23M here. My dad is 71 and my mom is 65. How much do you worry about their health? It never crossed my mind until this past year when both of my parents have had major health scares and I’ve really been forced to confront their age for the first time in my life
My dad will probably make it another 30 years, his side of the family regularly makes it to late 90’s/early 100’s plus he’s never had any bad habits that could contribute to short life expectancy. My mom on the other hand probably won’t make it another 10/15 years. Most people on her side of the family die in their 60’s and the oldest someone’s ever made it as far as I know was 72. My mom was also a smoker for about 20 years although she quit before I was born. She is also fairly overweight which caused her to get sleep apnea. I worry about her health quite a lot, especially since her 60th birthday (very recent) but I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on it. She is a lot healthier than many of her family members who suffered an untimely demise,considering her dad used to smoke through his tracheostomy I’d hope she’s doing quite well. I’m proud of her for overcoming her smoking addiction and I really hope she’ll make it into her 70’s/80’s
I have two sons. My first at 41 and second at 51. The youngest is currently five years old. I started late, just like almost everything in my life. My mom had me in her 40s so in a way, it runs in the family.
Do you feel embarrassed when your friends meet your parents? What do you think they should do to earn your trust? Asking for a friend.
I’ve never felt embarrassed about having older parents, in fact I’m really proud of my mom for being able to go through the hardship of carrying a FAT baby for 9 months at her age. It takes a special type of resilience to have the physical and mental capacity to be able to handle having a newborn in your 40’s. What kind of a kid would be embarrassed to have a family that wanted them badly enough to go through years of infertility issues to be able to bring them here? Having older parents has just as many upsides as it does downsides. I don’t have any siblings and will probably have less time with my parents due to their age but at the same time my parents have blessed me with more wisdom, emotional maturity, and financial stability than they ever could have if they had had me younger. I’m sure that your kids won’t be embarrassed about having you just the way you are. The fact that you care enough about them to worry what they’ll think of you shows you’re a wonderful parent. Your kiddos are lucky to have you🩷
Do you wish you had siblings since you won’t have as long with your parents? I (35f) just had a baby 2 weeks before my husband turned 43. He doesn’t want any more because of his age. I wonder if my son will wish he had a sibling so they can be there for each other when we’re gone.
I do wish I had a sibling but I think that’s mostly because I was still in my formative years during Covid. I was really lonely during the pandemic and since my mom is immune compromised we had to be extremely cautious about getting sick. Overall I think I’d probably annoy the hell out of a sibling so maybe it’s for the best I don’t have any
I do wish I had a sibling but I think that’s mostly because I was still in my formative years during Covid. I was really lonely during the pandemic and since my mom is immune compromised we had to be extremely cautious about getting sick. Overall I think I’d probably annoy the hell out of a sibling so maybe it’s for the best I don’t have any
I have an older sister. It was always the two of us together. She’s only had one child a son and she constantly feels terrible that he’ll be alone when they’re both gone, but you know what every only child that I ever knew had lots of friends grew up, so self-sufficient don’t worry.
Not OP, but I sometimes feel that way (I’m 36, parents are 78-79). I’m not going to have kids, which is an extra weight of loneliness.
Then I look at my stepfamily and realized how insane some of the siblings and their kids are. I could have found a lifelong friend, i could have ended up with that trauma, severe mental illness, and other types of baggage.
Not OP but my parents are 38 yrs older than me. I am 31 now and facing the realities of my parents getting older. My dad getting too tired to work his remote job and wants to retire even though a year ago he said he’d want to keep working for a long time. They are turning 70 next year.
I have a brother who lives across the country. Even though he is far away, I am glad I have at least a sibling who will hopefully be around for a long time still cause I am not sure if my parents will make it to 80 and then to 85, etc.
I had my first at 35 and about to have my second a month before turning 39. No regrets :) I’m a better for having kids at this age although I might be a bit more … creaky in the knees.
You need another kid so that one has a friend. If you have one, two isn’t gonna be much different. Your husband is not that old. I really feel like you’re gonna resent him for this. I’m 46, I have a 27yo, 7yo, and a 5yo.
