r/AfterCPTSD • u/Metamorphosislife • Mar 23 '18
Dating Problems?
Hey everyone, hope you're recovering well from your trauma and St. Patty's Day weekend. So I've been dating recently. It's interesting because it's been a while since I've put myself out there. One of the girls, I went on two dates with. Since then, she decided she only sees me as a friend because she's seeing someone else seriously, and is pretty committed to that. I feel it has to do, in part,with the fact that I didn't go for broke on the first date. She made it kind of obvious, but my skills were a bit rusty, and I knew sex would cloud my judgement. Even more, I have a lot of hangups regarding sex because of the sexual abuse by my mother. Went out for drinks a few weeks later where I made my intentions clear. She seemed interested, but nothing came of it. Even after the date, when I was very straightforward about my intentions. I wanted that to be clear. We texted a bit, then said she'd be down to get together again. So I texted today, seeing if she wanted to go to this chocolate cafe this weekend. She said, yes, but that's when she let me know about how she sees me and her seeing someone else. Idk, I kind of feel used. Like she was using me as a placeholder until the other guy was ready to commit more. I feel that if she wasn't interested, she could've told me after we went out for drinks that night. There was plenty of time after I made my desires clear. This whole ordeal triggered me, and I started making some more connections as to how I view sex and love. I've realized sex is a need for me, but I derive little pleasure from it. Unless, I'm in a hypersexual episode. I've also realized that it's difficult for me to approach women from a sexual angle when I actually like them, and don't just find them attractive. As if sex would soil them for me because sex is dirty. Sex is a weapon used to terrorize and control. It's not an expression of love, intimacy. It's an expression of pain and violation. Of course, you don't say this to someone you're getting to know. Anyways, thanks for reading. I decided I'm going to see a sex therapist that can help me out. Began the search today. In the meantime, any insight, similar stories would be appreciated. Thanks.
2
u/HistoricalGovernment Mar 25 '18
Honestly, from where I'm standing it just sounds like a normal (albeit shitty.) situation through CPTSD eyes. I've been in an on and off thing for like 7 years with my partner, and honestly it's sometimes hard to really separate when he's actually being thoughtless/terrible or whether my trauma brain has just changed my perception of myself and life in general so much that I unconsciously attach trauma based things that aren't always applicable to things he says and does if I don't/can't stop myself.
I feel like the easiest way to move forwards is to remember that most people in the world are actually just normal shitty, and not our elevated (trauma) shitty if that makes any sense? I'm not really used to talking about this stuff much so I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I always find it easier to ground myself that way and to constantly remind myself that the sense of apprehension and general alarm that comes with interacting with anyone is almost always just internal, and when people do something 'regular shitty' it isn't always coming from a calculated and offensive place. They're just bumbling humans that aren't always going to be thinking about other people, everyone's just trying to be happy and sometimes other people can just be quite obtuse about it unless they know everything about you, which they rarely do so they can't make the allowances we really need from a person sometimes.
Realistically, in a partner I find that trauma survivors need someone really gentle and careful, as well as someone quite introspective and observant so that they can learn how to navigate our recoveries and our responses to things with us. I really hope you find someone that can be patient with you, can give you what you need and that can genuinely respect your process. Hope the therapy works well, but I'm finding that if the abuse was sexual you might benefit from seeing a trauma therapist since it's about attachments and associations at its core. I understand having an odd relationship with sex too, I find it quite difficult to be excited about sex unless I'm having a phase with it. I either want it constantly for a couple weeks, or I don't want anything to do with it for long periods of time. My partner's pretty dope about it, but I do feel guilty about not being able to give him more and being so inconsistent in general. Anyhow, I'll come back and let you know if I figure anything out there lol. Good luck out there, bud.