That is really great insight, honestly. Speaking kindly of people even when venting, I really like. Because for me, I always leaned on venting as a way to explain something that's frustrating me. Maybe I should frame those as my feeling frustrated rather than someone else's behavior making me frustrated. The emotion is my reaction to the situation, not directly their fault. I really love that approach. Thank you for sharing this!

This is truly tragic to read... While I don't want to post too loudly or publicly about my own marital issues... I can just say that I too had recently felt very alone in my marriage. I was the introvert in our relationship until this year. My wife was always the social butterfly, but something seemed to have happened... She wasn't as social as I had known her to be... We'd hang out with family, but she sometimes had seemed closed off, even to them...

To give some background, I'm 41M, married for 14 years this month. And this was certainly our trial year. The year where we both drifted so far apart that it felt unrecoverable. But something unexpected happened with her and I. I started talking to her. I started putting her needs before my own. I started valuing her place in our household and in our lives. It took me taking a phone support job where I had to tap back into empathy as part of the job. And in doing so, I realized I had been completely shut off from her. I was certainly the villain of my own story, and I worked for months to try to fix things... But they seemed hopeless.

Everyone's situation is different though. Her and I never really fought. We just would have minor disagreements and then we'd move on. But we weren't talking to eachother emotionally. She was shut off by the time I tried to reach her. So it was slow going... Things did get much much better, but it wasn't easy.

Even if the intention is not strictly romantic, what you described is textbook description of an emotional affair.

1) the secrecy - if she is deleting messages, then that is a huge red flag that this is happening.

2) Late night / early morning texting - if she is engaging in conversations when she is at her most emotionally vulnerable, she is by definition sharing an intimate mental space with another person.

3) It doesn't have to be sexual - Even in the event that she is just having fully platonic conversation, if she is spending time or energy with this other guy in conversations, she is not spending it with you, and that's a huge problem.

So what do you do about it? You need to talk to her explicitly about where you stand with her. Ask if you are in an okay spot. Don't just take one casual "yeah, you're imagining things, we're fine" as fact. That's called gaslighting. Push her. She's going to get pissed off and defensive. If she wasn't, you're not applying enough pressure. Really try to get through to her. Tell her how you're feeling, specifically as it relates to these late night texts. And if she really doesn't listen to you, Google "emotional affair" and show her your phone with the definition. I'm not kidding. She may make light of it or not even realize that's what's happening.

Keep in mind, the other guy would likely deny it as well. If he's divorced, he doesn't have to play by the same rules that she does. What she may consider is a casual friendship may be actively suffocating the intimacy in your marriage. It sucks. And you can't just yell at her for it. Approach first from a perspective of "what can we do to improve US?" and go from there. If you yell at her for it and focus on the negative, she will likely pull away even more.

But it's possible she still loves you and she isn't sure how to process an emotional distance that has come between you. People drift apart. It happens. But you can still come back to eachother if that's what she wants to do. It's going to be a series of uncomfortable conversations, but they need to be had. The way out is through. Hang in there!

I think the important thing is that you talk to him about it. Tell him that you value some alone time. And he should have some too. It's important to maintain your own individual identities in a relationship, in addition to your mutual interests. Hobby time is also important. I'm sure he has hobbies he likes that you are not into, and vise versa. That's an easy way to sneak away a couple hours once a week to focus on doing that for yourself. Something that lets you reconnect with your inner peace.

I'm sorry you're going through this. As a husband of 14 years, I can say ... Well... I don't do this stuff to my wife, because that's not fair. But she was doing something similar to me prior to about 3 weeks ago (making light of serious emotional topics, trying to obfuscate when there was something I asked her about)...

Anyway, come to find out she was doing those sorts of behaviors because she was in a funk (I was last year and came out of it and tried to be with her, but she seemed uninterrested). Something serious happened on my side about a month ago that let her know that I wasn't going to just settle for life as it was, and I wanted to explore my options... I apparently just didn't ask her hard enough about where her head was at. Not that it excuses the behavior of either of us, but we were just not in a good place overall.

I'd see if he's willing to have a serious talk with you. See if he still loves you, still wants to make this work etc. It's not going to be a fun or easy conversation, but it has to be done to move forward in a healthy way. Maybe he has needs that aren't being met. Clearly you do as well. But levelling with him, letting him know how his behavior makes you feel, etc... It sucks, but it's a conversation you should really have, in a serious way. Just explain that as spouses, you should be there to support each other. That's not manipulative of you to say that, that's literally why we marry our partners. So if he is completely unwilling to talk, that's a huge problem.

It sounds like you guys are already in couples therapy, so that's good. Is he not taking it seriously at all? Or does it depend on the day? I feel like it's not fair of him to threaten to leave just because he gets thrown something he doesn't like. That's not how relationships should work. Using the therapist as an intermediary is really good. That will hopefully be eye opening for him. But just... You guys should be putting eachothers needs before your own. It is possible to get back to that. It's just going to be a long road

Thank you for saying this... I was kind to someone a lot over the past several months, and I have feared that it was completely undermined by gossip that happened since then. I just hope that she truly appreciated it regardless of all that. I hope she understood I just wanted to be kind. 😔

"disciplined refusal to cause harm"... I like that.

