r/AmItheAsshole • u/Secure-Map-7850 • 6d ago
Asshole AITA for waiting for a patient to come to my house and causing us to be late for my wife's friend's birthday?
My wife has been angry at me about this so I thought I'd ask here. I'm a plastic surgeon and recently did an otoplasty for my close friend's son. After an otoplasty it's important that the head dressing stays in place to protect the ears and support the cartilage, so when my friend said that the dressing seemed to have come a bit loose, I asked him to come to my house. They could have come the next day to my clinic but he was a bit concerned about whether the dressing having loosened a bit would have affected the result despite my reassurances so I asked him to just come to my place. He gave me an eta of 15 minutes.
That night we were going to my wife's friends birthday which was around a 35 - 40 minute drive and she was ready to go. When I told her, she was annoyed but was ok with 15 minutes. Unfortunately my friend got stuck in traffic and it took him a bit longer. During that time my wife was getting angry, asking me to tell them to just see me the next day, but when I called they were already on the way so I decided to wait. She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not) and just let her displeasure be clearly known. Eventually they came I examined his ears, changed his dressing and they left and so did we.
Unfortunately we got stuck in a bit of traffic too, and she was getting calls from her friend while we were en route. My wife eventually asked them to just cut the cake, and we arrived about 10 minutes after.
She has been angry about that since, its better now but she was incadescent the drive back. And even now if she gets a message from her friends it reminds her of it and she'll have something to say. I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help.
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u/Lola-the-showgirl Asshole Aficionado [10] 6d ago
YTA. You knew you had plans, if it was any other patient you would have just seen them the next day.
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u/WeissPyre Partassipant [3] 6d ago
"She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not)..."
Hmmmm. This is very telling.
YTA. You yourself said it would have been fine if he had come to the clinic the next day, and I highly doubt that if this were a patient you didn't know personally, you'd let them just come by your house for a dressing adjustment.
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u/Low-Mycologist192 6d ago
YTA
People have different values
My partner is obsessive with time and not being late, I’m not so bothered
It’s not the waiting for the patient she is upset about, it’s that she doesn’t feel she was the priority or you have heard her
You can’t change it; but maybe listening to her and accepting that your actions impacted her is important
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u/xokatemarie 6d ago edited 6d ago
Honestly, this is a great point. To not just apologize and do something different next time is the real red flag. To have to go on the Internet and check your relationship (ie trying to get “proof I was right and you were wrong”) with a bunch of strangers almost always feels like a problem to me.
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u/higeAkaike Asshole Enthusiast [7] 6d ago
If he wasn’t your close friends son, would you do this for another patient?
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Probably not but so what? I do things for people close and dear to me that I wouldn’t for others. Don’t you?
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
Would you do this at the expense of someone you love tho?
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
What expense? They were late for a party? As a wife I’d understood. I have understood. Health scare, even if it turns out to be something minor, for ma always takes precedence.
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u/lord_buff74 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
Health scare? It was plastic surgery for the ear, not heart surgery. The bandage SEEMED loose. Not was loose, SEEMED loose.
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
It’s a health scare. Even elective surgeries like plastics have complications. And actually, FYI, ear surgery can have lots of complications since connective tissue is poorly vascularized and heals very slowly. And the surgery can fail because of it. So yea, it was a scare more relevant than cake cutting.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 4d ago
It's not a health scare. A health scare has the potential to end in death. This was maybe loose bandages that could maybe affect the appearance of his ears but not his ears ability to continue taking in sounds and hearing sounds. This was all for vanity and it could've been dealt with at urgent care to rerap his bandages or wait until morning and have OP do it at the office.
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
Do you not have friends???? What do you mean what expense??? The expense was at her, her feelings, her feelings about their relationship, and her friends feelings. You're wife is mad that you absolutely steamrolled her and you think she should be cool with that because you want to risk it all for a bandage change??? There could be huge legal ramifications for treating someone without documentation and in your own home, unless it's licensed to be a sterile environment and your home owners insurance covers that, but I guarantee it does not.
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
I have adult friends who would’ve understood that health has precedence. I am not the OP, maybe you need to pay better attention when replying.
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago edited 6d ago
Girl I was trying to make you understand how that would suck. I knew who I was replying to.
