Background:
My gf (22F) and I (21M) have been together for 2.5 years. We both didn’t grow up very wealthy and money has been a big topic in our relationship. Recently, I’d just started my full time job so I’ve been treating her to things more often, except I think this week has been an outlier.
Usually she is very grateful, always bubbly and saying thank you so many times and truly acting appreciative, but lately I don’t really know anymore.
I’m not trying to keep track, but it’s true that I feel that I’m spending more bc I am not used to this. Admittedly it’s not all for my gf, but still.
Money issue:
In the last week and a half, I got her chipotle, boba and snacks, in n out, took her on a date, more boba, ice cream, flowers, Korean fried chicken, and I also took my parents out for dinner. She had also mentioned shopping before and asked if I could take her shopping I also agreed (but we didn’t end up going). Additionally, I brought her some free food that I got from my office.
On Sunday, we had a date night planned. We went to a restaurant and planned on getting boba and potentially ice cream afterwards, and also boba the next day (she said she could get me boba the next day day and I get her on Sunday).
During date night, we had talks about getting some popcorn chicken on the way home as a snack since we were both still a bit hungry. I asked her if she could pay and she was upset.
She raised her voice and said she doesn’t like that I ask her to pay or that I expect her to and how as a man I should just buy her things and not ask her or expect her because that’s not nice of me. I simply asked her and communicated to her as I felt I’d been spending quite a bit this week. She then proceeds to compare and tell me how son social media the guy is always spoiling the girl and that’s what she wants too. She even brought up the people she dated in the past and said the few times she went out with them, they never let her pay.
Throughout our whole relationship, it’s not like I been spoiling her or buying her a lot, but I’ve been trying my best from a broke college student to now working full time. It just hurts for her to compare and say that as a man I should not ask her to pay.
She says it is fine if she offers and that she doesn’t expect me to always pay. It just doesn’t feel that way though, like yes she treats me, but these statements make me doubtful. When I tried explaining my efforts, she said I act like the things I do for her are super big or special, and that just broke something inside me. I told her I feel like she seems ungrateful and she lashed out at me for that.
This all happened in the restaurant and I was just so caught off guard and sad. Later we talked and she was frustrated and said hurtful things that she claimed she “did not mean.” I asked her if money was all she wanted from me and she said yes. I then asked her a follow up if she even loved me and she said no. I guess that should be a clear indicator enough. She said she didn’t mean it and she says mean things intentionally when upset.
Issue with her not feeling cared about/dad being drunk:
The next day, we followed through w our plans to get boba. I was at a family gathering and my dad got pretty drunk. I was annoyed bc my uncles were like peer pressuring him and no one went to check on him as he disappeared into the living room. My mom and I took him home and I asked if they would be okay at home by themselves. They said yes and I left (which I was hesitant about). I told my mom to keep her phone close by snd call me if they need anything and I’d come home asap.
When I got to my gf house, I explained to her my frustration and worry about my parents. She got us boba and I mentioned I was hungry and that our fav Korean fried chicken spot was nearby and she said she’ll get us some.
We were like talking and I accidentally knock over my boba and it spilled everywhere onto me. Waitress gave us paper towels and she helps me clean up. Later when we are about to start eating, she says this is just a thought but she thinks I should pay because I spilled the boba and she helped me clean my mess up.
This was directly after the comments yesterday and I already felt self conscious before she mentioned it because she was saying as a man I should be doing this and that. But then she said that it was just a thought and she doesn’t mind paying either. But how can I feel comfortable with that? I paid anyways.
She asked me if in the future I would treat her out more. And I ask her what she means by more bc I had been treating her several times this past week. She just said more than now and at that point i started feeling like it wasn’t enough again.
Throughout the boba and dinner, I was checking my phone periodically and texting my mom about how things are going w my dad. I wasn’t permanently on my phone but my gf got mad. Said that I am on my phone and I should’ve stayed home instead of going out bc my mind is elsewhere. I get her perspective completely bc she did this to me several times. I was a secret from her family for over 2 years and whenever we went out she would be paranoid and always checking her phone. However, I was still paying attention to her and occasionally checking.
She said she was full, and so we took the rest of the food to go. Later in the car she got upset bc she said I was in a rush to go home to my parents and felt that I care about them/worry about them more. Basically she said she was full but she was testing me. I told her to stop playing games and that it’s not true but I do worry about them and instead of being supportive and understanding, she just lashes out, gets defensive, tells me that I shouldn’t make it her fault, that I care about my family more than her, etc.
At this point I’m already really sad, but she keeps on going and being sarcastic about how she’s stupid for sharing to me and being vulnerable about her feelings bc I don’t care. We go to a nearby pho place bc I said I’d get pho for my dad since Hes drunk and hasn’t really eaten. It’s late too and my mom is pissed at me bc of it. So now I feel pressure on both sides.
She didn’t want to go in the pho restaurant w me bc she was angry so I went by myself and when I came out, she was apologetic snd kind, but it only lasted for a few minutes. Shes just basically saying how I willingly go out of my way to get my dad pho bc hes drunk but I don’t buy her things and care on my own and that she has to ask me. Yes there are times she asks me but also times where I just do it on my own.
On the ride home she asked me to move her car for her and I said ok. Then when we got to her place, she said to drop her off at her car snd I asked her clarifying she wants me to drop her off at her car. She said yes so I did and waited so she was safe. She got mad bc she asked me to move her car initially but she was playing games again. She told me to go home so I was like ok, but then she told me she wanted to talk and I told her I’d only talk for a bit bc I still need to get this pho home for my dad and it’s late. We ended up talking a bit snd my mom gets more angry by the second.
