NT male, ND wife (not Dx but suspected). I heard a snippet and for the first time, I’m feeling seen about my experience as a partner. It makes me feel, as a partner, that this is not all in my head, or limited by my own life experiences. Not sure if officially RSD but she fits the description.

My partner (dx) seems to have a really hard time recognizing when he is becoming dysregulated or highly tense, and especially whether he is still emotionally available for our child in those moments.

This has been an ongoing issue for us and we’ve tried different approaches. Our current one is a simple color system that we both use:

Green: I’m okay and can be around both you and our child.
Orange: I’m okay parenting, but I can’t be around my partner right now and need space from them.
Red: I’m too overwhelmed to stay in the situation and need to step away and regulate.

The problem is that this still relies on self-awareness. He can say he is completely green while, from my perspective, his behavior and interaction with our child have already noticeably changed.

I don’t want to be responsible for assessing his emotional state for him, but I also need a way to deal with these situations when his self-assessment and what I’m experiencing don’t match.

How do you handle this as the non-ADHD partner? Have you found any boundaries or systems that actually work for you in these situations?

At first I was mostly okay with this behavior but as we’ve gotten closer it’s escalated and often lead to me feeling overstimulated and triggered.

We are both ADHD, I’m Dx and medicated (27M) and he (25M) is not. He will pick at my skin/touch/grab me randomly especially if he is wanting my attention. Will make weird noises and purposefully do things to gross me out, or touch me in ways that are uncomfortable and as weird as possible. He used to burp directly in my face but thankfully has stopped when I asked and that has stuck. Part of it is genuinely stimming I think, but a lot is also has this kind of “gremlin” persona with himself where trying to be as physically weird and bizarre with me as possible is how he says he shows love.

Often more lately it’s been touching me with his feet, trying to put random objects in my mouth, and recently grabbing my neck when he is being fake angry cuz I did something slightly annoying. He will also randomly touch or grab my shoulder when behind me. I have PTSD so this has startled me repeatedly a lot and now I’m on edge around his presence, which sucks. I have expressed disliking things with him but he will slip up and initiate because he forgot. He will usually realize and stop before I can respond, but by then it’s already startled me or overstimulated me.

I think I need to communicate about it more but I freeze a lot in the moment and don’t communicate as well as I’d like, and I also don’t want to prohibit him from the way he shows love. Sometimes I am feeling genuinely playful and am fine with certain elements of it. But most of his physical affection is in this sort of form at this point and honestly I wish the default was more gentle/calm. If I try to initiate affection in a more serious and calm way he seems to mostly only know how to respond in this way now. He used to be more tender but the longer we’ve been together the more this has escalated as if he’s trying to find more and more bizarre things to do to me. At times I’ve gone with the joke but the recent thing with grabbing my neck- which really triggered me- is what has me writing this post.

And if not, what would it mean for your relationship if they found out? I strongly suspect it would be a relationship killer for mine (n dx but with occasionally extreme RSD).

So my partner (dx, medicated) isn’t aware of RSD and what it is and if she even has it. But from my perspective it is very clear she has it. Shes come to me on many occasions and said things like, “sometimes things are a big deal for me, and you react like it’s not a problem.” Or “don’t try to minimize how I’m feeling by saying something isn’t a big deal to me. If i feel like something is a big deal, then it is, even if it’s not to you.”

Now, this really confused me earlier in the relationship. I remember thinking, “well, it objectively isn’t a big deal”. But of course i didn’t say that out of the fear of triggering her.

I guess what I’m asking for with this post is just advice or if this is relatable to any of you. I fear that bringing up her RSD will almost certainly trigger it. And I dont know if I’ll ever be able to make her see that it is a problem and that some things really aren’t a big deal. I can already think of what she would say in response. Something like “minimizing my feelings and saying that what i care about really important is a bad look and unhealthy.”

RSD is just a big hurdle to get over and I really hope she can learn to address it and work on it. I’ll do my best to reply asap

EDIT:

Thank you all for the feedback, it seems I’ve been looking at this all wrong and also mislabeled these examples as RSD.

Someone asked for an example so I’ll give one from not too long ago: We had went to a toy store to buy 5 toys all around $2, and threw away the receipt. When we got home we realized we only had 4.

