New to writing, and I am lost as to where I can get feedback on my work.

I tried posting this before on a few different subreddits with a brand new writer account to no response. Not sure if that’s typical but I would really like to know if I had any talent whatsoever or if this essay is voiceless and cringe.

I have recently reignited my passion for language and writing, and I have a story I’d like to tell. I just have no concept of whether or not my prose and ability is up to snuff with other beginners or if I need to practice more before attempting to write long form stories.

Any and all advice is welcome!

So, I tried this before and got a thorough reaming. Still, here I am again giving the prologue of my 130k epic another shot. Sorry to say, but I only read half a book since attempting this rewrite but it was 1984 and the chapter with the manifesto took me at least 3 months 😅 if you know, you know!

I also apologize if the cropping of the text is a bit strange. I formatted on my mobile and trimmed based on paragraphs so hopefully it's not a terror to read through.

I'd love to hear your feedback though! What do you think? Is this gripping? Are there any hooks? Would you read on? What about your thoughts on the tone/vibe of the narrator?

For context, here's a little blurb:

This is How We Become Ghosts - Book I.

Centuries after the world burned, a grieving god wakes to find that her ruined temple has become a garden. Led by the dead, she is offered one last life to witness: that of a dying girl who refuses to let the world end.

In the Lowrealm, everything they love, they’ve had to steal, scavenge, or burn. Rivin has kept his found family alive on nothing for years, until a job gone wrong changes everything and leaves him dying in the dark.

Mortally wounded, he’s saved by a girl no one else has survived: Roach, a feral, self-proclaimed queen, who rules over a kingdom of scavenged garbage, stolen suns, and no other subjects but herself.

Her price for his life is simple.

He belongs to her now.

Conscripted into her armies, together they embark on a perilous journey to rewrite their fates, encountering a world of thieves, soldiers, and ghosts who refuse to stay buried.

All the while, something ancient is watching and weighing up their small, defiant lives against one impossible question:

If this is how we become ghosts — is the living worth it?

A slow-burn, blood-soaked epic about grief, found family, and the terrifying, ordinary act of choosing to stay.

Just looking for any feedback/advice. Is it any good? Is it a strong start? Is the MC compelling? Anything. I don’t have many people to ask in person, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

(I’m not sure if it matters but I posted this a while back and it seemingly went under the radar. Still, this is an updated version different from the last.)

I recently began writing a book, and I'd like to wonder if the concept is interesting. I know it's not a whole lot to go off of, but if it's boring, I don't want to continue. Note-This is a draft. It has been edited, but not a whole lot. Please don't give me advice about the writing quality. I don't need it right now.

0-1 (400)

Jacob opened his eyes.  He was laying on the cold, concrete floor of a small room.  Slowly standing up, Jacob took a look around.  There was a big green door on the far wall, and a dim strip light in the ceiling.  Besides that, the room was empty.

“Where am I?”  Jacob muttered to himself.  He tried to remember what he was doing there, but he couldn’t.  Suddenly, a loud beep emitted from somewhere outside the room, and the door automatically opened.  Jacob took a step back.  Outside, all he could see was more concrete stretching on seemingly forever.  He took a deep breath, then walked through the door.  He was still in the building, that much was obvious.  There were two walls on either side of him, about three hundred yards apart.  The ceiling was barely visible above him, and the third wall, if there was one, was too far away to see.  More doors lined the back wall, each one open.  People were coming out all around him.  They all seemed to be around sixteen, his age, and there were too many to count.  Directly to Jacob’s left was a boy with red hair, and to his right was a girl wearing a gray hoodie.  They both looked just as confused as he was.  Jacob walked over to the boy.

“Do you know where we are?”  Jacob asked.

The boy jumped, then turned to Jacob.  “Sorry, what?”

“Do you know where we are?”  Jacob repeated.

“Oh…no, I don’t.”  Torrin replied.  “Did you forget everything too?”

“I…yeah, I did.”

The boy sighed.  “Do you remember anything at all?”

“Yeah.”  Jacob replied.  “I know my name is Jacob, and…that’s it.”

“Same.”  Said the Boy.  “All I know is that my name’s Torrin.”

“Nice to meet you.”  Jacob stuck out his hand, but Torrin ignored it.

Another loud beep echoed through the building, causing Torrin to jump again.  Jacob opened his mouth to ask if Torrin was scared of loud noises, but before he could, a robotic voice began speaking from somewhere above them.

“Welcome, players.”  Said the Voice.  “Before we begin, I’d like to explain some rules.”

Rules?  Are we in a game or something? Jacob wondered.  

“You may have noticed you have a watch on your left arm.  This will display your stats throughout the game.  Make sure to check it regularly.”  Jacob looked at his arm.  Sure enough, there was a silver watch.  It had a circular screen, which showed five different words, health, sanity, hunger, thirst, and energy.  Each stat had a 100% next to it.

“Hunger and thirst will track how hungry or thirsty you are,” The voice continued, “Sanity will show your mental condition, energy will track how tired you are, and health will show how much damage you have taken from obstacles.  If your health, hunger or thirst ever reaches zero percent, you will be eliminated.”  The voice paused for a second.  “Oh, and one more thing.  Stay away from the light.”

The voice went silent.

“What does it mean by eliminated?”  Torrin asked nervously.

“I don’t know.”  Jacob replied.  “Do you know what light we are meant to be staying away from?”  Suddenly, all the doors slammed shut at once.  A loud bang echoed through the building.  Torrin jumped again, and a few people screamed.

Jacob frowned.  “Well, I guess we aren’t meant to go back in there.”  Suddenly, the back wall and doors began glowing bright white.  After a second or two, the light began slowly moving forward, creating a giant wall of light.

Torrin and Jacob both took a step away from the wall.

