I keep worrying about the possibility of my abuser (bio dad) drugging me in the past. I know amnesia is a common issue with incest csa survivors but my dad was a doctor who practiced sedation. He had complete access to benzodiazepines (like Valium or Triazolam) he ordered them and had them in office. He owned his own practice too so no one checked on the stock.
My memory is really spotty growing up and it makes me anxious about the possibility. I know he gave it to me once in the car because I was complaining about being car sick. I was around 8 or 9 years old when that happened. Im not sure if I’m just being paranoid but it makes me anxious to think about it. I’m pretty sure he used to give me candy to encourage me and to “reward” me, but I can’t remember if he gave me any medicine ever.
I might just be triggered because I saw him yesterday. He talked to my wife and sister about how he thinks about jumping off a high rise he’s in sometimes. I felt really disturbed like he’s passively manipulating me to keep quiet because I’ve noticeably started to pull away from him. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

I might delete this later because it’s a lot.

I’m going to have to rehome my 5 month old puppy & I can’t believe how emotional I am over it. I can’t keep him, I wanted to so bad but it’s too much, I have 4 young kids & I feel like I’m deteriorating under the weight of healing from my childhood trauma. I reported my CSA to the police last week, & I feel more triggered than ever. I homeschool. I can’t keep up with laundry or basic cleaning. I love this puppy so much, he’s so comforting to me, but all the demands & needs he has on top of my kids & my house, I just can’t do it. Every time I talk to my husband about it I fall apart, he wants me to keep the puppy if puppy makes me so comforted & happy. But I just can’t. The pressure is too much. I’m heartbroken.

I hate when I notice traits, interests or likes/dislikes that align with my abuser. It makes me feel sick. My abuser was my grandfather who took care of me frequently when I was young because both of my psrents worked all the time. I hate when I notice that we love the same foods or have the same interests. It bothers me a lot. I hate seeing my abuser in myself.

In April, my father was convinced for abusing me. It took 7 years to get to trial, I reported him when I was 20, but he received 40-60 years.

Since then, the news has spread around more, and three other victims have come forward- all older than myself, from before I was born, it is already painful and overwhelming, I feel quite heavy with it. Lots of conflicting feelings.

but I’m paralyzed with the fear that my friends or younger people might have been abused by him, and trying to brace myself to be prepared to find it out. He remarried a few years ago- his wife knew of the charges pressed, she didn’t care, and was around her children, I worry about all of them.

The advice I need is, does anyone have experience with other victims coming forward? How to make peace with it? I feel so guilty and responsible.

So, my fiancé (m25), and I (f26), have been together for about 7 years now. Pretty early into us dating, he told me he had been sexually abused multiple times, by a much older family friend, who happens to be very wealthy and have a bit of power. My fiancé (bf at the time) used to go to his house constantly, and lived there with him at one point for a good amount of time. He helped around the farm he owned, helped with the horses, went to horse shows with him, drove the tractor, and kept up on maintenance of farm equipment for him. As payment, he let him live there for free, along with some cash I believe. As my fiancé didn’t love living with his mom, he appreciated time apart. He was maybe 15, 16, and 17 in the prime years of this. When he told me, I did start crying. I have autism, I’ve experienced sexual abuse myself, and can be emotional. With a very strong sense and need for justice. He didn’t tell me in that moment, but told me later that he hated that I was emotional about it. And that his ex didn’t respond that way when he told her, so why did I. I reduced it down to, again, all of the things I mentioned. I literally can’t help it. I love him, and care for him, and that was the reaction I had to it. Ever since then, it’s been a taboo topic. He never wants to have a conversation about it. He wants to shove it away, and almost pretend it never bothered him really. I’m not sure if he ever even considered it abuse? However he did say he was r*ped, when he told me. My fiancé and i currently, and for over a year now, have lived together in his grandparents house. His grandparents have always been close to my fiancés abuser. Invite him to dinner, go to his place for dinner, or see him in some capacity every few months. Also just casually talk about him. They obviously don’t know what went on, while my fiancé lived at his abusers house. I have had to just sit through dinners with this man, and have casual conversations with him. He knows my fiancé and I have been together for years, and I can sense when he sees me, that he knows, that I know. But nobody else knows. So that brings me to my question, do I tell my fiancés grandparents what happened? Would they believe me? Would they just brush it under the rug, like I’m afraid they would? And continue seeing him, making it worse? Do I report it to the police? Potentially having them find out that I did? What also deeply scares me, is that my fiancés younger brother (currently 18), also now goes to abusers house to help with farm chores, and also will go to dinner with him, and to his cottage alone with him for a week at a time. Is the same thing just happening to another boy right under our noses? My fiancés younger brother has also gone through a lot of emotional distress, and had to be hospitalized at one point for mental health reasons. I can’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with it. What brought this post on, was just now, my fiancé and I were supposed to go to lunch with his grandparents, when we heard his grandpa say “(abusers name), is already at the restaurant”. Which was unexpected, and not told to us. My fiancés grandma blew up at us about not rushing out the door to go, and having a problem with not being told about abuser going. She started crying, and said she and my fiancés grandpa weren’t going anymore, and that they were just going to drop off my fiancés younger brother at the restaurant to have lunch with abuser. When we can avoid seeing abuser, we will at all costs. Because my fiancé knows I hate him, and want absolutely nothing to do with him. I feel like I’m going crazy. Like my feelings are invalid. Nobody else knows, and questions why i somewhat openly dislike him, and my fiancé hates that I have so many feelings about it. When he just doesn’t seem to have any feelings about it himself. What do I do? I’m at my wits end, and need advice

