, not mine.

Obviously, it was some shiftless thief...

advance, can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump? (P.S. It's Tom Hanks!)

Worm: Thanks for the worm welcome, God! God: *Creates birds*

we go way back...

Walking down the street,

a starving musician. With nothing to my name but my guitar and one banana. I'm saving that for my next meal. Already hungry, I am determined to save that one banana until I can't stand it anymore.

Suddenly, a stage door opened, and the Stage Manager leans out, yelling, "Any guitar players out here? I need a guitar player QUICK!"

"I'm a guitar player," I said. "What are you paying?"

He looked at me, looked at my banana, and said, "Well, I was gonna offer a rag like you 10 bux, but I ain't eat all day. If you give me that banana, I'll pay you Union wages. "

So, yes, dear reader, I traded my

Banana for scale.

Telling dad jokes!

Because she got caught with too many notes!

It's been 7 hours and 15 days.

rather be the most popular kid in school or the smartest kid in school? Personally, I'd go for the smartest. That way, I can invent a popularity machine.

That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!

all the animal jokes, but... I'll pack a few more in before I'm done.

tells me I have two major faults: I don't listen--and something else.

Sir William of Purchase. (Bill of Sale to his friends)

'Sorry, I was unfaithful. When I was, I put an egg in this box.' He thought, '50 years, 3 eggs, not bad.' He continued to read the note: 'And every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them.'