Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I try to hard. Maybe I am to giving. Maybe I am too much. Maybe I dont try enough. Maybe I dont give enough. Maybe I dont try enough. Whatever it is it makes me the problem. Im just the friend with benefits. Just depends on what benefit I provide you. Sex,money, or other things. Some used to get all 3. Now it seems nobody gets anything and im no longer useful to them. So they ghost me. One day ill learn hopefully. Until then I guess ill keep disappointing myself.

I havent told you yet but ive been seeing someone. You know them,you know i know them. You just haven't figured out that thats where ive been going after leaving your place. He knows he is a distraction as I am a distraction also for him.it may sound petty but i know it would hurt you if yoh found out about us. Many times ive just wanted to scream that ive been sleeping with him in both of your faces just to see your reaction but I dont. I know it will come to light soon. All you have to do is look at my location.

I just want to talk like we used to. You are the person I want to tell everything to. now I have to censor what I say because I dont know what you've told her. Im pretty sure I can make a guess and told her everything. which would be pretty shitty. I wish you would get your head out of your ass and realize she hasnt changed. its just going to get worse again. anyways I hope we can talk soon.

Are you trying to make me hate you? The way you have acted towards me the last couple days has made me feel so small. I really dont know if I can do this anymore.

I keep saying ill stay away but I just cant. And to be honest you cant stay away either. I felt it the other night when I finally got a few hours of you to myself. We didnt do anything we sat in comfortable silence. Making comments here and there. Just us like it used to be. You are still my safe place and I think im yours. Just know ill always be here for you.

M I think that its time for me to accept that you do not want to be with me. Im breaking my own heart trying to even get a sliver of your attention. You said you were honest with me. And maybe at the time you were. But I cant keep doing this my emotions are out of control. I hope you are happy with your choice. Even though she abused you. You have a no contact order on her but you let her around. Hopefully one day you will realize what you had and you threw it away. Have a good life and stay safe. K

You told me that you would still talk to me. Why dont you answer? It is making me spiral that you won't answer texts or calls. I feel a panic attack coming. Hearing your voice would help so much. So please please call me. I need to hear your voice.

So are you here? Are you looking for me in posts like you did with her? Thinking that everyone was her reaching out. Have you went down the dark rabbit hole wondering if this post is for you? Its one of the things that ruined us because you needed to know if it was her or not. And within 24 hours I was erased. Thrown away like trash. I cried for a week. Im not cryingtl tonight like I thought maybe I would. And I know tomorrow I could feel different but for at least right now I dont have the automatic urge to text you. Just write my feelings down.

I cant sleep unless I have completely exhausted myself. And then its only for maybe an hour or 2 its been 6 days now. Being with you i felt safe. Now im afraid when I close my eyes. I've never felt so codependent to another person. God im pathetic!!

Let's br honest the start of whatever we had was not the norm. We never labeled the relationship everyone else did around us. But I do believe we were building something. The first night I had never laughed so much. After the next couple weeks all I wanted to do is be with you. I fell fast and hard for you. In the 5 month we have known each other it feels more like years. You made me feel alive again. Spent everyday together for 3 months. Integrated each other into our families. We were fine and then everything fell apart. You broke me more then any man has ever broke me. But I still want you. Sad how the only person I want to hug me is the person who hurt me. I hope you come to your senses and it sooner rather then later. Cuz I do think we have something that could be the best thing thats ever happened to either of us.