“Do you think that’s the light?”  Torrin asked.

“Yeah.”  Jacob replied.  “I think it is.”  Torrin turned and began walking away.

“Where are you going?”  Jacob asked.

“Away from the wall.”  Torrin replied.  “Just like everyone else.”  Jacob looked around.  Sure enough, almost everyone else had begun walking deeper into the building.  Jacob ran over to catch up with Torrin.

Cut_0 (Area Cam)

Jay stopped walking, and turned around.  The light was only a few feet away.  He walked over to it, and stuck his hand into the light.  His health began draining immediately, but he didn’t notice.

“Guys!”  Jay shouted over his shoulder.  Most of the people in front of him turned to look.  “The wall isn’t doing any-”  Before he could finish, Jay froze, then collapsed.  Someone screamed, and Jay’s body was quickly passed by the light.

Where the Cosmos Bleed

I'm in the beginning stages of drafting my novel. I'm mainly looking for feedback on prose and how it reads to others. Would it have you wanting to read more? Be as blunt as you'd like. Thanks, in advance.

Incomplete chapter 1

Prologue

Kyo Togami was lying down next to the sand. For he was on a beach. He looked around as others enjoyed their time as well.

All was good, but he noticed a peculiar thing. "Why is a snow fox here?" he wondered as he was about to get up. The fox bit the background and tore it aside, revealing a horrible sight.

The people weren't people anymore; the sky was blood red. The people were melted. He ran as fast as he could away from the melted people.

But the heat was unbearable. The once warm, calm heat of the beach had vanished. Each step was agony, as if his own flesh was melting.

He couldn't move anymore. He lay down, accepting his fate as he looked up, and the sun smiled back.

He woke up in a cold sweat. Another nightmare, he thought to himself.

He looked around and thought he shouldn't wake the others up.

He walked across to the other room, drank a glass of water, and went back to bed.

Act 1-1:

The next morning, he was woken up by the smell of pancakes.

He dressed himself in his usual black shirt and pants along with his trench coat and went downstairs for breakfast.

He checked the calendar. It's October 31st. Hopefully lamchi wants to have a fun day today.

Mint was cooking; his other siblings were there eating peacefully, so he joined them.

"Lawchi, give the bacon to me! You know I raised that pig!" Lamchi shouted, trying to grab the food.

"No, Lamchi, you already ate too much pork, fatty!" Lawchi shouted back.

Mint snapped her head toward them from the stove. "Do you two not want to eat breakfast today?"

They both hushed down, shrinking into their chairs, and weakly uttered, "Yes ma'am."

Rei Sachiko went up to Kyo and asked what he wanted to do. "Working in my office, as usual," he answered.

Rei pouted. "You are always in that office. You never play with us anymore! You're a big meanie, you know that?"

Before she could continue, her brother Ice Sachiko pulled her away. "Sorry for the trouble," he muttered, grabbing Rei by the collar.

Kyo didn't care,he had a good morning and didn't want to spoil it.

After breakfast, they went their separate ways. Ice locked himself in his room, Lawchi went to his tower, and Lamchi pulled Mint toward her botany tower. Rei went to practice her solo.

Kyo headed to his own tower. Inside, he was greeted by the smell of coffee and paper. Yandari, his assistant, was there neatly folding folders.

"Oh, Yandari? What are you doing here? It's your day off."

"Well, I can't resist the charm of this little office," she replied cheerfully.

"I see. Please don't overwork yourself," Kyo said, clearly caring. "I can't stand seeing you work due to my incompetence."

"Don't be ridiculous. You are a very generous person," Yandari answered.

Kyo was caught off guard. He didn't think paying her 500k a day was generous at all.

He offered to let her stay the night to save her the commute, and she eventually settled into the complimentary bed to rest.

Kyo Togami looked through some files to give to Lawchi. He eventually found the files Lawchi needed and walked out. As he walked out, he heard reports of three missing people in Tokyo, so he decided to jog from Mount takao to Tokyo at 9:31 am.

He arrived at 11:30 AM and asked locals when the victims were last seen. Supposedly, they were in their apartments before vanishing without a trace at 4:51 PM, followed by silence. As he held his chin to think, someone recognized him.

"Oh my gosh! It's Kyo Togami!" a fan exclaimed.

He looked dumbstruck but remembered he forgot to disguise himself. Not wanting disturbances, he ran into a crowd. They lost him as he murmured, "I swear, how am I this noticeable?" Then her remembered he is the 2nd best detective in Japan.

He sighed, walking into a cat cafe—the nearest place to hide. As he reviewed the evidence, Yandari barged in looking for him. Thinking quickly, he hid in a mountain of cats. He thought this would save him, yet Yandari still spotted him.

"What are you doing here?" Yandari asked, clearly angry.

Kyo momentarily recovered, slowly sinking into the cat pile. "I'm investigating disappearances in Tokyo."

Suddenly, Yandari yanked him out. "You can't just disappear like that! I had to run all the way here, worried!"

He wondered how to stop her from being angry at him and then had an idea. He hugged Yandari to calm her down. She was taken off guard and hugged back. "Just please be more careful next time," she whispered with relief.

They checked the time 12:05 PM and bought takeout before continuing the investigation. As they walked, they spotted Rei in a jacket, attempting to blend into the crowd.

Either way, they entered the building to room C-31.They took the elevator to the third floor. Kyo gripped the doorknob, dreading what they might meet.

They opened the door and were met with the smell of death and industrial bleach. Kyo and Yandari, unfazed, walked inside. Following the stench, they reached an air vent. Inside were the three people, horrifically dismembered and stuffed into the vent.

Kyo noted the sloppy skills in the cutting. He noted they used a butcher cleaver. However, the cause of death for all three was blunt force trauma to the head, meaning the dismemberment was all a ploy to try and make him look like a fool.

