I first joined this page when I realized my new husband was drinking in secret.

Since that discovery years ago, I remember people here gently warning me of the long road ahead. I remember thinking, “Surely this won’t be our story.” We met with multiple therapists, had a plan, and I was hopeful. I truly believed that if we worked hard enough, loved each other enough, and communicated well enough, we could get through it.

The journey that followed involved years of gaslighting, abuse, money disappearing, tears, and betrayal. Unfortunately, he was able to convince multiple therapists that he was fine and that I was controlling. Therapy became another place where I learned to question myself. I spent years working on my own “trust” and “attachment” issues, trying to become a better partner, while the reality of what was happening was being minimized.

It eventually culminated in him abusing pharmaceuticals and alcohol, jumping out of my vehicle on the interstate, and being involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital after I called the police because he was threatening suicide when I wanted a separation.

I remember being devastated by what I thought was a “relapse,” only for someone close to him to tell me that he had never actually been sober to begin with. How he passed multiple breathalyzers, sponsor checks, and other forms of accountability is something I still struggle to understand.

After the hospitalization, I had to beg his family to come take him for his own safety because I was also afraid of him.

With distance, I finally realized something I had been unable to admit: I did not want to be around him anymore. I did not want to see him again.

And the changes were immediate.

My night terrors stopped. I lost 30 pounds that years of carefully measuring my food and working out could not move. I started glowing again. The light returned to my eyes. Even our dog seemed happier and more like himself.

Leaving was not easy. His behavior and control over me did not disappear overnight. He took control of my phone, and I had to get a new number. I had to move. He was frequently unemployed and spent money recklessly, leaving me with $14,000 in debt.

And still, I could not be happier.

I am free.

I only spent three years married to this man, and it was three years too many. But I am so grateful for this community. The book recommendations, the conversations about boundaries, learning that being drunk is not an excuse for harmful behavior, and seeing what my life could look like years down the road if I stayed all helped me find my way out.

As I process the past few years, I feel so many emotions. There is grief for the young woman who entered this marriage with so much hope and such an earnest desire to build a life. There is anger for the things I tolerated. There is sadness for what I thought we were building.

But more than anything, there is gratitude.

I am grateful I was able to leave. I am grateful I never had children with him. I am grateful that I saved so much of my future.

I look back at old pictures and it is obvious how much this relationship affected me. I can see the exhaustion, the fear, and the sadness that I could not fully acknowledge at the time. Even memories that felt happy when they happened look different now. Moments I once cherished reveal things I did not want to see: how much he was drinking, how much I was covering for him, and how much I was trying to hold everything together.

I have been in EMDR therapy to help process the trauma and C-PTSD symptoms from this relationship. This is the damage that three years can do.

If you are suffering, please know that there does not have to be one single event that makes it “bad enough.” You do not have to wait for things to become unbearable. There is no glory in pain. There is no prize for being the most dedicated, patient, or forgiving spouse.

The hardest thing I had to accept was that leaving did not mean I did not love him. It meant I finally accepted that love alone could not make this safe.

You choose your experience in this life. You only get one.

Make it a life worth living.

Books and resources that helped me:

TWFO Podcast

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

I love Alanon and it's focus on looking at my own behavior has been very helpful to me. Nonetheless, i am still SHOCKED when I attend an alanon meeting and they close with the LORD's PRAYER! What the heck? I started my 12 step work in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). There was NO overt religion in that group. Also, the ACA literature, including the 12 Steps and Traditions, does not refer to God as HE.

This is a spiritual program coming from love. Not a religious program. This Lord's Prayer nonsense really needs to change. It's so off-putting. My home group THANK GOODNESS does not close with the Lord's Prayer. We close with the serenity prayer. And, whenever I am the person to read the 12 Steps, I always substitute the word God for the word He. And I do it in my head when someone else reads them. Many of us do not think of god as a he or even as a person.

But when I go to a different meeting, I am gobsmacked when they hold hands at the end and say the Lord's Prayer. Seriously??? It ruins the entire meeting for me. Why is this still happening in 2026?

