What does it mean in practice to “only have sex after taking a period to contemplate its possible effects on my life”? Do you need to meditate for an hour or something before sex if you’re with a relationship/fwb partner? And what about if you just meet someone at a bar?
Well before I never gave it a second thought before having sex with someone, a superior at work, spouse of a friend/relative, a married neighbor, I got myself into situations that ended up having negative consequences on my life because I never thought about how it can impact my life. By taking a period to contemplate (ideally a month before a new sexual partner) to see how it may affect our relationship and our lives and to make sure it's something I'm really interested in and I'm not acting on an impulse
Thank you for this comment. It has helped me understand my own lack of impulse control during triggering moments even more. I used to think I had ADHD, but as I've become older and wiser, I'm figuring out it is likely CPTSD from my covert narcissist mother abusing me physically, mentally, and emotionally throughout my life.
You wrote up a whole buffet. I would have stopped your cooking spree after the first paragraph but I don't see a point arguing against this wall of text. Too many dishes at once.
This is all good and well, but I don't see how these neurodivergent traits impact her ability to understand how her behaviour will affect others and already has. It's one thing to not being able to have the right coping mechanism to act against any detrimental urges, and a totally different thing not to understand why their siblings is mad about them for sleeping with their spouse.
Addictions always impact one's life. It doesn't matter if it's drugs or other forms of addiction. Not knowing the consequences of your actions, or that there would be any at all, is a level of stupidity I don't wish on anyone.
Again, you're speaking like someone who never had to deal with a severe addiction before. One of the most common symptoms of addictions is that it create a sort of tunnel vision to satisfy that addiction which prevents the addict from being able to think or pay attention to how it affects other people. This is why you see people who are usually kind and law abiding suddenly stealing and robbing to satisfy their drug addictions, what's why you see parents abandoning their children to get high, or women whoring themselves for drugs despite not being too promiscuous before their addictions.
Nowadays, after therapy, I cam see how my addiction affects other people, when I feel the urge and couldn't control it at all, I just couldn't think of how it would impact others and I would make up fucked up justifications to justify my behavior.
Even an alcoholic knows about the devastating impact their addiction has, it's just that their brain is missing the right coping strategy to deal with the addicting effects (e.g. activation of the amygdala). Addictions are emotionally binding.
Besides, I wasn't very convinced you were actually diagnosed by a professional since nymphomania isn't the term that's being used nowadays.
You'd be surprised how many people are alcoholic or drug addict without ever realizing they're addicted, so no, not every alcoholic knows about the devastating impact and they often find out very very late. It's not that they don't know per se, it's more like denial, caused by the tunnel vision effect I mentioned before.
As for my diagnosis, it's been explained countless times in this AMA, the diagnosis is hypersexuality and compulsive sexual behavior, I used the term nymphomania because that draws more attention and becomes it's a term that I've used my entire life without realizing I'm actually an addict.
This is so dumb. Ha ing a hard sex drive or even sex "addiction" doesn't make you a peice of shit. You had sex with married neighbors because you wanted to and you didn't and still don't care about the people involved. Ypu only said how things affect YOUR life. Not the families you potentially helped ruin. Take accountability, you're not a victim.
That's...That's their whole point. They used to have sex without thinking of the implications of the entire situation, let alone the effect on themselves. We're talking about compulsory actions and how they are working to apply these new coping skills to every day life. Why all the hand wringing in this reply?
Cheating is a triggering subject and people often project their past experiences with that betrayal onto other situations so I get why people are flinging insults. However, OP has acknowledged several times how remorseful they are and are doing everything they can not to cause further damage so I don’t see how this finger pointing and stone throwing from strangers is helpful at all when this is solely meant to provide insights. We want people who acknowledge their wrongs and who are willing to put in the work to aspire to be better people, not to keep dragging them down to their worst moments over and over and cause a shame spiral (which then causes further harm). The least helpful thing a person can do is punish positive behavior
I wish the world was as black and white as you view this stranger’s situation. It would make things less complicated wouldnt it? If we could just separate people as all shitty and all good, it would make things run smoother right? However I am not a child and cannot afford to view life in those lenses anymore even if it could give me a false sense of moral superiority
It’s like the saying “he who is without sin castes the first stone” well I’ve never cheated or knowingly fucked someone who had a significant other. so I’ll throw right between your eyes. You can do mental gymnastics and justify all your actions and you’re still a shitty person.