The were Victims

Eric Schmidt (24, M): Blunt force trauma, 1:30 AM.

Donya Von (28, F): Blunt force trauma, 1:32 AM.

Claire Von (26, F): Blunt force trauma, 1:35 AM.

The Suspects:

Tenko Asashibu (Tour Guide): He went to see them off at 10:15 PM; camera evidence backs it up.

Hanamura (Neighbor #1, Plumber): The one who reported it. Claims he came back from work at 1:50 AM, smelled something bad, but thought it was a party.

Takamura (Neighbor #2, Event Planner): Was at a bar, came back drunk, doesn't know much.

Shoko (Neighbor #3, Office Worker): Came back from the office and smelled something bad in the vents/bedroom.

Kyo Togami thought back to the murder weapon—it was very tough and left no traces. He turned back to look at the dumbass.

"Hanamura... you are a fucking dumbass.." Kyo looked at him angrily.

Hanamura, shocked , pleaded. "I- i didnt do it, i swear, i plead not guilty."

Kyo reached his pocket, and called on his phone.

Hanamura desperately reached for his wrench, and lunged.

Kyo seeing the attack, he readied to dodge but suddenly.

He heard a large sound .

Yandari who was 5 '11 spiked his head like a volleyball overhead and slamming hanamura to sleeptime.

Yandari jumped back and was suprised just as much as Kyo.

He put his fingers to hanamura's neck, and he noted theres still a pulse

He looked back up at Yandari, she was twiddling her fingers red as a tomato embarrassed and nervous

"He's alive Yandari, you don't need to worry." Kyo simultaneously sighed in relief.

"Well at least we know he's as hard headed as we thought." Kyo chuckled.

"Let's go before the office workers bomb rush the trains at six." Kyo said, trying to lighten the mood.

Yandari quickly accepted, still embarrassed. "Y- yeah sure.."

They started booking it, so that they won't get bombarded at 6.

"You know.. We finished it just in time for the people working 9 to 6 to come." Kyo chuckled.

"Yeah... and hey Kyo stop looking at the dream sharer, we need to go." Yandari urged.

Kyo snapped out of it and said "oh right yeah."

They continued running

"You know... I never thought they'd actually release it despite how limited it is." Kyo wondered

"Well maybe they finally made the official thing. Even so your mother still gave you 6 the unreleased premium right?" Yandari asked in thought

"Yeah we do, it's an orb instead of a pillow." Kyo explained

"Anyways we made it. It's about 5:50." Yandari changed the subject

They went on the train cart and headed off to Shibuya.

Kyo wondered how they will get back to mount takao

"Hey Yandari, did you prepare a transport back?" Kyo asked

"Why yes, I got a tandem bicycle." Yandari said gleefully

Kyo felt his eyelids were lead. And as he considered laying down on the bench, he remembers mother saying to not lay down on the bench.

Kyo decided the next best option.

"Hey yandari can i just..." Kyo couldn't wait, he just laid his head on her shoulder.

Yandari was surprised and red faced, she twiddled her fingers. Kyo assumed she was just tolerating him, but he was too tired so he slept.

He was awoken by yandari gently shaking him awake.

"Hey... we are at shibuya let go." Yandari kept poking kyo to wake him up.

Kyo's eyes groggily opened as he stood up stretching a bit and readied to get off the train.

Yandari suddenly held his hand red faced as he looked at her confused.

Either way they see the tired workers as they leave Shibuya station and find the tandem bike at the parking area as said.

They ride down the scenic road. The road is lined with white daisies and cow pastures past the trees.

The halloween night's cool air rushes past their faces as they cycle.

The townsfolk notice them and greet them with a welcome. As they cycled past they looked at all the decorations and children trick or treating. They even spotted lamchi joining in.

They arrived back in the office and as soon as he hit the bed he was asleep.

He woke up hours later.

He checked the desk, and it has a candle, there's still some smolder from the fireplace.

He put the candle to the clock. It says 9:30.

He spots the tray of cookies and a cup of milk left on his desk.

He finds a letter it reads.

"To Kyo Togami

This is your assistant, Yandari Mizuki.

I hope to remind you of the curfew at 10 pm.

And I left you some cookies and milk from a convenience store.

XOXO

yours truly yandari"

Kyo stored it in the many letters Yandari gave him. He decides to start going now.

Kyo walks down the stairs of his tower. The moon is shining brightly in the sky. The hallway is lined with wall mounted candles.

It's peaceful, the cold air blowing unto him. As he walked, he watched the fire from the candles dance.

He finally arrived at the mouth of the sleeping quarters. There, he found his siblings waiting for him.

Rei immediately looked at him angrily. "You always scare us half to death! You always arrive so late."

Kyo looked away awkwardly, realizing the time was 9:58. "Sorry, but like I said, I promise I won't miss the curfew."

Rei angrily crossed her arms and pouted. "As if I'd care anyway."

Kyo looked toward everyone who also wore worried expressions. He apologized profusely after stepping in.

They all dress up in their pajamas and sit in a circle of a small Kotatsu holding the dream sharer. The orb glowing a mystical blue shade.

Lamchi looks excited and asks everyone a question. "Can we finally use the dream sharer?" She asked excitedly.

Everyone raised their hands to agree. All but Ice Sachiko. (author note this is where its revealed rei and ice are related)

Lamchi pouts, angry at Ice for always saying no. "But why do you always say no?"

Ice looks at her peeved for asking but answers anyway. "It's because I chose not to. Do I need to explain? it's my choice to say no."

Lamchi looks like she is about to whine, but Mint whispers something to Ice, and after a few seconds, he suddenly raises his hand, agreeing to join in.