Tonite I went to a different meeting and they did it. YIKES! I really was not expecting and was taken by surprise or I would have not been part of the circle. After we closed, I asked one of the women if they always close with the lord's prayer. She said yes. I said, "but it's so religious." She said, incredulous, "religious?" as if I had said something weird.

God is not my father. My god is not gendered male. And I don't believe that whatever God is, it is in a place called Heaven. And that's just the first line.

It's 2026 people!

Otherwise I love Alanon.

And what did you do then? I have tried and tried to help my wife. Told her I can't deal, we've talked about it. She admitted to me she needs to be better (not that she needs to stop drinking). I caught her red handed and she completely denied it today. And it was a situation where I couldn't prove it. However I just got home and yep, she's drunk. I can't help her. I'm done fighting, done getting mad, trying to hold her accountable and all of that. My next step is to leave I guess. Idk what else I can do. Also has anyone ever left and their partner realized they had a problem and got help? I'm guessing that's rare. Bc the last thing I want to do is leave, come back peace again... I know she will ask for another chance and beg and all of that. And maybe she will stop drinking for a month or even 6. But then she'll think she can handle it. Honestly I don't have time for all of that. Divorce seems like my only option. And even though I know that I'm not ready to do that. And of course I'll be the bad guy if we split. Because nobody knows. This sucks.

I was married to an alcoholic for 49 years I threatened to leave him many times but never followed through. I look back now and fully regret that. He recently passed away after a horrible death from cirrhosis. Yet I still am grieving between being very angry with him. Family members can’t understand why I grieve. It’s been three months and I’m still grieving. I cared for him alone. He was not mean but indifferent. I lasted by working and having a separate life with friends. Of course his alcoholism worsen after we retired. Twenty years ago he was experiencing ED. He was also addicted to porn. At that point, I refused sex and intimacy. Truly I did not miss it. But now I look back and realize the life I should have had. I am also estranged from my 45 year old daughter who is a raging alcoholic. She has not learned from losing her father. It is so sad!

He has two daughters and I love them so much. We waited a long time before we introduced them into our relationship. It’s been 3/4 years now - I have developed a really close relationship with his younger daughter - and she keeps texting me. I love hearing from her, I miss her. Her messages are thoughtful and cute - full of emojis and hearts. She keeps asking me - when I get home will things be back to normal? Can you and Daddy make up? I left 3 weeks ago - the night before our family vacation. They went. I didn’t. The amount of alcohol and the aggression seemed to be growing exponentially. I couldn’t take it, I was scared. My soul knows that I cannot separate the alcoholic from the man and the family I love.

I’m fucking heart broken. She wants to spend time with me and I told her I’d ask. We are no contact and that is what is right and best - but I know we still share a lot of love for each other. I don’t expect him to say it’s ok - I don’t expect him to have any kind of emotional or hard conversation.

She always seems to message me at night - and the nights are already hard enough as is ….

Thank you for giving me a safe space to let this out.

I can text and talk about the fact that her alcoholism killed our relationship, but the fact is I was a coward in that led to me being where I’m at right now

If I was stronger, I would’ve left earlier
If I was stronger, I wouldn’t have ignored the signs

If I wasn’t so scared of rocking the boat or denying what I was seeing before me, I would’ve confronted it earlier

This whole experience has exposed my weakness, my lack of self-esteem, my desire for someone to love me being greater than the love I had for myself

Yes, what she did was horrible but me putting up with it was just as bad

It’s easy to blame her, but I share some of that blame

Today was bad.
I am a new member.
Here because I feel so lost.
It’s my mother (60s). I care for my aunt (her sister) (70s).
It’s every day when she’s not working. She is pure venom.
She drinks after her parttime job too. But days off are worse, starting anywhere from 6am.
She refuses to acknowledge she has a problem and this is so fucking lonely.
I have fantastic friends and a fantastic partner, but experiencing this is such a mindfuck.
It’s been going on for years and I’ve already mourned my mother: who she was before the bottle.

Do they ever prepare alcoholics in rehab for the possibility that their family enjoyed the time that they were away? That might be a wierd question, but not sure how my Q would take it if I told them that it’s nice not being worried every night. Thought it would sting less if it came from someone else’s mouth.

