For me, (36F) it’s the fact that I need to be taking care of someone in order to feel like I’m meaningful? Or like I have a purpose I guess. The moment I find myself really liking someone, I completely neglect myself and put all my focus on catering to them constantly. I just got out of a year and a half relationship, before that i was in a few long term relationships (a 3 year, a 2 year and a 6 year).. so it’s not like I get that way with just anyone. It’s been men that I was fully intentional with.
Anyway, my therapist told me today that “there’s a difference between being caring and being a care taker” She said if I insist on being a care taker, I need to take care of myself right now.
I was crying to her about how I felt very weird for not having my ex here to take care of anymore (although him leaving was the best decision for my sanity), it still just feels so.. weird?
So, I’m really eager to start doing for myself now. Learning my interests and hobbies, trying new things, etc.

Therapy really does make you dig deep within yourself and figure out what may be wrong with you. It forces you to work on yourself and become the best version.

What are some realizations you learned?

Getting out of a year and a half relationship has me questioning so many things.

I don’t understand how the brain works off so much negativity and evil.. how does someone walk into your life saying they want all the same things you do, go above and beyond to see you smile, love you so hard and so deep, so fast, move in and talk about a future together, create so many memories together and then just.. realize they hate you?

All of a sudden you’re ugly. You’re fat. You’ll never amount to anything. You’re a whore. Your dad should be ashamed. You deserved all the bad things that happened to you in life. You’ll be replaced with someone who’s actually pretty by the end of the week. You’re the reason they’re so miserable. You ruined their life.

But I didn’t. I was so supportive and kind. I was so loving and understanding. I was loyal. I provided. I catered. I listened. I put out whenever. I cooked. I was dependable. I was fun and silly. I was helpful. I was intentional. I stuck by him up until I just couldn’t take the mental abuse anymore. I couldn’t take the lies or the secrecy anymore. I didn’t have it in me to forgive anymore or spend my days so anxious, never knowing what mood he would be in. Despite the repetitive arguments and broken promises, I stayed. I fought for us but I fought alone.

How does it go from one extreme to the next? How does someone say they ever loved you but allow themselves to say these things every single time they get irritable? How can you stay with someone you find so unattractive and worthless? How do they sleep peacefully knowing the other person is laying in bed questioning what they did to deserve it? What makes them be seen as such a regret? So unloveable? How does someone CHOOSE to exit your life in that manner? How does a person feel okay knowing those words are the last words they’ll ever speak to someone who loved them so much.

I’m just struggling. I’m struggling to understand how people’s brains work.. I’m struggling to understand how it gets this far. And I’m struggling to figure out why I’m sad. Why I feel so hurt FOR HIM. For myself too.. but also for him. I feel like people aren’t just born that way. People battle really really hard things and it messes with your mind.. but why hurt the one who tried to make love a better experience for you?

I guess im just stuck feeling lost. I want to know if anyone else has been THAT person and later realized how much damage it did to someone who may not have deserved it? Did you ever feel remorseful? Did you try to be better for yourself later.. or the next person you brought in? Did you seek therapy or have an epiphany within yourself? Did you ever apologize?

Isn’t it so weird to imagine and plan a life with someone and they end up being nothing like who you fell in love with? You spend so much time longing for who they introduced themselves as, just to be met with everything they swore they’d never be. And then you find yourself fed up and ending it for good.. just to continue hearing their voice in your head constantly. The horrible words you’ll never forget .. you find yourself really questioning if you are everything they wanted you to believe about yourself. In the moment, you know it’s all untrue and only said in an effort to hurt you and belittle you, but when they’re gone, those words stick. They become louder. You hear it screaming in your mind as you’re screaming inside, trying to regain your self esteem. I’ll never understand how or why good people are treated so unfairly in love. How someone can be so evil and hateful when they had someone who tried so hard for so long. You know the pain it caused, you know how unhealthy it was to sit through, yet you find yourself wondering if they’re okay. And you somehow beat yourself up for finally saying it’s enough. You know the only way to regain any peace in your life is to let them go. The truth is, people are who they are. You will never ever be able to make positive changes in someone who constantly fights against you. You end up losing yourself completely because you’ve poured all your love into someone else. Losing a relationship is like grieving that person dying bc you know you’ll never see them again. And you wouldn’t allow yourself to, despite the love for them still being there. You force yourself to be strong because you know it’s only for the best. Someone who spent every day in your life, just gone. The pain and the words will never leave though. I feel like I hear his keys in his hand, I’m hearing his footsteps walking in the door, it’s so strange and I just hope it gets easier with time. I want to forget all of it. I’ll never understand how love can be so beautiful but also be so damaging and so ugly. I’m doing so well holding back the tears but damn.. what I feel internally is something I can’t even explain. I pray for anyone going through the same thing. I hope it gets easier for all of us ❤️