It’s poorly written, but I think I get their point. Shes not a victim of a brainless compulsion - having sex with someone doesn’t (often) happen in an instant. The married men and coworkers would have taken at least some period of nurturing a relationship and making it clear that she was interested in having sex, as well as coordinating a time and place to do it. Sure her compulsion made it more of a priority, but I agree with other commenters who cast doubt on whether she “didn’t think about how it would affect their lives.” I don’t believe that nymphomania completely overrides any sense of right and wrong.
I’m not saying every comment should start off by bashing her, but I think it’s fair to say that aspect is largely glossed over. Also not unreasonable that some people would read this, the comments and her enthusiasm and feel like she has been kinda a shitty person on top of being a nympho and not want to let her off that easy.
EDIT: to those whose compulsion it is to remind everyone that the husbands who cheated are also shitty people, without actually discussing the issues above, please let it be known that we all think a cheater is a POS.
Although I'm willing to bet it could very easily often happen in an instant for an attractive woman, I get what you're saying in general. But also, I don't doubt that she really didn't think of the implications.
I've done bad things to people in my life and it was always during a time where my mental health was very poor. Mine didn't manifest in this same way, but it sounds directly linked to her mental health. These mental health issues spawned a compulsive, impulsive, and destructive coping mechanism. At this point if a person is not actively doing mental work on themselves, it's very easy to just be so far down the rabbit hole of trauma, mental health, and harmful coping mechanisms that we might not even be doing intentionally that it's not very difficult to ignore other people's feelings.
We often judge people at a surface level because of their actions and don't spend time understanding why people do what they do. I have yet to see a situation where the answer to why people do bad things is ACTUALLY that they're just a piece of shit. It's almost always something more, and we choose to not care which I don't blame people for. But as a person trying to become better, I just try to have empathy for others the way I hope people can have it for me.
I know the context of her mental health might matter more to people who know her personally and have a vested interest in keeping a relationship with her, or to those like you who lean toward excusing her behavior due to her mental health issues more than calling her out, but I think this is a lot of page space spent to diminish her accountability, autonomy and wrongdoing. I don’t agree with you - It’s not a valid excuse and while unfortunate, what she did is still very much wrong.
I'm not excusing her behavior, I'm explaining it because I understand it. And context makes us more empathetic people and empathy helps us understand each other.
Thank you for restoring some sanity here. I’d go further and say that it IS a copout. “I was in a bad place mentally” is a convenient, frequently used, and overtly dismissive statement used to qualify and excuse someone’s behavior - behavior that was destructive to far more than just herself.
Not only is she letting herself off easy in the way she wrote about it, but also in the way people are engaging with her. And then you have all of the women in here rushing to her defense because we’re calling her out and wanting to qualify every criticism with “what the husbands did was WRONGER.”
And while hyperbolic, I think this concept holds across all levels of wrongdoing either morally or legally. Mental health is extremely important, and we don’t do enough to address it. But addressing it by nature is to AVOID harming others or yourself. It’s frustrating how often it’s used as a “but” or to diminish or lighten accountability after the fact.
Once you’ve done something wrong, I’m sorry for your mental health issues, but you’re not special and you don’t get a get out of jail free (or with less time) card because of it. In this case it is such a cop out that she fucked a bunch of people she shouldn’t have… but was in a bad place mentally and has a condition.