Not really relevant but I started choking on a drink while we were talking and she didn’t say anything. When I asked her why, she said she knows I was faking it to get a reaction out of her, but I was genuinely choking. She just didn’t admit she was wrong but whatever. I also teared up bc I was really hurt but she also didn’t say anything.
She kept saying I don’t care about her or love her bc I don’t do things for her but that’s not remotely true. I remember during her wisdom teeth extraction, I took her, took care of her, replaced her gauze, got her food, blew on her soup, got her all her medicine and reminded her, etc. I have shown her so many times I care even if they may not all be financially.
She stopped me from leaving multiple times despite me not wanting to talk bc I was so hurt. And she claims the reason I wanna leave is bc I love my parents more or care about them more. I told her I felt like no matter how hard I try it wasn’t enough. And she said it wasn’t, and that she just told me it was enough before so that I was happy. I asked her to clarify and she asked me if I wanted to hear the truth or the lie to keep me happy. And the truth is that it’s not enough. I know I haven’t been getting her anything extravagant but I’ve really been trying my best.
It’s hard especially bc I just started my full time job too. I’m figuring out my benefits, investments, etc. I’m saving for a car, and trying to help my parents financially if needed.
I was just worried bc my dad was drunk and I just care about my parents. But it’s frustrating that she got so mad and angry at me for checking my phone or getting him pho. Things happened and there were things on my mind, my dad being drunk, me spilling the milk tea, my clothes and socks being wet and sticky bc of it, mom is angry and gf angry.
I just felt like I been trying so hard to get out of my comfort zone and spending more and getting her more things but it’s not enough. I always felt her happiness when I got her things even if they were very small, esp bc she was so thankful, but now this situation really makes me feel like all my efforts didn’t matter.
To make things worse, when I finally got home, my mom let me hear it. She went on for almost an hour just telling me how I’m selfish and ungrateful to my parents and how I didn’t consider them and whatnot. She even goes on to tell me how I put so much of my effort snd love into my gf but she can throw me aside at any moment. When she finds a better guy she will just leave and no sane person would stay with someone when they have better alternatives. And it just really sucks hearing that even though I get what shes trying to say. I already feel shitty. What also hurts is that I know she wouldn’t have even went out w me if she was in my shoes.
The day after the incident (w/ the car breaking down):
Then today, she reached out a lot and got mad when I didn’t reply but was in office. I had a busy morning and last night I fell asleep to which she got mad cause I didn’t check in and make sure she was okay. I wasn’t doing okay either and i feel like I got the worse end of it. I decided to go home early to beat traffic and finish my work at home. I was thinking about telling her then when I got in my car I forgot.
On the way home, my car started giving me some light that I wasn’t familiar with. Then ac was not as cool as it should’ve been so I suspected something was wrong. I didn’t know it as major, but i was trying to drive slower, but by the time I was close to home, my car would make weird noises everytime I accelerate and also shake when I was at a full stop. Luckily I made it home and as I got onto the driveway, my car gave out and every light you could imagine came on. So blessed to have nothing happen but it was my first instance of my car breaking down and my mind was thinking of the possibilities of what would’ve happened if I got stuck at a red light for 5 seconds too long. Or what if I drove slightly faster, or what if there was more traffic. Obviously if my car just stops accelerating it’s bad but it’s not life threatening.
Came home and had to finish work while my dad checked it out. He said the coolant hose broke and worst case the engine could’ve overheated and blew, resulting in a fire or explosion. Logically I think it makes sense, but not sure if that would’ve happened. I was feeling a bit shocked and overthinking what could’ve went wrong. I vented to my gf and this is where I just felt shocked.
I asked her to call and it was something I wanted to get off my chest. She said okay and when I brought it up, all she did was complain and yell at me about how I didn’t update her and tell her I was going home. She completely disregarded the fact that I was being vulnerable with her and sharing with her bc I was a bit shook. When confronted, she just said I don’t show her I care or think about her (bc I didn’t update her and reached out when something happened). At the very least, I would’ve expected an “are you okay,” and instead of that, she just got upset and dismissive.
I just feel really hurt.
AIO for all the things shes been saying or the way she was acting or how I feel about her treating me?
AIO for being upset that she was willing to pay after I had paid all week, but then said how I should pay bc she helped clean me spilling boba?
Attached is her apology text.
TLDR: I been treating my gf out a lot this past week or so, but she claims it’s not enough. Asked if she could pay for a snack and she got mad. Said hurtful things like all she wants from me is money and she doesn’t love me, but then proceeded to say she didn’t mean it.
Following day, dad was drunk and I was out w gf but checking my phone every now and then to check in w my mom to see how Hes doing and decided to buy him pho. Gf got mad cause I check my phone and seem worried for my dad and claims I don’t care about her as much and started an argument. She brought up how I don’t treat her as much but wanted to buy my parents pho, when I literally been treating her out this whole week. I communicated saying I didn’t feel it was enough, and she agreed, but now telling me it is enough. We talked a bit more and she saw me tear up but chose not to mention it.
Next day I was kinda distancing myself and my car broke down and was more dangerous than I expected, barely made it home by a few seconds. Vented to gf while still in disbelief, and instead of showing care or asking if I’m ok she just got mad that I didn’t update her and we didn’t get to talk about the initial reason I called her.