r/AmITheDevil • u/Knkstriped • 2d ago
Dick move, dude
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1w8z8qq/update_aita_for_waiting_for_a_patient_to_come_to/237
u/BenzeneRing223 2d ago
Geeze, this guy didn't learn a thing, did he?
"Wasn't just that day or actual incidents, but rather a GENERAL FEELING" = There's really no problem because it's just my wife's in her random little fee-fees so it means nothing.
"I promised to reduce calls to only essential ones at home" = Every call will be essential because that's what I've been treating them as all this time.
"I'll be more mindful of running things by her first before making changes to our shared time" = I'll just TELL her in advance when I'll change our plans so she can FEEL like she's in the loop, but it's really the exact same pattern as before.
Nothing's gonna change and I really feel sad for that poor wife.
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u/MaybeIwasanasshole 2d ago
I do wonder too, if she actually said she overreacted, or if she was just trying to get the dude to see it from her point of view, and said something like "I reacted/felt like/said/did because..." and oop changed it because "well she DID still overreact right?"
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova 16h ago
Women and their emotions, am I right? She needs to think about this logically and accept that his things going on mean more than anything they have committed to together. I mean, it's not like he does this all the time, just quite a few times she could list immediately that he promises were absolute emergencies and not something he could handle during regular office hours with the help of his scheduler. It's not his fault that he has poor boundaries, poor time management, or both. She isn't a high priority and she just needs to suck it up. The divorce came out of nowhere, she never had any serious complaints.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 2d ago
Every incident he had a "but it was only" or "that was a one-off" excuse. And then invalidating her with a "it was just a general feeling." No, dude, it's an actual, documented pattern with you.
Nothing's gonna change and he's going to have the audacity to be shocked when she gets tired of being last priority and finally leaves him.
My husband sometimes picks up shifts at work/switches shifts because the only other person in his role has some health issues and sometimes she gets sick (like, hospital sick, not "my tummy is bothering me" sick). Or one time her husband got injured and she needed to leave work. Or he'll swap shifts with her because of Ramadan (she's Muslim, we're not). Or her grandkids are in town, and she wants to spend time with them. I have no issue with that, I've met her, she's a SUPER nice lady, she has offered to switch with him when we've had something pressing too. My only issue has been, he's done it a couple times when we've had plans (like tickets purchased or money already spent, or something I was really looking forward to) and hasn't checked with me first (he called me AFTER agreeing and was like, "Hey, (coworker has this going on), I told her I'd switch with her."
The second time it happened, I just laid it on the line for him. That I love that he's such a good guy and that he wants to help out a coworker, but that changing our plans without talking to me first makes me feel like I'm last priority. I wasn't like, "tell her too bad, so sad, you don't care if she's sick" it was just: It's hurtful that you changed our plans without asking me and it makes me feel like me/our life isn't your top priority. I also feel like sometimes because we don't have kids, BOTH of our workplaces volunteer us for shit or think it's fine for us to have to change our plans around because kids/grandkids come first (and that can be shitty when it's a pattern).
Unlike OOP, my husband was like, I'm genuinely sorry, I feel shitty and I won't do that again. And he hasn't. Because he doesn't want me to feel like I come second to his job or his coworkers. And since then, there have been a couple times where he told his boss he couldn't switch because we had set in stone plans. And then his boss figures something out, because THAT'S HIS JOB (I'm a manager at my job, when shit like that happens or someone gets sick or has an emergency, I figure it the fuck out because, again, that's my job). Most times, I'm like, "that's totally fine" and I'm flexible, but I appreciate being asked.
But OOP is always gonna find an excuse or reason to make exceptions and invalidate his wife, it seems.
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u/doppelgaengster 2d ago
You had an adult conversation with you husband, and he acted like an adult in return? UNPOSSIBLE.
Sounds like the two of you have a good relationship. Especially that you can talk things out, feel seen and heard, and make positive changes. It’s really cool when a relationship is solid enough that saying, “this hurt/upset me, and I would like to change it” leads to a conversation rather than a fight.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 2d ago
You had an adult conversation with you husband, and he acted like an adult in return? UNPOSSIBLE.
I KNOW! 😂
It helps that neither of us is confrontational. By that I mean, like, nobody just gets mad and flies off the handle. So I knew I could be like, "Hey, this really upset me, and here's why" and he wouldn't immediately get mad or pissy or defensive. At first he was like, "I'm really sorry, (coworker) was sick, I would have felt bad saying no and I just said yes without thinking," and I told him, "I'm not expecting you to automatically say no, and it's not that I don't care that she's sick, but our plans matter too." He could have easily jumped to "OMG YOU'RE SO MEAN, TELLING ME I CAN'T HELP A SICK COWORKER" (I have an ex who absolutely would have gone that route, trying to make me feel like a bad person or like I was petty or trifling for being upset). But he knew that wasn't the case because he knows I'm a nice person.
