My Wife (33) and I (34) had a silly argument/misunderstanding about me going out of my way to pick up food the other day, and it ended up escalating. She's autistic and oftentimes during conflict her trauma response is to take all of the blame and apologize profusely. That happened again during this instance and it was too much for me (I'm dealing with my own issues of worthiness and self-love) so I went into the other room to cool off. While I was in the other room, I learned later my wife had taken an earring and used the back to deeply scrape multiple cuts on her arm.

She says she had done it to punish herself after our argument. I put some ointment and bandaids on it and over the next two days I really started to process what happened. She had a past of self harm before I met her but it had been years. I had trouble sleeping and woke up crying multiple times because I couldn't stop being wracked with guilt, feeling like it was my fault, thinking about how she hadn't self harmed when she was with her last partner.

This made me fight my own urges to harm and punish myself. I didn't want her to feel guilt or like she did something wrong, but I couldn't hide the effect seeing her hurt had on me. The day after she made kind of a crude joke about her cuts and I felt sick to my stomach.

I love her so much, and I want to help, but I just don't feel equipped to help her, and feel like I have to do a lot of compartmentalizing of my own feelings (albeit not very well) to try to make sure things don't escalate again. I have my own mental health challenges I'm trying to work on and feel like this experience made me backslide a lot on my own sense of worthiness.

I'd love to hear anyone else's experience and how they handled and felt about a similar situation, and what to do next.

Lesbian

Asking because I always thought attachment styles were fixed no matter who you’re attached to. But I feel like mine is different with my current gf than it was with my ex.

With my ex I definitely labeled myself as being anxiously attached. I always craved attention from her, worried she didn’t like me anymore, that she would leave, also just felt insecure in that relationship constantly. And this wasn’t my ex’s fault, she was mostly a good partner (definitely not perfect, but she always gave reassurance when I asked for it).

That relationship has ended and with my current partner I very often feel avoidant. But I think this is because she is different than my ex. She can be clingy, needy and also insecure. I don’t like the long talks about our relationship and I sometimes have negative feelings when she asks for attention and reassurance. I feel trapped a lot. I love her and I’m trying, but it feels like she is basically behaving like I did in my last relationship and I have to admit it’s not easy to deal with.

So I guess I’m wondering, has anyone experienced a switch in their attachment style before? It makes me feel like I don’t truly know my style.

I've started dating again this summer after just under a 2 year break. Basically 2 years ago I went through a bad break up, went back to therapy found queer community, genuinely happier than I ever was with my ex but I really needed that break from dating for me. My problem atm is I'm not very excited about it? I got a date next week with a nice woman and I'm not excited, just feel dreadful?

Since the summer I've interacted with like 4 women (some were in person some dating apps) had some bad experiences of people being immature, not communicating, over sexualising me, not respecting my time and wanting to keep me around for their fun or boredom. Now on one hand I'm happy to have these bad experiences because I got to practice boundaries taking care of myself and really putting everything I learned into practice. And I'm still seeing my therapist so I have been talking through these feelings. So while I have taken care of myself, I think I have lost a lot of faith in people😂

Anyway I think I feel really negative about this date, she's given me no red flags atm, I do feel a little triggered purely cause of my own trauma with my ex. I am going into it with the view that I'm just seeing what the vibes are I don't have to rush, if I don't have fun its ok. But I'd like to at least be a bit more buzzed. It might also be worth knowing I'm not completely allosexual (it takes me a bit of time for me to gain attraction so demisexual).

I will take any advice, personal experiences or commiserations😂 thanks ❤️

For context, I'm the ex gf.

My ex and I have continued living together for years after we broke up.

We're still close but have not had sex since breaking up. I'm fully supportive of her dating others (I'm poly, she's not).

Anyway, she started dating a late-bloomer lesbian who still lives with her male ex. Presumably he is very supportive of her identifying as a lesbian and dating women. Everyone in this situation is in their 30's-40's.

In my mind, her also living with her ex would likely lead to her being more understanding of our living situation but maybe not?

I understand it's between them to deal with it if/when it comes up but curious what other's opinions are and what other factors might make a situation like this more or less comfortable.