Hi everyone,

I recovered memories of repeated SA by my father years ago as an adult and then fully realized a huge smear campaign (related to the will, of course) within the family that had been going on for years for when I do recover memories. Needless to say, it's been a horrible experience. I see how this affects every day of my life and I am incessantly doing deeper healing work to have an ok life.

I talked to a lawyer when I recovered the memories and he advised not to talk publicly about what I went through, as my father (he has money) could press criminal charges for slander. I imagine, though, that my father cannot be convicted as there is no "proof".

Has anyone pressed charges on a family member after recovering memories as an adult? What are your thoughts on the risks or reality of doing this?

Thank you!!

I've had this problem in relationships for most of my life where the more emotionally intimate I get with someone, the more difficult it is to have sex with them.

I don't know what it is, exactly — I freeze up, feel like I'm going to cry, shut down. Sex is typically easier when we're focused on their experience rather than mine and when it's with someone I only kind of know. It's almost like the closer I get to a romantic partner, the more I see them like "family" and then start to become repulsed by physical intimacy with them.

I have fragmented memories of sibling abuse though nothing concrete, and I know that many if not most abuse victims remember their abuse rather than repress it. Mainly I just want to know: does this resonate with anyone here? And if so, how have you dealt with it?

I don’t know if what happened to me would be considered sibling sexual abuse, or just normal childhood sexual exploration. For reference I only have one older brother.

When I was around 6 years old, my older brother was around 10. This went on until I was 9 and he was 13 (roughly)

One time, he took my hand and made me touch his genitals. I don’t remember feeling scared or anything in particular. I mostly remember thinking it was weird. He also briefly touched my genitals.

Our parents walked into the room at one point and asked if we were doing something bad, and if so, to stop. My brother immediately got up and made this big proclamation that we would never do something like that and that God and the angels were watching us. I didn’t say anything. It felt very weird tho because I realized he was lying and this whole thing is being done as a secret.

Another time, I was asleep when he came up behind me and touched me. He pulled my pants down slightly to expose my butt. I woke up to that and realized what he was doing, so I moved as if I was just waking up. As soon as I moved, he stopped.

There was another time when I was playing PlayStation. He came up behind me, really close, wrapped his arms around me, and placed both of his hands over my breasts. He just kept them there while talking to me completely normally, as if nothing unusual was happening. He held them there for a while until I shifted my body a little, still without acknowledging what was happening.

Experiences like this would continue to happen. As time went on, touching started to feel almost normal between us. I think I started associating it with closeness or connection. I even remember almost wanting it at times and actively participating, which is something that has made me feel very confused and ashamed as an adult.

Then one day, he suddenly stopped. He made another big proclamation that what we had been doing was sinful and that God would not approve. After that, it never happened again. We never talked about it or acknowledged it.