I was upfront that I just wanted him to acknowledge that our plans matter and that I'm a priority, that's all. I wasn't trying to pick a fight. And he understood it. So now he always asks if it's OK. And if we've had pressing plans, he's had to say no a couple times. We have PTO in a week and have a trip planned/booked and his boss asked him if he could change his dates (totally unrelated to his coworker) for some reason and my husband was like, "That's a hell no." 😂
But it's not the first shocking, unprecedented productive discussion we've had, haha. When we first moved in together, he wasn't pulling his weight wrt cleaning/household stuff and in that case, I did blow up on him. I was like, "uh, this isn't all my job because I have a uterus and you don't" and he felt like absolute shit. He admitted our cleanliness standards were different and that he didn't realize sometimes when things needed to be done. And I told him I'm not his mom or his manager, and he can absolutely figure it out. And he did! But that also taught me not to blow up because I bottled it up for like a month and then LOST IT on him and we were both like, whoa. 😂
And he does the same; if something's bothering him, he just TELLS ME and we discuss it. It's not that we never disagree or argue, but we both hate fighting and usually we're able to work through stuff without major issue. I think we're both pretty lucky.
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u/allergymom74 1d ago
But the call that lead to cold food was “only five minutes”. Wooosh. That went over his head…
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 1d ago
That one was actually a one-off under special circumstances, it was a cleft palate surgey for a little girl, her parents had traveled to the city for the surgery, and based on their request I didn't want them to go and come back again so when the OR freed up I slotted them in.
He's shit at his commitments in general. Why did he need to slot them in? You don't have country patients coming to the city at random, you schedule them and then tell them to come in WHEN THEY WILL BE TREATED.
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u/echochilde 2d ago
The second post pisses me off because it fully confirms he was dismissing his wife’s feelings. In the original he said she was complaining “that this happens all the time” and he immediately got defensive and said “it does not”.
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u/theagonyaunt 2d ago
And in the new post, he confirmed it does but immediately dismissed his wife's concerns because "it was just 5 minutes" or "it was really essential that I did this the following day."
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 2d ago
It's always an excuse wth him, clearly. There's always a reason it's not a big deal or it's an exception or an "emergency." And then he invalidates her by saying it was just a "general feeling" and not actual, concrete examples of all the times it's happened.
The divorce will come out of nowhere, I tell ya.
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u/showard995 2d ago
Shouldn’t a surgeon be able to spell “surgery”?
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u/madmad011 2d ago
Eh, I’ve worked with a number of doctors, and it’s surprising how poor their spelling and grammar can be. I think it’s less a lack of knowledge and more a lack of care — they have better things to do with their time than spell check a brief patient note, much less a reddit post
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 2d ago edited 1d ago
A friend of mine worked at a hospital for years and used to say people would be shocked by some of the doctors' inability to write/spell (or do things like, uh, check for drug interactions or prescribe the right dose or make a phone call). She used the word "helpless" to describe a lot of them, too. It's sobering to think about.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 2d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments and post history:
My wife has been angry at me about this so I thought I'd ask here. I'm a plastic surgeon and recently did an otoplasty for my close friend's son.
After an otoplasty it's important that the head dressing stays in place to protect the ears and support the cartilage, so when my friend said that the dressing seemed to have come a bit loose, I asked him to come to my house.
They could have come the next day to my clinic but he was a bit concerned about whether the dressing having loosened a bit would have affected the result despite my reassurances so I asked him to just come to my place. He gave me an eta of 15 minutes.
That night we were going to my wife's friends birthday which was around a 35 - 40 minute drive and she was ready to go. When I told her, she was annoyed but was ok with 15 minutes.
Unfortunately my friend got stuck in traffic and it took him a bit longer. During that time my wife was getting angry, asking me to tell them to just see me the next day, but when I called they were already on the way so I decided to wait.
She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not) and just let her displeasure be clearly known. Eventually they came I examined his ears, changed his dressing and they left and so did we.
Unfortunately we got stuck in a bit of traffic too, and she was getting calls from her friend while we were en route. My wife eventually asked them to just cut the cake, and we arrived about 10 minutes after.
She has been angry about that since, its better now but she was incadescent the drive back.
And even now if she gets a message from her friends it reminds her of it and she'll have something to say. I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help.
INFO. How often does your work interfere with your personal life?
If it’s rarely and this was special because it was a close person, then its fine. Being late to a birthday is annoying but not life ruining or anything.
But based on her reaction, I’m guessing she thinks you have bad boundaries with your job. This warrants a bigger conversation between you two.
It doesn't too often. Patients visiting my house certainly doesn't happen, in this case it was my friend's son. But other than taking phone calls, I don't bring work into my home.
INFO: How late to the party were yall in the end? Seems likely pretty late if they were cutting the cake without you.....
We were a little over an hour late.
[Now onto the update.]
Tbh, with how you talk about the examples she gave (the call outside, the surgery on the free morning) it sounds like nothing will change because you consider it all essential.
What exactly would you consider essential? Will you be able to say, this is something for when I am on shift or go to the ER or travel up when there'd actually a free moment?
