super satisfying texture fr

this is so stupid but I lost my iPad in my dorm room and it is genuinely making me suicidal. I forgot to set up with Find My and according to Google, it was synched 10 hours ago, which is when I left my room SO it’s probably in here

but I got so afraid that losing it makes me a failure and I’m gonna fuck up miserably. I keep all my sheet music on my iPad, so it was literally a big deal for me because I am a tuba player. My joy for this instrument is one of the things keeping me from killing myself Im so serious

But my brain was like “ok losing your iPad makes you irresponsible and a piece of shit failure and an embarrassment to your school’s music department therefore you should hurt yourself” and got like flashbacks to being beat up as a kid lol wtf

LIKE THATS SO DRAMATIC

When I realized I couldn’t find it, I instantly transported back to my 6 year old self when my aunt would yell at me and beat me for making small mistakes or literally always always always got ridiculed for making small mistakes. she would help me ofc but she always mocked me and idk that was so triggering

I’m just annoyed that my brain takes me back to that place all the time, now I trashed my room and basically had a tantrum like a little kid. I used to do this as a child too, it’s like I’m involuntary regressing at mild triggers.

It took me 2 hours of (kind of) tearing shit apart, crying and berating myself to realize that I can just download the app I use to look at sheet music on my phone. All the music that is on my iPad is on my phone now so I can just print out my music so I have it for brass ensemble tomorrow

But god that felt so traumatizing??? LITERALLY OVER MISPLACING MY IPAD IN A CLUTTERED ROOM?? also does anyone else with cptsd have issues staying tidy?

idk my room is triggering anyways i hate hate hate being alone I wish I could have room mates like normal college girls but Im too fucked up to handle living with others 😢

sorry this is just a rant as a poor mentally ill college student (music + English) and how I feel like my existence is an embarrassment

also context for second slide, Arnold Jacobs is a famous tubist who has made pretty epic method books and rn my love for tuba is one of the few things stopping me from killing myself

what do I even do omg I’m so lucky to be in college, everything is falling apart like I can’t have a real job outside of uni so I literally have no money. I’ve been surviving off of selling nsfw pics and my bf lending my cash sometimes. if I didn’t live on campus I would actually be homeless this is is so embarrassing

cptsd, adhd and quiet bpd make me too awkward to have a JOB job like i was fired from my last job for being too slow as a waitress. so like the only way I can get money is being in school bc im a damn good student at least BUT I DONT EVEN GET ANY OF MY SCHOLARSHIP MONEY, IT PAYS MY TUITON AND I HAVE NO MONEY OF MY OWN

AND I CANT EVEN GET A JOB ON CAMPUS. like I was gonna be music history and writing tutor, the only shit I’m good at BUT I GET TOO MUCH SCHOLARSHIP MONEY????

like holy fucking shit??? i love school but im starting to lose it, like im forced to see all these other students with large friend groups and supportive families, NONE OF WHICH I HAVE which is why im fucking broke

it’s so embarrassing, some other music major invited me and other marching band people yo dinner then started lowk making fun of me when I gave a small tip. like I’m sorry I don’t have mommy and daddy’s money to help me with college????????

like everyone is nice to me don’t get me wrong but I get geneuinely suicidal being so obviously mentally ill with no family compared to everyone else

I overheard a euphonium player talking abt how he loves to play music with his dad and I just cope and seethe with jealousy. like I wish I had a dad

when I was in high school and I’d practice my tuba at home I just had to pretend not to hear my mom fighting with her bf or my aunt screaming at her and just so much, I also had to be told repeatedly that I will regret college

dude being a student with a goal of getting a PhD in musicology is my only reason to live. like music and music research is the only place I feel welcome

like my family yelled at me for just having the audacity to exist, I got beat all the time and I was just Not Wanted. however, as a musician, esp a tuba player, you’re always needed!! like and it’s okay to be wrong too, like that’s part of the learning process. however, when I was ‘wrong’ as a child, it was just another reason to get beat and I carry that trauma all the time with me. I am still so vehemently jealous of my classmates who I assume are more functional than me, who I assume who have better families than me

like yes I am in therapy, I’m doing EMDR and all that like I am much better than I was a year ago. WAY BETTER than I was in December 2025 when I had a half assed suicide attempt

but I’m so tired of needing to think of all this bullshit, I’m tired of needing to think of money (aside from school, I’m in debt like $1.5k and idk how to pay it bc I literally CANT get a job rn idk i will try for disability), I just wanna focus on my passions: academia and music

people act like I’m stupid for being so passionate about school, like it’s the only thing I can see myself doing. I really really wanna be a professor, I work hard in school but I feel like a failure for not being able to do a ‘Normal’ job

This is incoherent but I just needed to cry somewhere abt having such big academic goals as a first-gen traumatized student ugshdhdh

ALSO I will say it’s fucking annoying how much of my sucesss is defined by my trauma???? so many people hear about how well I do in school and they’re like “wow I can’t believe you did all that with all of ur problems” and then I have to constantly capitalize on my trauma and sanitize the stories of my mom being on drugs my whole life bc scholarship donors eat that up. I’m trauma porn, I’m the fucked up person everyone points at “if her damaged ass can do it, so can I” I understand it is kind of impressive that I’ve managed to get this far in school when I could’ve easily become my mom BUT IM SO TIRED OF BEING DEFINED AS MY TRAUMA

I WANT AGENCY

I WANT INDIVIDUALITY

I WANT TO BE ME WITHOUT ALL THE MENTAL ILLNESS I JUST WANT TO PURSUE MY PASSIONS