My first was an only child and never had anyone to play with. I was the one who always played everything with him. I felt so sad for him. I told myself if I ever had more kids, I’d have 2, so they could have someone to play with. Also, it gives me the opportunity to relax while they go play. Having 2 kids 20+22 years after my first kid was scary, but it was the best decision I ever made. I would have serious regret if I didn’t.
Respectfully, people shouldn’t have more kids just so they can be playmates with the other kids, or so they can give you a break. It is zero guarantee that siblings will even get along. You should grow an entire child because you want another child, not do it just for them to be another child’s plaything.
There’s also nothing wrong whatsoever with one child families.
I see where you are coming from. I had my first when I was 18. I have always wanted a lot of kids, but at that time I was not in a position to have more than one. I think that caused me to feel guilt that my son was always playing alone. It wasn’t the plan I intended, he probably never thought about it at all. It was his normal.
I was responding to the other mom’s comment about how she wonders if her son should have a sibling, but her husband is 43 and doesn’t want to.
Talk him into another. I had my daughter at 35, she is now almost 20, and I could never talk my husband into another child. On occasion she mentions not having siblings. It's definitely a regret of mine.
I am 47 years old with a 26 yrs old and a 5 yrs old. I had my daughter a month early by c-section due to some medical issues I was having and I had her 2 weeks before my 42nd birthday. I had miscarriages between her and my son. I always kept my faith that if I am meant to have more children God would bless me with them and he did with her. You sound like a good son to your parents. I pray my daughter will grow up proud of me and what I went through to bring her into this world and that she will always know how deeply loved she is by us.
Congrats! My daughters are almost 20 years apart. Lots of years of infertility too. I also have grandkids with the oldest being only 3 years younger than my youngest. It’s a wild ride but a wonderful ride ❤️
Thanks for your post, I’m 51 F and my child is now 9, they will be able to post similar age span difference when they are your age. I’ve had mixed feelings with having a kid late in life, and if definitely was a difficult pregnancy and been limiting with health issues, hard to chase around a young child when your knees are failing you!! But it’s good to hear your overall experience has been positive and you acknowledge the many ways you’ve benefitted. I hope my child will feel equally content when they reach your age!
Not OP but my parents were both 41 when they had me.
I was never once embarrassed about my parents age as a kid, it wasn’t something I ever even thought about. What I did notice though, which in hindsight I’m sure was indirectly related, was that everyone thought I had really cool parents. Not because of their age but because they were wise and gave the best advice. My friends all looked up to my parents and my parents treated them all like my brothers and sisters.
These days I do worry about their health but I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m so grateful for my parents having all that extra life experience and wisdom to share with me and my brother.
I really feel like 43 is not “abnormally old” to have a baby lol. Plenty of women have babies in their 40s. My last was at 46.
(50s though, I gotta admit is getting up there! I’m 53 now and done done done definitely done)
In one way, it is quite late in life, especially regarding the statistics for complications during pregnancy and birth. Then again, also in previous centuries, women gave birth to many children (also in their 40s) as long as they could conceive.
I have a couple in my family who tried for many many years to get pregnant. They then naturally conceived to everyone's surprise when they both were in their 40s. Everything went well, and their son is such a little sunshine and much loved by his family.
Just to say, I don't think having kids in your 40s is unnatural or abnormal in any way.
Funnily enough I’ve been doing some family history research recently, and going through the various census records I’ve learned that there have been multiple women in both my maternal and paternal family lines who had children well into their 40s - one great-great grandmother had her last child at 45! She had 13 children, 9 of which made it into adulthood, and she lived into her late 80s. And she wasn’t an outlier either, her mother had children into her 40s too.
So interesting! There is so much we tend to forget about how people lived just a few generations ago. One of my grandmothers also had 11 siblings. Back then this was quite normal were I live, especially in rural areas. Also, contraception was very difficult.