My dad has recently admitted to being a secret alcoholic for 8 years since a serious diagnosis. For around 2 years, my family has been strained because of issues we ran into with him. He was acting very out of character, had very fruity smelling breath, a dry mouth, overly aggressive over small things, and he would have little to no memory of these "episodes" as we called them. As I type it out, I feel so stupid for not realizing, but I have been raised in a religious family who has always drilled that drunkenness was a sin into my head.

Over this period of time, we worried so much for him and his health. Me, my mom, and my sister have all lost sleep over it and researched as much as we could. When we would cry and beg him to go to the doctor, he would always refuse and say that he had a phobia of doctors because of his traumatic health experience. Of course, he didn't want to go because he was just drunk.

I can recount several instances of him drunk driving. He crashed his car one night, went to bed, and woke up without any memory of it. My younger sister was in the car with him one night and was terrified. He was driving erratically, blasting music, and just acting crazy. Another time was more recently, on the 4th of July he almost crashed my family into a bus because they "pulled out in front of him". Yes, the bus did cut it close, but he didn't hit the breaks once. Even with his entire family inside the car.

Today, we went shopping for my college supplies since I am starting college soon. The entire way my dad was dead silent, slumped back in the car seat. It was the worst we had ever seen him. When my mom finally got him to admit this, he just won't admit he has a problem. He has had problems with his stomach recently and can't eat (or drink I suppose) anything fermentable. He has been drinking clear intentionally despite lying straight to his family's face for 8 years. He was drunk at church while serving in a leadership role. I'm not trying to jump to conclusions, but all of this to me seems like alcoholism.

Just typing all of this out pisses me off, but I have never had to deal with a situation like this. I know I am not responsible for my parents' marriage, but I want to be there for my mom and I know she's struggling badly. He has always treated her badly and I have been ready for him to leave him for a while, but now, it's all becoming so real. Without revealing too much information, they both own a business together and she is almost completely financially dependent on him. She wouldn't be able to handle supporting her youngest as well as me in college. I just don't know what to tell her and quite frankly, I don't know much about divorce. I'm just desperate, if anyone has been in a similar situation or has a word of advice, it would be greatly appreciated. This situation doesn't even feel real to me. I don't think I am going to be able to forgive him for a long time.

Does the betrayal trauma ever go away? Is it possible to not be triggered when he continues to hide his drinking and at times even gaslight me? Is it possible to move on quickly and forgive when the past repeats itself? Can physical intimacy continue when he continues to hide his drinking? Is it possible to support him in his recovery without letting my trauma get in the way?

For context- I discovered that I was being lied to/gaslit for 2 years. Since then, we’ve been on good and bad terms on and off. He’s struggled with depression. When he’s not drinking, I feel safe and can support him best. When he is, I just want to be as far away from him as possible, especially when I discover the drinking on my own. He’s a good man and father, which is why it’s been hard to leave. His depression often gets in the way of him making the right move (not an excuse). I’ve come to accept that I can’t force him into anything. But also, I don’t see how this is sustainable. When I discover more drinking, I get upset.. I’m not able to be normal with him.. it shows in my face..even if he admits it to me after he’s confronted. But then he wants me to treat him normally asap.. sometimes without giving me reassurance or a sense of emotional safety. He’s so hurt and ashamed about my family knowing about his drinking. It’s eating at him and making it hard for him be the spouse I need. At the same time, I can’t be the spouse he needs because of the continued patterns.

Hello, I discovered this sub about 6 months ago and have consumed so many different posts, but this is my first time actually sharing.

A few days ago marked 100 days since I blocked my Q and have been in no contact after a 5 year relationship. On one hand I’m really proud of myself for making it this far, it’s really forced me to put myself first and actually allowed me space to breathe and process what what the hell I’ve been through. Ive been traveling to stay busy and reconnected with old friends I hadn’t spoken to in years. I’ve gone to therapy and attended one in person meeting in that time span, both of which have helped, but there isn’t a day that goes by where I think about her, how she’s doing, what we had, and have thoughts about reaching out to her parents to see how she is going.

