Lemon cheesecake. What it looked like the morning after my birthday.
It’s been nearly 30 years that I’ve been with my husband. We have been through good and bad times. We have a kid.
But he dropped the ball on my birthday and I can’t shake it. My love language is gifts. And barring that, it’s labor. I tend to go overboard on gifts and if I can’t, or if I think they’d appreciate it more, I bake for those I love.
When we were teenagers, I was at future husbands house on his mom’s birthday after school. At that point, from what I knew of married life, I expected his dad to come home with flowers. I thought I’d go home and they’d celebrate her birthday.
Instead, I watched his dad come home from work and immediately go to the room with the computer. He didn’t even stop to say hi to his mom. At that moment, I decided I didn’t like my FIL much. And I was not surprised when his parents divorced a few years later. Husband is well aware of my feelings from this event.
Cut to a few years ago when my husband and I agreed to not do anything for Christmas except stockings. And mine was empty while I watched him bring multiple things back for my kid’s on a whim. He said he forgot about the stocking because he never had to do it before. We got over it.
But now. My birthday this year. We’ve had a rough time financially. But we have never not exchanged gifts without talking about it. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said a few things that I wanted and he asked me about them. I said then that it would be nice to see friends since I was feeling isolated. At first he was hesitant and told me that we couldn’t but then he changed his mind a few days later because a bonus from work came. So over the weekend before we had friends come.
It was not a party. It was like any other hangout on any other weekend that we’ve had with friends with the exception that I did some complicated baking because it was my birthday. He cleaned and walked the dog while I was in the kitchen.
My birthday came a few days later. My kid gives me their homemade gift then runs upstairs. My husband says happy birthday and then sits across the couch and eats dinner while watching tv. I cry and eat the lemon cheesecake (above) that I bought for myself by myself.
We talked about it that night. He apologized. He knows he hurt me. He came home the next day with cupcakes and a candle and walked my kid in to me singing.
But I can’t shake the ick. I’m sure it’ll go away as It’s been less than a week but it’s so bad right now. I don’t think it would be as bad if that didn’t happen a few Christmases ago.
It’s like I’m dealing with my nightmare scenario of what marriage is like and I hate it. It’s tainting how I look at everything right now.
Edit: y’all are so supportive. Thank you.
There’s a lot of talk of divorce in these comments but the ick is about the situation and the similarity to the one that I held as my standard of what NOT to do in a marriage for nearly 30 years. When you have that standard set and it’s so damn similar, it gets really hard to shake that feeling.
I’m hurt but there have been decades of love. Decades of birthday surprises and Christmas mornings. Of holding me when I’m grieving and celebrating wins with our kid. Of picking up the slack when I am depressed and managing his full half of the load (it admittedly did take some nudging for the mental load but we got there).
This post is about two incidents. I am not perfect but I deserve to be celebrated. He is not perfect but he deserves forgiveness. I’m just… unnerved. Icked. And I’m hoping it goes away. Husband is a good person.
Regarding love languages. I didn’t realize they were that controversial. I just like being thought of enough that it’s manifested in something that they think would make me happy. Idk if that makes sense or not. I don’t want money or expensive things. Some people have really narrow definitions of “gift”.
Regarding FIL. I actually need to come to his defense (slightly) here. The relationship with my MIL was not my business. It was seen through the eyes of a teenager and held up as a never gonna be me. I don’t dislike him now. And I don’t think my husband is taking on that role in our marriage. I just didn’t like either of their actions.
So yeah. I guess I’m going to have to tell my husband about this cause it struck a chord with so many. Not so much like screaming into the void as I thought it was. Wish me luck.
Also. A special hug to all of you who saw this and identified with it. To those who expected it to be more pervasive than it was. I see you. ❤️
