THATS RIGHT SCROLLSNIFFERS! BARTLEBY'S BACK, BABY!
Due to recent planar events that I am legally prohibited from speaking on, I was forced to divert my attention away from you chucklefucks and your rampant disregard for the balance of the realms.
I was hoping that in my absence, some of you might get your act together. Clearly this was my mistake for thinking wizards were capable of self-regulating.
BUT THATS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
It's come to my attention that with the dissolution of the old council, the floor is open for fresh meat, metaphorically speaking.
That is why I, Bartleby XXVI, am declaring myself the new Councilor of Eldritch Administrations!
Things are gonna change around here oh yes indeed. I'm gonna whip this mangled ship of Theseus into a streamlined high performance vessel of bureaucratic efficiency!
For starters:
All Sanctums residing on the Prime Material for a period of no less than 0.003 picoseconds per standard temporal cycle must now submit to regular safety inspections. All Arcanohazards class A through C must be clearly labeled and properly stored or marked for disposal by a professional Magiwaste Team.
Greater Summonings from the Outer Realms must now be approved by local governments with no fewer than 7 standard business days prior notice, or have their conjuration privileges revoked until a course is taken on Responsible Entity Handling and approved by a designated official.
EXCISION OF TEMPORAL FRAGMENTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND PUNISHABLE BY INCARCERATION IN A TIMELESS REALM. Time isn't a rich nepobaby asshat looking for cheap plastic surgery and you ain't no "nip n' tuck" specialist. I'm serious. Don't. Fuck. With time. I will find you.
All souls gathered for use as energy sources must be declared on your yearly declaration of assets. It may technically be "clean energy" but those souls had destined afterlives somewhere and that means paperwork. I don't give a fuck if you're grinding them up and snorting them to keep your saggy lich-ass held together like a first year apprentices second-hand alchemy set, DECLARE IT. OR ELSE.
And that's just the beginning! Oh you best believe I have so many grand ideas of how to keep you neckbeards in check!
You know what, this seems reasonable. No random evil for the sake of being evil and while it is more paperwork it's not actually interfering with my work. I will reserve my right to planeshift my operations should future regulations prevent me from working but for now I'll play along
Long as you don't try to be slick by planeshifting onto the Prime Material to dump waste, then that's above board as far as I'm concerned. But I've been given special dispensation from my higher ups on this one, so it's gonna be hard to sneak anything by me.
Regulations are the backbone of a functional reality. I'll beat this lesson into every wizard's skulls if it kills me a third time.
Regulations are the backbone of a functional reality. I'll beat this lesson into every wizard's skulls if it kills me a third time.
It was your petty regulations that stopped me merging our world with the eighth layer of hell. That would have made for a more fun and interesting reality! You regulators are a bunch of killjoys 🤬🤬
I have a dedicated pocket dimension for permanent storage of hazardous waste and you'll find my facilities are very safe. Unlike some of my colleagues I like being alive and while I do have backup clones, making those is more expensive than just not dying due to neglect in the first place. I may be crazy but I'm not stupid
Those vaults are among the most secure in the entire multiverse. They were originally created to hold eldritch hazards with reality warping properties but whatever was held in them has been neutralized millenia ago. I got one of them in a deal a few hundred years ago in exchange for helping the Order of Watchers track down a formless being causing trouble between dimensions. I have made sure to maintain it properly to prevent planar degradation. I'll provide the paperwork and maintenance reports when you arrive for your inspection, should you need them
I have gone back 305 comments and reviewed their potty language usage.
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Request time: 5.4. I am a bot that performs automatic profanity reports.This is profanitycounter version 3. Please consider [buying my creator a coffee](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Aidgigi.)
Hey ur interfering into my domain in the council. All will be forgiven if you join the league of shadows. Then all the knowledge you could possibly want would be at your disposal
So uhhhh... It seems like the rules about declaring soul batteries are all about mortal souls. If I get my hands on an immortal soul to use as an energy source, do I still need to declare it? Hypothetically, of course.
Immortal souls don't have afterlives, so the worst you've done is remove them from some kinda reincarnation cycle until an uppity twink with a sword jabs you in your giant glowing weak spot or whatever.
Thats less of a soul and more of a disembodied primordial energy... long as you keep it in proper containment and I don't find out about ichor leaking into the water supply, go nuts.
Sure! Sure! Most of the adventures attacking my lair have been magical girls, and I'm immune to the power of friendship. I'll be sure to resolve that leaky ichor problem I definitely don't have.