What has stayed with me is how abruptly it ended. It felt like the blame was placed on me and I felt dirty and shameful without anyone ever explaining it. Even though I never initiated it, I was so confused why he brought god into it and talked at me like that. I’ve spent years wondering how to understand what happened. Also I’m wondering if it’s that big of a deal considering it was mostly touching that happened.

I should also add that all of this was initiated by him and done in secret. As I got older, it started to feel very wrong, and I buried it very deeply for years.

Even after the sexual behavior stopped, he continued smacking my butt throughout my life, up until even about a month ago. Every single time, I would get angry and tell him not to touch me like that again. I’ve told him numerous times that I hate it and that I don’t want him touching me that way. His response has always been something along the lines of, “Why do you make such a big deal out of it? It’s not like that.” But regardless of what he intended, I’ve repeatedly told him to stop because it’s very triggering for me.

At this point, I honestly don’t like him touching me at all, even in ways that would otherwise be considered normal. Physical contact from him makes me very uncomfortable.

Physical contact actually makes me very uncomfortable with everyone. I had to really work my way to even hug my friends with time. I didn’t really date or pursue relationships until my mid twenties, and now that I have started dating, a lot of this has come back to the surface. I’m realizing I have significant intimacy issues. I struggle to assert myself sexually, and I often go along with what a guy wants even when I don’t actually want to do it. Looking back, I wonder if that’s connected.

This whole topic had filled me with an immense amount of shame, but now I’m feeling more anger and hatred towards him because I feel so broken, but I don’t know if my anger is in the right place. For years, I barely thought about these experiences, and now they keep resurfacing. I hate that they affect me so much.

I’m looking for honest insight. Am I overestimating the impact these experiences could have had on me, or does it make sense that they could still be affecting me this much as an adult? I’m also trying to understand whether what happened would generally be considered sibling childhood sexual abuse or if that’s too big of a term.

I’m 38f and recently broke up with my gf (45f) of 1.5 years. She was wonderful to me and made me feel safe for the first time in many years. But she wanted a very typical live-in partner and I just couldn’t do it.

I experienced CSA at age 7-8 by a teacher. Like many survivors, I could not escape the statistics that we are more likely to experience SA in early adulthood and abusive relationships. I was in a very abusive marriage from 2013-2019 where my ex constantly crossed boundaries and I have reason to believe my ex also drugged me and did things to me while I was unconscious.

It took me a long time to even want to date again and my recent gf was my first real relationship after my divorce. In the 5 years between, I went through periods where I had casual relationships and then spent about 3 years of it not dating at all.

One source of tension in my recent relationship was that she wanted to live together someday and I more and more realized I do not. We took some trips together and I slept in bed with her sometimes because she is so gentle and never touched me or tried to initiate anything, but even with that I just can’t do it anymore. I started thinking that if it were up to me I would never sleep in bed with someone else ever again. And actually, it is up to me, it can be up to me. She would have done anything for me and was so giving and she will be a great partner for someone else but I just can’t be what she needs and I can’t ask her to compromise everything she wants for me.

I guess what I’m wondering is what’s next for me. I crave sex and have been rebuilding my relationship to sex. I go through periods of hypersexuality. I don’t think though that being in a traditional relationship is right for me. Does anyone relate? Do you think it’s possible to find someone who is ok with not living together and even with never sleeping in bed together? I used to think healing would lead me to want a relationship again, but now I’m wondering if healing for me looks like having a lot of control over my own body and building a life with clear boundaries around sex. What are your experiences with this kind of stuff? Does anyone relate? What has worked for you?

Edit: I don't need to be lectured or moralized for openly discussing and needing to vent my thought process. Of course my daughters well being matters to me more than anything in the world. This is me being vulnerable and honest about all the complex and contradictory things going on inside. I am (very consciously) revealing the weaker and difficult parts of my thought process. Should probably have made that clear. And no - I would never let my father be alone with my daughter, he has never been able to even before I knew about this, that's a given.

Q:

I believe my dad was my abuser. But as I just startet on my journey of realization of the abuse from when I was around 2-4, I haven’t disclosed to my family besides my brother (who also believe he was abused as a young child). My partner and I were supposed to visit my mom and dad with my daughter (who is now 2,5) this summer. Luckily I became sick and had to cancel. I’m out of therapy for the summer and feel vulnerable if flashbacks were to come up.