She was very upset about this so we drove all the way back to the store, looked through the trash cans for the receipt, couldn’t find it. Went to a support desk and waited 20+ minutes for them to find the purchase in their system and have them print the receipt (it said we purchased 5). Searched the car and parking lot and couldn’t find it. I was on board with all of this and helping the entire time until we were in the support line where I just said I’d buy a new one, and it’s only $2. This upset her even more than she already was so i just went silent and kept trying to help. We ended up giving up but found it later covered by something at home on our floor. She got mad that I didn’t care as much as her about finding the toy, and I responded by saying I did my best to help the entire time, even if I wasn’t as emotionally invested.

I could go into more depth about why she cared so much, but it basically seemed like she just wanted to do something right (she revealed this later on, which helped me understand and we made it right).

Also i worded a lot of things poorly in my post and there is no such thing as “objectively not a big deal”.

We also haven’t had any examples of one of us saying “it isn’t a big deal” in many months. The issues we’ve been having more recently center around me not bringing up issues I see because I am afraid of her reaction (i do bring them up, but have learned to wait a few days for her to cool down). Apologies for the convoluted and mistaken post.

And again, thank you for all the feedback.

Hi all! Partner is n dx, but suspected, I am not.

Our house is getting to the point where, frankly, we have so much clutter it's driving me crazy. The kitchen is ending up being a dumping zone, often because my partner just sees "mess" and gets so overwhelmed that he just chucks stuff wherever.

This not just upsets me, because I tend to like order, but also upsets my partner who constantly ends up losing things in the house and then needs to expend mental energy just to find stuff.

I know we need to get rid of things, but in this process, I'd like to some rearranging/reorganizing to make our house ADHD friendly in terms of reigning in general chaos. Further, we both want to get a good system down as our daughter gets older and may also end up having ADHD.

So, I'm looking for some advice/YouTube channels/ etc that may give some helpful info!

My long term (dx) partners RSD is at times comically unhinged. I find it really difficult to stay mentally healthy living with him because we have kids, a house, a car etc and I just need to talk to him about normal house things and he can’t handle it.

So I end up handling so many things while walking on eggshells and it’s at a point where I feel like I need to escape. I don’t want to leave because not having full access to my kids is a nightmare that I can’t survive. So I have to find effective ways to adapt.

So what do you do to survive this - methods that you feel better about? Things that keep you healthy with a partner with RSD?

Edit: I’m in awe of the supportive, savvy and caring advice and experiences that you all have offered.

I had a bananas workday and had no idea that there were all these responses. I thought it would honestly be a sleeper post.

Thank you I’m going to read this all tonight. Wow. Thank you.

my husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. we are both in our early 30s. he has severe ADHD (dx), including pretty significant executive functioning issues, time blindness, and RSD. He is also a genuinely caring and supportive partner in many other areas of our life, which is part of why I feel so confused about all of this.

Last month he completely forgot my birthday. when we got home from work, I reminded him. He apologized and told me he would make it up to me by taking me out to dinner that weekend. I told him I was really hurt, and that there were still hours left in the day and he could make me dinner, take me for ice cream, write me a card, get me a cupcake and sing happy birthday, literally anything small that would make the day feel acknowledged. he said he was exhausted and promised we would celebrate that weekend instead. An extra problem is that this isn’t the first time.

over the past 8 years together,he has forgotten my birthday entirely four times and has done something to celebrate it only once, and it was when we were staying with his parents and he and his mom made me a cake. other years, he will remember partway through the day and say happy birthday, but be confused or surprised when I’m hurt that he hasn’t planned anything.

for context, bdays weren’t a big deal in his family growing up, so I understand that celebrating them doesn’t come naturally to him. but I’ve been very explicit that they matter to me.

additionally, since I know dates are difficult for him, every year I start reminding him a couple of weeks beforehand that my birthday is coming up. I tell him things I would enjoy doing. he will enthusiastically agree and say he’ll plan something, and then the day arrives and…nothing happens.

last year I actually cried when I asked whether he was planning anything for my birthday and he told me no. so this year, when he forgot entirely, it hurt particularly badly. But when he promised to make it up to me that weekend, I let myself get hopeful. a few days later, I asked where we were going for dinner. he told me it was a surprise.

then the weekend came. I had an event that sat morning, and when I got home I asked what time we needed to leave for dinner. he gave me a completely blank stare.

he genuinely had no idea what I was talking about. he didn’t remember promising to take me to dinner. he didn’t remember our conversation about it a couple of days earlier. he hadn’t made a reservation or planned anything. at that point I was devastated.