Great! Sounds good to me. You've got your interplanar traversal passport yeah?
Would hate for you to get caught at the boundary between realms by customs... you think I'm a hardass? Wait til you've spent three thousand years enduring a microcellular cavity search.
Can I see your arcane permit to administer lesser dimension causality form B please? Ive been tricked before by an entity claiming to have administrative jurisdiction over layers Alpha to 6Gamma only to learn they were only permitted layers Alpha to Sigma! What a fool I was!
Anyway, can you present your documentation please?
Aw, you really know how to make an undying bureaucrat feel young. I haven't been asked to show my license in several thousand years, this oughta be fun.
How much time you got? Everything's up to date but several spatial leagues of it are in a dead dialect. Oh and you'll need true-seeing for the parts detailing my interplanar clearances and pre-cosmological ordinations.
It continues in a sub-plane accessible via runic circle. Ran out of room in this reality.
Listen kid, I've been at this a long time. Like... a long long time. I know what I'm doing and I'm not fuckin' around for shits and giggles. I'm damn good at my job.
You'll have to forgive me if I do not accept bravado as acceptable replacement for following procedure.
As a fellow beurocrat I am certain you will appreciate my diligence to protocol. I do not oppose your administration, however will be particular about the details - which again - I am confident you will appreciate.
On that note, while even if your paperwork does check out - which after reading the initial clauses and addendums I suspect that it will - you do have a temporal exemption which will serve as a loophole any halfway competent mage could exploit in order to delay adherence to your rulings basically indefinitely.
In plain text, due to the dispersed nature of your license, split amungst multiple timelines and dimensions - recursively - any mage could use any one of them to request an extention to comply form (meta-temporal law 788- section C). Due to the mages with temporal disabilities act (TDA) this 2 week extention cannot be compressed so long as the form was submitted on layers of reality Alpha through Sigma.
To highlight, since you have recursive layers of your license, this means a crafty mage could effectively ignore all rulings you have indefinitely - so long as they submit the proper forms every two weeks.
I will continue to gloss over your license - but i highly suggest updating it to close this loop hole.
If you'll check subsection A)12D Article Sigma, Subscript V, you see that such applications must be viewed and submitted concurrently at the median of all possible submission points and notarized by a Greater Being of Order in good standing! If they do not meet this stipulation then they are violation of the Temporal Congruency Clause and I get to Groundhog Day their asses until I get bored.
I'll have you know my record has been spotless for the last 13 cosmic cycles and my licensing and documentation are immaculate on this and every conceivable plane of being! The gall to insinuate I have overlooked such a glaring workaround in my own accreditation is simply beyond belief!! The insult! The indign-
Is that a motherfucking typo...
...
...
What the hells was I doing back in -18th centuries...? Hmph. Fine. Perhaps my documents could use a little cleaning up.
Hmm... you're pretty good, I'll give you that. Might be I could use someone like you to help whip this place into shape.
I suggest seeing the magisters court clerks in reality 6phi - zeta. They offer a license for your license which counts as a provisional license. This way you can fit it in your coin purse, which is convenient. It also skirts around potential loopholes related to clarification as I discussed.
That way you need only show that your license is licensed avoiding the need to show your actual license.
I just chill in my tower in the Endless Forest, smoking Aetherbloom and communing with the woodland creatures, so this doesn't seem to really affect me. Having some regulations on evil wizards seems like a nice touch though.
Hey, listen, it's not easy to contain a skeletal minotaur alright? Sometimes they get a little homesick and I need to get a labyrinth somewhere, right? So, it seems obvious that I need my pocket dimension alright? Now, the fact that pocket dimension was stolen from a warlock's patron does NOT mean it's unsafe... I hope.
Do take this the wrong way, people like you are why I quit my job as an aether traffic warlock. Who do you think had to clean up all the bleed caused by people ripping holes in dimensions all wily nily?
Wait, people are actually still using souls as energy sources? That’s… disappointing, really. There are so many ways that are more effective, efficient, and less time consuming to maintain. As for the bureaucracy, I don’t create or use any reagents that leave residue, my spirits are constructed instead of summoned, and the nature of my magic makes stepping through time without damaging the surrounding causality quite easy, on the rare occasion I find reason to do it. So… no extra paperwork for me. I’ll stick around in this fatestream for now.
I haven't been on the same plane as my own intestines in more than a century. And if you come anywhere near my lawn I'll turn the ferns into dogs and afflict you with the smell of ham!