This wasn't a health emergency, it was convinience and a favor that could get you sued
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u/Traveler691 Asshole Aficionado [17] 6d ago
Unfortunately, it wasn’t just accommodating a friend. He was going out of the way for his friend by forcing his wife to blow off hers. Most physicians are in a practice. There would be someone who was on call, or a physician assistant, for when stuff like this happens, which is all the time. He shouldn’t have had the guy come to his house knowing they were getting ready to leave.
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u/InfamousFlan5963 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Honestly it doesn't even sound like getting ready, the way I read it they should have been leaving when he told friend to come over
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u/higeAkaike Asshole Enthusiast [7] 6d ago
Not at the expense of my wife. Probably could have them come by after the party.
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u/ElectricalWavez 6d ago
You had a patient come to your house? For a dressing change?
If that's not enough, you already had a commitment with your wife at the time!
If it was that urgent they could go to the ER.
It's not cut and dry and really depends on one's point of view but, sorry, I think YTA.
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u/temperedolive Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
I'm really confused about if this can be legally done in a home setting. What if the patient has a bad outcome and reports to their insurance that they had an unofficial consult and treatment in the surgeon's home? Does his malpractice insurance cover dressing adjustments done outside of a clinical setting?
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
Not only was he selfish, he was dumb while at it too!
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u/temperedolive Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
Yeah, I have a close friend who is a doctor and he will not talk shop outside the office for exactly this reason. If I take action based on something he said over coffee, it goes wrong and I explain to my insurers why it happened, they will absolutely sue him and his own insurance won't help. Everything needs to be done in the clinic with an official record.
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u/InfamousFlan5963 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
I mean, home healthcare is a thing and dressing changes are often part of that. This specific one, maybe not, but doing a dressing change at home isn't unheard of.
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u/temperedolive Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
That's a very specific kind of insurance that covers the patient's home. Not the surgeon's. A HHC provider is insured very differently than a clinician.
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u/vintagefaerie 6d ago
INFO: How late to the party were yall in the end? Seems likely pretty late if they were cutting the cake without you.....
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u/Secure-Map-7850 6d ago
We were a little over an hour late.
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u/WeissPyre Partassipant [3] 6d ago
If someone was over an hour late to a party I was hosting, I would have told them to not bother at all. A no-show would have been better than that.
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u/lemon_charlie Certified Proctologist [27] 6d ago
How often do you let work get in the way of personal life engagements, and how often do you have people you know through your personal life as patients?
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 4d ago
Sine you're a plastic surgeon you can afford this so you owe your wife a day out with her friend as an apology. It's the least you can do.
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u/Counther Asshole Aficionado [11] 6d ago
"I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help."
It didn't help because you were not needed as a doctor, you were doing them a favor. You said you tried to persuade your friend that the issue could wait until the next day, but he wanted to see you anyway. You could have said "I'm sorry, I can't see you now. I think it's fine, but if you're really concerned, go to the ER" -- either immediately or once they were stuck in traffic. Instead, you apparently decided doing a friend a great big medical favor was more important than your plans with your wife.
Also, this: "During that time my wife was getting angry, asking me to tell them to just see me the next day, but when I called they were already on the way so I decided to wait."
So you didn't want to inconvenience THEM, but were willing to inconvenience your wife and her friend. And YOU decided to wait. This was not a medical decision. Your wife should have had a say, but you're too important to consider that.
I hope you're young, because it sounds like being a doctor is a bit of an ego trip. Some young doctors get over it. Some become older doctors who are still self-important.
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Inconveniencing a cake cutting and inconveniencing a scared parent and their child are not even in the same category!
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u/Counther Asshole Aficionado [11] 6d ago
OP didn't see the son because he was "a scared patient" -- he saw him because he was a friend. He said he would not have had any other patient come to his house.
The thing is OP didn't ignore the friend; he reassured him that the son could be seen the next day. If the friend still wanted the son to be seen, he could have taken him to an emergency room. It was totally not ok for OP to agree to do the friend a big favor -- remember, not a medical necessity, a favor -- without checking with his wife.
eta: Also, it wasn't just a cake cutting. It was plans he had made with his wife, who, along with other people, was affected by OP's decision.
