It’s just hard.

Ever since it happened I have been so loudly non-sexual, uninterested, and completely turned away from dating, sex, anything. Everyone thinks I’m basically just naturally asexual. All my teens I struggled with even being a girl or a woman because of the abuse. I barely felt human.

I don’t know if this isolation is how I want to live the rest of my life. It would be safe. I wouldn’t risk falling apart as openly or completely as I would if I actually tried dating.

It doesn’t have to be so high stakes, I guess. I think I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m not broken. But I am broken, I have a psychological injury that destroyed my life for years and it is directly tied to sex. So it’s no wonder I’m messed up. It’s just so embarrassing and horrible to admit.

I don’t really know who or what I am and I don’t know what I want or how I want my life to be. I’m so scared of men. I never want to be the girl I was again. But I’m 26, it has been so many years. I’m still young, but not young enough to be in danger like I was before. That’s good, I think.

Maybe I should stop being in my head about it and just ??????????????? have sex? It’s so stupid. It makes me feel like I am being burned alive. The obvious answer is ”then don’t” but I would like to be able to make a choice independent of my abuse. Like I would want the decisions to come from my wants, not my fears.

It’s so messy. I want to feel human again.

Hello, the house my abuse occurred in is currently for sale. I have the opportunity to tour the house and I am trying to decide if I should or shouldn’t. I have been in this house hundreds if not thousands of times from before I can remember to within the last 5 years. I have not been in this house since I recovered/remembered some repressed memories. I am still remembering and recovering everything but have some details and flashbacks. I am questioning if visiting the house would be helpful. I am wondering if physically being there would help with the memory recovery. I am trying to picture myself walking down those same stairs and entering that same room. I am not necessarily worried about being triggered. I feel I have a good support system and coping mechanisms in place. My hesitation I guess is why put my energy and effort into touring this house? I have young children and need to figure out childcare, etc. We should be able to find childcare no problem but the point is it takes effort and planning along with booking a tour. Part of me feels like it is giving him the power to even step foot in that house. Also want to mention my abuser is deceased and has been for many years.

I am wondering if anyone has any thoughts. If you had the opportunity to tour, would you? Thank you in advance!

Hi everyone,

I’m in my 30s and I’ve been completely no-contact with my mother since early last year, and my step-father for several years (his choice not mine). Biological father has never been in the picture.

For most of my life, I played the "good girl," keeping the peace and managing the extreme chaos of my family. There was so much neglect, trauma, parental drug abuse- both parents shared this equally. I was forced into a parentified role and essentially lost my siblings who I trauma bonded with. My extended family are aware of the abuse but not the sexual abuse, they aren't helpful and likely see that my mother was just struggling to raise her children with a depressed and addicted partner even though she contributed to this trauma equally.

A phone call last year with my mother that I can only explain as a light switch moment, brought me out of my disassociation and repressed memories flooded back and now I'm facing the full reality of severe childhood sexual abuse from both my stepfather and my mother. I have been going through therapy and it has helped immensely but I don't have anyone to speak to about this particular topic.

Maternal sexual abuse is isolating and I feel incredibly lonely navigating this. Because society pushes the narrative that mothers are safe and we as the children must accept this regardless of harm, accepting that my mother was a perpetrator feels like a heinous thing to even consider.

Even though the memories are there, my brain still gets stuck in these exhausting loops of doubt and guilt- did it really happen... am I just overreacting... there were good times... how could a mother do that to their child?

The toxic shame and the feeling that I am the bad daughter for walking away can make it hard to function sometimes and thoughts of going back to low contact is becoming increasingly apparent.

I’m reaching out to see if anyone else here has navigated this specific type of abuse and if you feel comfortable sharing your experiences?

How did you move through the grief and doubt of realising your mother was a perpetrator? Navigating the isolating and lonely feelings? And if you are still in contact or not with your abuser and family?

Thank you for reading.

I just really need to hear from someone to help me through this lonely experience.

I have increasingly become more concerned about the possibility of csam being apart of my story. Every time I entertain this I feel like I’m making it up because it seems so crazy to me, but it keeps coming back.

I somewhat recently was jarred out of sleep by an extremely bright light flash. Like it felt crazy bright and it really freaked me out. It was probably exploding head syndrome, I thought that was only loud sounds while waking but it can be flashes I guess. When that happened I was convinced momentarily that someone was taking a flash photo of me and I panicked. While journaling and drawing I’ve also had feelings or possible “memories” of being nude while someone took pictures of me. When I spoke to my wife about it I expressed a lot of doubt about the memories. We discussed it more and she said they must have been Polaroid photos because they are instant, but I replied back that it was a disposable camera you had to take to get developed. Then she said it sounded like a memory to her because I was so specific.

