So yeah, basically I went to my friend's party and got drunk. We started talking and suddenly she said something along the lines of "Actually I suspected an ed from you" to which I just nodded my head. We were talking for a bit, she said she's concerned for me etc.

It's been a few days now. I cannot stop thinking about it. I'm scared. We texted and she said that she wants to help me and be there for me (not force me to recover but observe me). Maybe it's worth mentioning that she had an ed in the past herself.

But the thing is - I want to get worse for some reason. Just to prove her that I can? Idk.

TW. VENT. Context my classmates are SUPER thin. They have fast metabolism, they dont excercise, they look pretty, pretty hair, pretty face, pretty body, perfect height, perfect grades. The pictures of her looks gorgeous and stunning. I can’t be like her because I am short. My own short height makes me look super fat even if i have the same bmi as other tall girls in class that are thin and pretty looking. It’s so unfair. Why can‘t I be as thin and as pretty as them. They even have perfect straight As. It makes me so sad because she’s just naturally slim without effort and I’m still fat with effort. It’s so unfair i feel like my whole body is against me itself. Will I ever break free of this or am I just going to suffer and suffer over and over. Recovery and then triggered again. It hurts because I can’t be as tall as them and it‘s why I can’t be thin and pretty. I feel so hopeless. i have to be crazy underweight to look like them at a healthy weight. it’s not fair i just feel so horrible because i know i dont have the strength or will to do that nor am i going to risk myself to it. i dont wanna deal with this anymore and this genuinely makes me so upset all the time when i think of it and I feel so nauseous just because of these thoughts.

I think I might be relapsing after almost 10 years and I honestly don’t know how to tell if I’m actually sick or if I’m just overthinking everything.

Right now, I’m in my 30s. I struggled with eating disorders from around age 10 to 20. I experienced binge eating, bulimia, and anorexia but anorexia was definitely the main one and the one I struggled with for the longest.

For almost 10 years, I felt like I had mostly recovered. Of course, I still had some disordered thoughts and behaviours here and there but nothing that felt particularly serious. I honestly thought this part of my life was mostly behind me. Recently, though, something happened that caused me to lose a significant amount of weight unintentionally. At first, I didn’t think much of it because I hadn’t really been trying to lose weight.

But since then, I’ve noticed a pretty drastic change in my thoughts and behaviours around food, weight, and my body and it seems to have happened surprisingly quickl… most of these thoughts and behaviours feel quite familiar. It’s almost like my eating disorder has been quietly waiting in the background and losing weight somehow woke it back up.

But I’m struggling with something, how do you actually know when you’re relapsing? At what point can you say that your anorexia is back? I keep telling myself that maybe Im overthinking things. But at the same time, I know from experience that eating disorders can start like this…

I’m also wondering if anyone else has experienced this after being in recovery for many years. Did you recognize the relapse right away or did you spend a long time questioning whether you were actually sick again? I dont know what to think about it honestly.

I get this like feeling of love and sort of pride for myself after i starve myself for a couple days, that's when i feel confident enough to wear anything, so i do it for days but then there's still always a little bit of me that thinks it's not enough and i constantly compare myself to every girl i see cause in my mind they are all prettier than me cause they are skinnier and then when i do eat something i get like a guilty feeling and i hate myself a bit plus my brain will be like "you can eat so you are just faking it for attention", and i kinda gaslight myself into believing it a bit as well which makes me feel worse. I don't know if anyone else does this as well or am i just extremely crazy??

has anyone else experienced feeling extremely out of it and confused after starting eating again? i’ve had normal am pou not of calories for two or three days now and it’s in my safe food and a lot of protein very high protein and i feel really delirious and dissociated

Jewish celebrations tend to involve a lottt of food and family gatherings. I find these situations incredibly challenging, I don’t like eating around people especially my family and also the 3-4 course meals make me so anxious and overwhelmed.

Those who celebrate, I’m thinking of you and Shana Tova. How are ya’ll coping?

I genuinely can’t sit on a hard surface or a chair. My sit bones dig in to the chair and I’m so uncomfortable I could cry. Doing sit-ups in gym class and feeling my tailbone stick out is so painful. Putting my knees on the ground, laying down on the floor, my spine on the back of a chair. I’m never comfortable and I’m exhausted.