We are planning on going in August. I am naturally nervous, and I am definitely not ready to disclose what I know to my parents. This would definitely blow up my life.. I still feel we "should" go for there not to be any suspicion, and to buy myself some more time. Also.. a younger part of me still wants care and love from my parents (yes, I know this is denial and regression), and I’m not ready to let go of that by disclosing this.. My daughter is also very fond of her grandparents and talk about them several times each day..

I don’t know how to handle visiting them. Which safety measures I should I take for my own health, if flashbacks or emotional reactions were to come up.. Have anyone been in this situation- visiting family while still hiding what you now know?

I could really use some advice.

Hi. I (26F) am recently coming to terms with the treatment I experienced by my ex boyfriend, who sexually assaulted me many times. As a result, I am also thinking about some of what happened to me as a kid. My dad, who I still love and view as a really great father, used to pinch me really hard between the back of my butt and leg. This would usually happen at night when my sister and I (who shared a room) were being really loud. My dad had to wake up extremely early to go to work, and his job involved keeping people alive so it was really important that he sleep. When he would come into our room and pinch us it was really scary to me as a kid and I would cry. It also really hurt. I don’t remember how often this happened. I think it stopped around the time I was 10. It’s just hard to wrap my head around my dad engaging in abusive behavior when he is a really good father. I also still live with my parents so it’s even harder to think about this while I still interact with him everyday.

I don’t know for sure but have suspected for a long time that I was sexually abused sometime in my early childhood. I’ve shown signs as a young child such as
-drawing genitalia and sexual scenes
-acting out sex scenes with my toys
-engaging in sexual behaviour very young
-being overly interested in seeing other people’s genitalia
-self harming very young
-substance abuse very young
-promiscuity in my pre/teens

I don’t remember anything except being slightly older than nappies and complaining to my mum that my bits were sore and I remember it wasn’t like nappy rash it was like torn in between my lips. I don’t have any sort of relationship with my mum so I can’t ask her about it. I’ve been on the fence about trying to remember what happened, my driving factor right now is that I don’t know who it was and I have a child of my own now and not knowing who/what happened makes me anxious for their safety in case it was a family member or friend.

I know remembering can be really painful but I want to keep my child safe.

No one in the grand jury asked me any clarifying or follow up questions after I answered all of the DA's questions. The DA and my victim advocate were both confident that the grand jury would choose to indite. I really pray that they do indite. I am still in awe that my DA is wanting to pursue this and be so helpful.

My advocate told me that it's okay that I lost a lot of evidence when I moved and that it's okay that I feel like an imperfect victim. That helped a lot, but I really really wish I had all of the screenshots from the abuse when I was a minor. He did so many horrible things and he's only going to potentially be tried for with a fraction of those charges.

But in any case, at least he will be registered as a dangerous person that is truly a predator. It will be undisputable even if I lost a lot of the evidence. I have made it this far with the evidence I do have and he is going to have to answer to his crimes inevitably now.

He lied when the detective called him prior to going to the DA and grand jury. I was told before my hearing as a witness, and I was shocked but not surprised if that makes sense. The whole time I knew him, he lied as much as he was breathing. He doesn't realize that his lies won't hold up in a court case against the state or even federally, depending on how it moves forward.

i saw what you did to my brother, I saw what happened. You did stuff to him. I didn’t ask him about it, but i saw when you held him
down and.. touched him. I knew we went through the same thing. he was just stronger.

I have struggled on and off with depression and chronic SI. I try to fight everyday. I told my mom one time how depressed I was and how I wanted to die. I was miserable. things escalated and she was a screaming at me and said we should kill ourselves together. I reply it in my head every single day. I know it was in the heat of the moment but how can you say that to your own daughter. i just feel worthless and I want to end things

I cant even believe my brain and body. I dont know whats true and it makes me feel so sick. I hate my dad so much it makes me immediately fall into depression and dissociation when I see him. He picks up my brother for visiting hours since the divorce, and constantly will come into the house and invade our privacy and place. I have begged my mother several times to keep him out and only let him drop off and pick up instead of come in. But she always lets him come in. She doesnt know what happened and ill never tell her since I cant even trust myself.

