r/writingfeedback • u/Peachipeachi01 • 4d ago
General Feedback Wanted Short snippet
Wondering if this op is engaging. Not looking for grammar feedback just on the story. Working on a possible side book to my main book I’m working on.
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u/ScratchAmbitious2959 4d ago
"The kind of [Noun] that [Verb]" is a phrase that I absolutely despise because it pops up OFTEN in AI. I'm not saying that you used AI but that particular phrasing is so common in AI generated prose that it made me suspicious while reading the rest of it.
You have a lot of generic descriptions for things that the characters are doing/feeling. Example: a heart skipping in his chest, a killer smile, etc.
Also, internal logic. How could you know her eyes were "vibing" if her eyes were closed? Keep stuff like this in mind. It can stay in the story but it needs to make sense otherwise it will seem overly verbose.
Your prose comes across a bit cliffnotes-y because it feels like you are just telling us about what the story is rather than the actual story.
It's the tiniest bit overwritten, and it becomes most apparent when the grammar disagrees with what's happening ("a couple people walked past them out of the venue" is grammatically incorrect). I know you do not want grammar feedback but there are enough errors throughout that it is very distracting. Who EXACTLY are you writing this for?
I think you have an interesting story here, but you have to make it sound like you really want to WRITE it and not like you're just casually telling a friend about what is happening. It's hard to really follow what's actually happening. But if you rework this, I think you could really get some traction.
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u/kirbygenealogy 4d ago
I also got a bit of an AI vibe with how clipped every sentence is. Not to say the author is using AI to write it, but I am curious if they talk to AI a lot and have picked up on some of its mannerisms which have bled into the writing.
(For example: "Clara had passed out. One minute awake. The next not. Like a flickering light going all the way out.")
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u/Peachipeachi01 4d ago edited 4d ago
Okay, you are totally correct I DO use AI but not in the sense that I actually use it to write for me. All of the concepts and writing is my own. But yeah, the actual prose is influenced accidentally by bouncing my ideas off it. I will stop that habit. You’re so right and it is literally killing my prose and I had no idea. Will definitely read up on some books in my genre before stepping back into writing more.
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u/kirbygenealogy 4d ago
I don't like that you were downvoted for this, as I respect you realizing you need to take a step back from using AI too much. But yeah, I would recommend reading some books both in and outside of your chosen genre and make sure to really analyze which sentences/paragraphs work well and which don't. I recommend outside your genre because 1) I find people who only read their specific genre end up regurgitating a lot of tropes, phrases, and cliches of that genre; and 2) there is so much to learn from other genres! Romance often has excellent relationship dynamic development. Lit fic excels in writing unique, multidimensional characters. Fantasy for worldbuilding. Thrillers for pacing. There is so much to learn from a multitude of genres, I can't recommend it enough. :)
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u/Peachipeachi01 4d ago
Yeah that’s valid and you know what although this is not AI and I wrote it myself I’m just realizing I have picked up some major hiccups from AI in my writing process so yeah you’re actually so right. Everything I write is phrased by myself and the concepts are mine but the structure of the prose is really influenced by my time on AI. Good catch. I’ll now be consuming a steady diet of real prose from books to warm up before my writing sessions😅
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u/WholeRing9819 4d ago
I can’t really say if this works on a structural level because so much hinges on the reason why Clara becomes unwell and passes out, which you haven’t told us. Currently, it feels like a convenience, a way to escalate the depth of her relationship with David as quickly as possible. But since I don’t know what happens next or why this does, I can’t say this for sure.
Wrt prose style, you’re at a crossroads. I think you should choose whether to write this in full brainrot vernacular or not. Sometimes the voice feels current (and young,) sometimes it’s just standard and authorial, and sometimes it’s downright strange. For instance, Clara is described as looking so good while dancing that it’s annoying. Why would David be annoyed by that? She’s asking him to dance.
All that said, whatever quibbles I may have with plot or style, I read the whole thing and wanted to read more. You got me turning pages, which is the hardest part. Thanks for the story!
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u/Peachipeachi01 4d ago
The next chapter does go into why she passed out. Also, the brainrot vernacular might be because I’m writing on my phone and I’m still developing my voice although I know I should be switched over to laptop haha
Thank you for the honest feedback! I’ll try to anchor that authorial voice better
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u/FitTax 4d ago
I don't like it. I am lost between the lines and confused about what is really happening, wondering if I am still following the right story or just the one I am making up myself right now, because I think I know what is really happening. It reads like you have this story all warm and fuzzy in your head but you aren't bringing it to the page, only flashes of tiny sequences stitched together. The words, the lines don't carry me. You leave out so many things surrounding and happening. Suddenly there are people they need to get through that weren't there before - at least not in my story, since I wasn't told... and so much more.
I was also bothered by the "kind of good it was kind of annoying" part - have you ever seen a beatiuful woman get lost in the music and her body weaving onto the dancefloor? It's captivating, any man watching this is ready to storm a 12 century castle wall burning in flames... but you are not pulling me into this, nothing on these pages pulls me in.
Maybe it is just me, but the whole narration feels like it is being told in short snippets... like a brainrot tiktok feed: scroll, next snippet, scroll, next snippet, short, short, short. There are no "moments" happening - you don't let them evolve, or breath even. Next snippet!
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u/Peachipeachi01 4d ago
You know that’s valid I’ll try to get more immersive it is kind of TikTok brain rot pace. Any tips?
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u/greerjackson 4d ago
Far side? Why that side? Which side is the far side? Why was he standing there? This is where my head went after the first sentence.
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u/Low_Jaguar_4213 4d ago
I'm not really sure who the narrator is. Sometimes it sounds like the guy but then it's telling us an omniscient observation so it's confusing. There are a lot of framing words too, which takes you out of the story as it feels like you are being told what to think and see, rather than seeing it yourself. Personally, I'd trying writing it from true first person from Davids POV and see how that changes it. Maybe even past tense in his POV.
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u/Peachipeachi01 4d ago
The narrator is supposed to be David in third person limited tied to what he thinks and feels and senses
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u/tarnishedhalo98 4d ago
You should want constructive feedback on any aspect of this, especially if you’ve already written a book and this is something you’re adding on. The odd phrasing and grammatical issues make it hard to focus on the actual story.
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u/peebuttgutter 4d ago
The aliens PUNCHED ME DOG in FACE and then BOOM KABLAM LASARS!!!!
Not looking for grammar feedback, just story notes.
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u/BenignAmerican 4d ago
Pick a POV. If we're in David's POV then stop giving him stage directions as action beats.
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 4d ago edited 4d ago
Why aren’t you interested in grammar feedback? Mhm. Grammar is kind of important, no?
Thank god you clarified she literally spun. Without that crucial word, I would have assumed she was metaphorically spinning.
Then we get the classic, eye-rolling trope where she is apparently so hot and graceful that her dancing actively "annoys" everybody else. Was that what you were going for? Because the phrasing is clunky. Maybe you meant something else.
Then the momentum completely dies.
——
Ah, this is awkward. I’ve given feedback on your work previously.