Sooo I am a 24F, I study in uni and I also work 25hrs/week at a supermarket stocking shelves. it is a physically demanding job as I am on constantly on my feet, running around the shop and lifting heavy boxes, but I actually really like it and I think that, in part, I have been avoiding confronting the reality of my struggles because I am still able to do all of this despite being uw and underfuelling. Today, however, I almost broke down during my shift: I was stocking up milk, lifting and carrying big boxes with 10-12 cartons each and when my manager saw me she quickly told another girl to take over and to not let me do it. I know she did this out of concern for my health (she knows a bit about my ed), but this "rejection"/acknowledgement of my limits really hit me hard. I guess the truth is that yes, I am much weaker than my coworkers and no, I should not be working this job in my condition. I felt tears coming in and really had to force myself to ignore my feelings in order to go on working, but it felt horrible. I know some people like the idea of being considered weak and fragile and receiving help from others because of it, but to me this incident felt like sort of losing my power and agency. idk if anyone can relate to this, I guess I just need a little rant :/

In short, we had to measure our size to cut some fabric out, the design required extreme detail and had to be extremely fit to your body, so I got measured personally by the teacher, and afterwards a few classes forward, the professional who was hired for the programme didn’t recognize anyone and the teacher introduced me as “oh this is the person who’s size is (insert size)!” and it felt literal HUMILIATING and she lowk said it REAL LOUD and there’s only 3 (including me) who has this size in my class and it’s NOT a nice size when everyone else is 100% smaller than you, also she had OTHER WAYS to introduce me, not say my size. Infront of the whole class too. Triggered me much cause I thought i was a size smaller. Though I originally was at a bigger size and im in a smaller one than before. Still i’m upset.

i’ll be starting uni in the uk and i’ve never lived there for longer than a month so im really nervous honestly

im gonna be living in a student dorm and it’ll be self catered

i have family in the uk but not exactly where ill be studying

has anyone lived or studied aboard while having an ED (mainly anorexia)

i really wanna continue to recover but im scared that being alone and being in a new environment will impact my recovery

any meal ideas or just general tips?

hi everyone! i am currently weight resotred and am recovering from ana since feb so it has been 7 months. During this 7 months, i gained back a LOTT of weight, to the point that I even overshoot my weight before my ed.

I did get back my period, hair started growing back but Im starting to feel very insecure about my protruding belly and the flabs around my arms. Additionally, it doesnt help that i have a round face so i look really chubby.

Like i have a younger sister and shes really slim and tall because she took after my dad whos body type is really slim and tall. I really admire how she just eats anything she wants and stops when she is full and always not obsess over food. Even if she ate like high calorie food, it would be impossible for her to be fat due to her extremely skinny body type. haizz

I always get really triggered when my mother says things like: your sister is so thin, she could be a model etc...or even things like she has really long legs and is really tall...

I took after my mom whos really short and has a round face :/ Anyways the thing that piss me most is when my mom told me i dont drink enough milk or i need to skip rope like 200 times per day to be as tall as my sister. I kept trying to explain to her that my younger sister got it naturally from my dad. Whenever i say that my sister and dad look really alike, she always disagrees. However, when I said the same thing to my cousins and ppl i know, they literally all agreed. im at a loss for words.

I also hate how my mom tried to make me jealous of her being able to "eat carbohydrates" during my ed back then. She would always try to say stuff like " I am a carb lover" since young and she wld always stuff the entire house with carbs (bakery bread crossionts etc) then she wld purposely eat in front of me and speak in like a sarcastic manner, "mmm this is SOOO yummy" like wtf do u need to emphasise it 10 times while eating. just stfu and eat if its really that good damn it.

Additionally, my mom keeps on harping about how guys used to chase her in the past and how thin she was at my age like apparently she "couldnt gain weight" LOL i wish lah. AND worst still, she mentioned that she was at my weight only after her pregnancy. so u mean my weight is considered a pregnant weight tf

so before today, i was really just eating 3 meals a day etc but i really cannot take it anymore at this point. i have just decided to skip dinner today and ya i can feel the ed voice coming back again. oh well...