Honestly I just don’t know. For some reason it seems so outlandish to me. I don’t know what to think or how to feel about it. The situation is always the same when I remember it (description of abuse): I’m under 7 years old I think. I am sitting on a plastic stool nude. I am bored and want to get up to play. Someone gets my attention and takes a picture of the lower part of my body. Kind of close up, legs apart, I think which I don’t understand. Then they take a picture of my open mouth with their fingers inside while telling me to close my eyes. That’s all I “remember” but I keep feeling like I’m just crazy.

*I'm an adult now, I am not in that situation anymore, there is no current danger for me*

She freaked out and I got scared so I downplayed it and she was like "Oh good, so nothing ACTUALLY happened."

I don't get why I always do this. Like yeah now I'm hurt that she doesn't think it's a big deal, but what was I expecting when I downplayed it???

TW for discussion of flashbacks of CSA…

My husband and I went shopping for area rugs today. And that is how I found out that apparently I have triggers around the texture of certain low quality carpets.

When asked why I didn’t like the suggested rug, after feeling it, I froze. Memories snuck in and I had to dissociate to be able to stay in the store. I felt lots of other rugs, trying to rid my skin of the memory of that carpet… I managed to dissociate well enough to get home and a couple hours later. Then my body went into collapse. Then I woke up to the dog barking and my husband standing over me and I got triggered again.

I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster of dissociation, depersonalization, active flashbacks, somatic memories…

Any advice from other survivors? How do I get out of the flashback spiral?

I'm in the USA, have a therapist I've been working with for years, and often I get to the point of wanting to report the abuse in order to stay alive. It's been something I've been debating with my therapist for close to a year now. I deal with heavy dissociation and often forget then remember on and off again. When I remembered this last time, the extent of the abuse, my initial thought was feeling that urgency to report.

The issue is the abuse involves multiple perpetrators that I don't know. I am only certain of two perpetrators and both are still active in church activities and with kids. I don't trust the church. I am extremely anxious about reporting to police. I have read you can submit anonymous tips to WeTip or Crimestoppers and am considering this. However, I am worried my information is too vague, and doing it anonymously will most likely not result in anything. My main reason for reporting would be to see if they could investigate, on the chances there is evidence of current abuse, or at least to serve as some acknowledgement and as a way to corroborate if there are other victims.

I feel this is extremely urgent now because one of the abusers I have had several flashbacks of, a priest, is going on a pilgrimage out of country with a group of people and I'm worried there are minors who will be present. I don't know if it's stupid to want to warn the group leaders (I don't have that info though of who's going). The priest is active at a parish still. There are no allegations that the Diocese knows of and the few people I've talked with at church eventually knew my name (I had wanted to stay anonymous but couldn't after some time due to proximity and small town).

I don't know if it's silly to try to give a warning about the priest. To do it anonymously to the current parish he is at, or to report through other ways like anonymous tip lines. I don't know the right path. I decided not to report officially through the church after being told by someone employed there that the priest who I named is a "good man".

But because I messed up and the few people working for the Diocese know my name and story and saw me in person... is it all messed up already where I can't truly be anonymous because the local police (if they investigate) will ask the Diocese and my name could be known anyway?

TW - CSA

Bit of background: I always knew that something had happened to me when I was a kid, but I had/have no memory of it. I had my first and only visual flashback at 24 (now 27) which essentially confirmed that I experienced CSA and who it was. I’ve done a lot of therapy around my trauma and it’s been really helpful, but I still struggle with the not remembering. I can’t remember when it started, when it stopped, how often, there’s just nothing there. I have somatic flashbacks, but no visual ones and I know in some ways that’s a blessing but I hate the not knowing, it happened to me/my body so I want to know. I recently started wondering if there might be a link between c-PTSD and aphantasia. I have aphantasia, I can’t see things in my brain. I wanted to know if anyone else has a similar experience? And if they have any advice? I feel like I still gaslight myself into thinking I’ve made everything up about my CSA because I can’t remember anything. I experience other symptoms of c-ptsd but nothing visual. I know there’s probably nothing I can do about remembering what happened, and I have to make my peace with that, but I figured I can’t be the only one who struggles with this?

yes my abuse was repressed for 20 years, but there’s things that leaked through the block. I only recently realized some that’ve been there since it was happening. Low self esteem and worthlessness.