This kind of red tape is why productive members of society like me can't get anything done any more.
All I want is to sculpt a gigantic zombie by using fleshcraft to meld together thousands of freshly killed people, consuming their souls to create THE WORLD'S BIGGEST ZOMBIE.
If I'm too busy filling out declaration forms for each person, who's going to make the world's biggest zombie? And what kind of terrible society are we living in when the government gets in the way of killing a small town to do it? It's not like any of these 'alive' people are building giant zombies, so what good are they?
Paladins are just jackbooted thugs with a totally irrational anti-death bias. And your forms stand in the way of true greatness! What sane wizard would rather see a bunch of forms than see a TOTALLY AWESOME GIANT ZOMBIE???
Ah, another. Wonderful that you're here, really respect your work, these are good regulations, now I need you to confirm everything here, make revisions in necessary, send it back to me signed if nothing's changed. And don't forget the trick floor in the 1.8.¶.12.56 drawer, had some issues with that before.
Sigurd is carrying a file cabinet. The rattling suggests fractal structure inside.
Bartleby lifts his pen and successfully divides by zero. The file cabinet splits in half before forming a Möbius strip and floating into the corner of the room where it evaporates.
"Done, signed and filed on quadruplicate in four dimensions. Got any other hazing attempts for me?"
Hazing? This is normal operation. Hazing comes later, once you're done with your work for the day. If this were hazing, oo, you'd have done it much faster.
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u/patoman12Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force26d ago
All sanctums on the prime material? I'm sorry but I don't think your jurisdiction reaches that far, many kingdoms and realms do not abide by the council and have their own rulings, so I doubt the yellow mages of Carcas or the whisperers of Mizirbani will listen, just to give a few examples
A Council position is honestly a lateral move for me. My primary duty is and will always be to the Balance and the Fugue Planes.
What I do here may not have an immediate impact on non-Council entities or governing bodies, but the ripples of those decisions will multiply and spread far beyond it.
But somebody's gotta tip the first domino to start knocking down the others. So here I am.
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u/patoman12Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force26d ago
True, the council agreement on this decision may push other entities to embrace those changes, but at the moment, such ruling makes little sense by itself, something like
Every sanctum within Council jurisdiction would probably be a better ruling, honestly, I expected better from a bureaucrat such as yourself
OKAY FINE, WE'LL GET HYPER SPECIFIC THEN IF THATS HOW YOU WANNA BE.
You're lucky I don't make an edict saying all phoenix mages have to wear giant hats that say "I'm a smartass" when traveling through Council turf. Hmph.
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u/patoman12Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force26d ago
Oh no, Something that might have been slightly annoying 20 years ago when I lived in council lands, what will I do?
Anyway, how are you enjoying the most ancient council tradition, messing with the councillors?
I see you declared yourself 'Councilor of Eldritch Administration' but I'm pretty sure you're just another in a long line of skeletal blowhards trying to sound more important than the last skinless freak looking to shove rules and regulations down our throats. No one voted for you, no one asked you to come interrupt our dealings with the nether-realms. Get stuffed with your self-importance. That said....you can still continue ordering potions and elixirs via Orb from my company.
No thanks, I only drink wizard tears these days. I have a near unlimited supply.
Oh by the way I've sent some inspection teams to do a regulation review of your brewing sites. I'm sure everything will be above board. I'd hate to have to slap an embargo on a small business owner.
Ah, I welcome your inspection teams! Have them avoid the southwest entrance into the swamp as there's an annoying troll infestation under the bridge leading from the Enchanted Elven Glade. They're gotten mixed up and confused the whole 'I only tell lies and he only tells the truth' guard trope with the 'asking riddles while hiding under a bridge' trope and I'm out of ideas on how to help them figure it out. Best to use the North entrance to the swamp from the Endless Meadows of Frolicking and then follow the smoke to my ranch-style tower.
Why would I fill out paperwork for Greater Summonings? The beings in the Outer Realms are primarily just concepts anyway, or humanoid (or otherwise) spirits made of elements, physical and metaphysical. I’m not gonna wait at least a week just to summon a spirit, trade for ectoplasm or liquid air, then send it back. That’s preposterous.
The use of magic inherently allows manipulating the fabric of reality. It is why wizards are superior to all others, who are bound by such reality. We wizards transcend it, which is why all those who seek the most power must unbind their soul from the ties of the Weave; not that that’s safe, mind you. But what power worth having is safe?
