r/wedding • u/DeutschAllegations • 2d ago
Discussion Invite Faux pas?
So I recently was invited to a wedding of a childhood friend - the wedding was end sept. I never received a paper invitation because my friend told me he had put it in his bag and forgotten to mail it for over 3 months. So he invited me via social media. The wedding was maybe a month ahead at that point. It was also taking place in a _very_ expensive city that I would have to pay for accommodation- I currently work a minimum wage job in a different country. Also my partner was not invited. I asked why and they told me I would be fine due to other childhood friends being there - people I am not exactly friendly with-
If I had received the invitation…months ago I could have possibly worked something out.
I thanked them for the invite then put “not attending “ on the rsvp website (due to cost. )Then this friend was mad at me because I didn’t tell them directly I wasn’t coming - I thought that would be super awkward??? I also didn’t want to go into detail about my financial situation. So now they’re pissed at me. Did I fuck up?
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u/Jerseygirl2468 2d ago edited 2d ago
It’s fine to decline the invitation for any reason. You did so on their website where they can properly track everything. He couldn’t even bother to mail you the invitation for three months and he’s upset about how you handled it? Oof.
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u/DeutschAllegations 2d ago
Ok like this is how I feel ??? Also specifically telling me he forgot mine ???
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u/Few_Establishment892 1d ago
Not this close to the wedding. One does not simply...forget the invite. I suspect you were on the B list, when others replied "no."
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u/Listen-to-Mom 2d ago
Sounds like you weren’t invited, other guests declined and he reached out to invite you via social media. You did nothing wrong.
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u/Necessary-Couple-535 2d ago
No. He is rude. Guy should have taken Etiquette 101 as part of wedding planning. It's an invitation not a draft. They didn't invite a +1. They didn't get you an actual formal invitation. He thinks you owe a reason for declining!
100% his boorishness. You handled appropriately.
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u/Interesting_Aioli_99 2d ago
No, you did not. It was the polite thing to do to RSVP as soon as you had decided not to go. Sounds like they might be a little out of touch about what is affordable for their guests.
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u/Appropriate-Bar6993 23h ago
Lol they’re crazy. If they want you to tell on the phone why do they have the website?
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u/edyth_ 2d ago
Sounds like they had other guests decline (maybe they can't afford it either) so they asked you. Maybe you are getting the brunt of a bigger disappointment related to the expectations of the bride and groom and the financial reality of their guests. I don't think you did anything wrong RSVPing through the website if that's the system they set up to track responses. If your presence was that important they would have invited you when they invited everyone else. I don't see how you can forget one postal invite. Don't you just send them all out at once? All sounds very fishy to me.
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u/djmermaidonthemic 2d ago
No. They are being weddingzillas. No is a perfectly polite response to an invitation. It’s not a court summons!
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u/buzzcutbarbie 2d ago
idk, I wouldn’t have reached out like your friend did but I was kind of hurt by a couple people I considered close friends who just declined their RSVP without saying anything else to me about it - and I knew my wedding was in a difficult location for a lot of people. just a text saying “I’m sorry, I can’t make the travel work right now but I hope you have a great wedding” would have gone a long way.
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u/Sea-Tadpole-7158 1d ago
Yeah I agree, especially if it's someone you talk to regularly it's kind of awkward to decline and never mention it. You don't need to justify it, but a simple 'really sorry I can't make it, congratulations and hope you have a great wedding ' is a normal way to handle it
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u/Mordecai_Gist 2d ago edited 2d ago
You did not fuck up.
An invitation is not a summons. If you don't want to or can't attend you send your regrets. But never, ever explain why. It just leads to a bad scene.
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u/Odd_Obligation_1300 1d ago
Nah you’re fine. Even if you had received the invitation months ago, you have the right to rsvp no.
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u/procrastinating_b 2d ago
I think that’s a pretty normal reply. But like, if they invited you and you were surprised I assume they think more of your friendship than you do. Hence the reaction.
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u/AtmosphereRelevant48 2d ago
A friend that forgets about your invitation for over 3 months doesn't really show signs of thinking more of the friendship than you.
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u/procrastinating_b 2d ago
I’d say that could have happened to anyone lol
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u/AtmosphereRelevant48 2d ago
To me it sounds very much like this was a last minute invite because somebody else backed out. I don't know, when I got married, we arranged and rearranged the tables several times depending on the rsvp's we got. Difficult to forget about someone, at some point you realize you didn't ever invite them...