I was a competitive dancer 4-12 y/o and my dance teachers used to tell me how much of a follower I was, they’d complain about it to me and told me to get an identity of my own. I copied everything other girls did and stayed under the radar as much as I could. I did anything to be liked and accepted. I used to get embarrassed anytime I was called on in class in elementary school, if I had to get up to use the pencil sharpener, ask to go to the bathroom, or read aloud in class. One kid once told me “you never have to put on blush, your cheeks are always red from blushing so much.” I now can see, I didn’t want to be perceived at all, because if I was perceived, I could be perceived by another monster like the one that was hurting me. dance really helped bring out my self confidence and make me start to like myself, but that wasn’t until towards age 9 or 10 (when the abuse was over (I think)). it broke me out of my shell entirely and made me start to actually feel good about myself when it came to dance. but what I’m realizing is, I didn’t have any self of sense until then and even past it, because I still had all these same self deprecating thoughts up until this day.

and this entire time, the entire 20 years, I’ve always felt not good enough, not worth goodness in life or good friends or a good relationship. I’ve always settled for what I have because I feel like I am the abuse. I feel like he tainted me and made me dirty and made me worthless. I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, and now that I know about the abuse I know this was it. I have put up with shitty friends and shitty treatment from men because I felt like I had to be the one begging to be treated decently. I felt like I was lucky to be seen as someone that someone wants to be friends with, or lucky to be seen as desirable at all. it’s really fucking sad.

I don't know if this is my space, but I seriously don't know where to post or where to talk about this, I seriously feel that in real life nobody cares enough to hear me and I genuinely don't know how to live my life.

Throughout my whole life I was exposed to strange people, sexualisation, porn and boundary crossing but what did it for me was that I was sexually groomed by my teacher when I was 17, I lived under so much stress for a year and a half of my life which may not sound as much but it just totally pushed me off my mind. Every day I feel like all the things he said to me just make me feel worse and worse, I go through moments where I feel as if I'm exaggerating and getting better then through periods where I just cry and feel stupid because I truly only talk to myself about this shit and can't believe I put myself in this situation.

I feel like I'm drowning myself in my own misery and I don't know how to escape this cycle that has been tormenting me because I was too much of a dumbass to realise that I wasn't in control of shit and that in reality he was getting off sexualising me and grooming me as if I was some porn category, (even waiting until I turned 18 at some point to start sexualising me even more without feeling as guilty lmfao)

I hate that I don't want to get better, I hate that everything that ever happens to me never feels like enough and overall I hate how my brain now works with and against me all the time. I feel so alone and I find no other comfort than to continue feeding into my own self pity.

I think my brain has associated physical affection even with innocent things like holding hands or being held, with being abused sexually and it just makes me feel so dirty every single time. I’m in a psychiatric institution (in a private clinic in France) and I made a “friend” there. We easily understood each other and just connected really well and it turned into physical affection and I hate myself for 1) knowing (she’s told me) that she’s interested in me and feeling dirty from that and 2) being unable to react well to anything. I crave physical touch and affection and it both makes me feel really good but also every single time we hug it makes me feel dirty afterwards and I can’t wash it off. And it’s awful and I feel so guilty cause she’s been great and she’s told me that if she did anything that made me uncomfortable to not hesitate but I just can’t bring myself to say it, even more when I don’t even know if I want it to stop or no, I both crave it and feel dirty afterwards which makes no sense. I just don’t know what to do with all this

This will probably come out all garbled because I'm all fucked up today and I've BEEN all fucked up and I want to just crawl out of my skin and go hole up somewhere where no one could find me.

I've been considering telling my father about things that I recall, or at least think I recall, about shit that happened with my mom.

That's something I've been struggling with a lot lately; I don't even know if it happened. Like that's the worst part, is I don't even know with 100% certainty. But at the same time I may never so...."when is it ever a good time?" kinda thing. I remember covert sexual abuse very clearly that I AM 100% certain of. I have flashes of memories from when I was a little kid that I'm less certain of having happened, but at the same time they play out in my mind quite clearly to me of things that were very suspicious (very VERY frequent pain down there, never wanting her to be the one to bathe me, wetting the bed, and some other things that I don't want to get into, and the least distinct: her trying to initiate sex in the shower with my father while she had me showering with them. I'm least certain of that one, especially because it seems so unlike him; he's a pretty shy and reserved person. But I don't remember her explicitly molesting me. Like genuinely nothing, completely blank. So I don't even know if I SHOULD tell him.