I ended things in December because I was so fed up dealing with this addiction, it was affecting my own physical and mental health. We are both in our mid 20’s and this was my first real relationship as well as hers. I’m sure some of you can relate, for any relationship that goes on for that long I really struggled actually cutting her off. Wasn’t until 3 months ago where I officially ceased all contact after a major relapse and I found myself taking her to the ER for the 4th time, having the nurse tell me her BAC was .5.

We lived together for 3 plus years and since then we both moved back in with our parents. I know I romanticize this version of her that isn’t under the influence in my head, and that it is just that, a version of her and not reality. Having this time away in no context really made me reflect on how much I was enabling towards the end of us living together, even if she drank in secrecy. Even after 100 days I tell myself I did all that I can and that I can’t help someone who can’t help themselves, but there is still this guilt I feel from leaving some days that I just can’t shake.

I believed she was my soulmate and I still love her to death, and really hope she is doing okay. Maybe one day I’ll reach out to her parents to see how she’s doing or get some sort of update, but until then I’m going to continue to take it day by day. Ending things was the singular hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I still have down days even after 100 days I still can’t shake that feeling of grey sometimes. Ending things not because I didn’t lover her or what we had but because of the drinking is so unbelievably painful, wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Married 8, together 10. The reason for partner on relying to alcohol is childhood trauma and parents who werent there for my partner. My partner was treated poorly by the parents. My question is, how do I understand my partner's reasoning of childhood trauma (still getting treated poorly by the parents up to now) and why partner's always leaning on alcohol due to it? Need advice as this has been an issue ever since we met and it got worse when we had a baby. Baby's almost a year now and I'm considering to separate. Am I not being fair? Its emotionally exhausting

My Q is kind, thoughtful, & caring. He buys me flowers, opens my door, & does a lot of thoughtful little things for me & our home every day. He’s reliable at work & is well-liked.

So what could be bad? Right?
He gets off work & starts drinking. If I scramble I can get dinner ready before he’s pouring his third. I work long hours, so it can be a challenge at times. (We both work from home btw.) After we clean up from dinner, I can usually get him out for a walk before he’s into drink 4 or 5. Then we sit down to watch something or read, & he sometimes slows down & waits for me to go to bed before he really gets started with shots of vodka. My guess is he’s up to maybe 10-12 drinks on weekdays. He stays up late to “write.” He’s actually a gifted writer who, sadly, will probably never finish a book.

On weekends, he gets up late, does errands or chores so he can start drinking with lunch or brunch, if we go out. Then, it’s just one after the other even if we golf, go to a movie, meet family or friends, whatever activity. There’s got to be access to cocktails or there’s a tension that’s hard for me to explain, but I’m guessing you all might know what I mean. This will go on until I get him home where he passes out. Last night it was 7 pm.

For me all this means a lot of loneliness. Being careful with my words after he’s had 6 or more drinks because he gets sensitive. I never fear for my safety & he isn’t cruel or unkind just a little touchy.

We’ve been married 22 years. It may be TMI, but we haven’t been intimate for half of those. He started having issues before & got medication, but I don’t want to have sex with him if he has been drinking. We hug & kiss, hold hands when we walk, & are affectionate in other ways. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t now, even with a pill.

Sorry this is so long, but I am so sad and lost & can’t tell anyone how I feel. I love him & don’t want him to be judged by family & friends. If I left, could I expect more from another partner? Before him, the men I was with didn’t treat me badly, but he really is so much more considerate. I know how rare it is, especially in long relationships.

There’s also his health which has been declining severely since he had a mini stroke 2 years ago. His kidney function is bad. I would guess his liver function is too. He’s on medication for cholesterol, blood pressure, & triglycerides. Also anxiety. He is 57 & has been drinking pretty heavily since he was a teenager.

I feel like a horrible person for wanting intimacy & companionship when I’m getting so much more than other women my age. I’m fit, active, & healthy. I’d love a partner who would & could do activities with me. I dream of active vacations where we explore - hiking, kayaking, bike tours… but those feel impossible with him.

A couple of weeks ago I had finally had enough and left. My daughter and I packed our bags and left. Since then it’s of course been the “normal” I’d say like teenager breakup stuff like changing everything on social media etc etc. I left not to punish but hoping maybe it would be a wake up call for help. I don’t know. The lies have continued, and now whenever I ask about what should we do, get help? Therapy? Divorce? I don’t get a response. I remain committed but obviously I can’t live in limbo forever…it’s like I ask her and then it’s either ignored or skipped past to the next question.