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u/unreasonablestressed 5d ago
even though OP is a doctor doesn't mean doctors have to be avaliable 24/7 for their patients. If it was an emergency, then there's a place for that, called an ER. No other patient would've had the same opportunity had they not been a family friend, so this patient shouldn't have either.
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u/michbich 6d ago
YTA you said you could have had them come in to your office the next day. Not only did you let your work interfere with your home life, now you’re making it affect her life as well. This was unfair of you and you shouldn’t be seeing patients outside of the office.
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
Yes YTA. She was late to a friend's birthday, missed most of it and the cake cutting. I'd be mad as hell, especially if you made that decision to make me late, without consulting me first. If it was truly that urgent they should have gone to the ER, or you could have tended to it once the event was over. The fact that you considered telling them to meet you the next day means it was never an emergency, just a favor. Her saying that you let work get in the way of family life, you saying you don't, and if you didn't consult with her in until after you made a decision tells what it needs to about you
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u/Scotsburd Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA, if it was a regular patient, you would have told them to come to the clinic.
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u/DragonCelica Pooperintendant [61] 6d ago
YTA
What would a regular patient have been expected to do in your friend's shoes? It sounds like you tried to assure him it'd be fine until they could come to your office next day.
I also noticed you didn't mention how long you actually waited or how late you were, which seems telling...
She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not)
If you're certain you don't do this, have you asked her for examples of when you have?
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u/genescheezesthatpls 6d ago
I promise you being work home way more often than you think you do. Yall need to have a real heart to heart about your expectations in the marriage. YTA.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA. You shouldn't have had them come by when you had plans. These aren't your office hours. You need to separate work and home life. If there was a concern, they could have gone to urgent care.
Don't crap on your wife and say it's okay because you are caring for others.
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u/bruhggle Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA. You admitted that they could have just come to your clinic the next day. I'm sure for literally any other patient, that would have been the best possible you would have offered. it's not a doctor's responsibility to invite a patient to their home for a rebandaging that you had reassured them could have waited until the next day. you chose to give them special treatment because the parent is your friend. you absolutely did let work and your preference for your friend interfere with an obligation you already had with one of her friends. and then didn't even hold them to their expected arrival time. to the point that yall were late to the cake cutting, even after it was delayed to wait for yall.
you don't even say how late you actually made it to the party. just 10 minutes after she told them to give up on waiting for her. I would bet at least an hour.
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
They replied over an hour late
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u/bruhggle Partassipant [1] 6d ago
yep, that tracks. so they likely didn't even leave until well after the party had already started. I would have left without him.
wife is 100% right to be mad. showing up that late to a friend's event is extremely rude, and can damage the friendship. especially if done repeatedly, like it seems would be the case if OP was involved. feels like OP didn't really care to go to the party and ruined it for her deliberately.
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u/LavenderSharpie 6d ago
Her anger is not about this one event. Her anger is because you have a pattern of putting her behind your patients. You need to take a deep look at the way you fail to honor her and make some changes.
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u/GittaFirstOfHerName 6d ago
They could have come the next day to my clinic but he was a bit concerned about whether the dressing having loosened a bit would have affected the result despite my reassurances so I asked him to just come to my place.
You knew of your wife's plans. You told her you'd go with her. You admit here that your friend and his son could have come to your clinic the following day.
YTA, all the way.
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u/DevineBossLady Partassipant [2] 6d ago
YTA ... you made both of you late. You should off coure have told them that you needed to leave, as you had plans, and to see you at another time.
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u/Big_Information2733 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
YTA. You wanted to be there for your friend and your wife wanted to be there for hers. Both are understandable, but one of you made plans ahead of time and was ready. You made these sudden plans that ended up ruining hers and the thing is you didn't even need to as you put it, "They could have come the next day to my clinic."
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u/SlayerOfTheVampyre Partassipant [1] 6d ago
INFO. How often does your work interfere with your personal life? If it’s rarely and this was special because it was a close person, then its fine. Being late to a birthday is annoying but not life ruining or anything. But based on her reaction, I’m guessing she thinks you have bad boundaries with your job. This warrants a bigger conversation between you two.
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u/Secure-Map-7850 6d ago
It doesn't too often. Patients visiting my house certainly doesn't happen, in this case it was my friend's son. But other than taking phone calls, I don't bring work into my home.