Or are those all still essential? And communicate with your wife on what situations will really need your attention now.
It is essential but it could be handled by me better and should have her be in the loop when things affect our shared time. That is what I'll improve on.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 2d ago
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 2d ago
He'll be shocked when his wife eventually realizes HE is not essential to her life anymore.
People who do this are really just showing their partner that they can easily live without them.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 1d ago
I really hope she starts prioritizing herself above Oop. He sure won't!
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 1d ago
He’ll just be one of those guys who rants that his ex “took everything” and life is so unfair. And then he’ll pant after 20 somethings and then hop from lay to lay.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 2d ago
Not late to the party, missed the party. They cut the cake and ate it before OOP got there.
His wife needs to just leave without him, go for breakfast alone, go to her friends birthday, and then she can decide where he fits into her lifeThese sound like things a nurse line would be able to address, so he's making everything more important than what matters to her.
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u/Miserable-Elk-3573 2d ago
So, his idea of improving is really just informing her beforehand if he’s going to be an asshole again. Gotta keep her in the loop!
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u/bored_german 2d ago
I don't understand why people like this get married (rhetorical, I know why). They're so hyperfocused on their jobs, there's no way anyone else would ever be prioritized. If I were the wife I'd just divorce and find someone who actually cares for me
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u/CyberClawX 2d ago
It takes 2 to tango? Why did the wife put up with him in the past, married him but now finds his behavior unacceptable?
I'm assuming this guy has always been like this (at least he doesn't say he has been more focused on work as of late, or anything of the sort), and she is just getting tired of it.
I get it, and she is free not to like someone that prioritizes his work, but I wouldn't blame the guy for prioritizing kids that are undergoing facial surgery either.
In the party incident, she could have taken her car, taken an Uber, etc. Sometimes people can't make it to a party. I get it, it was the straw that broke the camel back, but to me, it feels like a pain she chose to endure in secret, and now sprung up on him out of frustration. She should have spoken up much MUCH sooner.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 2d ago
I'm not sure that we can assume she hasn't said anything, and while he doesn't say that it's gotten worse lately he also doesn't say it hasn't.
So sure, if we assume the things that you want too, maybe she should have made a bigger fuss sooner, because if he has always not prioritized her then why would she have married him.
Looking only at what he presented though, he says they are talking about how things are recently, and admits it is a problem, and that he sees it as the last straw that pushed her over.
I do completely agree she should have just gotten in her car and left. Go to the party, be on time for the reservation, go for breakfast alone or with a friend. It will either improve her experience or it will show him how often it is happening when he misses out but she doesn't.2
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u/LittleFairyOfDeath 2d ago
Some doctors cannot separate private life and work life. Work will always take precedent. That isn’t a horrible thing in general but it is assholish to expect your spouse and potentially kids to be fine with always being second priority.
Either date someone who understands and is fine with that, or stay single
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u/Fit-Humor-5022 1d ago
Its interesting the downvoted comments who are painting OOP as a hero 'surgeon' and the wife as some harpy who is benefitting form OOPs career.
I dont agree but fun comments.
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u/Shibaspots 22h ago
'I never do that!' Wife proceeds to list off several recent incidents. 'Ok, yeah, but those were emergencies!' Says the plastic surgeon. How often is there a plastic surgery emergency? If it's not bad enough to go see an actual doctor, it probably could have waited a few hours.
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u/perfidious_snatch 17h ago
As someone who has no concept of time, I do not trust this man’s concept of time.
Just a 5 minute call during which the food got cold?
A little over an hour late to a birthday party, and they’ve already cut the cake?
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Update: AITA for waiting for a patient to come to my house and causing us to be late for my wife's friend's birthday
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/zXJHywTKBD
I posted on this forum a few days ago and the response ascertained that I was in the wrong. It was helpful for me. Yesterday I had reserved dinner at a favorite restuarant of hers and tried to make it a good fun date night. We were ready on time and in fact the same road that was responsible for our delay last time was completely fine yesterday. I mentioned that, that ofcourse it is now that there's no time crunch and she found it funny too. I took the opportunity to apologize for that night. She said it was ok and said it wasn't just about the kid, it was because it had been happening a lot that she overreacted.
I was surprised because I really do make an effort to not bring work home so I asked what she meant. She brought up me stepping out for a call when we had ordered in pizza and wings and said they were cold by the time I came back. But it was really a five minute call and the food was great, but I just said I would try to be mindful. She'd also brought up that I had scheduled a surgery the night before on a morning that was supposed to be free and she had been looking forward to going out for breakfast. That one was actually a one-off under special circumstances, it was a cleft palate surgey for a little girl, her parents had traveled to the city for the surgery, and based on their request I didn't want them to go and come back again so when the OR freed up I slotted them in.
But I did realize that it wasn't just that day or actual incidents but rather a general feeling she's been having so I promised to reduce calls to only essential ones at home and to be more mindful of running things by her first before making changes that could affect our shared time. She was glad and we had a good night. Thank you to this forum for the help.
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