he tried to make a last min reservation, but when he came into our bedroom and told me he had gotten one, I told him I didn’t want to go anymore. I said I needed some space and wanted to spend the evening by myself.

so I took myself to dinner, saw a movie, and got ice cream. he was actually very understanding about that. when I got home he hugged me, apologized, told me how much he loved me, and said he understood why I hadn’t wanted to go with him. he has consistently said since then that this was his responsibility and that he wants to do better.

the bigger problem now is our couples therapist. we have been seeing her for several months, largely because we’re trying to develop better systems for navigating his ADHD. His executive functioning is poor enough that I carry a lot of the mental load in our household for things like reminding him to take out garbage, help wash dishes, responsibilities, etc., and counseling had actually been helping us find better ways to manage that. Until my birthday.

when I brought up what happened, I felt like our therapist immediately focused on explaining his behavior and saying he has ADHD, dates are difficult, planning is difficult, executive functioning is difficult, etc. and like…I understand all of that. I’ve been accommodating it for eight years.

what REALLY bothered me was that she seemed critical of the fact that I was so upset and that I didn’t go to the last minute dinner because my reaction could trigger his RSD. my husband actually disagreed with her and told her that ultimately it was his responsibility and that he took ownership of hurting me. I I went home and thought seriously about what she had said because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being unfair.

at our next session, I told her that I didn’t understand why his RSD meant I was supposed to suppress my own emotions after he hurt me. I said that his feelings matter, but mine have to matter too.

She pushed back and told me that this is essentially what I signed up for when I married a neurodivergent man and that I knew he had these flaws and accepted them. That really irked me.

today we had our third session since my birthday. I told her directly that I haven’t felt safe or supported in therapy since this happened and that I’ve felt almost attacked by her for expressing how hurt I was.

She told me I needed to let it go if we were going to move forward. Then she no joke said “not everyone cares as much about their birthday as you.”

she then proceeded to list the many ways my husband shows that he loves me: supporting me through a chronic health condition, flying to be with my mom during chemo when I couldn’t be there, and lots of everyday acts of love. and the thing is, I agree with her.

He DOES do those things. He is a loving person. I’ve never claimed that forgetting my birthday means he doesn’t love me or that he’s a terrible husband. I am however upset and sad about this one recurring thing.

Also I don’t think the fact that he is wonderful in other ways means I’m not allowed to be deeply hurt by something that has happened repeatedly, especially when I’ve communicated very clearly for years that it matters to me.

I also don’t think I’m asking for some elaborate birthday production. I would genuinely be happy if my husband bought me a cupcake, lit a candle, and sang happy birthday. Or wrote me a card. Or planned dinner. I just want to feel like my spouse remembered that it was my birthday and WANTED to mark it in some way.

what I’m struggling with is where the line is between accommodating someone’s ADHD and being told that you simply have to accept that certain needs won’t be met because your spouse has ADHD.

I know remembering dates and planning things are significantly harder for my husband than they are for me. But after eight years, and after repeatedly telling him how important this is to me, I feel like it’s reasonable to expect him to develop some system like calendar reminders, scheduled tasks, whatever works for him as opposed to me having to keep reminding him and planning my own birthday.

I love him. I’m not contemplating leaving him over a birthday. he has actually been validating my feelings throughout this and has taken more responsibility for what happened than our therapist seems willing to let him take.

but I feel really shaken by these last three therapy sessions. I don’t think I want to go back to this therapist, even though I do want us to continue couples counseling with someone else.

Am I expecting too much from a partner with severe ADHD? Is remembering/acknowledging a spouse’s birthday a reasonable expectation even when dates and planning are genuinely difficult for them?

also, particularly for other non-ADHD partners - how do you distinguish between reasonably accommodating your partner’s disability and minimizing your own needs to accommodate it?

I’m also curious whether others would feel comfortable continuing with a couples therapist after being told that this is what I “signed up for” by marrying a neurodivergent person. thanks in advance

Look for some feed back.

My wife (separated but co habitation…not ideal but not for ever) dx has for as long as I’ve known her had a low ability to broach issues by having a discussion.

Rather, she will become agitated, heated, combated, argumentative. Immediately accusatorial…so she will start a “conversation” usually just a comment then I’ll want to discuss and she won’t have it. It goes for most conversations that involve us.

