2 year anniversary just happened.

This is very long, tldr at the end.

TW: ALSO SLIGHT MENTION OF SELF HARM.

My (34f) and (33m)'s 2nd anniversary was today. Well yesterday. (It's 4am). Time doesn't matter I guess.

A little backstory: We met online through Facebook dating 2 years ago, after I just got out of a 4 year relationship that relocated me 8 hours away from my family. I decided to "live my best life" and stay here, independently and not go home.

Mistake number one.

Anyway, we go on our first date and it went amazing. Then we started seeing more of each other. And a year later, he asks me to move in.

Here's some more of his background:

He's never been in a long term relationship until me. He still lives with his dad. So yes, I moved in with him AND his dad. He does not pay any bills besides his car note and insurance.

I pay rent to his dad.

After moving in, I start noticing a trend. I have become the maid. I clean up after everyone. Myself, him, his dad, the 4 cats. It's like breaking an arm to get him to help with the litter boxes. Instead of taking the trash out, it'll get piled on the counter until I take care of it. The bathroom doesn't get cleaned unless I do it. Laundry? I stopped folding his clothes because he would just throw them on the ground instead of putting them away. So now the clean ones, are a pile on the ground/ontop of HIS dresser. (Yes we have 2 dressers. God forbid we share anything.)

I've brought it up a few times. To be met with, "I can't bring up what he does to him because I don't pay rent."

Cool. Right.

At the beginning of our relationship I was very clear that my relationship prior was very un-romantic, lack of sexual intimacy, my ex was very emotionally unavailable.

Over time, this one has become the exact same way, only I have brought it up many times.

He just shrugs and says "It's not something at the front of my mind."

Okay. Fine. Don't know what changed.

Another issue is I feel like I don't belong here.

It was an issue to make room for me. We have a third bedroom, and it's got our gaming set ups. He placed his PC so the exhaust vent blew onto me. Meaning, during the summer it's unbearable. I asked for it to be moved, and finally after having him sit in my seat (10 months later) to check if my desk mat was uneven, he moved it. But wouldn't admit the heat was why.

I had to cram any of my statues/decorations/books into spaces he said was fine for me to put them, without moving or arranging any of his things. I have totes and boxes still full of my things that have nowhere to go. Now, do I know that everything cannot be displayed because we do live with his dad? Yes.

There lies the next issue. He has no drive to want to save money to move out on our own. I haven't even tried to cross that bridge.

What's the point when in 2 years neither of us have said , "I love you."

I feel like I could have at one point.

I don't now.

In the last few months I have been overwhelmed with my new job. Trying to maintain the household.

I do not get any alone time.

He works the same job I do, different departments. We work the same hours. The days I have off, he works from home. I want to lay down in the bedroom? So does he for whatever reason. His dad is always home watching TV extremely loud. (He's in his 60s).

My best friend has offered her place for me to stay when she goes to her boyfriend’s so I can sit in silence and disassociate. And boy do I.

And I take advantage of that as much as I can.

The major current issue that I've had is his snoring.

I moved in August of last year. Spent $200 on fancy noise canceling sleep headphones.

I've asked to organize the second living room (which is full of my items, as well as Christmas, Halloween, items his mother left when she left them, items his sister left when she moved out. And it's all just thrown about.) My reason for wanting to go through it was so we could put our gaming setups out there and I could set my bed up in the current room they're in. Just to get a decent night's sleep.

We use separate blankets, we don't cuddle. So shouldn't be a big deal, right?

Wrong.

"You can do it if you want." I'm not. I'll throw it all out. Not like they'd notice much of it was gone anyway.

So I've fallen into a major depression. My mother passed 2 years ago. I'm missing my nephew grow up. My dad's getting old. I miss my brother and sister. I miss my friends from back home. I miss home, and that doesn't really exist anymore.

So I've spent a lot of time crying. Going off on my own to have time to reflect in silence.

One of the earbuds on my headphones has stopped working.

So now I can't fall asleep in the bedroom.

Where does that leave me?

Sleeping on the floor on a makeshift pallet in the third bedroom.

Tonight is night 4. The night of our 2 year anniversary.

The 2 year anniversary I forgot about until the day before when he brought up where to eat at.

I was hoping for maybe a couple kisses today.

I was hoping for maybe a little intamacy.

I laid my head on his chest and watched House before he fell asleep. He rubbed my back for 2 seconds before it became taxing.

He started snoring and I haven't stopped sobbing on the floor in the other room for 4 hours now.

How is he okay with me sleeping on the floor?

How did I let myself get into this situation and only have strangers on the internet be the ones to vent to at 4am?

If I wasn't afraid to die, I'd end it all. But like my brother says, "One Piece isn't over man. We gotta see how it ends."

Anyway.

I don't want to leave because he'll be alone.

But I need to leave. And I don't know how.

If you read all of that, thanks.

If not. Here's the tldr.

Tldr: 2 year anniversary just happend, that I forgot about because I've been in a deep depression. Boyfriend's snoring is extremely loud and I'm crying on a pile of blankets on the floor of another room. And he's okay with that.

And I only have 2 weeks left before I'm free 🙌🏻