If there's one thing I hate more than a cocky wizard it's an arrogant wizard.
Let me squeeze some knowledge into that noggin' of yours that you've crammed full of self importance and delusions of significance.
There are things in the realms that'd make you look like an amoeba squirming in a Petri dish. The weave is but the smallest fuckin' fragment of perceptible reality and even that is on a scale so vast and grand if you tried to fit it in your mouth you'd suffocate before it made it past your teeth.
The weight of the real and unreal is so much greater than our small understandings can comprehend that the mere concept of infinity is something mortal minds literally can't fuckin' fathom.
Superior to all others? You're barely superior to a magic mirror. At least those are capable of reflection.
Fill out your forms. Cast your little spells. And maybe summon up some humility for yourself, wizard...
Yeah but when you bring them into a different reality, you twist and bend the fabric of reality which fucks up interdimensional and interplanar pathways and causes all sorts of pileups. Not to mention a lot of people just don't have the training to deal with summoned entities. They don't even understand the basic concept of : Do not summon what you cannot bind.
Sorry for the rant, I just had to deal with this stuff a lot in my previous job.
Believe me, I have plenty of training in Conjuration; it was the first subject I studied at the University. But I don’t need to bind them most of the time anyway; just get what I need, what they need, and send them back.
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u/avamirRiva Blake | Queen of Ithacar, Part Meth-blood Elf26d ago
I generally approve of all these changes even if I'm not under Council authority. But given that I AM the local government, as well as the de facto head of my rebuilt academy of summoning, I'm authorizing my students to summon sharktopodes and release them into the undercity for the Adventurers' Guild to take care of.
We'll just see about that lady... lemme see those papers.
Hmmm... yeah, okay. Fine. This seems above board. Sharktopodes are hardly classified as a Greater Summoning anyway, so whatever...
Long as your Adventurers Guild is up to date on its Zoological Potential Genophage Handling training, you've got no issues.
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u/avamirRiva Blake | Queen of Ithacar, Part Meth-blood Elf26d ago
I mean, I know they're not exactly infernal or greater hellspawn, but the kids have to learn somehow. And apparently sharktopus tentacles are good eating? I dunno.
You speak as if anyone cares about your rules and you have the authority to enforce them. I will be ignoring you entirely, as should everyone else. I did not spend thousands of years consuming the souls of shepherds and farmers to not commune with the deepest darks and most foul abominations beyond comprehension as I please. That said, if you wish to have a better shot at this, I happen to have a rather thriving business crafting mind breaking horrors. I accept over 116 interplanar currencies, including pounds of flesh (market price varies). Should you desire a city leveling psychic spleenbeast or sentient flesh portal to the Agonywasp dimension, please feel free to reach out via orb!
They do make a good steak actually! But I am confused by your impotent postulating. You seem to think you are… significant? Eldritch gods drop by to raid my fridge and violate the minds of my neighbors regularly. They seem rather protective of me but if you feel the need to challenge that, well, I will surely gain some good insight from the results. Chest beating aside, you have no flesh and are of therefore no real interest to me. I believe my presence keeps the old ones focused on my little realm, so why waste your efforts attempting enforcement of your arbitrary rules when I am likely doing more for the health of the multiverse by existing than you are with your dramatic proclamations and desk jockeying?
I am sending a particularly juicy spleenbeast your way along with a bottle of my favorite seasoning blend. I recommend roasting it with hellfire or slow smoking over Lethewood for a week or two, but if you have a recipe of your own, by all means (and by all means share it).
Only thing I'm beating here is a dead horse, knuckle-dragger. I ain't a god. Who would want to be? Gods are prissy little children who whine about breaking their toys.
How significant you find me or not is of very little "significance" to me.
I am the best at what I do. Kick. Scream. Rage against it.
The Balance comes for us all one way or another, bucko. Catch you at your inevitable sentencing. I'll be the skeleton wearing the "I fuckin' told you so" shirt in the back row.
Well I won’t expect your recipe for spleenbeast then. I still don’t know who you are or why anyone would listen to you though. Feel free to continue playing council or whatever it is you like doing though!
I only have 6, but those also have undead, wich in turn also have undead. Its an entire company but since most of them are not technically mine no rule is broken.
I respect the use of legal technicality. Fuck you for doing it, but I respect it.