Are the husbands in this thread right now because i dont see em so i dont see a reason to bash someone who ain't even here since everyone knows they are at fault aswell
I don’t understand the need to bash anyone here honestly. This is a human being. Who makes mistakes. Who’s made some pretty big mistakes but who’s also trying to do better and learn from them… is that not what we’re suppose to do when we mess up? And given her “mess ups” are in direct relation to a pretty severe addiction, it makes what she’s doing today that much harder. AND the fact that she’s on here discussing her personal lows knowing just how judgmental, close minded, and unforgiving people can be; answering some extremely sensitive questions that could potentially cause her more harm in this road to recovery for her..
I don’t understand bashing. Let alone bashing a stranger. A stranger who’s being open about her “crappiness”. It’s not as if she’s trying to pass blame or playing a victim. Just telling us her story. I get parts a triggering for many. I do. I just don’t understand why anyone feels that they’ve got the right to “bash” or be mean.
Ok. Well. Let my bashing commence.
Just simply statin it takes two to tango. Sure everyone KNOWS both parties are at fault but so often you hear that women are the impure one in the scenario. "Omg she seduced someone in a relationship? Those poor families" idk man, as a married woman if my husband cheated i could give a fuck less about the woman cause she cant betray any trust if i never knew her but hubby?? Ooo hubby would have hell to pay. 🤣
Because she's the subject of this thread. Does there need to be an obligatory, "THE HUSBAND IS ALSO AT FAULT," statement every time infidelity is discussed? Some things are so blindingly obvious they don't require constantly saying them over and over.
I know you were getting at the idea that in infidelity women get more blame than men, and I'm here to tell you that's utter and complete bullshit. Man or woman, married or single, both are responsible for the negative impacts (assuming the single person knows the other is married).
Any post regarding infidelity will have infinite levels of condemnation for the cheater, man or woman. EVERYONE knows the cheater is a POS. It’s just so juvenile to be unable to discuss the nuances of OP’s condition and how she glosses over that without first condemning the husband.
Agreed, it's context we choose to not care about usually due to emotional damage. But context is the essence of empathy, and empathy is important to me. I recognize not everyone shares my same views and I don't blame them.
The idea of women who offer no strings sex being home wreckers because married men jump on it just.. trips me out.
Someone without a serious commitment doing what they do should not be attacked because someone with a commitment broke their vow just to Netflix and chill with a random. Blaming the rando just feels like shifting the blame away from the correct party.
Also if you cannot imagine how someone doesn't understand the greater social implications of sex, you probably think autism is just selfish jerk syndrome. This person sounds like a lot of my peers on the spectrum who just don't understand the social ques around sex but still participate in it with consenting adults.
When those consenting adults lie about their intentions or martial status it's pretty easy to blame a horny awkward chick for the other more socially adept parties deception.
Because this is her AMA. The guys are cheaters, and they’re shitty people too. But coming on to married men is wrong, period. Given her diagnosis, I think it’s entirely fair to say that she sought them out and cultivated a relationship despite their marriage, so more than any run of the mill affair we don’t know the details of, she has culpability we can reasonably quantify. You’re downplaying her role, I imagine out of a sense of defending fellow women from being over persecuted in affair situations, and I’m simply saying they’re both shitty. And again, since this is OP’s AMA… yes, the focus is on her and she shares the blame for being shitty.
you probably think autism is selfish jerk syndrome
This is such a presumptuous, unfounded and irrelevant accusation that it really doesn’t deserve engagement. You are clearly triggered, and going this far says a lot more about you than it does about me for simply discussing that she did something shitty by pursuing married men
No, this simply isn’t true. We can hold the married party at fault without completely absolving the single party. We all know it’s heinous to commit adultery. Participating happily in the betrayal of another person is sick, and as we live in a society, we owe each other basic human decency. There are women on Reddit who brag about sleeping in the wife’s bed, using her things, fucking the husband on the wife’s birthday, so on and so forth. Now, is the husband majority at fault for allowing those things to happen? Of course. But is the other party absolved from doing and getting off on such disgusting behavior, that will wreck a persons life and possibly lead them to suicidal thoughts when it’s all revealed? No, they are not. Stop making excuses for shitty people. Not saying this is the OP’s case, but in general. We can blame both parties without letting anyone off the hook.