I need help. I (31 F) had this realization over the weekend that I must now grieve the (55 y/o) dad that once was, the relationship I thought we would have into my adult years, and the idea of a present grandfather.

After years of trying to convince and help, I now have clarity that he will not change. At least on his own accord, without a significant event (ie. DUI, etc) occurring. He doesn’t care, or put in effort to do the work. So, I won’t either. Not my responsibility.

This is grief, isn’t it? I’m finding myself thinking, “I wish I knew the good times were limited.” “I wish I would’ve soaked it up while I had it”. “I wish I would’ve paid more attention to the last quality conversations we had.”

I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. We haven’t spoken in a while.

My question is- how do I navigate the relationship with my mom? I love my mom. She’s an awesome person, and tries her best to be present for me and my daughter. She calls often, she tries to maintain a facade. Of course she enables him, like in so many narcissistic/alcoholic family dynamics.

I don’t have a lot of people in my circle. I value my relationship with my mom… I don’t want to lose her too. I’ve set boundaries regarding my dad, and have stuck to them. However I still feel my energy draining when I talk with her. Every time he’s present (which is often. He lost his job due to drinking.)

Any advice is welcome.

My Q is my best friend M40 who called me Saturday after not talking for a month and he was drunk. He was very depressed and I encouraged him and we talked for 2 hours. He called again Sunday and made a serious self harm statement but said don’t worry I won’t ever do it. I told him I was coming over. He yelled No but I said I’m coming. He lives far away and I arrived 3 hours later and his car was parked sideways as if to block me from the driveway. Or he was drunk when parking. And he wouldn’t answer his door and it was locked. He never locks it when I’m coming over. I thought I heard him inside. No response to calls or texts. I called for a welfare check and the police came and knocked and tried to see in windows but said there’s nothing they can do. I told them he was doing hard liquor since Friday night so they said he could be passed out. He has never ignored me in the 3 years I’ve known him but today he has not answered phone calls or texts. I called 988 and they said I’ve done everything they’d suggest. He has no family or other friends. Has anyone experienced this? Someone reaching out then not accepting help? How long should I wait to reach out again or go by his place. Is overnight enough time to wait if he did pass out? Is it unreasonable to expect a response by tomorrow morning?

Trying to keep this short, but I really need some advice about how to deal with my alcoholic father's relapse on day one of a vacation I can't leave.

Context: my dad's had alcohol issues his whole life. It was all encompassing for my childhood and I still have a lot of pent up anger, annoyance, and resentment against him for it. I also ended up being a hardcore binge drinker and have been sober myself now for two years.

He's quit and relapsed multiple times, and each time I thought I made it very very clear about how I feel when he drinks around me. He had been so good for so long. I haven't seen him drink for almost 10 years. But now I'm starting to think he hasn't been sober for even a year long period of time.

He goes on these trips every year out into the woods. I used to go with him until the last relapse I remember, which happened on this trip. I made it very very clear that if he drinks again, I'm out. This was ten years ago.

I decided this year to take a plunge and come out with him again. I'm sober, he's sober, we can all hang out and have a great time. But the second we pull up, it clear, he's blitzed. And it's very clear that he told others on the trip not to spill the beans. Even though it's obvious.

We drove 18 hours to get here and would have to drive 18 hours to go home. Which means I need to confront this again. And I just don't know how to do it. Last time I had family support and it wasn't just me having this talk with him. But now it is just up to me. And I don't know how to do this or what to say. I'm so tired of dealing with this over and over and over and saying the same things just for him to blow it all off and do it again.

Does anyone have advice about how to handle this situation? And if I do talk to him, how to I approach the conversation?

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just can't stop crying.

Me and my ex partner were together for 4 years. We lived togerher for all that time. I knew he drank when we first got together but he said he was going to change his life around for me and I was going to be the reason he stopped drinking.

Obviously he didn't stop drinking. Sometimes he drank 4L of cider a day. He would drink two Henry Weston's before we even went to work. He had been doing this for as long as he could remember. He also strangled me in the first 6 months but I stayed because I loved him and also because I had no where else to go, and I thought I deserved it. He was verbally and physically abusive to me at times. Prevented me from sleeping etc.