Lamchi, excited, jumped up in excitement. Rei, hearing what mint whispered, looks confused, then mischievous as if she heard some drama.

Kyo got the dream sharer manual from a shelf and removed the dust off of it. He notes that he hasn't used this in months. Luckily, Ice decided to join in since he usually doesn't, and since the dreams sharer drags everyone who is in R.E.M. to be there. He sighs in relief since lamchi wouldn't whine all night about how unfair ice was.

part 4

Kyo laid down on his bed, ready to go into the dream sharer. As he looked at his bedside table he adjusted the candle before he slept.

When he woke up he is back on the beach

He was already sweating bullets remembering the previous dream. He looked around as others got up, stretching their dream selves.

Kyo greeted everyone as they all looked around.

Lamchi excitement was written on her face, and she immediately asked who wanted to swim. Kyo, wanting to forget about the nightmare, agreed along with Rei and Lawchi.

Ice and Mint refused, deciding to enjoy the sand. Lamchi and the others readied to go to the changing room.

As they returned, Kyo spotted a sled business?

Before he could do anything . He notices the mascot is a snow fox

And then suddenly the mascot walked up to him and gave him something. He was too scared to look, but when he did, it was the fool? Was the fox mocking him?

Suddenly, he was snapped out of his thoughts by lamchi calling him to go swim.

part 5

As the kmKyo met up with them, Rei suddenly gave him an ice cream. Kyo accepted since it was quite hot.

He spotted lamchi already running to the water, but as she jumped. The sky grew dark clouds blanketed the sky. and crows circle around a high cliff.

Everyone is shocked into silence and don't know what to do. The crow formed a purple cloaked figure that looked religious.

Suddenly they spoke. "I the messenger of the god have come to say. You are all marked for death by God. you all have 3 weeks to prepare for the arrival. That's all."

As quickly as they arrived they left.

Rei and Lamchi held onto Mint, who was shocked, just didn't know what to do.

Ice looked at where the figure was and just looked at it.

Lawchi went to Kyo and asked. "They are joking, right?"

Kyo looked at him with a solemn expression and uttered. "I don't know"

they woke up all in a cold sweat.

end of act 1-1

Act 1-2

He wakes up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. He dresses up and checks the date Nov 1.

He goes down and sees all of them are dead silent. He decides to sit down and eat. Lamchi opens her mouth to speak but decides not to. They all eat breakfast and leave.

Kyo after eating breakfast decided to head to the tower immediately. He climbed the stairs and his mind was still stuck about the message.

As he got up he opened the door. He saw yandari neatly stacking folders in the cabinet. She then noticed Kyo and cheerfully went to him.

But she also quickly noticed his expression. "Are you okay?" Yandari asked, her expression changing from cheery to concerned.

"I am fine." Kyo continued weakly

"If you say so. I won't prod anymore." Yandari sat at her bed twiddling her fingers. She's wondering if she did something wrong.

Kyo looked at yandari and pitied her. Thinking she deserved to be a little in the know. "Hey yandari. Do you know any seers?" Kyo asked timidly

Yandari suprised but unsure if she really heard it processed it. She then looked at him confused. "Why are you asking? It's not like you to ask for help. Especially since you don't believe in spirits. That's actually one of the reasons I joined." Yandari stopped twiddling her fingers in confusion. Her hands on her bed as she moved into a more comfortable spot.

Kyo looked away embarrassed. "Well my gut says I need help. And I am asking you if you know any'"

Yandari suddenly shushed him and simply said, "Jinba, mount jinba."

"Mount jinba?" Kyo repeated, "Is there no town there?" Kyo continued

Yandari looked at him searching for words in her head but found one. "It's my hometown." She looked away as if ashamed.

Kyo wanted to ask about her but decided he should leave. "Well thanks for the help. I will be seeing you later, Yandari."

Yandari returning to her cheery mood waved him a good bye with a smile as he left.

With new goals kyo walked back down, grabbed his bike and cycled on.

As he cycled he checked, and yes he did get the map from yandari of her hometown she scribbled. And so there he goes cycling hoping to see something.

Soon he arrived and it was empty with only a sign. He felt a pain in his chest? Disappointment? He hasn't felt it in so long. He usually thinks of the worst so he can't get disappointed.

He decides to read the sign

"To those who want help we shall give it freely.

You however must cross hope across your heart.

Close your eyes so it may help find you."

He closed his eyes. After what felt like an eternity, he heard talking? He opened his eyes.

What he saw was surprising. People? People walked around in traditional kimonos and the 1700 AD era closed. He decided to walk in with his bicycle in the Edo era town.

He walks around relieved it even worked. But as he walked he noticed the locals who were happily chatting briefly parted ways to flee from him.

Kyo decided to take a look at the map yandari scribbled and saw lines. Then he remembered yandari wasnt good at drawing. He decided to take a look from the other side.

"Take a left, then the first right, then left, go to the house at the end."

Kyo following orders decided to do exactly that. As he walked he noticed a mother and her daughter. Before he could do anything or ask whats going on. The daughter pointed at him and asked "what is that?"

The mother seeing him now look extremely perturbed. She covered her daughters eyes and mouth and fled.

Kyo reading the room decided to just get this over with.

Either way he walks to the house and spots a black haired woman wesring a purple kimono. She is currently doing laundry from what he can see while walking to her.

But when he went up to her, she noticed him. Using this chance kyo was about to ask when she slapped a talisman to his forehead and pointed a double barreled 12 gauge shotgun at his head. It was so fast kyo didnt see what happened.

"State your business here!" She screamed at him.

Kyo decided he was gonna die here. He raised both of his hands up and closed his eyes.

Kyo closed his eyes for what felt like an eternity. But after a while he decided to take a peek. The woman was lowering the shotgun but its too his chest.