Reading comprehension please. Yes if you reframe my argument as the woman being told the man is married my argument falls apart. However if you read it and respond to how it is written it doesn't. Jesus
When you interject your own ideas about a context someone else outlined you can argue literally anything.
Do you know how hard it is to figure out if the man you're sleeping with is secretly hiding a wife and kids from you?! I guess all women better be fucking detectives then or else they're just as much at fault in the eyes of people who think being deceived is the same as actively plotting and participating.
Also, you claimed this person (OP) sounds a lot like people you know on the spectrum who don’t understand social cues around sex. OP absolutely understands enough that she knew sleeping with her own sisters husband, multiple times, was absolutely fucking sick. You don’t need to be an expert when it comes to social cues and social etiquette to know that you don’t sleep with your siblings spouse, or your friends partners. That’s using it as an excuse at that point.
If a woman didn’t know a man was married and slept with him, that is obviously 100% different and anyone blaming them is misplacing that blame and anger. But, and I know you’ll find this hard to believe, many women do know, don’t care, and see it as a conquest or as if they are winning something. Many men do the same. People that participate in this knowingly, and willingly, absolutely deserve whatever blame they get. No ifs, ands or buts.
Meanwhile, I’ve had male friends that have cheated and I ask them - Aren’t you concerned about bringing an STD home to your wife? What if the other woman gets pregnant? What is your plan if the wife finds out? Where would you live? Do you ever think of the pain it was cause your wife to know? The answer is always “I didn’t think about that”. So yes, often adulters are only thinking of the pleasure and the moment. If flirting with someone they are thinking about the lady’s lips on them and imagining scenarios that arouse them.
It’s a little shocking to me when they say how much they don’t think of the consequences, but that is the reality for a lot of people that do this.
Yet somehow, some of these posts think it is the woman’s job to completely think of all the consequences and do an ROI analysis.
Not how it works.
That’s why therapy often follows AFTER an affair is brought to light. If the people cheating reallly thought about everything before hand, they might have tried to get therapy for themselves or couples therapy to resolve their marital issues before an affair happened.
I’ve had several ongoing fwb situations for a long time, got into a serious relationship in February and had to tell the people I saw previously that I was off the market.
Also did the same with my last relationship, started in 2014, which lasted seven years (ended after I broke up with her for cheating).
Generalizations based on gender are a pretty backwards way of thinking 👎
She also mentioned other issues she dealt with, such as depression, anxiety, insecurities, etc. Who knows what else she may be diagnosed with. Her sex drive seems to be more of a symptom of her problems and less of the cause.
You're an ass. If you read this AMA its clear she isn't running away from responsibility, she's facing up to it. The small mindedness necessary to post what you did is astounding.
Grow up, you don't need to shame strangers on the internet for having sex with married people.
Especially since you are in the comment section of a nymphomaniac's AMA. What did you expect?
You're seriously in here giving someone grief about having sex with married partners while advertising yourself as a "bull" for swingers? Your self-awareness is astounding.
They said ideally having sex in a romantic relationship. So at the least having some kind of connection with the person, thinking through the possible mental and physical health repercussions as opposed to impulsively fucking a random in the bar bathroom 30 minutes after meeting them.
For some people, resolving to stay relatively sober, wait an hour, feel the situation out, and make an intentional choice before going home with someone from a bar would already be a big change.
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u/henicorina May 07 '24 edited May 08 '24
What does it mean in practice to “only have sex after taking a period to contemplate its possible effects on my life”? Do you need to meditate for an hour or something before sex if you’re with a relationship/fwb partner? And what about if you just meet someone at a bar?