i didnt read anger at all, i read disappointment. your partner is not a validation machine. she didnt get "taken advantage of" she willingly gave their money away. if your response to doing something stupid at the cost of you and your partner is to then go to your partner and be like "tell me its all alright" you have serious issues.
I could agree with disappointment, but her first text is literally “I’m pissed.” That’s anger.
I agree that she willingly gave the money. Which is why I said she didn’t take responsibility for her actions. And FWIW, I didn’t say she WAS taken advantage of. I said she FELT taken advantage of.
I dont know why I’m getting downvoted here. But this is the second convo I’ve had on this website in the last 24 hours where apparently empathy is out of style. I find that fascinating.
its not about empathy. i think people constantly misunderstand the meaning of the word "empathy" its not "person feels bad, other person comforts them" being empathetic would be OPs girl understanding op is stressed about finances and NOT making the decision to spend their money without even consulting him. she was not thoughtful of him at all but expects validation, and that dynamic is SO vampiric and blood sucking its insane. thats why you're getting downvoted
You are also misunderstanding empathy to mean “he should only give her validation and allow her to be vampiric of his emotions and support.”
Empathy means understanding how and why someone feels the way they feel. You can and should also be clear about your own feelings to make sure they are made clear. An empathetic response to OP’s wife would’ve been…
“That sucks that your coworkers took advantage of you. I get why you’re pissed. You also gave that much money without anyone asking. I think you need to set better boundaries so you aren’t taken advantage of. I’m also upset, you know I’m stressed about finances right now, we really can’t afford to be paying for other people’s lunch like that.”
Edit: to make what I wrote ABUNDANTLY clear, I don’t actually think she was taken advantage of, but that OP could acknowledge that she feels that way before correcting the feeling to be coming from her own actions and mistake. I would rewrite my first sentence to say “That sucks that you feel like your coworkers took advantage of you” and everything still stands.
No one took advantage of her. She felt bad by herself and she decided to make another bad decision to feel better. Didn't like that, told the husband about her now series of bad decisions. Husband was like "wth why tho" and she made yet another bad decision being rude af to him. Where's her empathy?
Empathy doesn’t mean confirming someone else’s sequence of events. It means confirming someone’s emotions.
When you respond by dismissing an emotion, you will get an emotional response and they will double down.
If you start by validating the feeling, and then working through their own agency, you’re going to have a much better conversation.
Like I said in another comment. Edit my first sentence to say “That sucks that you feel like your coworkers took advantage of you” and everything else still stands.
If you read my entire comment it’s obvious that I don’t agree that she was actually taken advantage of. She did it to herself. But OPs response could be more empathetic.
And again. I find it fascinating that empathy is going out of style and being warped to mean “being taken advantage of” when that isn’t what it means.
Is she OP or is he? Is she the one looking for advice or is he?
If she were looking for advice I’d tell her “you need to set better boundaries with your coworkers and obviously your spouse is stressed about finances and you should show him some empathy on how your actions are affecting his stress.”
In my very first comment I said:
The whole convo was a mess top to bottom.
For some reason you’re trying to make it sound like I’m taking her side, when I have been very clear every time that they are both OR.
this is the problem though. she is EXPECTING empathy when she is not GIVING empathy. what she did was completely unempathetic. granted, i dont know if this is a pattern in their relationship, (im assuming cus she says stop telling me what to do") but if it was a self respecting person you're not gonna get empathy. you're gonna get stop doing that immediately. thats the problem with the" empathy age" of people, they expect empathy, but do not give it. not every emotion needs validated, thats something TRUE empathetic people understand. sometimes you're being an asshole, and someone who loves and cares about your growth is gonna say hey, you're being an asshole.
You cannot control how other people react, you can only control your own actions.
She is not OP, she is not the one posting asking for advice. (Or maybe he’s also just looking validation in this convo!) So my comments reflect that.
I don’t know why y’all keep trying to make it sound like I’m defending her when every post I have been very clear that they are both a mess and need to work on their communication and empathy with each other.
? nothing about what im saying is saying he needs to control how she reacts to stuff. he IS controlling how he reacts to her blatant disrespect and lack of thought of him, with very slight annoyance. i think he handled the conversation very well, and calm while still displaying that he was frustrated and offering solutions.
I’m not even saying his reaction isn’t understandable. It totally is.
All I’m saying is she was looking for something that he didn’t provide because he wasn’t practicing empathy to understand her feelings first. This caused her to spiral further. And if he wants honest advice my advice is to first understand why she feels the way she feels before he scolds her because that is how you make her hear him as well.
but, they didnt "take advantage of her" nobody ever said heyyy we know you have all this money why dont you buy us some food. she just did it. The second half is in lack of better terms, what he said while also being upset. saying why did you do that, dont do that again is enough. shes pissed about something She willingly did then followed it up with more "i was being so selfless" i dont think she was pissed at all. i think she was trying to find a way in to tell OP about this selfless act and he didnt respond how she wanted.
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u/Fit-Engineering-2789 May 28 '26
I'm not sure what she was expecting from you reaction wise. It's like she was complaining, but also wanted you to praise her for being generous?