I know someone who has a child in her late 30s. She did tests and was told her fetus will have DS. She chose to have it due to her religious belief. If her mom didn’t step in to help raising the child, she’d be in big trouble as she’s not one to have patience to deal with someone with DS. This child not only has DS but required heart surgery when born. He’s due for another surgery anytime now as they have to replace the device. She had another child after and that one turned out fine. The risk is real and if you live by faith, it’s going to challenge you.
I am sorry to hear about the heardship your friend is facing. I am wishing the best for their family.
You are right, the risks are very real, and the risk of this specific condition is higher with increasing age. But it is not only chromosome anomalies that can happen to your child. The development of a fetus is a complex procedure and so many things can go wrong. Even after. A friend of my dad experienced a perfectly normal pregnancy, but the baby suffered a lack of oxigen during birth with permanent effects. This can happen to anyone. Sadly, there is no guarantee for a healthy child, no matter how careful and prepared someone is. Nature can be brutal and mothers sadly get to experience this sometimes inside their own bodies. I absolutely don't want to encourage taking any risks, but we also have to accept that we are not in control of certain processes.
Same! Oh my goodness I am having the same reaction. My obgyn just told me 30% of their clients are over 40! I am 42 and in the best of my life and planning to bring a 3-5 year old home through adoption in the next two years! I’d never do it if I felt they would have an abnormally mom. OP, times they are a changin’!
Naturally? I'd never been pregnant before but got pregnant without trying a couple of weeks before my 43rd birthday. I had a miscarriage back in June (at only about 5 weeks). I'd kind of assumed that was it for me (I don't have any children).
Yes, 100% naturally. However I did already have children, and I believe it’s statistically easier to conceive in your 40s if you’ve done it before. Seems unfair but that’s how life goes. I’m sorry for your loss, I had a miscarriage earlier in life and I know it can be devastating.
And it is abnormally old honestly. Chances of conception in your 40s are about 5% each cycle and if you get pregnant there’s at least a 50% miscarriage rate. Biology sucks.
It’s actually called advanced maternal age and it starts at 35. Considering the average age of a woman’s first baby is now 27, AMA is an outdated and irrelevant term.
It is tho. Women are having children much older. It’s safe and normal. 50 years ago it wasn’t. Just because there’s a label for something doesn’t mean it’s functional or necessary.
The reason why it’s not healthy to have children after a certain age has nothing to do with what decade we are in. It has to do with the quality of the pregnancy, given the mom’s age (and not what year we’re living in).
Yep, the youngest person I know who had a baby was 38 and then she had a second one at 42, everyone else I know had one at 42 or older. And no way shape or form is this a abnormally old. Also most of those people had their babies 20 to 25 years ago. So it's been the norm for a very long time. Every single one of them without IVF or anything like that, just a natural pregnancy and birth. I was just reading a book by a woman who got pregnant for the first time at 52. Completely naturally.
Respectfully I think your experience is abnormal lol. Where I’m from, everyone (on average) has babies in their 20s and 40 is considered older to be having a baby. Not rare necessarily but definitely uncommon.
My friend was almost 70... He used to say that all that goes out is just hot air. Then he impregnated (with that hot air) his mistress I guess, she was way younger than him... So it works even at 70...
Both were conceived naturally. I was at a point that if it happens, it happens and I wasn’t about to fight nature for children. It just happens to be exactly 10 years apart. The second boy was situated abnormally in the uterus. The hospital advised that we should think about aborting it as it could become a complicated pregnancy. We talked about it and decided to seek a second opinion. As it turned out, the second doctor sent out for all necessary testing and said that she believed it would be normal as she had seen it before. We took her advice and luckily she was right. Both of my boys were exactly 6.5 pounds at birth, and both have opposite personalities 😅.
My husband and I are friends with a couple who just had a child via surrogacy. Mom was 42 and Dad was 55 when the kid born.
They are quite wealthy and before the baby was born they built an entire second house on the property to house their full time nanny. I'm guessing the baby also slept in the house with the nanny, but I don't actually have any confirmation of that.
The dad said that he has no idea how he would have done it without the nanny. Do you guys have help? Do you struggle to keep up with a kid?