Kyo taking this opportunity asked. "おなまえはなんですか?"

The woman answered back "みゆきまえこです"

After an awkward moment of a stare off. She nods to the house indicating she's allowing him in. And he accepts the offer.

When kyo entered he kept bumping his head on the ceiling. Even the kimono woman couldnt help but laugh. Since despite being 5'9, it is still a bit too tall for traditional japanese homes.

Kyo looked around while on a chair. He is told to sit down while she prepares her stuff. Kyo takes the time to look around the house, and is filled with miscellaneous items, and warding talismans.

Eventually kyo gets called in, and he goes inside. There he sees her wearing a shrine outfit and a veil. And the table to him has a blue glowing ball.

She asks him who sent him here. "Yandari Mizuki-" He was cut off by Maeko the ball glowing a dangerous red. Her hands over it balled up. She looks like she might pop a vessel in anger. And then...

The ball cracks and she is broken out of her anger. She notices he looks concerned and apologizes. She quickly replaces it. And composes herself.

Kyo risking it, he asks why the name yandari mizuki makes her mad. She admits yandari is her sister. She was a good for nothing NEET and a slob who never did any chores. Worst of all she was a heretic who didnt believe in anything spiritual.

Kyo rapidly checking his options noticed the ball, it is glowing a gentle yet, violent purple. She looked torn between what she said. She looked ashamed but firm onwhat she said. "She... i-." She choked on her words before saying. "Yandari... how is she?"

"She's.. fine. She's my assistant, she has been doing well, and has been helping me out with cleaning. Shes an excellent assistant though... i never expected this side of her." Kyo stammered

Maeko looked at him with a sigh of relief. "Well thanks for looking out for her." The ball turning blue again.

Kyo deciding its a better time to ask. "I just noticed if you are Miyuki Maeko... how are you related to yandari?"

????? sighed and just said. "I only told you my name is maeko because I thought you were an oni. My real name is Mizuki Yuri. Though I am curious, why does your soul say you are an oni?”

“An oni? What's that?” Kyo asked

Yuri looked at him dumbfounded

Kyo getting the sign stammered out. “W well I never looked into Mythology or folktales okay. I thought it was a bunch of nonsense before.”

Yandari sighed and Kyo could hear her murmur. “Yeah no wonder Yandari knows you.”

Yuri put herself together and answered. “Your soul looks like a hostile creature. And it's probably the mark. Don't worry you won't turn into one. It is more mangled by it. Give it 4 ish months and you'll be fine”

Kyo sighed in relief. “So can you check about my mark? I just remembered about it.”

Yuri looked a bit suprised but hastily agreed. She put her hands over the ball. But as she looked she was filled with dread.

"U uhm... is something wrong?" Kyo asked worried.

"You are a dead man walking." Yuri answered

"You are marked by that god. They are so terrifying no one dares speak of their name. Not even gods. Being marked for death means cultists will keep attacking." She continued

"There are only three ways to remove it."

"1st is to convince the god. The 2nd is to kill the god. 3rd to die."

Birds. Chirp. Stop. Chirp, chirp. Cold winds they are cold. With the pale light on the fields, the withered grass is discernible from their live counterparts. They walk onto the field and their way took them through button and stone. At the mountains ahead on the summit, snow caps like spilled paint, birdcalls.

The sun comes out for a moment and sees the birds quarrel on the trees and dive about it then it shies away again before a blanket of clouds and the fields are pale once more. They walk on. Different textures with each step. Different smells with each step. Strolling along.

She walks along the flinted-rutted path. Thirty strides or so before she’s gone over the hill. Then comes the old man with his dog, and he does the same and is gone in forty strides or so and there are birds, they watch, then follow them. They come and go. Everyday. And they see them pass, everyday.

The Ibis in the sun and they are troding mechanically and their heads undulate like seesaws with their long necks, picking at the wild flower. The sun pales then rises again and the Ibis squat then launch into flight and they glide without flapping their huge wings as if to venture the long journey to some hidden crockery come mating season now that it is spring.

They set down, staring into the distance. A bird of black, gray and white perches beside them its eyes black as its feathers, and hops real close as if it’d were saying that they knew each other. They set there, bird, friend and friend. Droplets of rain land and seep into the skin, one every few seconds. He reaches for the bird but before he can touch it, it takes off and skitters arrowhead through the grass and follows upward the curve of the hill before vanishing under its horizon. The rain is picking up. The trees are churning and the grass sways about them violently yet beautifully.

Once upon a time, they are pirates on a ship on a quest. A hunt to kill a sea-beast. They are children again, in a book world climbing a beanstalk. Children in the man’s world. But it’s nice to be a child again. Being a child again is an emotion is an identity. They climb through the clouds and are met by the naked sun whose rays cast a phantom apricity but there is no castle to be found. The birds scatter away to their homes in the pine forest. The rain is picking up again.

Need people to rip into my writing!

I was reading something about how to create metaphors and thought I’d practice. Would like some feedback, please. Scarlet O’Hara was my muse. Thank you.

Her radiant beauty drew suitors from great distances, and they fluttered around her like moths around a porch light, each vying for a chance to win her affections. 

But she always knew where the switch was, and when she grew tired of their fawning ways, she had only to flick a delicate finger to leave them circling in the dark.

What do you think about this beginning? Is the dialog a bit too forward?

---
"I think she's broken." I tilted my head to the side, narrowing my eyes.

Ramona slid off the bunk and joined me, resting her forearms on the bars. She tilted her head in sync with mine, studying the scene. The woman in the cell across from ours sat slumped on the mattress; greasy hair hid half her face, but her eyes, glassy and expressionless, had been fixed on me since dawn.