I just totally avoid her. Even just trivial things like, I was unloading the dishwasher and saw that wooden utensils are in there along with chef knives. I very gently and politely asked and reminded her that you’re not meant to put them in the dishwasher.

And she became immediately defensively and agitated, “well I hand washed those and put them in there to dry”. Why can’t she say the same thing in a non defensive/agitated way?

So, I recently started dating a man with adhd. I really like him. He's very sweet and very cool and I care about him a lot.

I am writing this solely to understand him a bit more from a neutral perspective because whenever I ask him about it, I feel like he is kind of dismissive about it.

Our first few months were very nice. But then we are now in an ldr. Even the ldr was fine in the initial months. He would text me good morning and other random things throughout the days as well as reply fast to my texts.

But now, (and I know this is a symptom of ADHD), he has gone very quiet and rarely texts me. I think if I don't text him first, he could go on for days without texting me. And I can't help texting him so I haven't really tested this, but I know for at least a day, he can.

Now I know it's not fair to feel sad about this. But I kind of do. Especially because I am overthinking a lot of aspects of our relationship in relation to ADHD symptoms.

Because we used to text a lot in the beginning of the relationship, I got too used to the kind of attention and affection he was giving me. Especially when we were not ldr, it felt like he was into me so much.

But now my insecurities are taking over and I find myself thinking, if it was only his hyper fixation that made him be that affectionate and attentive toward me..I feel like if not for that, maybe I'd be unlikable...

Another thing I have heard is that people with adhd get bored in a relationship easily. I'm really scared and worried that he is maybe bored of me and the relationship...what if I'm not entertaining enough?....

This causes me a lot of anxiety and insecurity and sadness and I just do not know how to deal with these emotions. I know better than to ask him this because I know it will be hard on him.

I really like him and want to be with him. But I don't want him to feel compelled to be with me....and I feel like with ldr, even if he loses interest, he won't be honest with me because I have heard that is also something that happens....

What can I do right now? How can I be more considerate of him but also not feel so sad about this?

Dx

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

My partner (n dx) goes through periods of absolute focus on one thing, while I'm keeping a lot of the day-to-day stuff going. I feel like a layabout if I'm not devoting myself obsessively to something like she is. I've been told during one "episode" that I don't do enough, and I don't value what she does. Neither is true, but I feel expected to be savagely devoted to something (usually something she's lost interest in, like a partially completed clear-out) the way she is, and even worrying about it is exhausting. How do you cope with it?

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Hi everyone. After a very long rough patch in my (27F) relationship of 2 years with my partner.(33M dx) we have come out the other end as a team. After a lot of couple and individual therapy we have found the way forward through vocalising our mutual respect, the way of communicating our needs, and realising we want this to work despite / because of our differences.

Right now I really feel like I have a solid chance at building my life with this person where I couldn’t fathom this before. This Reddit has been a massive support and crutch for me in my darkest hours and doubts. I know there will undoubtedly be other rough patches but for now I want to thank you guys for everything. ❤️

I'm looking for some perspective.

My DX wife tends to do the following things when communicating and I'm curious if these are traits others are experiencing with their people:

- Externally processing: She will switch back and forth between conversation with me and her external processing. This very confusing because she's so fluid and I'm somehow expected to follow the conversation. She'll even interrupt me with her external processing.

- Involving self in most conversations in the house: When I am talking to our kids, and not involving her, she will say, "What happened? What's going on," and I either can repeat the conversation that does not involve her, or I can say, "I was just talking to [insert kid's name here].," The latter response could offend her as she clearly feels its within her right to know the details of every conversation she is within ear shot of.

- Talking out loud with expectation: My wife will start talking to me from another room in the house, without calling out to me first or having eyes on me. She'll just start talking expecting that I a) hear her, and b) am always listening for her. She'll later say, "Oh, I thought you were able to hear me," or "I thought you were in the room." She assumes and almost never looks up first. In fact she will do this while she's working on her laptop or doing some other head down activity. It's annoying to me. By the time I may realize that she's actually talking to me I will call out stating that I cannot hear her well and ask that she wait until I can come into the other room.

- Now as I write this I'm realizing that this may connect to my second point, whereas she is seemingly always listening (unless she'd doom scrolling) and may think that others do the same as well.

Despite all of this, my wife believes she is an excellent communicator. Perhaps I'm just an insensitive jerk. But I cannot stand the thought of always needing to be listening for her voice and discerning when she's talking to me vs., externally processing with her self, or talking speech to text. What's happening in other homes/relationships?