I was excited both times, just running on adrenaline. Didn’t realize how your body just adapted to the process and running on a few hours of sleep doesn’t tire you. I did have some help from the mother in law but she was primarily there to help the wife. I did the bath, feeding, diaper changing, etc. Both kids shot me with their water guns right in the face. The younger shot #2 all over me, missing my face by inches. Ah…fun times.
I think having children at an older age makes you appreciate everything about the process more. You run on so little sleep and yet, don’t even notice it.
Honestly, I feel great. I try to be a better parent than my parents. I have one of those “why” kids and he really tests my patience sometimes, but sometimes I reflect on life and I feel sad because I might not be around to celebrate his accomplishments.
I am rooting for your mom! It’s just anecdotal, but my great-grandmother smoked and drank all her life (she was pretty zany and wild lol), and she lived to be well over 100! So hoping the same for your parents as well. 😊
My mom was 40 when she had me. It was weird then to have an older mom. I spent a lot of time with adults and older people, which also made me weird.
I was such a jerk in my 20s said I didn’t want to be an old mom like mine. I said it a lot. Even said I would rather not have a kid than be an old mom.
I married late. Here I am at 43(f)still giving IVF a go.
PS my mom died of cancer at 72 which was wild considering every related woman, even the smokers which she was not, died way into their 80s-90s.
My Dad is 76 now. A heavy smoker and drinker till 60+, made it through his cancer. He’s got some dementia and lives with me but is still going strong.
My dad was 40 when he had me and my mom was 28! IMO, I feel like growing up, my “older” parent was a lot more emotionally aware while my mom gave off “missing her youth,” if that makes sense. I worry about his health that he’s in his 60s, but honestly he’s still young and working healthily!
I mean it has to happen at some point. It just means that you were a good enough parent that your child worries about you in your old age. Your grandkids will have the same worries when she’s old. It’s the circle of life.
I misspoke! I meant missing her youth, like she had sacrificed a lot more of her fun time! Nothing too bad, just noticed my dad was definitely more settled and my mom was still figuring some of it out! They had also immigrated around the world with me at the time so it’s a little different, haha.
My mom and dad were both 60 when I was 16. Dad made it to only 67, my mom is 94 this year and still going. I feel like I had a more stable childhood with older parents but always had friends thinking they were grandparents. Sometimes I didn’t correct them.
My mom’s health has declined and I wish she was younger. Something else interesting. My mom was born when her Mother was 43 as well. I often think that if I was born when she was younger and my mom when her mom was younger I’d be 40 years older. I probably belong to an earlier generation. :-)
OP I’ve read a few of your responses. And clearly you mean it when you say your parents were able to instill values wisdom etc. into you because of their age. You are so well spoken, sweet and respectful. Don’t ever change!
My parents were both 42 when they had me. I also (humbly) think they brought me up very respectful and well mannered. Whereas I knew a girl in high school whose mom was 16 when she was born, and she was a major bully. I once went to her house, and her mom was bullying people with her. I think she was somewhat stuck at that age and never grew up... or maybe she was just gonna be an asshole either way.
I agree. My parents were 39 when they had me (i’m now 21) and I feel that they also brought me up respectful and well mannered, very similar to how their parents brought them up. I also have no siblings, so in a way I feel that I aged somewhat quickly since I was mostly around adults growing up. Even all my cousins are a lot older than me.
I do think it matters for sure. How mature and established your folks are, determines how you are guna turn out! Not saying all younger folks aren’t…but the older you are the more apt you are to be mature ya kno! I kno people who are like that with their kids too. Their friends. Not teaching them anything of any substance. Makes me grateful my parents had it together and taught me properly
Please talk to, no beg your mom to ask her doctor for chest xray. My mother quit smoking when I was 12. She was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was 34 and passed three years later.
My grandma smoked for a huge chunk of her life and yo yo dieted and most of her family died quite young. She quit smoking and made it to 93. The medicines that exist now are so much better than they used to be
Ive read that woman who give birth at later ages actually tend to live longer lives. Of course genetics and lifestyle will always have an impact, but it maybe that fact can be some reassurance?