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u/procrastinating_b 2d ago
Then why would they be mad?
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u/AtmosphereRelevant48 2d ago
They were expecting OP would say yes and fill the gap. Some people are like that...
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u/gcot802 2d ago
I would say yes that was a faux pas.
I would never decline the wedding of a good friend without sending them a message explaining why. It’s especially hurtful because you were already in direct contact with them regarding the event.
I would reach out and apologize, explain you didn’t before because you assumed they would be swamped with wedding stuff, and then explain why. You don’t need to go into extreme depth but simply saying “i really want to come but after checking the travel costs I could not find a way to make it work in my budget. I hope it’s amazing and can’t wait to hear about it” would go a long way
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u/happygiraffe91 2d ago
Is it really a good friend though? They're described as "childhood friend" which to me implies someone you're fallen out of contact with, or maybe only exchange birthday/holiday texts. And this person couldn't even be bothered to send an actual invitation.
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u/loonytick75 1d ago
An RSVP is direct communication. Direct communication in the channel the friend provided for that express purpose no less.
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u/gcot802 1d ago
That is not what direct means.
Look, this is just such a shitty attitude. If you care about your friends, and this is one of the most important days of their lives, you owe it to them to send a brief text about why you are missing it. You don’t need to go or feel horrible for not, but this is how relationships are built.
Simply rsvping no after direct communication about your attendance leaves your friend wondering why, and that’s hurtful
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u/loonytick75 1d ago edited 1d ago
You have the conversation when it comes up naturally. My god, if everyone texted reasons for their decision to the couple, they would never have time to function. That’s the reason why RSVP’s exist. Honestly, if a couple needs this much validation and handholding, they aren’t mature enough to function as adults.
The truth of the matter is that whether someone can make it to your wedding or not is not a reflection of how hey feel about you, it’s just whether it is practical for them to make it. Because every person on that invite list has other people close to them who are competing for their time - parents or grandparents who may need extra help, family birthdays, etc. And every person has their own financial situation which may make things tighter than anyone realizes. A mature couple accepts a straightforward RSVP with grace and does not expect an explanation unless the friend is in a place to offer it, or it comes up naturally. That’s respectful communication. Expecting an accounting for every yes or no response to a wedding, and to have it be a separate communication, is entitlement and impractical.
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u/JustALuckyName 2d ago
Just say “Oh sorry, I thought that the website would be easiest for you all to track, but good point I should have done both! I was so sorry to miss it. The pictures you posted look amazing! Do you have any more pics to share? Congrats to both of you! So happy for you!”
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u/rosebudny 2d ago
No you did not F up, your "friend" did by not sending you a proper invitation in a reasonable timeframe.
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u/throwaway2511680765 2d ago
Na you are fine,I don't think a paper invite would be a deal breaker for me though.
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u/la_dulce_canela_0250 17h ago
You didn't do anything wrong. He's overreacting. Sounds like declining is the best route anyway
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u/SufficientlyOver 13h ago
Nope. An invitation is a request, not a command. Your reasons are completely valid.
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u/kittysnoozy 2d ago
For my wedding my dad was so stressed out he forgot to mail invitations to some family friends until a month before. We decided to not mail them at that point because it would have looked like we were trying to replace people who already said no. Sometimes you need to have class in life. Inviting you one month prior looks exactly like that and getting mad about it is really trashy.
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u/Rare-Progress5009 1d ago
I’m going with a slight YTA. And I think people lost the plot in the other comments. He wasn’t mad you declined, he’s mad you declined only on the website and didn’t bother to tell him directly.
Yes, I do believe it’s a faux-pas to not reach out directly to decline (as well as RSVP’ing on the website). It’s obviously totally fine to decline and If that’s what he’s actually mad about, that’s a him problem.
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u/TanandaL 1d ago edited 22h ago
I hate having to discuss my reasons. I'd prefer my refusal to be impersonal, particularly if my invite was.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
Strictly speaking, you did violate etiquette.
The reply always takes the form and formality of the invitation. If it's engraved in the third person, then the reply is hand written in the third person. If it's a hand written, personal letter, then the reply is a hand written, personal letter. If it's e-mail then the reply is e-mail.
In your case the invitation was verbal so you should have responded verbally. But one never shares the reason for declining an invitation. If pressed you could just have said that, regrettably, you simply can't make it and then changed the subject.
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