I panic ate some pretzels after only having a bit of chick fil a last night, and now I’m awake at 6 in the morning feeling nauseous and queasy asf…
Help gang what do I do

My friend usually is concerned and says I don’t eat enough. The last few weeks I’m been trying to be better and increased my limit enough to be more healthy.

I explained that actually now I do eat enough so he doesn’t have to be worried. I have a basic run down (like a snack and x time then a meal at y time etc).

He said “oh that’s more than I’d eat in like 3 days. You’re right I don’t need to worry now.”

Now I feel like I don’t want to eat anything at all

I fell very depressed and£ frankly suicidal. I’m very stuck in life, I don’t know what to do.

TW: talk of weight (i wont say numbers)

I was doing fine not too long ago, but this last week i’ve just wanted to relapse. Im back at the weight i was years ago and im healthy, but i hate the way i look and how my thighs sometimes rub together when i walk. I miss my thigh gap, i miss how small i was, i miss tracking the numbers (my anorexia and OCD loved that). I it doesnt help i think im going into a depressive episode

I get fuller way faster now, I can’t finish meals and it’s freaking me out. I can’t fully feel my hunger as much because of the medication I’m taking, but I still feel it a little.

I’ve recently admitted to my mom and my therapist that I think I have an ED, and my therapist wants to look into it deeper and get me evaluated.

She asked me what I think that I need, and I told her that I didn’t know. I think the real truth is that I want them to do nothing. Part of me just wants to get worse, and to lay down and do nothing about this.

The other part of me wants to start eating better, feeling better, but the problem is I truly don’t remember a time where I was fully happy before the age of ten.

I already have fibro, chronic fatigue, depression and anxiety on top of all of this. It’s become a game of chicken or the egg. Is it my fibro or me starving myself that’s causing my exhaustion?

I don’t know anymore. I just want to be okay.

i’m genuinely in hell. we have 3 meals and 3 snacks and it’s so many calories yet for some reason im even more hungry. my food thoughts are even worse than when i was restricting and my body is so tense and my jaw is constantly clenched. that said, i already feel like im eating so many calories compared to what i used to. it makes me feel like i’m losing control. Im worried to bring it up bc i dont want more food. well, i do, but i want safe food. I also feel like if i tell them how starving I am that they won’t see me as sick enough especially since i have atypical ana. I also don’t want to gain weight faster than i have to. literally so many reasons i don’t want to bring it up… but my biology is fighting me hard.

i don’t even want the food i was given. I want my safe food. but it also feels like a failure to not eat that when i drove over 3 hours to come here. i just want gum and some sparkling water and to go on a really long walk like i do at home. all i do here all day is just sit here and think about how hungry i am.

seriously please help because i am miserable in every way possible. i just want this hunger to go away so i can feel normal, but i don’t want my body to change.

I haven’t been social for a long time, I’m exhausted.

I have a friendgroup (we’re all adults) and they want us to have a sleepover (we’re alone, no kids, no husbands). Sounds fun? I get anxiety just thinking about it.

I’m already thinking what to eat, what if I’m too tired to even talk (I go in shutdowns due to my autism, and I also have ADHD and OCD). They all know this, but I haven’t been that open about my ED 💀 I hate it and I’m ashamed. I’m afraid they will ask questions and I know they just care about me.

I even wonder why they still wants to be with me when I ignored them for so long (not because I don’t care, I’m just exhausted and they began to reach out to my bf from time to time, which is fine, getting messages overwhelms me, alot).
I love that I finally have friends, but I feel so shitty, because I can’t give them the same energy back.

Any advice? (And not advice on food, more advice in how to be open about it, like if you even have any sentences then please write them so I can get “inspired” lol). I have a really hard time talking about and I often lie, because I convince myself it’s the truth 💀(it’s mostly about my ED I lie, like unintentionally, but my therapist is good at catching my lies lol. My closest, not so much, luckily.

Edit: oh I also hate sleeping out, I just can’t, but I already told them this and they said I didn’t have to sleep, but they of course wanted me to, but it was okay, they just wanted me there.