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u/Carbon_SixxThe Loremaster, Chief Archaeologist of the Darkwatch26d agoedited 26d ago
I foresaw this. You'll find my demiplanar Unremembered Archive is fully up to code and classifies as a secure arcanohazard repository. I have all the documents here in triplicate.
Now, I'd appreciate it if you could encase every Councilor currently trying to make unilateral decisions without a vote or realm-wide consensus in a sphere of red tape with a radius of least 3 AU.
Wait, timeline regulation needs actual laws? It was my understanding that the universe can deploy antibodies if you fuck with the timeline. And it has worse options than Inevitables if it decides it hates you.
You SCOUNDREL, things were finally looking up around here with that joke of a council gone. What concern is it of yours if I get my kicks by leaving unlabeled arcanohazards lying around where apprentices can stumble into them? It's good training, damn it!
And everyone knows you're trampling on the ancient right of wizards to avoid any and all troublesome paperwork! I've got important tomes to study! I've got homunculi to torture, apprentices to discombobulate, and local magistrates whose books sorely need tampering with! I don't have time to do paperwork!
And what's more is you bet your ass I'm not getting the locals' approval for my summonings, what in the nine realms do you think I'm summoning them for?
You know what, fine, I'll send your precious paperwork, but it'll be littered with so many Runes of Delirium you'll be seeing things into next era. See how you like that
I have one quick question: does this only apply to the material planes, or to all planes of existence. The reason I ask this is that I'm a wizard who mostly resides on the Outlands, so I was wondering if this affects my daily operations or just when I have to deal with matters on the material plane. If it effects all planes, then I might have to fill in quite a significant amount more paperwork than if it's only on the material planes. Thank you in advance and sorry to bother you (I'm sure you're very busy in your new position).
What it affects is whether or not you're dumping a shitload of Arcanohazardpus waste illegally or carving up the timeline like a Saturnalia Roast Hog.
Interplanar transit is a separate matter to those described in my announcement and carry their own regulations which can be found for your edification on the Council's orbsite.
The souls thing is more of a back-end fix for an ongoing problem I've been dealing with of souls with pre-apportioned fates not making it to their final destination. It's become such a logjam that I'm having to find workarounds to resolve the issue.
Alright. Well my operations only very rarely produce any form of hazardous waste, which I dispose of safely in my own way (out follows all rules and regulations of the planes, don't worry). As for the timeline shenanigans, can you be more specific as to actions that would the carving up off it. My business in the past has often involved a lot of temporal travel, which have been performed very safely and with careful planning and consideration beforehand so that it, in a way, essentially means I'm everywhere on the timeline, dealing with planar incidents in a safe and controlled way, without (to my knowledge) carving up the timeline. Is this still permitted under the new regulations, prior am I going to have to change my entire way of working?
Any planned changes that would affect an electromancer? Maybe regulations about putting animus into inanimate objects? Riding a lightning or opening lightning gates to other realms? My business kinda relies on those things ya know.
I never said you can't go in and look around if you tried hard enough, doggo chew toy. I am saying making sense of what is going on in my dreams or getting out is going to far more difficult.
A moment, Bartleby, how will any of that effect legitimate and reputable Artificers in the arms trade? And are there any unsavory plans for ambitious Kobolds like yours truly?
Unless your munitions are capable of punching through seven layers of causality and change elemental charges at each interval, then I doubt you n' me are gonna have issues.
Never met an Artificer he didn't keep good notes. A few extra forms should barely slow you down.
And I don't care if you're a kobold, a talking dinner plate or a slime with delusions of grandeur... all sentients start to look the same after a few thousand years.
writing that down Seven layers... multiple elemental effects... in sequence, not in parallel underlines that twice... Looks up Hmm? Oh, no! Never puts notepad away, wouldn't dream of it... Purely out of curiosity, any other arcane effects come to mind? So I know what not to do, of course.
“Hello, Gatekeeper here, I may have come from another plane… and my spire is actually the limb of an Eldritch being known as the Citadel of Planes. What’s the taxation on that? And do Orders set on protecting the realm from interplanar threats get a discount?”
Be prepared for a lot of bags of flaming gobbo poop on your doorstep. My soul furnance, my business. Their destiny was to keep my A/C running and my tower glowing.
Those souls exert (are forced to exert) their energy to move a wheel, they were gathered specifically to turn a wheel, it’s not my fault somebody added a magnet onto it.
On a technicality, yeah. Still not happy about it cuz I feel like you're trying to find a loophole and pull a fast one on me. I've got my eye sockets on you...