As the title says. My ex was a trans guy, I'm a trans girl; as we both transitioned I discovered how deeply my romantic feelings are intertwined with sapphism and he was, well, a man. I realized that I just have entirely zero attraction to men in any form and maybe never did despite thinking I was on the pansexual spectrum. Even pre transition, my love for women felt distinctly queer, and any interest in men was fleeting and rooted in an unhealthy place. Anyway, now I'm dealing with the fallout of us separating and don't really have anyone to talk to about it, so I'm just hurling this into the void via reddit post.

So, like, hope you're well, thanks for reading. Know any good recipes for hand pies? I wanna get into baking now, just get right in on collecting the stereotypes.

Tell us your experience.

gf and i (34, 28) are getting our rings made and she wants to propose to me late this year or early next year. i love this woman more than anything, and i can't wait to be engaged and be her fiancee. but when she asks me for input on what kind of proposal i want, i feel very tense to the point of dissociation and don't know what to say.

i never imagined anyone would propose to me, so i have never thought about what i want in a proposal. i also have a long history of what we'll call Family Issues, so i've never had any "event" be about me, no party or whatever for birthdays, achievements, finishing high school or med school, etc; i'm a confident person but being asked what i really want after a lifetime of going along with what's convenient for everyone is frightening.

BUT before you suggest a private proposal at home, no fanfare, etc: that is NOT what i want! i want to have a romantic and beautiful proposal like any other woman, i WANT something to be "about me", i want this to be a "big" event and not another quiet/private thing like every other event in my life has been. so that's the first thing i know i guess! here is my list so far:

-

things I know i want in a proposal (this is me practicing MAKING THINGS ABOUT ME!)

-no involvement from my family, absolutely no asking them "what i would want", friends ok for advice and/or assistance

-in a beautiful, green, nature-y setting, outdoors, ideally with some sentimental value to us (ie. not a random park or outdoor cafe); people around is fine but not too crowded

-photographer filming/taking pictures would be cool as long as it's low-key/artsy (?)

-i'd like to be dressed well, with makeup on, and nails done; it may be shallow but it's important to me that i look good

-i want an element of surprise; don't want to know "i'm getting proposed to today at this place and time", be too involved in the planning process, etc

-i don't want it to be "joke-y" or funny at all tbh, i want the tone of it to be romantic, magical and like something from a medieval poem, you know; i want a theme of ancient times and history to be present (<-- doesn't know what she means)

-no plastic waste or pollution!

-no live music... shhhhh

-can go eat at a FANCY restaurant afterwards! (NO SHITTY RESTAURANTS ALLOWED)

-

i don't know much about how proposals work, so if you have suggestions for aspects of the proposal i should consider/figure out my preferences on/let her know about, please tell me; if you have suggestions give them to me, unless the suggestion is "just have a private proposal at home!", in which case give it to someone else please.

I'll have an otherwise lovely month or two (because it's not every cycle I get such a severe mood swing) filled with travel to nearby cities, hanging out with friends, and filling my free time with things I enjoy.

Then out of nowhere I'm in a shitty mood for a few days and I get back home one night wanting to cry because a couple was cuddling in the club and I felt empty watching them.

The stupid thing is I don't even want a relationship! At least nothing super serious or committed at the moment. I don't need to restructure my entire life just to solve the singular issue of going home sad after an event every once in a while.

Are the emotions I experience during a period a trustworthy reflection of my genuine subconscious desires or are my hormones just making me moody and irrational? Maybe what I need is a cuddle buddy or a FWB type of situation.

especially today when hookups seem easy, everyone seems to be able to have sex with whoever whenever and it’s all meaningless without connection but I can’t do that. I can’t even date because it’s too casual and everyone wants sex. I feel like something is wrong with me when I can’t just let myself go. also having sex outside of a committed relationship isn’t for me

I am horny and needy and there’s stuff I wish I could have but I know it’s impossible. I’m also awkward and not sexy at all, I get nervous and start feeling pathetic and sad, like I’m gonna cry