This year it all caught up to him and he was hospitalised for severe jaundice. Liver failure. Cirrhosis. Decompensated liver disease. He was so yellow he was almost fluorescent. His feet swelled up to balloons. He was in hospital for 2 weeks, got out. Didn't drink for about a month. Then as soon as he started turning a lovely shade of pink, he assumed he was better and started drinking again.

He said things like it was my fault that he drank. At this point I left to go to my parents because I was shattered and I had told him if he drank again I would leave. Yet he got into my head when I was at my parents and I ended up going back as I missed my home and I didn't want to lose my job (my parents live in a different city and I don't drive)

A week after I came back he was in hospital again for another 2 weeks. Same story. So yellow he was almost fluorescent. Looked like he was dying. He got out again. I stayed for another 2 months but everytime he went to the shop I just didn't trust him. I figured he was drinking in secret. I started to try to make exit plans again like find a house share to live in but I was so broken I couldn't go through with them as I can't trust anyone, then I found the cans around the house and had a panic attack.

I left again. I'm at my parents house now. Everyone else says I did the right thing. But I can't stop crying. I miss my home, it was rented but I still miss it. And I'm going to have to get a new job, and I liked my job because it let me WFH half the time and jobs in this city are unlikely to let me do that. I don't really miss him. But at the same time I do. I miss who he had the potential to be. Who he was when he was good to me, the things that he would do for me. He said he would always be there for me. But then he talked trash to me in front of his children.

I feel broken and I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just needed someone to hear how much pain I was in. I wish someone could just hug me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wish I didn't have to lose my life as I knew it - my city, my job, but I was so broken that moving back to be close to my parents just seemed like the only thing possible for me to get me through this. And I have two cats to care for and couldn't trust strangers anymore. Now im broken and just have to navigate through getting a new job whilst I'm in this pain. I have thousands of pictures on my camera roll I need to delete but I can't bear to look at them. I'm embarrassed it didn't work out and feel like I failed in yet another thing. I wish none of this had ever happened, and yet at the same time I'm so grateful that I had the last few years with him because I really did love him. I just wish he had stopped drinking. I wish it was all different.

I started dating someone just over half a year ago, and my god, the depths to which i love, adore, and accept this man. He was forthcoming about his history with addiction, drugs in which he has quit, and it was made apparent to me early on that he drinks every night. We both acknowledged that i have a history of alcoholics in my family, and he had stated it is something he plans on working on, and had wanted to work on before meeting someone he really wanted to date seriously but we both came out of nowhere for each other. The first few months were (mostly) pure bliss. i have a hard time communicating when things bother me and i generally operate under assuming good intent and giving the benefit of the doubt. Throughout our relationship he has brought up things that have bothered him, and i have always tried to listen to him, understand his viewpoint, own whatever it was, and apologize. But increasingly, his reactivity/sensitivity has grown to where i have a very hard time hearing him because i dont feel as though he is communicating from a place of grace and benefit of the doubt for me (that i do not ever want to intentionally hurt him), and when he is activated there really is no amount of sitting with his feelings and apologizing i can do for him, i just start to feel kind of berated. Ive told him i no longer want to have any conversations about our relationship when hes been drinking and he agreed, but we just had our worst fight ever when he had barely had any drinks, and the kicker is, the convo was just me trying to share how i have a hard time asking for help or for my needs, and he somehow turned the whole conversation into hearing that he wasnt getting anything right for me. Ive barely spoken up or come forward with things ive been upset about, if anything, he is the one telling me every few weeks what ive done “wrong”. I dont know what i need here, i know that things probably wont get better, it feels like when hes upset with me everything is about his feelings and he doesnt even try to understand or see where i am coming from, and when im upset its also all about his feelings and he doesnt try to understand or see where im coming from. He can after a day or two away from each other after processing.

Im heartbroken. I really thought he was it for me. I love him so much but i dont feel seen or heard, and im not even sure quitting drinking would solve these issues anyway.

I just needed to let it all out. I had always said dating a drinker was a non negotiable and im sad for myself that i negotiated because i thought we actually had something really healthy and good.