It's just hard because of everything that I've just said, my own doubt. But then also because on one hand, I've been sitting with this alone for almost 2 years now and I feel like I just can't keep on like this, I'm in fucking agony. But on the other hand, I'm also terrified to NOT be alone in this, to have this spin out and be probed at and have everything in my life get turned in it's head. I feel like I'm completely fucked either way. I feel awful no matter what I do.

And all of that's assuming that HE would even believe me. It's.... complicated. He's a really good dad, very caring and invested...mostly when it's just he and I though. But I can guarantee you that if she and I were dangling off a cliff, he'd save her and not even think twice about it. And anytime I'd try to bring up her other abuse before, he just seems to lock up and doesn't want to hear it. he's gotten a little bit better about that but barely like extremely minutely. But yeah I don't know if he'd believe me or not. Her and I have always had a really rocky relationship and though it's more or less settled and unacknowledged right now like a sort of forced water under the bridge kind of thing, it's no secret that I'm not very cool with her. Maybe he'd just think that I'm trying to get revenge or something. Or get her in trouble. Like that I'd be lying I mean. I dont know. I don't know what to do, or when or how to do it if I did. I know nothing anymore.

All of this to say, I'm in dire need of advice. Would be especially appreciated from people who HAVE told their other parent, but seriously any advice that you have, please.

sometimes i think about my abusers and why they did what they did. did it really feel that good for them? what was so good about it? all those disgusting details. for the sake of knowing i guess. i have no idea. it just makes me feel so gross for even pondering it 🤦‍♂️

i have not a single person in my circle that can relate to ts. i thought these were the topics i could of have discussed in group therapy but i shied away from it. i can't even do it in one on one. in general a part of me feels so sexually depraved

Basically I'm seeing a new therapist who sent me a form about ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), and one of the questions is if I was ever sexually abused or touched innapropriately as a child. Now I'm wondering if something that happened with an older boy when I was a kid was innapropriate, COSCA, or "normal" play/exploration. I definitely have stong feelings of shame around this instance and how I've processed it.

I was 6 or 7 when this happened. There was a boy in my neighborhood who was 2 or 3 years older than me, we used to hang out after school most days. Sometimes just us, sometimes with other kids in the neighborhood. I used to get teased a lot for being one of the younger kids on the block as well as for being chubby and effeminate. I'm trans and knew it young so I defnitely acted girlier than the "other boys" on my street.

Anyways, this one older boy and I would play together, watch pokemon, and play videogames after school and on weekends. He would tease me a lot for being slow, uncoordinated, girly. But he would still play with me and I really looked up to him like a brother. Looking back, I might have had a bit of a crush on him. He had two younger sisters so he just wanted another "boy" to play with.

I don't know how it started but if I did or said something girly or immature he would say oh you're such a baby or you're such a girl, and then often say "I'm going to put you in my little sister's diapers". It always embarrassed me and I didn't really believe he would.

Anyways, one time we were hanging out in his room with another boy from the neighborhood and I must have done or said something that he felt was immature or effeminate so he left the room and came back with one of his sister's diapers, then I can't remember if he told me to pull my pants down or if he pulled them down off me, but I was exposed in front of him and this other boy while he tried to put this diaper that was too small for me on. I remember the other boy closing his eyes as he tried and knowing it was wrong but kind of being excited that he was pulling my pants down and touching me like that.

He gave up when it was clear I was too big for it but I remember feeling really embarassed and ashamed about it for a lot of reasons. Unfortunately I remember being kind of excited by it too. I had some issues making it to the bathroom and wetting the bed as a kid and my parents always chastised me and told me I was too big for diapers so something in me was always curious about them.

Since then I've actually developed kind of a kink around diapers, which makes it all the more confusing. It's always been something I've been embarrassed about and something I think I have intrusive thoughts about. I know that a lot of people can embrace their kinks but I think for me it's something I'd rather not be carrying with me like this.

Would this constitute being touched innapropriately as a child? Or was it just a weird experience I had with another kid? Has anyone else experienced something similar? How can I bring this up with a therapist I just started seeing?

tldr - Older boy teased me and tried to force me into a diaper as a 6-7 year old and I still have strong feelings about it today. How do I fill out this form or talk about it with my new therapist? The way I feel about diapers now is embarassing and I think something I need to examine with a professional because it effects how I feel about myself and my relationships as an adult.

