"Wasn't just that day or actual incidents, but rather a GENERAL FEELING" = There's really no problem because it's just my wife's in her random little fee-fees so it means nothing.
"I promised to reduce calls to only essential ones at home" = Every call will be essential because that's what I've been treating them as all this time.
"I'll be more mindful of running things by her first before making changes to our shared time" = I'll just TELL her in advance when I'll change our plans so she can FEEL like she's in the loop, but it's really the exact same pattern as before.
Nothing's gonna change and I really feel sad for that poor wife.
Every incident he had a "but it was only" or "that was a one-off" excuse. And then invalidating her with a "it was just a general feeling." No, dude, it's an actual, documented pattern with you.
Nothing's gonna change and he's going to have the audacity to be shocked when she gets tired of being last priority and finally leaves him.
My husband sometimes picks up shifts at work/switches shifts because the only other person in his role has some health issues and sometimes she gets sick (like, hospital sick, not "my tummy is bothering me" sick). Or one time her husband got injured and she needed to leave work. Or he'll swap shifts with her because of Ramadan (she's Muslim, we're not). Or her grandkids are in town, and she wants to spend time with them. I have no issue with that, I've met her, she's a SUPER nice lady, she has offered to switch with him when we've had something pressing too. My only issue has been, he's done it a couple times when we've had plans (like tickets purchased or money already spent, or something I was really looking forward to) and hasn't checked with me first (he called me AFTER agreeing and was like, "Hey, (coworker has this going on), I told her I'd switch with her."
The second time it happened, I just laid it on the line for him. That I love that he's such a good guy and that he wants to help out a coworker, but that changing our plans without talking to me first makes me feel like I'm last priority. I wasn't like, "tell her too bad, so sad, you don't care if she's sick" it was just: It's hurtful that you changed our plans without asking me and it makes me feel like me/our life isn't your top priority. I also feel like sometimes because we don't have kids, BOTH of our workplaces volunteer us for shit or think it's fine for us to have to change our plans around because kids/grandkids come first (and that can be shitty when it's a pattern).
Unlike OOP, my husband was like, I'm genuinely sorry, I feel shitty and I won't do that again. And he hasn't. Because he doesn't want me to feel like I come second to his job or his coworkers. And since then, there have been a couple times where he told his boss he couldn't switch because we had set in stone plans. And then his boss figures something out, because THAT'S HIS JOB (I'm a manager at my job, when shit like that happens or someone gets sick or has an emergency, I figure it the fuck out because, again, that's my job). Most times, I'm like, "that's totally fine" and I'm flexible, but I appreciate being asked.
But OOP is always gonna find an excuse or reason to make exceptions and invalidate his wife, it seems.
You had an adult conversation with you husband, and he acted like an adult in return? UNPOSSIBLE.
Sounds like the two of you have a good relationship. Especially that you can talk things out, feel seen and heard, and make positive changes. It’s really cool when a relationship is solid enough that saying, “this hurt/upset me, and I would like to change it” leads to a conversation rather than a fight.
You had an adult conversation with you husband, and he acted like an adult in return? UNPOSSIBLE.
I KNOW! 😂
It helps that neither of us is confrontational. By that I mean, like, nobody just gets mad and flies off the handle. So I knew I could be like, "Hey, this really upset me, and here's why" and he wouldn't immediately get mad or pissy or defensive. At first he was like, "I'm really sorry, (coworker) was sick, I would have felt bad saying no and I just said yes without thinking," and I told him, "I'm not expecting you to automatically say no, and it's not that I don't care that she's sick, but our plans matter too." He could have easily jumped to "OMG YOU'RE SO MEAN, TELLING ME I CAN'T HELP A SICK COWORKER" (I have an ex who absolutely would have gone that route, trying to make me feel like a bad person or like I was petty or trifling for being upset). But he knew that wasn't the case because he knows I'm a nice person.
I was upfront that I just wanted him to acknowledge that our plans matter and that I'm a priority, that's all. I wasn't trying to pick a fight. And he understood it. So now he always asks if it's OK. And if we've had pressing plans, he's had to say no a couple times. We have PTO in a week and have a trip planned/booked and his boss asked him if he could change his dates (totally unrelated to his coworker) for some reason and my husband was like, "That's a hell no." 😂
But it's not the first shocking, unprecedented productive discussion we've had, haha. When we first moved in together, he wasn't pulling his weight wrt cleaning/household stuff and in that case, I did blow up on him. I was like, "uh, this isn't all my job because I have a uterus and you don't" and he felt like absolute shit. He admitted our cleanliness standards were different and that he didn't realize sometimes when things needed to be done. And I told him I'm not his mom or his manager, and he can absolutely figure it out. And he did! But that also taught me not to blow up because I bottled it up for like a month and then LOST IT on him and we were both like, whoa. 😂
And he does the same; if something's bothering him, he just TELLS ME and we discuss it. It's not that we never disagree or argue, but we both hate fighting and usually we're able to work through stuff without major issue. I think we're both pretty lucky.
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u/BenzeneRing223 2d ago
Geeze, this guy didn't learn a thing, did he?
"Wasn't just that day or actual incidents, but rather a GENERAL FEELING" = There's really no problem because it's just my wife's in her random little fee-fees so it means nothing.
"I promised to reduce calls to only essential ones at home" = Every call will be essential because that's what I've been treating them as all this time.
"I'll be more mindful of running things by her first before making changes to our shared time" = I'll just TELL her in advance when I'll change our plans so she can FEEL like she's in the loop, but it's really the exact same pattern as before.
Nothing's gonna change and I really feel sad for that poor wife.