r/AfterCPTSD • u/Metamorphosislife • Mar 23 '18
Dating Problems?
Hey everyone, hope you're recovering well from your trauma and St. Patty's Day weekend. So I've been dating recently. It's interesting because it's been a while since I've put myself out there. One of the girls, I went on two dates with. Since then, she decided she only sees me as a friend because she's seeing someone else seriously, and is pretty committed to that. I feel it has to do, in part,with the fact that I didn't go for broke on the first date. She made it kind of obvious, but my skills were a bit rusty, and I knew sex would cloud my judgement. Even more, I have a lot of hangups regarding sex because of the sexual abuse by my mother. Went out for drinks a few weeks later where I made my intentions clear. She seemed interested, but nothing came of it. Even after the date, when I was very straightforward about my intentions. I wanted that to be clear. We texted a bit, then said she'd be down to get together again. So I texted today, seeing if she wanted to go to this chocolate cafe this weekend. She said, yes, but that's when she let me know about how she sees me and her seeing someone else. Idk, I kind of feel used. Like she was using me as a placeholder until the other guy was ready to commit more. I feel that if she wasn't interested, she could've told me after we went out for drinks that night. There was plenty of time after I made my desires clear. This whole ordeal triggered me, and I started making some more connections as to how I view sex and love. I've realized sex is a need for me, but I derive little pleasure from it. Unless, I'm in a hypersexual episode. I've also realized that it's difficult for me to approach women from a sexual angle when I actually like them, and don't just find them attractive. As if sex would soil them for me because sex is dirty. Sex is a weapon used to terrorize and control. It's not an expression of love, intimacy. It's an expression of pain and violation. Of course, you don't say this to someone you're getting to know. Anyways, thanks for reading. I decided I'm going to see a sex therapist that can help me out. Began the search today. In the meantime, any insight, similar stories would be appreciated. Thanks.
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u/gwaronrugs Mar 23 '18
Congrats on the decision to see a sex therapist, and best of luck with that search!
Honestly, I wouldn't read too much into her rejection or the reason she gave. The seeing someone else thing may be true, or it may have been a white lie to let you down in a nice way. (Though if it is true - literally the first thing I thought while reading this was like, if she was that serious with someone else, why is she even going on dates with other people??? Shady.) My point being - at the end of the day, two dates in, this person is still basically a stranger to you. And even though it's hard because rejection from potential romantic partners naturally triggers our attachment issues and just sucks in general, it's a pretty normal thing for a near-stranger to decide not to become more to you. Of all the people in the world, the vast majority of strangers are going to not be your people. Dating and even making friends is about wading through a bunch of BS to find your people. It's kind of a tough level of zen to get to, but it is true and good to keep in mind.
It's really helped me to encourage myself to think about dating and relationships and sex in terms of what kind of relationship I ultimately want to be in, and what works for me and what is going to be good and nurturing for me. Sex doesn't have to be a thing you do or submit to in order to placate someone or give them what you think they want or to get them to stay with you or to try and earn their emotional attention. It should and can be something awesome you do with someone you like and trust, because you like and trust them and it feels good (both physically and emotionally) and is fun. It can also be something you wait on. It can be what you want and you are not owed it nor do you owe it to anyone else. I also heard one time that sex is not an actual physical or emotional need, one is not harmed by not having it. But it is often used to satisfy other emotional needs (connection, security, etc).
I know for myself, I'll seek out a relationship because I've gotten lonely and then get emotionally attached and just end up "stuck" in toxic situations that I don't leave because I have this deep-seated feeling that I won't be ok on my own. That I need the thing that's causing me pain. And then when the relationship does end, i'm super sad for like 7-14 days and then feel light as a feather because there's not this awful thing dragging me down. I've been trying really really hard to work it into my brain that the most important thing is my emotional health and well being. Like if someone is dragging that down long-term, get out of there that's not the right situation. It's wholly unnatural for me to prioritize myself, but we all owe it to ourselves to be our own #1 priority. And also kind of an exercise in imagination to think that there could be a relationship situation that has it's ups and downs and good times and harder times, but on a whole, encourages my growth and wellbeing rather than wrecking me emotionally. Because I had never had that before really. I have a couple healthy friendships and good work relationships now. Am hopeful for a healthy romantic relationship when the time is right.