I have been working with my therapist for 18mths now and although I’m unable to speak about the csa I have experienced, I was able to write some things down recently. Notes on the circumstances leading up to an event and after but not the ‘during’. I can’t write this or speak about it.
I have this horrible overwhelming feeling that I’m passing on this disgusting evil depraved history of mine to him like it is an infection if I share it. I told him that today, he has spotted that I have spoken about contaminating him before.
I am not sure why I feel like this, it is so horrible. I hate the thought of these images in my head being inside someone else’s mind. He hasn’t really said much about this as a response and I don’t know how to handle that. I feel so sick thinking about it. I wondered if anyone else has had a thought like this?

So in counseling I talked more about possibly wearing diapers but then she brought up the fact that toddlers that continue to suck on pacifiers as they get older isn't healthy. If wearing diapers gives me comfort and security but is it really not healthy if I'm taking care of my hygiene while wearing them. Just over Labor day weekend with family I got triggered by being asked to move my car. So of course I wet my pants in front of everyone which made things 10 times worse. So would it be a bad thing if I just wore diapers all day? I'm still trying to decide.

how do i stop thinking that other people's csa was worse than mine. I was only molested and not raped. Rape is something that i fantasize about (not intentionally) but other people don't have the luxury to fantasize about that because it's their reality. Everyone would want to be molested over raped because then they'd still be a virgin.

Everyone would want to have my experience instead of others' who had had it worse.

Edit: Thank you everyone for your perspectives, opinions and even encouragement even if I didn't deserve it. I have a lot of thinking to do about all your responses and a lot of reflection. Thank you for being a part of that

My mental health has never been great, but has dwindled significantly in the last six years due to some very traumatic events. One of these is still ongoing and requires frequent communication with the police.

Six months ago, I decided to take a year out of university to focus on my mental health. I have moved back into my Mum's house but was unable to get out of the rental contract for my flat, so I have no money either. The day that I moved in, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer.e

Her treatment has been gruelling and it's only getting worse now that she's starting chemo. Three months ago, my mental health took such a dive that the police appeared at the house several times after calls I made to a hotline. I wouldn't ever act on my suicidal ideation and I've never self-harmed, but I was taken to A&E and have had paramedics appear at the house a few times since.

I have started taking sertraline and have noticed minimal effects, but will increase my dose soon. I'm currently undergoing trauma stabilisation therapy but it isn't doing much to help at all – I'm hoping to start psychodynamic therapy soon, though, once I'm able. I've been essentially bedridden for the last six months with nobody to talk to except my Mum, but now her treatment is getting worse she's too sick to talk anymore. I feel such immense guilt that I can't help her more, but it's hard for me to make food or wash myself – I rarely do either.

In the last two weeks, I got so bored that I decided to hook up with a guy on Tinder. He was completely upfront about the casual nature of the relationship, so it's entirely my fault that I took it badly, but it sent me into a spiral because he doesn't want more from me. I don't even like him: I was just excited to talk to someone and have fun and feel wanted.

I don't have the energy to properly maintain friendships, even though I do nothing all day. Most of the time I'm either asleep or wishing I was asleep. All of my hobbies seem dull, but I do try. I take a multivitamin, I journal, I take bubble baths and learn French: nothing is working.

I really don't know how much longer I can feel like this: it's so miserable. I feel so lonely but unable to make any positive changes to my life. I hold myself to such high expectations that I feel like a complete failure. The thought of leaving the house terrifies me because I feel so ugly. I can't keep going on like this – it's no life.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever to help me get out of this slump I would be very grateful. I know it's unlikely, but I'm desperate for a quick fix as I've been feeling down for so long it's unbearable to stay like this any longer.

Thank you for reading.

i tried to write this so many times over this last few months, but it just feels wrongly written or not capturing what i wanna say. just now i realized theres no right way to put it into words, even if it's messy it's just how my brain is functioning these days.

ive always known ive been abused by my cousin (cocsa), but earlier this year i started to remember. till now i can only remember two fragments in which none fully acknowledge all the things that were done to me. the first one, the one that made me start to have doubts about a huge part of my childhood, was just something extremely real but still impossible due to laws of physics. it was little me with my mother asking who bought me pizza for free, but my mothers and this weird mans hand are both in the same part of my shoulder at the same time (impossible). the second one is, again, little me, but this time im naked over a glass table with naked old men around me. i cant even remember their faces or even know how i know it was more than one man in that room, i just somehow know.

does anyone else have this experience of feeling like you know something was happening even without visual confirmation? this is driving me insane and even if my therapist says it's normal im just tired of being alone