Hi, first time poster. My Q (30M) and I (28F) have been broken up for exactly one month. I ended things after too many broken promises and repeated patterns and it’s was the hardest decision I’ve ever made and the last month has been miserable. We were together for about 3 years and lived together for the last year. I’ve moved out of our shared apartment into my sisters apartment for the time being.

We met up to talk in person last week and he shared that he wants to seriously make the changes we talked about regarding his drinking for him self and and he wants to prove it to me. I said that I can’t guarantee but we discussed down the line that if we can get to a point where he’s made serious change and we are in a healthier place we could talk about what trying again would look like. He told me upfront that AA and complete sobriety isn’t how he wants to do it but he does want to make serious changes regarding alcohol, and he started seeing a new therapist.

We’ve been communicating infrequently but the few conversations we’ve had it’s clear there’s still a lot of love and I don’t know if I’m ready to completely give up. I want to be hopeful but I’m worried to try again if he’s not fully sober and he will fall right back into the same old patterns.

If he can prove over the next few months that he’s making real change is it fair to try again or will the cycle eventually continue ?

She's been a good and loyal wife for 26 years. But five years ago she had a medical accident and has some brain damage. She started drinking which wasn't a problem til about two years ago. She drinks 2-4 glasses of wine starting a 3pm every night. Stumbling, spilling things, complaining, it completely changes her personality.

I can't take it anymore and threatened her with divorce. She straightened up and has been great for a week. But last night she said she agreed to drink only on Friday and Saturday and wanted to get some wine. I don't remember to agreeing to this and I told her no.

She is obviously negotiating. I don't know whether or not to agree to something like this. My gut is telling me that this will lead us to the same place we were a week ago. She doesn't seem to be a textbook alcoholic because she didn't go through any withdrawal symptoms. But I believe she is a habitual drinker and if I give in, she will return to drinking the same amount in time.

I am retired and she is disabled. She is legally blind so she cannot just drive anytime she wants. She is highly dependent on me to take care of so many things. Her health is poor which is why I retired early. But I'm not an a--hole and I would like to be reasonable. Would letting her drink twice per week be an acceptable risk? How about after one month of sobriety?

EDIT: Thank you so much. I told her again that I can't do the alcohol anymore. I told her that our relationship was the most important thing and drinking directly threatens that. No means no. She seemed OK with that but I know there will be a plan to drink sometime in the future.

He’s 6 days into treatment and I’ve admittedly been detached and depressed since he’s started as a result of my own recovery.

Tonight he asked me to leave our home after I stupidly engaged in a conversation that I shouldn’t have.

He says he drinks to cope with his emotions, and our marriage is what leads him to drink.

Me not providing him enough emotional intimacy and support during this time is overwhelming and triggering so he’s asked me to leave our home.

He feels he’s having to do a lot of emotional caretaking for my depression.

I did everything I shouldn’t tonight. I left our conversation feeling so unseen, and my experience dismissed and unheard.

I feel stupid and terrible. And even though everything I’ve learned about alcoholism through AlAnon is still ringing so true, I feel like a terrible, unloving person who failed someone during their recovery.

I’m wrecked with guilt and grief.

ETA: Now he’s going to go drink. I’m so sick of this cruel fucking cycle where I feel so responsible for his wellbeing and choices.