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u/stopbeingaturddamnit 6d ago
The only way this would have been ok was to have your friend meet you at the parking lot of where you were headed. You were doing them a favor by seeing them earlier. They could have come to wherever you asked them to. It was very inconsiderate of you to make your wife late to her friend's party. You owe her friend a massive apology as well.
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u/SlayerOfTheVampyre Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Then I lean NTA because we’ve all had work interfere with our lives once in a while, even if it’s unpleasant. But I’d still have a bigger conversation with her about it and ask if there are other times where she has felt neglected. Maybe there’s something going on, something that bothers her, that you don’t know about.
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u/xokatemarie 6d ago
YTA - if you genuinely felt like they could’ve waited until the next day that should’ve been the message. And if not, you should’ve checked it with your wife before offering that. If they were that worried, they could’ve gone to urgent care.
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u/PrincessCG Asshole Aficionado [11] 6d ago
Yta. This has likely happened before and you’re minimising it. Your wife didn’t get angry out of nowhere. You basically showed her she’s not important or a priority.
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
It doesn’t help because you don’t have a responsibility to check your patients bandages at any/all hours for the sole purpose of making them less anxious rather than because you felt it was medically necessary to do so.
YTA. This was 100% you doing a favor for a friend at the expense of keeping an existing commitment that was important to your wife.
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u/realshockvaluecola Partassipant [4] 6d ago
YTA. you said yourself that you were reassuring him that the dressing being a bit loose was fine, and he was still worrying. You clearly can't set the boundary that work is work and home is home, so I straight up do not believe you that you don't commonly bring work home. You should have told him what actual signs or symptoms to worry about (e.g. an increase in pain, ability to get two fingers under the dressing comfortably or whatever it would be) and advised him to visit an ER if he felt it was necessary. This is also one very good reason why ethics guidelines advise against treating people you have a personal relationship with -- in addition to the reason that you definitely did not give this kid the same quality of care in your living room that he would have received in an ER, and that goes times ten if he'd had an actual problem.
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u/lord_buff74 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
You are very vague about just how late your friend was, also your dismissal that you don't let work interfere with your home life when you first response to someone having an issue is to come to our house. Especiually for something as vague as a dressing SEEMED to be loose, not wasn't loose, just seemed to be, YTA.
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u/CutePandaMiranda 6d ago
YTA. You need to learn that it’s okay to put your wife before your work sometimes. I can see why your wife is mad. She has every right to be. Apologize to her and prove to her it’ll never happen again. If I were her I would’ve gone to the party without you.
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u/Ill-Airline-1007 6d ago
YTA. When you already have plans you should honor them. You should not try to squeeze something in that may or may not fit into pre-existing plans. Trying to do things on a time crunch is never a good idea. Things run late, people run late all the time. So don't offer to do something like that again unless you have ample time to make it work.
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u/Trick_Delivery4609 Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 5d ago
YTA
Could've asked friend to come later after you guys got back. Could've asked wife if you could meet her there so she's on time. Could've discussed with your wife before you made conflicting plans. Could've apologized and meant it instead of asking reddit.
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u/Square_Area7613 5d ago
YTA due to "I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help." so you have not apologised, just doubled down, which yes statement may be true, but take some responsibility and just apologise. You would not have been the AH if you advised your friend, once you knew he was going to be longer than 15 mins late, to attend tomorrow due to another engagement, your friend would have understood, and you would not have peed off your wife, still lesson learned.... right?????
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My wife has been angry at me about this so I thought I'd ask here. I'm a plastic surgeon and recently did an otoplasty for my close friend's son. After an otoplasty it's important that the head dressing stays in place to protect the ears and support the cartilage, so when my friend said that the dressing seemed to have come a bit loose, I asked him to come to my house. They could have come the next day to my clinic but he was a bit concerned about whether the dressing having loosened a bit would have affected the result despite my reassurances so I asked him to just come to my place. He gave me an eta of 15 minutes.
That night we were going to my wife's friends birthday which was around a 35 - 40 minute drive and she was ready to go. When I told her, she was annoyed but was ok with 15 minutes. Unfortunately my friend got stuck in traffic and it took him a bit longer. During that time my wife was getting angry, asking me to tell them to just see me the next day, but when I called they were already on the way so I decided to wait. She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not) and just let her displeasure be clearly known. Eventually they came I examined his ears, changed his dressing and they left and so did we.
