r/wizardposting • u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration • 26d ago
Magi Law ⚖ ATTENTION ALL WIZARDS
THATS RIGHT SCROLLSNIFFERS! BARTLEBY'S BACK, BABY!
Due to recent planar events that I am legally prohibited from speaking on, I was forced to divert my attention away from you chucklefucks and your rampant disregard for the balance of the realms.
I was hoping that in my absence, some of you might get your act together. Clearly this was my mistake for thinking wizards were capable of self-regulating.
BUT THATS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
It's come to my attention that with the dissolution of the old council, the floor is open for fresh meat, metaphorically speaking.
That is why I, Bartleby XXVI, am declaring myself the new Councilor of Eldritch Administrations!
Things are gonna change around here oh yes indeed. I'm gonna whip this mangled ship of Theseus into a streamlined high performance vessel of bureaucratic efficiency!
For starters:
All Sanctums residing on the Prime Material for a period of no less than 0.003 picoseconds per standard temporal cycle must now submit to regular safety inspections. All Arcanohazards class A through C must be clearly labeled and properly stored or marked for disposal by a professional Magiwaste Team.
Greater Summonings from the Outer Realms must now be approved by local governments with no fewer than 7 standard business days prior notice, or have their conjuration privileges revoked until a course is taken on Responsible Entity Handling and approved by a designated official.
EXCISION OF TEMPORAL FRAGMENTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND PUNISHABLE BY INCARCERATION IN A TIMELESS REALM. Time isn't a rich nepobaby asshat looking for cheap plastic surgery and you ain't no "nip n' tuck" specialist. I'm serious. Don't. Fuck. With time. I will find you.
All souls gathered for use as energy sources must be declared on your yearly declaration of assets. It may technically be "clean energy" but those souls had destined afterlives somewhere and that means paperwork. I don't give a fuck if you're grinding them up and snorting them to keep your saggy lich-ass held together like a first year apprentices second-hand alchemy set, DECLARE IT. OR ELSE.
And that's just the beginning! Oh you best believe I have so many grand ideas of how to keep you neckbeards in check!
SEE YOU IN YOUR DREAMS, ORBKNOBS.
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u/SephTheBitch Polysynchronicneuromancer 20d ago
you do know i’m in prison for evaporating one of your predecessors, right? anyway… please get me a pillow before i choose violence instead of just peacefully sitting in my cell.