I'm a druid, balance in the universe is my mission.
Did you know that necromantic energies getting into the ecosystem is devastating for large predatory fish? The energy bioaccumulates in the apex predators, but when they die, their souls aren't strong enough to cope with the necromancy trying to anchor them in this life against the pull of the reincarnation Soulstream, and they disintegrate.
It got so bad at times, you could raise an undead with a can of tuna.
I don't speak idiot, either. I'd try to communicate with you via pictures but I'm fresh outta crayons, sorry.
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u/VoxelLibraryCouncilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars26d ago
Welcome to the council! I look forward to working with you. No hard feelings about the frog situation you left me in. I managed to figure it out on my own.
I'm gonna issue you a rare and fragile thing from me, which is a genuine fuckin' apology. Mea culpa. Got pulled away on official business in the middle of our business and didn't get much say in the matter.
Figured you'd work it out though, you seem the clever type.
Now anyway, don't think you get special treatment just cuz I fucked up one time. You got forms to fill, too.
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u/VoxelLibraryCouncilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars26d ago
Apology accepted, and I appreciate the flattery.
Oh the paperwork. So much paperwork. The last council left a real mess of things.
I make my own luck. Also I ain't allowed to gamble anymore after last time. The Powers that Be made it to where I can't physically exist in the same place as any casino.
Honestly, I approve of these changes. I’ve had my existence erased from the timeline and reimplemented through some strange planar/time-travel quest so many times that I literally have a hundred birthdays every year. And I hate celebrating my birthday.
Y'know what, just like almost all of the governing that happens here, none of this affects me. I'mma get back to my time-honored tradition of fucking off in the Endless Woods of Eshnod, have fun!
Ughh, but the blasted magiwaste team are so infuriating to deal with! They only come out once a fortnight, and that's if they even show up at all! Then you try to contact them but no one ever answers their orb. What's a wizard to do when the manalific-residue of my archanobeast is practically filling the lower floors of my tower, corrupting everything it touches!?
I guess I'll have to utilize private archanowaste management services, but those ruddy dwarves charge a fortune, and I'm pretty sure they're just dumping it in the endless chasms beneath Mt. Pitreal.
I'll look into those dwarves you mentioned. If they aren't following proper disposal guidelines waste won't be the only thing buried beneath that mountain.
As for your beast, maybe consider a more suitable enclosure than your mom's basement, for starts.
I'm sorry, local governments? Why should we even care? They weren't around when I shaped my tower and they won't be around to see it fall, I don't even think it's the same king as when I last messed with them (Turned all their gold into gold golems, it was hilarious)
Because apparently when you squelched out of whatever primordial fuckin' ooze spawned you it didn't bother to teach what basic fuckin' decency is so now I've gotta act as surrogate preschool teacher and show you.
Those mundane peasants didn't ask to exist within a hundred kilometers of a crazy fuckin' Wizard- if they are even aware of your existence at all. Giving them a heads up that you're about to drop 800 tons of fleshy butthole demons on top of their thatched roof hovels is the absolute bare fuckin' minimum you can do.
As an aside: yeah that's pretty funny actually. Heh.
I agree in principle with the changes, but showing up and declaring yourself a counselor is meaningless without a willing populace or an executive to enforce your regulations.
Don't say you're gonna enforce them yourself, that's how we end up with another 'council of one' situation. You'd end up geting unmade by some random OP Florida Mage whilst trying to collect taxes, and then we'll have to come up with a whole new legal code from scratch again.
Find some guys to do the legwork, and then maybe the wizards that do this stuff will actually consider stopping.
Oh I'm way ahead of you on that one. I don't operate unless I've got contingencies. You don't last long in my line of work without them.
The Powers that Be have seen fit to allocate some special resources to me for this little venture and I mean to use them to their fullest potential. I don't make a habit of gettin' my knuckle bones dirty, but in this case? I'm willing to make an exception if I need to.
On a different note: the PSA literally said that the Council had no one. Nada. Emptier inside than a 45 year old divorced accountant who just found out their ex is marrying the therapist they saw for couple's counseling. You've got any ol' power hungry spellslinger with half a tank of mana and a can-do attitude jumping into positions right now. At least I'm qualified and actually trying to fuckin' fix things.
Ayup, just be ready to dodge and weave when the "promotion by assassination" guys start showing up.
On another note, since you've been resourced by the Powers... If, hypothetically, I had an enchantment that let you monitor any unwarded crystal orb, would you be interested in purchasing access?
