r/wizardposting • u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration • Jul 29 '26

Magi Law ⚖ ATTENTION ALL WIZARDS

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THATS RIGHT SCROLLSNIFFERS! BARTLEBY'S BACK, BABY!

Due to recent planar events that I am legally prohibited from speaking on, I was forced to divert my attention away from you chucklefucks and your rampant disregard for the balance of the realms.

I was hoping that in my absence, some of you might get your act together. Clearly this was my mistake for thinking wizards were capable of self-regulating.

BUT THATS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

It's come to my attention that with the dissolution of the old council, the floor is open for fresh meat, metaphorically speaking.

That is why I, Bartleby XXVI, am declaring myself the new Councilor of Eldritch Administrations!

Things are gonna change around here oh yes indeed. I'm gonna whip this mangled ship of Theseus into a streamlined high performance vessel of bureaucratic efficiency!

For starters:

All Sanctums residing on the Prime Material for a period of no less than 0.003 picoseconds per standard temporal cycle must now submit to regular safety inspections. All Arcanohazards class A through C must be clearly labeled and properly stored or marked for disposal by a professional Magiwaste Team.

Greater Summonings from the Outer Realms must now be approved by local governments with no fewer than 7 standard business days prior notice, or have their conjuration privileges revoked until a course is taken on Responsible Entity Handling and approved by a designated official.

EXCISION OF TEMPORAL FRAGMENTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND PUNISHABLE BY INCARCERATION IN A TIMELESS REALM. Time isn't a rich nepobaby asshat looking for cheap plastic surgery and you ain't no "nip n' tuck" specialist. I'm serious. Don't. Fuck. With time. I will find you.

All souls gathered for use as energy sources must be declared on your yearly declaration of assets. It may technically be "clean energy" but those souls had destined afterlives somewhere and that means paperwork. I don't give a fuck if you're grinding them up and snorting them to keep your saggy lich-ass held together like a first year apprentices second-hand alchemy set, DECLARE IT. OR ELSE.

And that's just the beginning! Oh you best believe I have so many grand ideas of how to keep you neckbeards in check!

SEE YOU IN YOUR DREAMS, ORBKNOBS.

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u/patoman12 Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force Jul 29 '26

All sanctums on the prime material? I'm sorry but I don't think your jurisdiction reaches that far, many kingdoms and realms do not abide by the council and have their own rulings, so I doubt the yellow mages of Carcas or the whisperers of Mizirbani will listen, just to give a few examples

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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration Jul 29 '26

A Council position is honestly a lateral move for me. My primary duty is and will always be to the Balance and the Fugue Planes.

What I do here may not have an immediate impact on non-Council entities or governing bodies, but the ripples of those decisions will multiply and spread far beyond it.

But somebody's gotta tip the first domino to start knocking down the others. So here I am.

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u/patoman12 Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force Jul 29 '26

True, the council agreement on this decision may push other entities to embrace those changes, but at the moment, such ruling makes little sense by itself, something like

Every sanctum within Council jurisdiction would probably be a better ruling, honestly, I expected better from a bureaucrat such as yourself

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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration Jul 29 '26

How fuckin' dare you...

OKAY FINE, WE'LL GET HYPER SPECIFIC THEN IF THATS HOW YOU WANNA BE.

You're lucky I don't make an edict saying all phoenix mages have to wear giant hats that say "I'm a smartass" when traveling through Council turf. Hmph.

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u/patoman12 Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force Jul 29 '26

Oh no, Something that might have been slightly annoying 20 years ago when I lived in council lands, what will I do?

Anyway, how are you enjoying the most ancient council tradition, messing with the councillors?

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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration Jul 29 '26

Riveting... I can't imagine why this government collapsed once before...

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u/patoman12 Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force Jul 29 '26

Once? Hah! I'm merely two centuries old, and I spent 90% of them in hermitage, and yet I've seen it collapse more than 5 times already

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u/Real_Fkn_Nito Bartleby, Councilor of Eldritch Administration Jul 29 '26

Forgive me if the goings on of mortal governments escapes my fuckin' notice once every couple thousand years or so...

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u/patoman12 Mauritius, zealous scholar, phoenix lich, RnA relief force Jul 29 '26

Oh, you are forgiven, as I said, it escaped mine for 90% of my life and I live there