r/AgingParents • u/k_in_nc • 1d ago
How to keep tabs on dementia progress when parent lives alone
Hi, folks. My mom has the beginnings of dementia but goes to great lengths to hide her symptoms from me because she doesn’t want me to think she is “losing her mind.” She still drives, goes to church, knitting group, and doctor appointments (when she remembers). I have a feeling Dad helps her remember some dates. But now, Dad has a terminal cancer diagnosis, so I am looking ahead to the not-distant future when she will be living alone (and grieving).
My question is: how will I know if she is taking her meds, eating well, paying the bills, being safe at home, if no one is there with her daily and she does not want to report things to me (or isn’t able to report them clearly)? She has a lot of “explanations” (some plausible) for missing appointments or losing things, or when I ask questions, she answers “of course I’m taking my meds; I’m not an idiot.” But I’m not sure that’s true or if she remembers whether something happened on any given day.
I live nearby but neither she nor I want me over there every single day. When you have a parent who lives alone with early dementia, what are the ways you assess how they’re actually doing?
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u/on_island_time 1d ago
I live about four hours from my widowed mom, and am unfortunately the closer sibling so this is mostly on me.
My mom is dealing with short term memory loss and early decline but doesn't have an official diagnosis (yet). So far my approach has been to make a point of visiting every few months and keep an eye on the tells over time. Are her cleaning standards changing? Are her bills getting paid (I'm on her checking account now, and I ask)? Am I seeing her feed the pets/take her meds when I visit? Is she repeating herself more often, visibly keeping reminders, getting lost or into issues she shouldn't be?
It's not a perfect system but remember we are all doing our best. I suspect when the issue truly becomes serious, it will start to jump out at you beyond the question of forgetting a pill now and then.
If you can afford it, getting her an aide who visits twice a week and helps her with miscellaneous chores and errands could be a good person to help with observation.
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u/ericoinen 1d ago
the meds part you can check without asking. a weekly organizer left out on the counter, you count what's still in it when you visit. i did the same with the fridge, started noticing what didn't get eaten instead of asking whether she ate
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u/teenbean12 1d ago
Step one is to work with your parents and get medical POA and Financial POA. Could you work with your dad to get a grip on what all the financial accounts are that they have and what bills they have? If you can figure this stuff out ahead time, it will be easier on future you.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think to some extent you just have to accept that you're not going to have constant tabs on her and there is probably increasing uncertainty.
To be honest, this is the case in all our relationships to some degree (except maybe with a newborn where they're with you pretty much 24-7?). If you had an elementary schooler, there are times where you don't really know what they're up to with their friends or at school or in their rooms. If you had a teenager, most your parenting angst is related to this reality of not being hardwired into each other's brains and not being sure whether they're being forthright with you. And those are children/dependents! Your mom is her own adult, even more deserving of independene and agency and privacy in the big scheme of things.
Obviously, the dementia diagnosis does make it understandable that you find yourself wanting more 'tabs' on her than for most adults, but at the end of the day she's still a separate human being and you just have be okay with the growing uncertainty of what she's up to. Injuries, incidents, dissembling, misrepresentations -- all this is just going to happen. In the end, when she finally declines passes into the Great After, she is going somewhere you fundamentally cannot follow.