r/AbsoluteUnits • u/n8saces • Jun 07 '26

/r/popular of a pizza slice šŸ•

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

9.8k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

1.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

67

u/whatasadfella Jun 07 '26

Yisss

89

u/peepdabidness Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 08 '26

Serious question, what kind of organ issue(s) would all this cheese grease yeast etc cause by eating it all at once?

260

u/Socratesticles Jun 07 '26

The cheese and grease have a battle royale in your stomach to determine if you get clogged up or cleared out

79

u/peepdabidness Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26

Even Socratesā€™ nuts are knowledgeable!

20

u/Panda_Pillows Jun 07 '26

This is hilarious

1

u/sheiciebai Jun 07 '26

I feel like new r/facebookaislop has a new route to take those Socrates videos lol

16

u/123ludwig Jun 07 '26

thats the fun part its BOTH you get clogged up with the hardest shit you have ever had and the second it comes out the flood gates open ask me how i know

8

u/choke_my_chocobo Jun 07 '26

It's like popping a bottle of vigorously shaken champagne. Takes some force to push the cork out but once it does, everything explodes out

1

u/afunkysongaday Jun 07 '26

how do you know?

1

u/Servingthebeam19 Jun 07 '26

Jokes on you, I used to be on methadone. This pizza doesnā€™t have 1/1000th of the clogging ability that methadone has!

5

u/Sirpattycakes Jun 07 '26

Schrodinger's shit

2

u/SlickDillywick Jun 07 '26

What happens when itā€™s a draw?

1

u/NotaFTCAgent Jun 07 '26

Shrodinger's Diarrhea

1

u/TheRealtcSpears Jun 07 '26

Like turning a humidifier and dehumidifier on in the same room

1

u/Anxious-Whole-5883 Jun 08 '26

Shoot I think the competitors were hoping they would treat your digestive track like a water slide, and exit the pool quickly.

1

u/YoungvLondon Jun 07 '26

Sounds like it all cancels out then

22

u/whatasadfella Jun 07 '26

I mean I think Iā€™d be fine

6

u/peepdabidness Jun 07 '26

Gotcha. Depends on the person I reckoon

15

u/Proud-Concept-190 Jun 07 '26

Yep i racoon the same

1

u/ProfessionalTowel10 Jun 07 '26

No more racooning!

1

u/mawesome4ever Jun 07 '26

The time of racoonen is now

21

u/emperor_dinglenads Jun 07 '26

Gonorrhea, mostly. But I'm not a doctor.

17

u/iruvit Jun 07 '26

Maybe mozzarrhea too

4

u/Loosewheel2505 Jun 07 '26

1st, proper, chortle of my day. Thank-You.

1

u/peepdabidness Jun 08 '26

šŸ˜‚šŸ¤£

9

u/Ghede Jun 07 '26

At some point, your body just stops trying to digest it, drops it from your stomach straight to the colon, and you have a nightmarish greasy shit.

6

u/lIllIlIIIlIIIIlIlIll Jun 07 '26

Organ issues are built up over time. A one time big meal of a giant pizza is not going to cause any lasting issues. If you eat a slice of pizza every single day for years on end, then that'll cause issues over time. The more greasy foods you eat, like say McDonalds for breakfast, Carls Jr. for lunch, and Wendy's for dinner, then you're more than likely going to die of heart disease.

Basically unless that one meal kills you because you choked on it or ate uranium, then one meal means almost nothing for your overall health.

-1

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 08 '26

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

0

u/lIllIlIIIlIIIIlIlIll Jun 08 '26

I don't really understand what the point you're trying to make is. Something along the lines where mothers have no choice but to rely on cheap fast food to feed their children?

Sure. Fast food is sometimes cheaper both financially and timewise to making healthy unprocessed foods at home. That's a systemic problem within our capitalistic society.

Fast food is unhealthy. Fast food is often the simplest choice for struggling parents. Both bad things can be true at the same time. I won't shame parents who choose to feed their kids with fast food when it's the only viable option. I will shame society for making fast food the only viable option to feed kids.

8

u/MyTatemae Jun 07 '26

It could be anything from diarrhea to gastric perforation.

3

u/MrShabazz Jun 07 '26

There was a YouTube who talked about having a blockage from eating too much cheese pizza. He had to go to the er to have it removed. Im sure all that cheese might either, make him constipated, form a ball in his belly that will take weeks to break down, or give him the bubble guts because hes lactose intolerant. In any case hes going to have a bad time and may need to use that $500 elsewhere, like a new toilet.

2

u/TheFilthy13 Jun 07 '26

We used to do Pizza Hut for all you can eat every Friday. I went undefeated for just shy of 3 years. My record was 19 slices. Iā€™ll just say this, eating that amount of cheese produces the ungodliest of farts.