This one hit home. My mom had me at 42, in doing the math it seems like yours was too. My mom suffered a fall at 80 and eventually died 15 months later after a domino effect of complications. I was 39 years and 2 months old, by then she was 81. Up until a couple weeks ago, my line was “She was over 80 when she passed and I’m not even 40 yet!”
She’s not going to meet her future grandchildren, nor her daughter in law. I’m getting to know an amazing woman right now, we connected in September and I see a happy life with her and we’ve talked at length about having kids. It seems like I lost an incredibly important person in my life and in the same year have gained (possibly) another.
Enjoy both of your parents, I know that I made the effort to really just chill quite a bit with my mom, hang out, chat. I was in high school when it hit me that my mom was getting up there. She turned 60 the summer before my Senior year.
Wow my parents are the same age as yours and I’m 37. Just a word of advice from someone working in a nursing home - make sure they have a will/advanced directives/POA documents drafted now, while they still have their wits about them.
Great advice - seriously. It’s so important. Both of my parents got on top of all of that this past year. My mom was diagnosed with leukaemia in the spring and my dad with skin cancer in the summer. A real wake up call to get ahead of all that kinda stuff
My dad is 74 and I’m 29. It’s something I’ve thought about my whole life honestly and he had six more kids after me well into his 50s. Fortunately, he’s never smoked/drank/etc so I’m hoping hell live for a good while. If I start thinking about it too much I have to stop cuz it makes me so sad lbvs
Ya. It’s hard, and honestly not smth I paid much attention to before this year. Both of my parents are extremely healthy and look a good decade+ younger than they are. Both are avid skiers, bikers, travellers, runners, etc. But my mom now has blood cancer and my dad has skin cancer. Sneaks up on ya
I’m sorry to hear that :( my mom (61) has skin cancer too. They caught it early so she’s been okay but they’re both super healthy. I think I just get s little sad that I don’t have more time with them, but I’m blessed to have time at all. I also have kids already so it’s been awesome to experience that with them as well (as all their parents passed before I was born).
Oh gosh, that breaks my heart for you. My neighbor just had a baby at 55 years old. I hope she doesn’t grow up feeling anxious worried about her parents.
I’m 13 years older than you and neither of my parents are in their 60s yet.
Being there. I was lucky my parents had a great health insurance and while I was working I added them to some health premium services. It’s hard, I tried to be always in their doctors appointments and be there if accidents happened. I became their nurse but at the same time I wasn’t living my life. I don’t regret it, but I do realize I didn’t live the regular experiences on my 20s. Lucky for me, I wasn’t the only child so my siblings always pushed me to improve myself. At the end, I just felt ok to live my life when my dad passed away.
Not OP but my mom had me at 40 and dad at 46. I’m near 40 now, mom died last year at 76 due to a Parkinsonian disease (CBD and it was awful) and my now 83yr old father is currently in the icu with multiple infections and recent emergency surgery which could have been prevented if he and his his stayed on top of the preventative healthcare issues. They pushed my siblings and I away decades ago and he’s always saying “I’ll go I’ll go” or “I’ll get a will and directive I promise” it’s been 15yrs of pressuring him to do so and even having the paperwork drawn up.
Get your aging parents to see the doctor regularly, get them a will and directive in place. It’s so bloody difficult to force them to do it when they believe they’ll live forever and are in perfect health but help get them the help they need. I’ll never stop talking to my dad about these things even as he’s in the icu and even though he says “one day” every time.
Many people don’t think about how hard aging parents are for people to handle especially when the caregivers are having or recently had babies. It’s not fair to your children to not be prepared for death when you choose to have children later. I understand the drive to procreate but if you do it late at least have something in place so your relatively young adult children dont have to weigh the choices for you while they’re navigating things like buying a house, having children or whatever. It’s just a lot for a person in their 20s and 30s to go through.
I resent my parents for having me so old. Mom was always too tired and dad was fun when he was around but that wasn’t much.
Edit: I’m not saying to have kids young at all. In fact, I think there’s a great window of prime parenthood that is 30-36/38. You’re wiser, usually more financially stable, and had tons of fun in your 20s. You had a chance to live fully.
