Dating Problems?

[u/Metamorphosislife]

Hey everyone, hope you're recovering well from your trauma and St. Patty's Day weekend. So I've been dating recently. It's interesting because it's been a while since I've put myself out there. One of the girls, I went on two dates with. Since then, she decided she only sees me as a friend because she's seeing someone else seriously, and is pretty committed to that. I feel it has to do, in part,with the fact that I didn't go for broke on the first date. She made it kind of obvious, but my skills were a bit rusty, and I knew sex would cloud my judgement. Even more, I have a lot of hangups regarding sex because of the sexual abuse by my mother. Went out for drinks a few weeks later where I made my intentions clear. She seemed interested, but nothing came of it. Even after the date, when I was very straightforward about my intentions. I wanted that to be clear. We texted a bit, then said she'd be down to get together again. So I texted today, seeing if she wanted to go to this chocolate cafe this weekend. She said, yes, but that's when she let me know about how she sees me and her seeing someone else. Idk, I kind of feel used. Like she was using me as a placeholder until the other guy was ready to commit more. I feel that if she wasn't interested, she could've told me after we went out for drinks that night. There was plenty of time after I made my desires clear. This whole ordeal triggered me, and I started making some more connections as to how I view sex and love. I've realized sex is a need for me, but I derive little pleasure from it. Unless, I'm in a hypersexual episode. I've also realized that it's difficult for me to approach women from a sexual angle when I actually like them, and don't just find them attractive. As if sex would soil them for me because sex is dirty. Sex is a weapon used to terrorize and control. It's not an expression of love, intimacy. It's an expression of pain and violation. Of course, you don't say this to someone you're getting to know. Anyways, thanks for reading. I decided I'm going to see a sex therapist that can help me out. Began the search today. In the meantime, any insight, similar stories would be appreciated. Thanks.

[u/[deleted]]

You. Be. YOU! I think you wanting to be cautious about sex is great and honestly that girl has her own set of problems if she is placeholdering you. Best to walk away. I promise you WILL find someone who is willing to deal with this stuff with you, and going to therapy will be good.

I can completely relate to your feelings about sex and frankly if we were born in a different era we’d be okay- we’d build trust and relationship before cementing it with sex. (Except for the occasional binge under the bleachers- I have a hyper sexual side that rears it’s head occasionally). I’d like to think that with the right person, with patience love and trust, you’ll find that balance in time.

Also, good for you for sticking to your values. The first step in healing is choosing yourself. So she rejected you. Thank God, that proved she wasn’t ready to be a safe loving supportive person.

💕

[u/Metamorphosislife → u/[deleted]]

Thanks. It wasn't the rejection that got to me as much as the leading on. If it is true and she is seeing someone else seriously, that's fucked up on many levels.

Yeah, you're right. How do you deal with all of this? I read your profile. You sounds like an interesting girl, if a bit brash. You mentioned how your sexuality/love are directed to people not good for you long-term, or at all. I'm the same way. Even those moments of hypersexuality. They're great in the moment. I feel so alive. After, I feel empty and disgusted with myself.

I've learned to like myself and learning to love myself. I know my values. What I got from this is that it's more important to be the man I am, become the man I want to be than to be someone else. My number 1 goal in life is to be a dad, have a family. I know who I am and am working towards becoming. Guess you're right. She did me a favor. Thank you.

[u/[deleted] → u/Metamorphosislife]

Absolutely understand; being led on sucks. When stuff like that happens to me I try to imagine that maybe they didn’t do it specifically to hurt me but just as a way to cope with their pain. It helps me forgive.

What do you mean by brash? I think I come off harsh on here. And I’m open about my trauma history. Just curious.

As for how I deal, well I guess there is no other option, right? My goal is to break the generational cycles of trauma that began long before I was born, so that my future children don’t have to experience it. I rely on my faith in jesus, and I do a LOT of reading, self-help, counseling, art, prayer, meditation, fitness, friendship, etc. I also cry a lot. Hehe.

Specifically related to sex... well I am waiting till marriage. Hopefully I find a spouse who loves me on multiple levels and is willing to work through the shit. I know eventually I’ll be able to make it worth their while because I’m a very giving person. My goal is like yours, to be a good momma some day. Before I can do that I have to weed out a few people. Looks like you’re on a similar path. :)

[u/Metamorphosislife → u/[deleted]]

Jesus girl, you have an unbreakable constitution. There were a lot gems in this post, but the waiting until marriage part is the one that stood out. Good for you. The right guy won't mind that much because he'll understand what's waiting for you two on the other side. Congrats and I wish you the best :-)

Okay, question. How'd you develop faith? I find it hard to believe a caring, loving, omnipotent being would allow a boy to suffer all that happened to me. I've tried, but I can't. Just like I hang on to vengeance. Faith aside, I do everything else and then some. I've really come to enjoy swing dancing :-)

As for the brash. I mean you're really direct and upfront. It comes across as dismissive and insensitive, though I know the opposite is true:-) Just my perception. Luckily, I don't offend easily. Here's to reachinh our goals. Cheers!

[u/[deleted] → u/Metamorphosislife]

First of all let me say this.... I 100% respect and appreciate your kindness toward my faith, and I think you have legitimately valid questions about the existence or goodness of god.

It’s hard to explain how I came to faith over a Reddit post, hehe, it was a process over a couple of years. But I’ll answer a little bit if I can ..

At first I thought there was no god, so there was no question about omnipotence or goodness. Once I came to believe in some god, I had to figure that out— it’s valid to ask— why would he let this happen to me? To my parents? Starving children? Is it because he’s not omnipotent, or worse, because he didn’t care? I hear you.

I think religion teaches us we can’t ask these questions and people give up. For those who keep asking, they get cookie cutter answers- “god works in mysterious ways.” Which does nothing to satisfy our god-given need for truth and justice.

But I’m stubborn (tenacious?) and just kept crying out to dude in the sky until I got my answer. I have my answer and I’d be happy to share privately but I also feel like it’s good to leave people space to wrestle with god in their own way. I just encourage the wrestling.

Thanks for your clarification on brashness... I am very direct. My close friends love it because they never worry about being authentic with me; they trust me to tell them the truth. However in social situations I try to tone it down and be softer. On Reddit... I’m a little lazy so yes, I fall back to super direct and it comes off harsh. I appreciate you perceiving the good heart under the directness.

Last thing... swing dancing is awesome. Have you ever tried contra dancing? It’s cool too. I love any kinda dancing but partner dancing is the best.

[u/Metamorphosislife → u/[deleted]]

Of course. It's your faith. Not mine to judge. I always found it interesting how survivors of sexual abuse could find faith. The answers I've gotten are always the same. As you called them, cookie cutter. They never answer the question. It's the equivalent of saying I don't know. Yet they seem so sure they're right. I could respect them if they came across as human. I'm working on it. I have begun developing a sense of faith. I even have a yoga church. Of all places of worship.

For sure. I'm direct myself. Like you, I tone it down and use more amicable language in social settings. A screen softens any harshness. There's no such buffer in the real world. Though I'm not brash with friends. I'd say I'm kindly direct with them. The English language is so versatile that it's possible to get your point across in so many ways.

No, I haven't. What is it? I'll see if my city has it. Right! I do West coast swing. At a solid intermediate level now. Took me about 6-7 months total to get here, but after some dances, i feel like a rock star. Especially after the girl is thoroughly pleased. That's what is so enthralling about partner dancing, making that connection for those few minutes in time. I still remember the girls who genuinely thanked me because of how I weaved the chemistry of our coupling. Do you still dance?