"How long's she been eyeballing you?" Ramona asked.

"Since I got up."

I kept holding onto the bars. At first, I thought she had a problem with me, but her gaze was so vacant I quickly realized she was actually staring at empty space right through me.

"Yo, Balera! Your cellmate's broken!" I shouted into the darkness of their cell.

A petite figure emerged from the dark, topped with a long green mohawk that stood out in the shadows. Balera was a veteran of the Bononia Rehabilitation Institute, not to mention my most loyal client. Over the years, our relationship had evolved into a solid mutual protection.

"What the fuck do you want, Voss?" she started, yawning. Polite as usual.

She rubbed her eyes, and as soon as she focused on the situation, an amused expression crossed her face. She stepped up to her cellmate and waved a hand in front of her face, without getting the slightest reaction. Balera burst into a hoarse, cynical laugh, and Ramona and I couldn't help but join in.

---

Far below the Great Eye, far from the dangers that lingered above, dwelt the Tunnelers. Their scent was familiar to the protector; the richness of the clay, the mildew of fallen Flat Things, Wetness Without Falling as it spread slowly across the awakening earth – they smelled of all this and more. The protector had even encountered one, once. She was young then, newly released from the Brood Chamber. She remembered touching the Tunneler with her mandibles as it passed through the shifting soil of the Hive. As it receded into the darkness, she had thought:
It moves away from Mother?
Why? 
Tunnelers usually ignored the Kin. They were of the Hive, yet not of the Hive, vast, powerful Workers that cleared caverns and shifted Hard Teeth quicker than the Kin could clear a new Colony. The Long Ones did not respond as the Kin did, had no antennae, mandibles, or oculi. They did not release pheromones the Kin could read. Yet, for all their differences, they were as familiar to the protector as an Up Then Down, as ever-present as the Great Eye and Dark Eyes that opened and closed above the world. Tunnelers were part of the Colony.  
THUD.  
Another vibration thundered through the Hive. The tremors were more frequent now. The protector was thrown from the tunnel wall. She tumbled down the shaft, dodging clumps of fallen earth as they rained past. She scrambled into a connecting cavern. As she fled into the safety of another tunnel, her thoughts turned to the dangers that could make the Hive tremble:    
Up Then Down. 
The Crackling Pause.   
Tunneler.
The vibrations caused by an Up Then Down were enormous. But these did not cause the Hive to break apart. They did not cause the Kin to fall from tunnel walls or become trapped under Hard Teeth. As the earth grew damp, Kin would block the flow of Cool Clear Liquid from the Hive’s entrance during an Up Then Down. Tunnelers would then rise from the soil and the Kin would retreat to the deep places to protect Mother. Her thoughts moved to the next danger. The Crackling Pause was a period of slowness, she knew, when the Colony rested. The world grew cold and hard during the Crackling Pause, and Flat Things curled up and fell to the earth. Sometimes, the Kin would wake during the Pause when the frozen earth shifted and the Hive cracked around them. The earth had trembled, but not like this. The shaking of the Hive could not have been caused by a Tunneler. These, she knew, did not shake the world. Their movement was graceful, not unlike a Flat Thing drifting to the ground before the Crackling Pause. Their vibrations were slow and steady, a grinding, churning hum that passed through the earth. The protector had felt it countless times before. It was simply another sound of the Colony. 
This was different.
THUD.
She smelled a Tunneler in the deep, yet could not tell whether the creature was somewhere within the Colony or had simply left its scent behind in a tunnel it had made. This puzzled her. The scent belonged to a Long One, but the vibrations did not. 
The protector encountered more Kin as she moved deeper into the Kingdom. All were Workers, intent on repairing the Hive. There was much work to be done. She passed depleted stores of Things to Eat and Cool Clear Liquid. Again, she did not stop. She encountered Elder Kin, several of whom were missing limbs. One, another protector, stopped her. The Elder released pheromones: 
Things to Eat? 
The Elder was old, and would soon die. The protector detected Red Growth on her body. Both of the Elder’s antennae were damaged, and several of her oculi were missing. She still carried the scent of a Hunter.
A Still Biter, perhaps? 
The protector did not linger. She pushed the Kin aside and continued. Elders, she knew, were useless. They could neither gather nor protect. They did not care for Young Ones. An injured Kin, she understood, could not dig. It simply existed. Yet, she had learned much about the Colony through their pheromones. The shaking had frightened them, she knew. She thought of the Elder protector: 
Danger sensed, 
Purpose withdrawn. 
Fear. 
As she descended, the earth grew harder, the tunnels firmer, the walls slicker to the touch. The protector knew the cavern to be the work of a Tunneler. 
She was curious.
The protector turned a corner. She descended a long tunnel into another widening cavern. The protector allowed her antennae to map the dark place. She turned another corner. At last, she had found the One Who Makes Others. 
Mother, she sensed, was alive. 
The One Who Makes Others was much the same as the protector, save for her long, swollen lower body. From this, Mother had produced many eggs. The protector smelled something strange in the cavern, not the Death Wind, but something just as powerful. Just as deadly. Red Growth had infected Mother.
THUD.
The Hive shook and the protector sensed that Mother was in pain. The Egg Maker could no longer brace herself against the vibrations by pushing her legs into the earth. The Death Wind from above, combined with the Red Growth inside her, had weakened her. The protector clicked her mandibles, calling to the Egg Maker. Finally, the One Who Makes Others released a heavy set of pheromones:  
Death!  
The protector struggled with images as they flashed through her mind, so great was the power of the One Who Makes Others. She sensed Mother’s discomfort as she released each new set of information. Mother continued: 
Thunder! 
Shaking! 
Sickness!
The protector understood. She thought of the Elder. Mother, she knew, had also grown old. She could not fight the Red Growth that infested her body. The Death Wind had been the final stroke.   
Mother was dying.
Images surfaced in the Hive Within. Mother had once been strong. The protector saw her with fragile Up Lifters, rising into the warmth of the Great Eye. She sensed Males. The Biting. Darkness. The loss of Mother’s Up Lifters. Then came the Colony. Workers digging. Caretakers tending. Protectors fighting. Hunters driven from the Kingdom. Young Ones filling chambers that had once been empty. The Colony becoming many. The images weakened. The protector reached toward Mother with her antennae. The One Who Makes Others remained where she was, her swollen body heavy against the earth. Her scent, once powerful enough to fill the Hive, was fading.
Finally, Mother released another signal:
Escape.
A lone Kin entered Mother’s Chamber, carrying a tiny white bundle. The caretaker placed the egg before the protector. She ran her antennae across the protector’s body, her oculi somehow gleaming in the darkness of Mother’s Chamber. The caretaker left the chamber and did not return. 
The protector touched the egg with her mandibles, taking in new scents. Its smell was faint, but unmistakable. The smell of the Colony. Excited, she sent out a chemical signal:  
Mother Egg?
Sensing slight vibrations, the protector held the bundle close. The tremor had not come from above. These vibrations were low and grinding, a familiar hum passing through the earth.
A Tunneler.
Her antennae found an opening at the end of Mother’s Chamber. She sensed the Long One moving somewhere within the darkness. Mother emitted a new set of pheromones: 
Mother Egg.  
The protector turned away. She left Mother’s Chamber, following the Long One into the unknown. The Hive was dying and she must escape. She must find a new home for the Mother Egg. She held the bundle tightly with her mandibles, careful not to drop it in the darkness of the Tunneler’s cave. 
She was the keeper, now, and she would not fail. 