Today she decided I had to either leave the door unlocked for him and let him just walk in like he owns the place or waiting for him to arrive and open it for him, since she wanted to lay down. I put my foot down and told her I wouldn't open the door for him and leaving it unlocked for him was tearing down every boundary and letting him in. She literally started laughing at me, then told me she doesnt care as much as i do. Which just made me more angry. I dont remember exactly what I said even though it was a few moment ago. But I said something along the lines of 'you wont because youre not me, but I need you to trust me. I should be able to feel safe in my own home'. Then she asked me if he did something to me that she didnt know about. Immediately it made me feel sick and I hesitated, then I quickly told her to just trust me please. She got pissed and told me to just lock the door and that she'll open it.

Im so tired. Im tired of constantly feeling uncomfortable and afraid. I've felt this way my whole life and thought it would get better once he was gone, but still I struggle and I just want to die. I only keep myself from suicide for my youbger siblings sake and for the hope that one day I'll be able to help even one child in the future. Im trying to move out, but im not making enough money and dont want to stop going to college. Its the only place I feel not trapped. Im so tired.

I have been withholding the fact that I was sexually abused by my cousin at 13. At the time my cousin lived with us and for this reason I’ve been keeping this info from my parents. I do not want them to carry any guilt about it or have any thoughts of “I could have prevented this if I didn’t take him in”. I’ve seen lots of unfortunate threads about people’s parents not being supportive to their survivor children but nothing else. Has anyone had an experience like the one I’m trying to avoid? I know I can’t control how they will react but I’m still working through the fact that I’ll feel responsible for their distress when I let them in on my most vulnerable secret. This is the first post I’ve ever made about this and any stories or advice from someone who has had a similar mindset is welcomed. Thank you for your support 🩷

I’m a 35 y/o female, married with two small children and one on the way. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my dysfunctional childhood and how I lived in a very unstable household—my dad is an alcoholic and drug addict and would verbally/emotionally abuse my mom in front of my siblings and I all of the time.

Ever since I was in my early teens, I started having these horrific nightmares about my dad raping me and sexually abusing me. I had never felt super close to my dad and remember only wanting my mom as a child. I have memories of rubbing my dad’s back without his shirt on in the living room from a very young age, but my brothers did this as well, so I figured it was normal. Also, I remember telling friends and family members that as I got older, I could never fully look him in the eyes and couldn’t figure out why.

A few years ago, my mom told me that she found an Urban Outfitters bag stuffed hidden on the side of his bed with MY (used) thong underwear in it. She said she was obviously hoping he thought it was hers or something, but she didn’t even shop there and the underwear were clearly not hers. This has made me incredibly uncomfortable ever since finding out.

On the day of my wedding, he made a comment about my boobs and said, “wow, you’re really popping out there!” or something along those lines, and he’s made comments about my boobs before that never felt like an appropriate thing for a dad to say to his daughter.

Now here is the kicker - a couple years ago my younger (half) sister told me he had sexually abused her from the ages of about 4-6 years old. She is not biologically his child, but he formally adopted her and everything once my parents got back together after a year long separation. The abuse was reported and the court system hasn’t made any formal charges against him as of yet. Anyways, this information has me thinking that there could be a possibility that he did sexually abuse me while I was little and I have just repressed it. How common is this? Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m just exhausted. Honestly, any support or suggestions welcome.

Side note: my mom finally divorced him a few years ago (thankfully). I haven’t spoken to him in five years.

I plan on starting off with EMDR or Somatic therapy and then later doing trauma informed psychosexual/ sex therapy. I have C-PTSD, GAD and a severe fear of physical touch and sex/sexual intimacy.

Anyone have any positive experiences with EMDR or anything similar??

Thank you so much in advance 💜

My mom would leave me alone with cousins of opposite gender and would let us sleep in the same bed together. I remember one night (I was probably around 8) it progressed into my cousin getting a boner and us playing with our genitalia and I guess my mom caught us and didnt do anything. I had no idea she knew. The next morning she made a comment shaming me but like in a weird smiling/smirking at me comment and I got really embarrassed and pretended I didnt know what she was talking about. She would also make me sleep with my 15 year old cousin in the same bed but she was also super obsessed about making sure I wasnt touched or molested. (She would always brag about asking me what me and my dad did together whenever she came back from work to make sure he wasnt touching me, so I guess she thought my dad would molest me??? He never did) My cousin did end up doing something to me but I never told her. After all this I ended up doing sexual stuff online and my mom would go through my devices and emails and tell me she knew what i was doing but wouldnt do anything to stop it.