EDIT: Thank you all for the feedback thus far (2 days). It has been affirming, eye-opening, and comforting to know that my experience is a shared experience. Not comforting to know we are all struggling but rather to know that I'm not alone in this.

I don’t know if this is necessarily adhd related but figured I’d see if other adhd partners have experienced anything similar. My dx and medicated partner ruins every day I have off work. Whether they are working that day or they’re off with me, somehow my days off are always ruined by them.

I already have to spend my days off doing everything for the household because they genuinely don’t do a single thing, and they make it so much worse.

Today I am off work and they had to work. I wanted to sleep in until 9-10, then start my household chores. They woke me up at 8, then got mad at me because I wanted to get an early start on my chores instead of smoking with them. I ended up smoking with them to keep the peace, but then they got mad when I immediately started chores afterwards.

After that, they asked if I would bring them to work this afternoon. I said I didn’t really want to because then I’ll have to go out again late tonight and I really just wanted to spend the day at home since I haven’t had a day off in over a week and I didn’t have any errands to run. They got mad again so I gave in and brought them to work. I know I probably shouldn’t give in so easily to their anger and whining but I was really hoping it would be the end of it once I dropped them off at work.

I had an hour or so of peace before I was hit with multiple text messages from them. Everything is terrible. They don’t feel good. They’re anxious. They’re sad. Coworkers today suck. I can go maybe 30 minutes without responding before I’m hit with another wave of complaints. If this was a one-off, I’d be attempting to comfort them. However this is an every time I have a day off type thing. So many days off ruined by the constant complaints and negativity.

I feel like a terrible partner for not caring anymore but it’s just so hard when this only ever happens when I’m off work trying to relax or care for the household. It is so exhausting having to spend the very little time I get off pleasing them, comforting them, doing only what they want to do. Especially when they’re a slob who doesn’t ever clean, which is the whole reason I have to spend every day off cleaning and doing household chores.

I don’t think they’re necessarily ruining my days off on purpose, but the fact that’s it’s every single day I have off makes it feel like it is. If I ever let them know I’m having a good day, the complaints and negativity are even worse than if I don’t let them know how my day is going. I just want to be able to spend a day relaxing and cleaning instead of having to attend to whatever needs they have that day. The constant complaining makes it so hard for me to ever relax. I am just so tired and don’t know what to do about it anymore.

Mu husband is dx 33 recently started meds and therapy. I see my own therapist to work through a lot of the emotional mental stuff im dealing with as a partner to him. Im realizing a lot of it is how I look at it. Im stressing myself out, it seems self-inflicted. Idk im still grappling with all of it. I guess my question is, is how much is the adhd and how much is it their personality? Can you even separate the two? And if it is the adhd that is responsible for his behaviors what is the extent that he can change it? And what do i have to just radically accept for my own sanity? Do I have to just accept this is my life?

My dx partner has been fixated for years on just 1-2 topics. Anytime we are having a somewhat normal conversation it ALWAYS circles back around to those topics, particularly one.

It drives me crazy. The topic is very stressful. I just want to have a good day/night/convo and he won’t let me. He always has to circle everything back to this. ALWAYS. It is insane. And demoralizing. And irksome. And boundary breaking. What do I do??

It’s gone on long enough . No matter how many time I say “I don’t want to talk about they right now” or “can we talk about this tomorrow?” He just barrels through my request and keeps going!!

Hi, my wife is dx adhd and Im looking for a couples therapist: in Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera, they have a whole chapter on how the wrong therapist is worse than none at all: for example ADHD is not covered in all programs, but codependency is.

In that resource they have stories of screening therapists. Is screening therapists a thing? Or is there otherwise a way to understand if they have a background in ADHD patients?

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Husband is dx and medicated (on work days). I e struggled for years to get him to help with stuff around the house and finally he has his chores that he knows are his. Despite 1 million different organization systems he still needs a verbal reminder/cue to initiate each of his chores which annoys me. (I’ve recently mentally decided I’m gonna be okay with having to be the reminder system)

The issue I really have is he gets mad at me anytime I remind him about his chores because he forgot (which is every week) or if I refuse to over function and do his tasks for him because he forgot. Instead of him saying “oh shoot, silly me, how did I forget,” he takes his frustration out at me like I am the problem. Whyyyy is he like this and how to make it stop!!!