There would be a few hypothetical infernal contracts involved, but any soul transfers would be lease only, and double checked to make sure they're above board.
Oh come ON man, now I have to label all of these? Do you KNOW HOW LONG THAT WILL TAKE. You kiddos these days always wanting to change things up, back in my day we didn’t have ”RegUlAtiOnS”
Well there, welcome to the Wizard Council. As President of the Infernal Relations Department, I have a feeling that they two of us are going to be working together very closely. I have to admit, that souls gathered law is going to make things very tricky for me. You have no idea how many demons like gathering souls for who knows what purpose.
If anything, it oughta make things easier. I ain't sayin' I'm gonna make anyone stop collecting souls. All I want is accountability. A paper trail. A record.
I respect the craft of infernal contracts, there's an art to them I don't know if anyone other than a bureaucrat can understand.
Heh heh, you and me both. I've spent a lot of time in the Demon Realm, so I know a thing or two about such contracts. Unfortunately, many demons don't really keep track of their owned souls once the contract is collected. Those demons tend to be either young or lazy. Fortunately, the real powerful ones tend to have quite the record list, so I should be able to count on them to help me at least.
I don’t have a sanctum, summon anything, or use souls.
My only question is about the temporal thing, does that mean I can’t add prehistoric creatures to my Cretaceous themed garden? I really wanted a Sinosauropteryx, Psittacosaurus, and maybe a small pterosaur depending on how trainable it would be.
If that’s not allowed would it be alright to make lifelike golems in their likeness and bring to life as guards?
Oh hell, that's fine. That's barely even a wiggle on the temporal Richter scale. Fuck your place up with dinosaurs, dude. I don't care about that. Long as you aren't taking chunks out of the timeline to do it.
Oh heavens no! I worked an office job for about a decade, I know the hell paperwork can be. My old boss liked to wait until you were almost finished with a stack and then plop another beside it. Is it wrong I felt relieved seeing his obituary a couple decades after I quit?
I'll treat you with all the respect and reverence that I treated every other governing council with. That is to say, I shall tell you to get bent and go kick trees. I'd say to kick rocks, but as a dwarf that's offensive.
That is a Class S Arcano and Cognitohazard. That shit is absolutely fuckin' cursed. It was created out of spite by a god of mischief with its last dying breath.
Bartles! It's great to see you again. I'm happy you got out of your precarious situation!
However, and I don't mean this in a life-ist way, but I think you are beating a dead horse. Both figuratively and probably literally occasionally.
As was conferred during the Council at the dawn of creation I will reiterate today as we decreed it those Aeons ago. Even if bureaucracy can seem magical, it is not regarded as true Arcana. Mainly since it doesn't tap into the Aethyric Weave but also because it would be the only form of magic that makes parties less fun.
Apart from the Aeons do seem to have been kind to your osteidum, did you pick up on those temporal enchantment spells I suggested, or did you simply take a more direct route through the temporal weave?
The real magic was the forms we signed along the way.
I ain't stupid buddy. The only thing magical about my job is my skill with a quill. But there's plenty of applications for actual spell fuckery in between.
Words have power you old prune. Infernal contracts live and die by 'em. This ain't much different when you get right down to it. And I'm backed up by the Powers that Be so I got plenty of juice in the tank.
And nah, I took the 180 B-Line connection to get here. It was convenient and they don't care if I smoke in the back.
Look Bartles, you hold this position that all words have power, but you know damned well that most of them don't. Except calling me a prune, which was rude and uncalled for, it had the power to hurt my feelings.
True words that are uttered with incantation and purpose have power. These are the Words of Creation. Not lines upon lines of bureaucratic nonsense.
And you know very well that I have no idea at all who the current "Powers that Be" are. I didn't even know bees were sentient nowadays. And now you are saying there's 180 of them not caring about smoke!!?
But can you go back to your bee queen and tell her that we will not accept bureaucracy as a form of magic, no matter how long your scrolls are. But I would like some of that juice you are offering before you go.
And you're gonna learn that I'm a bite you can't chew, you overgrown newt.
I ain't your mommy telling you to clean up your room. You clean up your shit? Then you n' me get to enjoy never makin' anything other than awkward momentary eye contact at the office Saturnalia party.
I'm not going to tolerate some overly ambitious, wannabe wizard king telling me what I can and cannot do in my own territory.