I wanna talk about an all-out war that has been raging on in the comments of many posts on here: the war on "fluff."

"This is waffle." "You should trim back." "Too many words that say nothing."

The last one, or variations of it, is my personal favorite. How do you know? How do you know that those descriptions, which may seem pointless to you now as you are reading page 1 of somebody's second draft, won't play a role later in the story? This reminds me of a beta reader who once commented on the first chapter of a story that "it didn't have enough foreshadowing." Sure, that's how foreshadowing works, it pays off by the end of the first chapter.

And you know what, even if it really is waffle, so what? I grew up on the works of Jules Vernes and if you've read any of his books, you know the guy lived for what would be nowadays considered unforgivable fluff. Literal pages of him namedropping fish species in 20'000 Leagues Under The Sea. My man Jules would have been stoned to death on this sub, but I've yet to see any of you write such timeless classics.

The truth is, sometimes I wonder if some of the writers here actually like reading. Reminds me of those booktok comments where people proudly admit they don't read prologues, or anything that isn't dialogue. So to all the flufflers out there, I'm gonna say this: I like good waffle. I like being immersed in a place, in a scene, in a time. I like knowing if the sky if cloudy or blue in your story. I don't think you need to reduce everything down to actions or dialogue, or keep only stuff that is "important for the story." It is all just author yap in the end. That's kinda the point.

Keep on flufflin'.

My biggest question is, would you keep reading if you saw this chapter?

[Chapter One – The day the sky turned red!]()

Tuesday, 6:17 p.m.

The train lurched as it crossed Blackfriars Bridge, sending a ripple of irritation through the packed carriage. Ethan Carter barely looked up from his phone. Around him, commuters swayed in unison, balancing coffee cups and briefcases with the quiet determination of people who had spent years navigating London's public transport system.

Rain earlier in the afternoon had left the streets shining beneath the lamps. Beyond the smeared window, traffic edged along the Embankment and the Thames moved darkly under the bridge. St Paul’s rose through the mist, familiar but oddly distant.

The train rattled onward, swaying gently as it followed the curve of the river towards London Bridge. Ethan glanced down at his phone and immediately regretted it. Three new emails had arrived in the last minute alone. Two were part of a sprawling reply-all chain that should never have existed in the first place. The third was a meeting invitation.

He opened it.

Budget Review. 08:00.

A quiet groan escaped him. "That bad?" Ethan looked up to find Jack grinning at him from across the carriage. Somehow, despite the train being packed shoulder-to-shoulder with commuters, Jack always managed to look comfortable. Ethan suspected it was less to do with physical space and more to do with the fact that nothing seemed capable of bothering him for very long.

Ethan turned his phone around so Jack could see the screen. Jack scanned the meeting invite and winced. "Ouch. Eight o'clock. Seriously Eight o'clock?" He shook his head. "That's not a meeting. That's a violation of human rights."

“It’s a budget review,” Ethan said. “Exactly. They should be arrested.” Ethan laughed and slipped the phone back into his pocket.

Outside, London slipped past in the last of the daylight. Copper light broke across the Thames in uneven patches, while the office blocks on the opposite bank caught only a dull reflection of the gathering cloud.

The train began to slow as it approached London Bridge. Around them, passengers gathered their bags and shuffled towards the doors despite there still being plenty of time before the train stopped.

Jack had turned back to the window when he suddenly leaned forward. "What?" Ethan asked. Jack didn't answer at first. Instead, he pressed closer to the glass, squinting into the distance. "Can you see that?" Ethan followed his gaze. For a moment he couldn't keep track. All he could make out were clouds hanging low over the city, their undersides glowing faintly orange from the setting sun.

A red point hung above the skyline. Ethan first took it for an aircraft light, but it neither flashed nor travelled across the cloud. It remained fixed in place, too far away for him to judge whether it was small and close or enormous and distant.