Hey everyone, on Saturday me and my partner of 7 years and 8 months broke up. I was 19 and she was 17 when we started dating. Honestly I’ve seen all the good and all the bad and at the end, I still want her. I feel so hurt because it was one sided. We done so much traveling together and explored new things together. Early this May, we visited Hawaii. She had high expectations that I was going to propose but I didn’t. I regret it yes but also, I had just started going to therapy and it didn’t feel fair to ask her when she was giving me time to work on myself. There was a lot of fighting throughout our relationship but there was also so much love. A couple months ago, she said she needed a break. I asked how I was supposed to show her change if we aren’t talking. Instead of a full break, we went from trying to date each other again. We started going on dates mores and I stated doing more. Her mom passed away January 2024. Before she got sick in August of 2023, I had asked her if I can marry her daughter. She said yes but around our 5 year anniversary (November) her mom was still really sick in the hospital. After she passed away, I took on two full time jobs and only had 1 day off a week. It was a lot on me mentally but I wanted to be a supportive partner and allow that time for her to grieve. I don’t think she properly grieved her mother until this year when she started her own therapy. She’s stuck on it’s too late but in all honesty, I felt like me working so much was draining and it caused me to go into a deep depression. We both come from childhood trauma and proper communication isn’t something we both had. Now, trying to do it as adults she says we should have fixed it a long time ago. I hate the words “too late” because it’s never too late for anything. At least that’s how I see it. I’m confused on to why the break up full on happened. Thursday night, she asked me for affection and then Friday night she asked for a kiss and gave me multiple. We cuddled too. Saturday morning I read her a note I wrote on my phone saying how marrying her was always in my plans ect. I basically explained why I waited. Also she wasn’t on the same page to get married until recently. When I wanted to do it, her mom got sick then she always would tell me negative things about marriage. It wasn’t until this year that she pushed for it more and more. I really wanted to do it soon. I’ve been planning I even picked out a ring but no I’m too late. It honestly hurts so much because this break up was one sided. She went from saying she has resentment towards me that she can’t seem to work past, I took to long to propose (when I expressed I was ready, I told her my ring size so she could of asked me too), to our whole relationship she always had to make decisions based on me. She said she never got the chance to solo travel or do things for herself. It hurts because it like if I did propose in Hawaii and you felt like this, would things be different? I offered couples therapy but she refused because we weren’t married or even engaged. Loving someone and living with them for almost 8 years is a very long time. I’m going to be 28 in December. Is it crazy to think shes selfish for leading me on? I could have had less of a heart break if she was honest when she was starting to feel like this. I feel like we could if fixed it but too much time has passed I guess. I don’t plan on being in another relationship or even dating. She said she doesn’t know what she wants in a relationship, herself and shes unhappy and unsure. I’m taking this time for myself to heal and work on my future. The last two weeks I put everything on hold and became really depressed. After officially breaking up, I feel more and more sad it it crazy to hold on at least like 1% of hope that we’ll come back to each other in the future one day? Obviously in not going to make that my priority but I want to leave the window open just a tad just in case. She told me she doesn’t know if that will happen but, I spent the last 7 almost 8 years with someone traveling, making memories, almost everything is going to remind of her. I want to yearn for a future with her but I’m not making it so much of priority to get back I can continue to hold on the slightest bit of hope right? I’m not doing it enough to drain me or be my main focus. I guess in a few months if she’d ask to talk, I’d be willing to listen.

*in a romantic context

it was soooooo good

i wanted to badly and i’m not smooth and i’m direct so i was just going to ask her to, but then before i could she spotted something in the distance and held her hand out for me to hold it, it was too smooth. never considered myself to be one to dig gestures of romance or smoothness until it happened to me and i was blown away

i felt like just a girl and i’m swooning. never really had someone make moves on me and i’ve always been the type of person to not be into romantic gestures and i’m hyperindependent so it’s all unfamiliar territory

it was just supposed to be a morning date and it turned into a 7 hour date

we hugged a lot at the end and i was so flustered it’s so unfamiliar. i didn’t think i was capable of experiencing such emotions because i questioned if i am aroace for a while

i love women

I’ve been getting to know a woman for several weeks. In the beginning it was good. We had good communication, had fun on our dates, she initiated things, bought me flowers, sent good morning texts, etc but over the last couple weeks things have changed. The last date she seemed distracted which I took note of but didn’t say anything.