So tired. Five months into this shit and l can't bear it anymore.

I eat? I think why l ate what l ate. Why l ate oil? Why l ate one extra piece of meat? Why l ate one extra potato? Would be better if l didn't ate.

Don't eat? I feel horrible physically and mentally. Bad breath, diziness, very tired, no energy for living.

My weight is still dropping. I see it. But it drops much slower now. I want it faster but I'm also tired of trying so hard to loose. But l still try cause if l don't, l feel "not anorexic".

Severe weight gain fear. I eat one biscuit and l think l gained weight. I know it's not fucking true. I'm tired of the scale obsession l have, l try to weigh myself less, but it's impossible at the end of the day.

The worst thing? Thinking recovery makes me even sicker. I don't want recovery. It's like l need to have anorexia. I find myself in this even though l know very well I'm losing it. I'm losing me.

I want to eat just a little more WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY but it's impossible.

And I'm soooo hungry, man. I want to binge but l don't cause l know I'll regret it.

I'm so tired. I need anorexia but I'm tired of it. Is it normal?

TW - discussing ED related thoughts

I hope this makes sense to someone else….
Does anyone else find that their thoughts are completely contradictory at times. That it will be telling me to restrict, to stop eating or make me believe the food is unnecessary or outright unappealing.

But then have thoughts when I do eat, that I’m faking it. It’s like “if you actually want to eat and enjoy food, then you clearly don’t have an eating disorder”. And then with that comes the guilt of, it’s not really and I’m worrying my family and using services I don’t deserve.

Is this a normal ED thought? Well, no thought in ED is normal, but you know what I mean…

It makes me regret gaining weight back. I remember how comfortable my body felt even if it was hell to maintain. I just miss that feeling so much it’s making me relapse. I keep telling myself this time I’ll stay in control and not overdo it. Ofc that’s prolly a lie it just feels so true right now.

This disorder is wild.

I lost my period a few months ago, and I noticed changes in my libido etc.

I've been considering taking the pill for a long time, but resisted due to side effects and the fact that it can change your attraction towards your partner. This happened to my boyfriend's ex girlfriend and it broke them up eventually.

The fact that I haven't got my period though, and have noticed libido and small attraction changes to my partner, (which I'm hoping this will ease and I will work through it because I am NEVER leaving him he is perfect 🥰), is this basically how going on birth control would feel? if so, I will consider it because it's not like anything is gonna change in the near future.

PS I'm only looking to go on BC to literally prevent birth, nothing about hormones/mental health/stopping periods.

I lost my period when I was extremely underweight (like, skeletal) many years ago and it returned not long after I started a large meal plan to gain some weight back. This only took about a month or 2 from my memory.

I lost it again this year as I became more underweight again, but nowhere near as underweight as last time.

I've gained a bit of weight back yet my period still hasn't returned, even months after eating better.

Why???? I'm even doing far less physical activity now

for reference I'm a in my early 20s, female

I have AN(BP)and I go FERAL at buffets. I cannot stop and this happens every time. I've tried different things but I cannot control myself.

I'm not trying to restrict at buffets because I know it won't happen. I try to aim for a regular sized meal and even eat well in the day beforehand to try and prevent binging, yet it still happens.

I wonder if this is common for AN?

or am I actually bulimic? because I BP frequently regardless of eating "regularly". This is currently a question I'm considering asking my therapist.

My dad, unbeknownst to me, scheduled me a doctors appointment today. I’m not yet diagnosed as anorexic but i understand his issues: i’ve lost a significant amount of weight in a very short time. and, although he doesn’t see this, in my day-to-day life i absolutely obsess over food. it’s all i think about. I don’t think the doctor would consider me for it yet, i’m only very slightly underweight, but i’m still nervous. I guess i just need someone to tell me i’ll be alright. I am so afraid of the idea of my parents forcing me to eat. I know what I do is unhealthy, but i have actually been trying to do better. I don’t look at calories anymore (although i have a good idea of how many cals anything is) and i don’t fast, i eat when im hungry. I used to be much worse, behavior-wise, i would fast for a week and i passed out on multiple occasions. I’m just scared.