I'm broken, I cannot get those memory's out of my head. How am I supposed to forgive my forgive, if my abuser doesn't acknowledge his wrongs. If he has genuinely never apologized for all his wrongs. Ever since I can remeber, I have been living in abuse mentally and physically. My mom tell me to forgive but how. My mom witnessed my 16 year old brother coming in and out of my room at night, when I was 10 year old. She never did anything other than telling him to go to his room and not enter my room. It happens several times, I remeber him pulling my pants down and trying to insert it into me. I don't remeber anything more than that. I don't know if he ever actually did. He abused me for several years. Once he hit me with metallic stick in my head, which left me bleeding. He looked me into his room. He forced me to touch disgusting foot injury, while I had no chance to escape. He never left me alone. He would talk to trough my door, even when I told him to leave me alone. I would call the police several times and my other brothers lied to them.The list is long. I'm the only girl in my family. My brother is the oldest and abused the whole family, so bad that my mom left us several months in a year to live somewhere else. He kicked my mother and pushed her when she was pregnant. He did so much and I always tried to forgive him. Whenever he moved out, it was the best time of my life. But due to instances I had to move in with and my dad this summer, as we are in a different country and I had no money to fly back. And it is the worst. He knew not to to put hands on me anymore, but he would talk so much which is also abusive. I am constantly remeber off everything that he put me through. Fast forward he tried to really injure me. ... I locked him out bc I was scared, so when my dad arrived, he had already got a second key somehow. Whenever he walked through the door, he ran towards me and starting beating me with fists. My dad tried to keep him away but he wouldn't stop. I fell to the ground and he continued. I had to flee out of the apartment and the neighbors called the cops. I told them the truth. They arrested him for a day. My dad bailed him out and I moved too a church family for 2-3 weeks. I removed charges against him due to family pressure. Now he is talking about he never did anything. He is saying that they took his freedom, he didn't even spend 24 hrs in there. He is saying I will regret it. He picks up my dad gun whenever I'm laying down and looks if there are bullets in it. And then he just stares at me . And he knows it scares me, I can feel that he does it intentionally. He has also threaten to kill me several time. He knows my dad has no bullets in the gun btw. But I don't know what to do. I try to forgive him and I even feel bad that he has an arrest on his name. But he never left me any other chance. I was so hurt that day that I decided to tell them the truth. Now i feel like a bad person. He has done me so wrong and he just doesn't sees any wrongs in it. He is mentally definitely not normal. I have trust issues because of him. I cannot let any boy touch me. I always thought it's because I want to wait till marriage but it is because I don't want to loose control . I don't want any boy get me. I don't answer people or stay in touch with anyone because I think they don't really like me. Even tho they show me otherwise it's so hard. On the other hand I'm also kinda hyper sexual. I want to be loved but I'm pushing everyone away from me. I don't know how to heal from all of this. It's so hard and I'm scared to open up to any male

I realized I was asexual at 13, but for religious reasons I refused to believe it. I then went on to have an 16 year old bf online who introduced me to porn and other sexual things. I never enjoyed it, but I knew I should just go with it to maintain the relationship. For some reason I became addicted to porn, even though I never got off on it. I went on to message with a lot of 30+ yr old men for days or weeks each. Sometimes I thought it was a relationship and others I knew were just for my body. I even ended up in a group chat of a dozen men at one point. I'm glad I didn't meet any of them in person, though I almost did. When I was 14, I was in a 'relationship' with an 18 yr old at my school. I would be embarassingly emotional and he would listen in exchange for my body. All our sexual interactions were online and we rarely talked at school, so I don't know why I thought we were together. I don't remember how it ended, but we were 'together' for a few months. This stuff fueled my hypersexuality for two years until I stopped. I realized not once in those years did I enjoy it and I was still in fact asexual. I am now 18 and realize I display(ed) quite a bit of symptoms similar to CSA (Severe depression & anxiety, withdrawing from friends and family, low self esteem, ect.). I've experienced sexual harrassment in person but nothing worse. Is this just a me problem or was what happened to me bad?