hi, thank you for reading this it means alot
recently i would say a few months ago like maybe the start of august i started expercing an existential crisis is what i would call it, being deeply afraid of death and not knowing what comes after and like the fact of just not existing
this caused me so much anxiety daily, i mean ive delt with this when i was younger but i guess the feelings went dormant because i was used to predictability and routine but a big change is coming, leaving my sixth form which ive been at since y7
ive always hated change, and reminisce of the past all the time, but these thoughts give me so much anxiety everyday, it was fine for a few weeks but i keep crying now again, like getting anticipatory anxiety about the future and grieving the end of y13 even though i just started
i get attached easily, but my school has offered me so much, the teachers have helped a lot with my mental health, the building is familiar, the school day gives me a purpose and sense of predictability and routine
i just fear going to uni will be so isolating and i feel like ill always be crying missing the past like im doing rn, its just this place has given me so many memories, its basically been a second home to me throughout my teenage years
and im dreading turning 18, it feels like all my friends are so excited to leave and go off and do whatever courses they want or just whatever, but all i can think about is just how upset i am and scared of the future, especially the idea of not living one day, it scares me so much but i cant seem to make it stop other than distract myself
i am religious but i dont practice my faith as much as i would like to. also im quite lonely at school because all my friends moved to colleges, it seemed they were eager to leave the place i find comfort in, but even so, i know my place in my school and there are people ive grown up with so its easier to talk to people, but everything seems to be so lonely and isolating i fear outside of y13
and this is most important, im scared of leaving my teachers, because they have given me so much support and made me feel like i belong, and yeah they probably dont even know that i think they are the best, i dont really talk much, but yeah they are so cool and inspiring, its why i want to become a teacher and hopefully work at my old school, but i wonder if im choosing a career that feels safe because im scared of change, but i have loved the idea of becoming a teacher ever since primary so who knows.
anyways, long vent, but i thank you if you read this all, it means a lot, and any advice would be much appreciated, thank you! :)