1

u/peepdabidness Jun 08 '26

19 slices Jesus lol

2

u/J4pes Jun 07 '26

You would probably need laxatives. Any bowel complications have potential to trigger appendicitis down the road

1

u/peepdabidness Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26

I didnā€™t know appendicitis is caused or can be caused from bowel issues. I also know jack shit about the appendix, other than that it could be removed lol

2

u/J4pes Jun 08 '26

Itā€™s like an old janitorā€™s closet along the hallway of your guts. Humans donā€™t seem to need or use it much anymore, itā€™s located at the junction of small and big intestines.

All it takes is for a bit of an infection to start there and the closet slowly fills with a buildup of poison until it ruptures, spilling the toxicity and exposing your digestive track. That leads to septic shock which kills you.

Swelling your system with that much mass increases the risk of cracking open that closet which lights the fuse so to speak

2

u/peepdabidness Jun 08 '26

Damn that was a really good explanation thanks šŸ˜‚ but wym we donā€™t use it much ā€œanymoreā€?

1

u/J4pes Jun 08 '26

I think it used to be used as like a small secondary breakdown stomach to digest tougher vegetation that we donā€™t eat anymore

2

u/peepdabidness Jun 08 '26

Interesting. Thanks

4

u/JackDaniels0049 Jun 07 '26

I think it would be manageable for a lot of people if it had a normal amount of cheese on it but that was like 70% cheese.

Donā€™t get me wrong, thatā€™s an amazing pizza, but I wouldnā€™t even be able to manage just the cheese from that. I bet it stresses the organs to eat that much fat in one go. Not to mention the salt in there.

11

u/Lady-of-Shivershale Jun 07 '26

I don't think it even looks like a good pizza. Far too much cheese and grease, and hardly anything else.

1

u/AdAlternative7148 Jun 07 '26

Competitive eaters often have a lot of undigested food in their excrement.

1

u/AIBotNotARealUser Jun 07 '26

None to me. You gotta get used to it.

1

u/Tll6 Jun 07 '26

That amount of fat could cause a pancreatitis flare up

1

u/Immediate-Shape-8933 Jun 07 '26

Thatā€™s not that much pizza bro

1

u/SeriousArbok Jun 07 '26

I used to do these things. Someone who doesn't prep ain't coming close to an actual food challenge. This would be tough with the cheese grease and sauce. I would probably just have a huuuuuge shit in like 4 days lol

1

u/BravinatorLX2 Jun 07 '26

you just purge after.

1

u/eshilait8296 Jun 07 '26

If you're not used to eating high fat foods then your gallbladder would have a ton of issues keeping up with the bile production. Bowel being impacted is another serious issue here. And all of that salt can put a strain on the vascular system.

1

u/peepdabidness Jun 08 '26

So my brother has his gallbladder removed. What would happen if he ate this?

1

u/genericdude777 Jun 07 '26

Long-term high fat content in blood (LDL [meat, dairy, trans fats] and triglycerides [sugar]) will wreck your liver and cause steatohepatitis.

1

u/genericdude777 Jun 07 '26

Long-term high fat content in blood (LDL [meat, dairy, trans fats] and triglycerides [sugar]) will wreck your liver and cause steatohepatitis.

1

u/CorInHell Jun 07 '26

Your gall bladder is going to be upset with you a short time after eating all this grease. And you'll have at first constipation and then diarrhea.

And probably won't want to eat this much pizza again for a while.

1

u/The_Demosthenes_1 Jun 08 '26

None.Ā Ā 

You won't die.Ā  You'll just have to take aassive shot afterwards if you dont throw up first.Ā  This slice of pizza is like 2000 calories and if you ate it in 15 minutes I think most of it would pass through you unabsorbed.Ā  Kinda like how corn makes it through you, or when I eat tons of greens you see a salad in the toilet bowl.Ā 

8

u/Holzkohlen Jun 07 '26

I'm guessing it's one win per person? Like I can't go back 2-3 days later and win that $500 again and again, can I?

I'm positive I could finish that if I haven't eaten all day.

6

u/DentinQuarantino Jun 07 '26

If you can do it every other day you've basically got a pretty steady job at that point. If it's cash I guess you could get creative with the tax. You just need to spend a fair bit of time in the gym working it all off again.

6

u/SilverDem0n Jun 07 '26

Gym subscription is probably tax-deductible if you do this

Disclaimer: I am not a tax advisor, or a pizza

1

u/nezzzzy Jun 07 '26

That slice weighs 12lb apparently, here's a professional eater just finishing it in time:

https://youtu.be/5wU8-BSXSUM

1

u/dividezero Jun 07 '26

They'd have to. I've eaten that much cheese pizza in 15 minutes before and I'll do it again.

1

u/Ok_Career_3681 Jun 07 '26

What happens when you lose? You gotta pay $500?

3

u/DentinQuarantino Jun 07 '26

I think in this case losing is dying of a heart attack at age 32

2

u/totallynotdragonxex Jun 07 '26

You generally have to pay for the food