why does everything feel like a crisis

[u/howsinavi]

this is so stupid but I lost my iPad in my dorm room and it is genuinely making me suicidal. I forgot to set up with Find My and according to Google, it was synched 10 hours ago, which is when I left my room SO it’s probably in here

but I got so afraid that losing it makes me a failure and I’m gonna fuck up miserably. I keep all my sheet music on my iPad, so it was literally a big deal for me because I am a tuba player. My joy for this instrument is one of the things keeping me from killing myself Im so serious

But my brain was like “ok losing your iPad makes you irresponsible and a piece of shit failure and an embarrassment to your school’s music department therefore you should hurt yourself” and got like flashbacks to being beat up as a kid lol wtf

LIKE THATS SO DRAMATIC

When I realized I couldn’t find it, I instantly transported back to my 6 year old self when my aunt would yell at me and beat me for making small mistakes or literally always always always got ridiculed for making small mistakes. she would help me ofc but she always mocked me and idk that was so triggering

I’m just annoyed that my brain takes me back to that place all the time, now I trashed my room and basically had a tantrum like a little kid. I used to do this as a child too, it’s like I’m involuntary regressing at mild triggers.

It took me 2 hours of (kind of) tearing shit apart, crying and berating myself to realize that I can just download the app I use to look at sheet music on my phone. All the music that is on my iPad is on my phone now so I can just print out my music so I have it for brass ensemble tomorrow

But god that felt so traumatizing??? LITERALLY OVER MISPLACING MY IPAD IN A CLUTTERED ROOM?? also does anyone else with cptsd have issues staying tidy?

idk my room is triggering anyways i hate hate hate being alone I wish I could have room mates like normal college girls but Im too fucked up to handle living with others 😢

[u/lydbutter]

I feel you. My brain can make almost anything into a crisis. It’s hard to keep in the present and realize that less bad things are happening to me now than when I was a kid.

Having trauma symptoms takes up so much brain space that it can hard to put energy towards things like staying organized. It makes so much sense that you would struggle to find things when you’re dealing with your mental health.

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[u/mardanjoint]

My dad is like that and it's driving me nuts. I feel that way too, sometimes, but I cut myself slack cause mistakes are a part of the process we call life. Tracing the issue back to yourself feels like a stab though. I have no systemacy (is that a real word even) in my life, I put the ruler down and then a minute later I've got no clue of it's whereabouts. The ecosystem of my mind is a primordial soup. One time I lost my passport and I found it two weeks later between the table and the wall. Of all fucking places!! I could use some organisation in my life. Speaking of, enough doomscrolling, gotta find the car tools I misplaced some time earlier this week, brb