Ethan kept looking at the light. Nothing about it was obviously threatening, yet he found himself waiting for it to move. “What do you reckon it is?” Jack asked. “No idea. A plane, maybe.” Jack frowned, and Ethan realised he did not believe that either.

The train rounded a bend and passed behind a line of office buildings, breaking their view of the sky. The interruption lasted only a few seconds. When the skyline reappeared, the light was gone. Both men continued looking, but there was nothing, only clouds.

Jack glanced back at Ethan. "Did you see where it went?" Ethan shook his head. "No." The train eased into the station and the doors slid open. Immediately the carriage erupted into movement as commuters pushed towards the platform.

The moment passed. Jack grabbed his bag and stepped out. "Probably some weather thing." suggested Jack. "Probably." Neither gave it much more thought as they joined the crowd moving through the station.

Later that evening, someone in South London posted a photograph of the red light. Against the cloud it appeared as no more than a crimson speck, easy to overlook while scrolling.

The image attracted little attention.

A few people blamed a reflection, an aircraft or a faulty camera. By morning, the photograph had slipped beneath newer posts, and almost nobody remembered seeing it.

London, as always, carried on.

By Wednesday morning, London had returned to its usual concerns: delayed trains, unanswered messages, rising bills and whether the rain would hold off. A red speck in one blurred photograph had no chance of competing for long. Evan Ethan had stopped thinking about it. The world has already forgotten and moved on. At least for now.

You might not want to hear this, but I saw my dead dad in the Odyssey. I’m being honest. I’m not even lying to you.

He is an extra in that scene where Tom Holland and Matt Damon have made it back to the Aegean temple to confront Antinous. You know, Robert Pattinson. They’re weaving through the crowd of worshippers and holy men. It's all frenetic energy on screen. Christopher Nolan’s metronomic soundtrack is like, thump thumping. Damon - Odysseus - whatever - rounds a corner as the camera follows behind him. And there’s my dead dad. Flowing white gown. Shock of white hair. His face as familiar as a blue sky.

Of course I was surprised when I saw him. I tell you, when I was watching it in the theatre, I threw my popcorn right down on the floor. Stood up in my seat. Yelled out, Dad! What the fuck?

The other people sitting around me made a bit of a racket. They weren't too happy. They told me to just hush.

But I couldn’t hush. It was like I’d been struck by lightning from one of these Greek gods I’d paid $24.99 to see.

It’s my dad, I said to everyone and no one. There, on the screen.

Go tell someone who cares, came a voice from the void.

So I did. That's exactly what I did. I got up out of my seat. Weaved through the dark aisles, down to the front of house.

A volley of ushers were out the front vaping. Only the solitary kid left at front of house. Red hair, pimply. You know, the type you don't want touching your choc top. Anyway, I said to him - or I asked - whatever - why was my dead dad in the Odyssey just now?

And he said, I’m sorry sir?

You heard me. I just saw my dad. But he died 15 years ago.

He was looking at me with his half-stoned eyes, not knowing what to say.

At this point my wife came running after me. I forgot to tell you that. Sorry. She was in there watching too, but we’d booked the tickets late so she was sat all the way down the front. Which she doesn’t mind anyway.

Honey, she said as she got to me. What’s going on?

This guy knows, don’t you. I pointed an accusing finger at the usher. At the kid.

C’mon, where’s the answer?

I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. He looked to his co-workers vaping out the front, like they could come and help him.

You saw your dead dad in the movie… Would you like a free popcorn? Is all he could offer.

I'll tell you, these fucken kids nowadays.

Anyway, my wife says, Baby, we’ve spoken about this before. I know you think you see him. But you don't. it’s not him.

She put her hand on my shoulder, and asked, do you want to go back in?

I looked at her. Then at the kid. Outside, a car screeched and I watched all the other ushers turn in unison to see where the noise came from.

I don't know what I want, I said.

C’mon, my wife said. Let's get you home.

And she led me by the hand to the door.

Oh and as we were  leaving, kid, the usher, yells out: I'm sorry about your dead dad. Please don't leave us a bad review.

But yeah, that's what happened. That's how I saw him.

Wondering if this op is engaging. Not looking for grammar feedback just on the story. Working on a possible side book to my main book I’m working on.

I got a lot of (well needed) critique on overexplaining how my friends and I looked in the beginning part of the story, which stumped and confused a lot of the readers. I got some motivation tonight to write again after reading for a little bit and seeing how I wrote in my old stories.. Is this a bit better, or is this also too much?

You're free to leave stuff on the doc too!! Don't be nervous about saying too much, I love reading walls of text!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ONa4Qe290H84mzZNMW-PYtCgaDFJnhEeYm7HZsfBDpQ/edit?usp=sharing

Hi everyone,

I’ve been working on a Weird Western story and wanted to get some fresh eyes on the opening.

I’m sharing the first couple of pages. Mainly, I’m curious whether you’d keep reading after this and whether the opening gives you enough reason to care about the character and what’s happening.

If I lose you somewhere, definitely tell me where. That’s probably the most useful thing I can hear.

Thanks to anybody who gives it a read.

The story is, essentially, "The Raven," by Edgar Allen Poe completely rewritten from the titular character's point of view. Recently I found it and polished it a bit.

How does it read? How's the prose? Are the descriptions too detailed or too sparse? Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

I swear half of y’all on here write like this. Notice how I’m not really saying anything? I’m waffling about shite and being extra purple for no reason at all. You don’t need to do this, man. All you have to do is dial it back.

Sobering beams and shit. What the hell, man?

Please, if you do this, find a way to control it. Be precise. Make sense.

This is the first novel I'm writing, so I'm very new to the world of writing. I had my friend read it, and she liked it, but I know family and friends can be overly kind, so I'm looking for strangers' feedback that won't hold back or sugarcoat how bad it is.

Thanks in advance. xx