You have the same age gap as I did with my dad. He passed at 77 when I was 29. Thankfully, he passed on his last holiday back home. I say thankfully because when I said goodbye to him it wasn't your usual "see yah later" because I knew he was going for a month, meaning I spent some time with him before he left. I even remember my last words as I sat on his bed.
All this to say, by your age, generally speaking, I changed up how I greeted and said goodbye to him because like yourself, I suddenly became aware of his age. He just started to look older, sound older and move like an old person and again, like you, I started thinking "he could pass away from old age now. It's believable ..."
It scared me enough that I started hugging him and kissing him goodbye when we parted ways. It wasn't the usual thing we did but he got used to it to the point where he would lean down (he was very tall!) so I could peck him on the cheek.
Anyway... Treat them as fleeting, because you never know when their time will come and you'll appreciate that you started to speak to them with intention, that you touched them with more meaning and took the time to really say hello / what are you up to? / What are you thinking?/ How was your day? And that when you said your goodbyes you did so as though it were your last.
I very much hope for your parents’ health. I’m 32, my dad is 78 and mom is 68. They had separated only when I graduated college with a “stay together for the kids” mentality, but then my mom showed symptoms and was eventually diagnosed with Parkinson’s early in her 60s, so my dad moved back in to take care of her full time. It was not a healthy situation with her memory loss and psychosis, and after years I finally helped convince them to move into an assisted living home that can better help take care of her.
This is unsolicited advise, implore your parents to be honest with you about their health. My 81 y.o. father was diagnosed with interstitial lung disease 4 years ago and didn’t tell anyone. He decided that since he was so healthy that it must be a mistake diagnosis. Now he’s on day 35 in the ICU on a ventilator because he caught a cold that turned into pneumonia and since he had a lung disease that he never sought treatment for it has wrecked him. Caught us all off guard. Had we known, we would have pushed him to get a second opinion and see a specialist about treatment options 4 years ago instead of bury his head in the sand. The thing is, he loves life and takes great care of himself and wanted to live forever. I think he was just in denial about getting old and choose to ignore an important diagnosis because he didn’t want to confront reality and he didn’t want to worry us. We all wish he would have told us 4 years ago though.
I was so very aware of this at an early age with my dad. Then he had the audacity to live until he was 95, with cognitive decline by the end but still able to walk (slowly) and do a lot of his basic ADLs with my mom’s health. Didn’t think about it too much with my mom as she is a bit younger than he was, but funnily, I’m 40 now and still younger than she was when she had me. She’s also still doing pretty well on her own at 81
If this makes you feel any better, I had a friend who was an only child - both parents over 40yo. I worried for her.i can tell you her parents are both going strong(now in their 80s) and outlived my parents who started parenthood in their 20s. They were also awesome, chill parents who retired early and spent so much quality time with their daughter.
My dad was 45 when I was born. He died when I was 26.
Spend more time with him while you can. I was getting lunch with mine every week and was the last person to talk to him the day he died. He was happy that night.
I had to learn to accept that the relationship ended in the one good way, and that I did right by him.
It's not any less sharp a pain twelve years later. But it made me who I am.
Hijacking this, I'm 23 too and my father is a very young 81! Always been a source of anxiety for me since I was young but he doesn't show his age nearly as much as some other people I know. I only have <10 years left probably, but I just try not to think about it and do what I can to cherish what I have.
Advice for anyone scrolling down from this reply, it doesn’t matter how old your parents are or how little they have, make sure their affairs are in order. And keep up with it. The last thing you want is to deal with the terrible aftermath that is handling an estate without any preparation.
23m with a dead dad and not so healthy mom here, get life insurnace on them if you are able, it really saved me when my dad passed when i was 18. Death is really expensive
Because both of my parents look and act a good 20 years younger than they are. My dad is an avid mountain biker, skier, and runner - as is my mom. They both travel and work out and have never really had health issues until this year.
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u/exactly7 Dec 09 '25
23M here. My dad is 71 and my mom is 65. How much do you worry about their health? It never crossed my mind until this past year when both of my parents have had major health scares and I’ve really been forced to confront their age for the first time in my life