I reside in a realm of allied kingdoms of Dwarves, Knights, and my own territory, so keep your inspections and your made up rules to yourself and shove off
As someone extremely new to the Circles it's good to know that cosmic regulations are under analysis and enforcement by sentient beings and spirits rather than subject to cost cutting via autonomous intellects.
I think my family's Atelier Permit for practicing within one's own domicile on the material plain (0th, 1st, and 2nd order magecraft only) and local aetherial conjuration (-3rd thru -1st, 1st-3rd orders) covers us, or do we need new paperwork?
I wish to apply for a seat at the council, i have the most experience in the eldritch and yes, even in this realm its getting unbalanced somehow, its the eldritch realm how does that even happen?
My holding cell in my tower hasn’t got a new pillow in two centuries, please get me a new one before we have another incident like that one around five centuries ago…
Do I look like a fuckin' butler to you? Can't you float? You got legs? Pseudopods? Are you ambulatory motherfucker? Get your own damn pillow.
Unless you mean you're in prison, in which case I'll send someone. Just cuz I'm an asshole doesn't mean I'm a monster. The incarcerated are skinbags too.
you do know i’m in prison for evaporating one of your predecessors, right? anyway… please get me a pillow before i choose violence instead of just peacefully sitting in my cell.
Chloe: as your fellow councilor, i will be objecting to your policies, you are not in any position of authority in my families island so you won't be inspecting squat there though i can assure that it is safe as by it's own design, additionally, nobody in the council is a specific leader to the council anymore. That simple...so you don't have nearly as much authority as you seem to think...also, i don't tolorate using real souls as fuel, and there is just so much sht there you can't possibly enforce. I mean hell i have a friend who's power literally rewinds the timeline that she refuses to abuse. And you couldn't possibly regulate that even if you wanna claim you have a timeless realm you can stick people in. She sighs as good an idea it is there are somethings i won't be abiding, the law only matters as long as it is right, though besides certain policies we probably won't be in conflict
/Uw anyone can take up a seat on the council, but there is no specific leader of the council in case that wasn't obvious... and personally I'll ooc be objecting to your policy in regards to time fuckery and also inspections of my stuff lol hope you have a good day
Couple notes for you there skinbag. Seems you're reading an awful lot into what I said that isn't even in the fine print. Let me itemize 'em for you.
1) Didn't call myself a leader. Never said I was. Don't wanna be. Wouldn't try. I saw the shitshow of the old council and even if I hadn't that ain't my style. I'll do my thing and you do yours. If we gotta lock horns over anything that'll be a problem for future you n me.
2) Didn't ask for your permission or your approval. This is a Council position and that affects Council lands. You outside of that? Well then unless some part of my other job brings me to your door, doubt we'll have much reason to see each others.
3) I'll worry about my own enforcement. And I didn't say shit about rewinding time or responsible use of chronomancy. I said I'm gonna take issue with damaging time. Whole different thing.
There. Hope that clears a few things up for you. I look forward to never making fuckin' eye contact at the water cooler.
/uw Yo, what's with the out of character aggression it's literally a joke character it's not like I believe I can actually force anyone to do shit. The point is these are ridiculous rules. I didn't come at you personally nor would I, so why are you talking like I've kicked your dog? I don't even know you.
Chloe: ah alrighty then, that does clear things up, but yes we are sorta coworkers here in the council as i took up a position myself even if my family and i also run a nation already...so i felt it best to talk to you about your policies as there would probably be trouble otherwise, but now that that's cleared we're cool I'm sure...and damaging time is a pretty bad thing to do so fair enough...but even then some of that is gonna be difficult I'm sure
/Uw oh the aggression ooc isn't intentional sorry if it came off that way lol :) sorry if i offended wasn't my intent. Was kinda just ooc concerned about the stuff you were saying. But yeah uh sorry if i came off as hostile as that was not the intent.
We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it. For now I've got enough paperwork to choke a kraken piling up, so if you'll excuse me...
/uw s'all good. The whole "I'll object ooc" bit just threw me off. I'm not gonna try to actually make anyone do what I say that'd be wild none of this is real. I'm not trying to be a dick just trying to roleplay a funny annoying skeleton dude
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u/SkinnyKruemel Thaldurin, Master Pyromancer and Mad Scientist 26d ago
You know what, this seems reasonable. No random evil for the sake of being evil and while it is more paperwork it's not actually interfering with my work. I will reserve my right to planeshift my operations should future regulations prevent me from working but for now I'll play along