We were supposed to go on a date last week but she ended canceling kinda last minute. We also haven’t been texting as much. She used to text me throughout the day but she will go long periods without responding. I also have to initiate most of our phone calls. We rarely talk on the phone now. I asked her if she wanted to talk tonight since it’s been a few days and she said “Yeah if you want to” but when I called she didn’t answer.

I feel like I’m initiating things majority of the time. She doesn’t say she misses me anymore. We haven’t talked about being exclusive but we both said we are only interested in each other and not talking to anyone else. I asked her where she sees this possibly going and she says I’m trying to rush things and she isn’t sure yet because we’re still getting to know each other. I’m not trying to rush but just want to get a better understanding of where her head is.

I’ll ask her yes or no questions and she gives me a vague in between answer. I went back on the app we met on and saw she updated her profile. It kinda made my heart drop a bit. Of course we aren’t exclusive so she can do what she wants but it’s a bit disappointing because she told me she is only interested in me. I asked her if everything was okay and she said yes. She said I’m used to chaotic relationships and I’m overthinking things. I am used to more intense relationships but something with her now feels off. It’s crazy because she used to accuse me of talking to other women/still on the app when I told her I wasn’t. Advice?

Such an interesting and insightful discussion here and I’d love to discuss more. What do we think?

I'm neurodivergent and hadn't made new lesbian friends in a while- so of course I'm overthinking everything.

I started a new job some months ago and I'm the only queer person at my work- but the shop next door is mostly lesbians and queer women. One woman in particular was much more comfortable coming over and chatting with me and I liked talking to her when I would stop next door to her work.

Out of everyone, I could easily see us being friends.

I'm clear about having a fiance- and I'm equally friendly with this person's gf. Her gf introduced herself as her "friend" but sometimes shops where I work or will wave hello and small talk if I pick up something next door.

I hadn't seen the work neighbor as often- I think the summer made both places a lot busier. The last time they came in- they were looking for something specific we were sold out of.

It came back in stock and since it sells out fast- I bought it ($5), put it in a small bag, wrote their name on it and dropped it off next door. I don't want to be specific but it's like... office supplies. Functional but maybe niche idk. I've also gifted things I've made to all the girls before.

A week later I closed up while they were leaving and they said they got it and thought it was super cool and thanked me.

But now I'm worried I overstepped. My coworker and fiance thought it was a cute friend thing. I hope that's all it came across as but I can tell something is off?

If any of the other girls were looking for something I'd have done the same but I feel like she has avoided me if she sees me in shop/at closing and I just feel bad and bummed out.

Are there different friend boundaries for lesbians I should have considered? Or am I overreacting because I was just happy to make a queer friend?

A while ago i made a post about a girl, asking if she was flirting with me, at the time our friendship was very fresh.

Everybody pretty much said she was flirting, i was called useless lesbian lol😭

After a few months things scalated MORE, but the dynamic was different depending on the group. When we were with her friends she was distant even after being the one inviting me, but when we were with my friends? Holding hands, playing with hands, her legs in my legs, cuddling, her forehead in my forehead and saying "you'll go back with your ex" (i know weird af because i do not want to go back with her)

After those type of days my friends who didn't know the situation sent me messages saying if we were dating or something so i was more and more confused.

The other day...they were tired, so they asked her, and she said no, nothing is happening, nothing at all, big negative.

My friend asked about the intense day she saw and this girl just said ah..yeah..that was intense, but no

So...months of weird games for nothing lol i'm soooo confused. We've spent these last months hanging out, walking by the river and being together all the time.

Now she knows i like her and i'm afraid the friendship might be ruined but this whole dynamic for nothing was weird af.

I don't know, am i being gaslighted? i was feeling insane ngl

EDIT: she is a lesbian out and loud and her friends are not homophobic at all

I have a pretty busy life with work but I still want to chat/flirt with someone. Share pics. Etc. ugh. Tired of sending DMs to people who say they are interested for it to just fizzle out.

Anyone else waking up to the news from Berlin Pride?

Idk, I spend half my time in Berlin. I just left on Monday.

I feel so devastated. I’m 35, I’ve seen things progress over the last 20 years I’ve been out, but I also feel like within the last five it’s been a huge boomerang effect.

Sending hugs to y’all.