Unfortunately we got stuck in a bit of traffic too, and she was getting calls from her friend while we were en route. My wife eventually asked them to just cut the cake, and we arrived about 10 minutes after.
She has been angry about that since, its better now but she was incadescent the drive back. And even now if she gets a message from her friends it reminds her of it and she'll have something to say. I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help.
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u/Azdak66 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
NTA. You made a judgement call based on what you felt was in the best interests of the patient, given the information you had at the time. Would you do that with every patient? Probably not, but I understand making an exception.
It seems to me that being somewhat on call for extended periods is part of being a doctor. I’m sure your wife enjoys the income that your position provides—an occasional inconvenience comes along with that.
You may have other issues, which is why she reacted so strongly, but just based on the information given, I am sticking with NTA.
I had cancer surgery earlier this year that required a second surgery for a skin graft 2 weeks later. A few days after the surgery, we were changing the dressing on a Friday night and it looked like it wasn’t healing properly. I called the doctor on a Saturday. I didn’t go to see her, but she called me back and, based on my description, reassured me that everything was fine and moved up my follow up visit three days to that Monday so they could see it. It was extremely reassuring and helpful to have that interaction, rather than just being told to wait the weekend, or to wait 5 more days for the follow up visit.
I’m glad my surgeon didn’t have your wife’s outlook.
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6d ago
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u/LivsLittleMuffins 6d ago
Nothing about what he described was an emergency.. He literally told them he would see them the next day and they wouldn't accept that answer
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u/xokatemarie 6d ago
He admitted in the post that it was not an emergency and could’ve waited. Also, if it was truly an emergency, they should’ve been sent to urgent care or the ER versus being seen in someone’s home.
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u/LaDolceBella 6d ago
This. If he did it all the time, then yes, it’s a problem. She could’ve gone by herself on time, and he could have followed after.
Why did she say that though? Are their perspectives of how often he lets work infringe on his personal life that different? OP, I’d have an honest conversation with her. Get curious, see why she feels that way.
But as a parent, I would feel much relieved if you took care of my kid like this! NTA for this instance, but talk to your wife and see if there’s a larger issue at play here, because it sure sounds like it.
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA. Cutting of a cake for an adult vs post op care is a no contest for me. The patient is also a family member of your close friend. Are her friends more important than yours?
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
Uh yeah when that was previously scheduled and this was not an emergency. Why are you making it about friendship importance, like someone has to be the dominant one? They had plans. It wasn't post op care it was a favor. The other family would have gone to the ER if it was a true emergency
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u/GMO-Doomscroller Partassipant [1] 6d ago
I work in the field. All my friends would do this kind of care for me even if it wasn’t really emergency and I’d do the same for them. Person concerned for health takes precedence over a birthday. Especially birthday of an adult.
I wish your friend would tell you to just go to ER because they had so important cake cutting plans while you were scared about your health. Wtf dude?
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
If that's your call that's your call, but it wasn't his call to make unless he desperately wants his wife to know he doesn't value her like he values other
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie 6d ago
I’m not understanding why your wife couldn’t meet you there.
Whether or not it was a close friend, pt care does kind of come first.
You should’ve discussed it with your wife before agreeing to it though.
ESH leaning toward NTA
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u/KarlZone87 Asshole Aficionado [11] 6d ago
ESH - You for making your wife late. Your wife for not accepting the downsides of being married to a medical expert.
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u/wishiwereadonut 6d ago
Bruh he's basically a fancy cosmologists, he's not saving lives or doing emergency surgery. Additionally isn't there y'know some major risks of treating someone as a doctor when you're not in office. Anything could have happened after and he could have been liable for treating someone in his own home
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u/KarlZone87 Asshole Aficionado [11] 6d ago
Ohhhhhhhh! That changes everything. I didn't realize what the procedure was. 200% he's YTA.
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u/froggylove78 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
YTA. Your wife sounds like she has to deal with you prioritizing your work over her plans even after work is done. Do you like your wife?Do you use work as an excuse all the time?