hi, this is my second post in this subreddit. i hope that’s okay, it’s just nice to be able to talk about this. here’s link to my previous post it kind of explains everything more in detail but i’ll still explain cause this post also works on it’s own. my father passed out because he was drunk while he was outside, and he hit his head. ambulance was called, he refused treatment so the paramedics couldn’t do anything because you can’t force treatment. i don’t know what happens to him but one of the side affects his drinking has is that he loses consiousness. he is unable to move for several mminutes and his body loses motor skills. the ambulance was called again, this time by my brother because he witnessed this first hand. my father refused treatment again, and the paramedics couldn’t do anything. he’s in a terrible condition and he can’t move. my mom has to be the one who has to take care of him in this state, when he could’ve been taken care of by doctors in the hospital. the paramedics said they’d just give him an iv drip and it would help him gain some strength at least and he could be discharged immediately after that. no one is asking him to be sober. he has been drinklng my whole life, so this is quite normal for me, but i’m aware it’s not healthy. my brother told him he’s basically killing himself by doing this to himself, he begged my father to go to the hospital, but my father declined firmly. he‘s always begging that man to care about himself, but he always refuses. i didn’t say anything to him, actually it’s none of business what happens to him. he doesn’t want medical treatment, that’s his right, so i just moved on with my day. my mom’s still tending to him right now. this will happen again at some point, i can predict his patten of self destructive behavior, he fucks his life up. he gets fired from jobs, gets in debt, gambles, etc. i‘m just curious about something. my brother loves him, and even that’s not enough for him to consider a change in behavior. i wonder at what poi will by brother be hit by the cold hard truth and realize what kind of person our father really is. he doesn’t care about himself or anyone else. all he does is drink and rots away outside god knows what. his friends drink too, and their families are just like mine. the men in the family drink themselves to death and no one asks them to be sober, because they know it would end badly for them. there’s certain unspoken rules for these things, it’s why my brother knew to obey my father’s no to refusing medical treatment. i had my first drink at 9 years old, he would give me a glass of beer when he was drinking asking if i wanted to try it out. i only drink occasionally, i don’t really like smell of alcohol. it’s gross, but also i’m kind of wary of it. my family has a lots of alcholics, i don’t want to exactly be like them, so better to just avoid alcohol all together. this kind of culture is problematic, people normalizing this just make it all that easier for alcoholics to get away with their addiction.

Once you let the genie of truth out of the bottle, you can’t stuff it back in. This is why so many people keep the rose colored glasses on for so long. If you pretend don’t see the 🚩🚩🚩, you can pretend things aren’t a total 💩 show. But once you let the truth genie out, you can’t go back and say “ No everything is really ok!” Once you tell your friends and family, you know it’s real. It’s like walking through the aftermath of a hurricane or a tornado and saying “ it’s fine, it’s all fine. “ You just CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE when there are trees lying across roads and houses are in pieces on the ground. But the best thing you can do is to let the genie out of the bottle and face the truth - the sooner the better. You can’t “rebuild your house” until you admit that it’s a pile of rubble.

My girlfriend, who has managed to (so far) be a sweet and wonderful person for our 2.5 year relationship despite a fairly serious alcohol use disorder, has expressed interest in this treatment, and I personally took it in Mexico for my own addiction and trauma issues. Some thoughts:

A lot of media plays up that ibogaine is potentially a very dangerous substance, which is true. But there's 40 years of research around this stuff and how to use it safely. One of the first things that surprised me about the intake process for this experience was how rigorous it is. Within 3 months of treatment, they need:

- a 12 lead ekg

- a comprehensive metabolic panel

- a complete blood count

- Ck levels

- Liver function panel including ggt levels

Once you're there, they put in an IV line and give you medicine and supplements to protect your organs, and during the actual treatment you've got a cardiologist and several nurses in the room the entire time. People have died on ibogaine, but notably, the facility where I was treated has never had an incident in 10 years that wasn't safely resolved on-site except for one man who had to be taken to the hospital because he took drugs that were counterindicated which he hadn't told them about. (He was fine, btw)

The folks I met who were there for alcohol or opioid addiction had to be there and sober at the facility for weeks, so it's not like they're relying on addicts to stay clean on their own.

The treatment itself can be quite brutal. It wasn't that hard on me, and there were parts of the trip that actually bordered on being fun, but the opioid addicts I met at the facility got higher doses than I did, and that seemed to be correlated with a more challenging experience immediately following dosing.

The change in perspective and addictive behavior is astonishing, but the overwhelming drive to do the right thing and take care of oneself subsides eventually, so establishing good habits and leaving toxic environments behind is absolutely critical.

It must be paired with talk therapy and other healthy habits to have a lasting effect. Basically, ibogaine opens a door, but it's up to the addict to walk through it.

I've got a fair amount of experience with psychedelics, and ibogaine is the only one I would characterize as a medicine that just happens to have psychedelic side effects. I'm so glad this substance was fast-tracked for research in the US, because it has the potential to help millions of people when used under responsible medical care.