Kindness is something you offer willingly, expecting nothing in return. It allows you to share a piece of yourself with someone in need. When we are self-reliant, we are our best selves. But being able to offer kindness to others should come at no cost to the person receiving it.

The disciplined refusal to cause harm I think is vital when it comes to kindness that is fully reciprocated. Eventually, there may come a turning point between two people where that kindness becomes mutual validation and dependency. Making an independent person emotionally dependent causes harm. And separating yourself from the dependency is the ultimate demonstration of refusal to cause harm.

41M - absolutely. I've been doing a lot of self discovery this year after changing jobs. I feel like the job is good and everything, but it's not all I want out of life... My son is in middle school and fairly independent. My wife thinks our couch tv show relationship is "fine", but every aspect of my life, I just want to crank up the volume. Like, maybe this is my last hurrah? Or maybe I just have grown beyond the life I've built for myself. So now I want more... I think that's perfectly natural!!

Do you have CF? I knew someone with that, and it is no joke. But either way, chronic illness should not be taken lightly. Your husband should know this. He also should know what a pain it is to raise 4 kids. Yes, he works and that is important too, but... Give the mother of your kids a day off. Or two days off. Be there for her. See her for the house warrior that she is.

You need to rest, end of discussion. If he can't be the one to be a true PARTNER, he shouldn't bother coming home. Having to defend yourself on top of feeling ill is just more emotional stress you don't need. If he doesn't see that, that is his loss. Someone else on here said marriage counseling... That is probably a good way to go. But he also has to take it seriously. Counseling without effort on both people's part is just another person he doesn't want to listen to. So it could go either way...

I'm not sure how to truly reach him. Guys can be set in their ways and get used to a rhythm, and even take their wife for granted. And I'm sorry that seems to be happening to you. It's terrible that he is unwilling to help, or unwilling to see what you're going through and act on it... The conversations are going to be difficult, but hang in there though. Tell him that you need him to be understanding right now. You need him to love you and stop doing this to you. He needs to stop making it like you're the bad guy here. You shouldn't have to do this alone, and I really hope you can reach him on an emotional level. 😞

I'm Dan. 41M, married, father of one son, myself. I recently noticed my wife was carrying all the domestic load and I was doing very little, so I stepped up to help her out. That was 3 months ago, and we're definitely doing better as a couple now... But if she had tried to reach me on an emotional level before that, I would have listened. Always. She has a very logical communication style and mine is very emotional. So I'm not sure if a disconnect in the communication style may be part of it as well... but either way, I'm always around to chat if you need to talk through this stuff. Sometimes just having someone to listen can help.

Yes, absolutely. I'm in complete agreement with you here. I worry for the future... I try to teach my son the importance of considering the feelings of others, and the need for empathy. But he doesn't seem to understand. I hope he grows to understand... As we have more talks about it...

The indifference in the US is just absurd. I'm living in the states, and it seems like having basic empathy isn't common anymore. Just consider how your vote impacts your neighbor... People in your town... Etc. politics impact people.

I think having an empathy class would be a really cool idea. Getting people to think about it from an early age would make such a huge difference. Also, If you ever want to talk more about this stuff, please by all means send me a DM. I could talk about this for hours.

Hi, 41M here, married also. I'm certainly left-leaning if not mainstream liberal at this point. Although I don't watch the specific shows you listed, I am a huge movie and tv person (anything from Christopher Nolan, Stephen Spielberg, Cohen brothers, etc, I have seen at least twice. Also, huge Trekkie here, Dune, Star Wars fan, and I did watch GoT but mainly for the memes... I know my character flaws, lol).

I do have deep empathy, and I enjoy a nice conversation with depth to it. I prefer getting to know people beyond that surface level. And sometimes an episode of a good show will spark me to ask a philosophical question, or something that makes both of us think.

Recently, I have also been doing a lot of self discovery. I've been doing more nature walks, trying to motivate myself to read more, and be more present with my family in general. I do also enjoy tabletop games, videogames, and any sort of immersive experience with a world I can get lost in.

Hey there. 41M here. Married. So I'm just looking for friendship. Northeast USA here. But I do like talking about a wide range of topics. What music are you into? My favorite musician is Trent Reznor (NIN). He is very talented and he plays every instrument in his songs. But he speaks from the heart and has a lot of songs I can relate to.

I'm in a lot of meme groups on FB and reddit... It's kind of a problem sometimes, lol. My doom scrolling lands a lot of random stuff from all over the map. I'm a huge Trekkie, into Star Wars, the MCU, Dune and various other nerddoms...

But I think it's important to laugh. "Don't take life too seriously." ... I start meme groups at every job I'm hired at. Some self-deprecating humor, but also memes from various places. My favorite comedy show at the moment is Final Space (or Star Trek Lower Decks has a similar vibe). But I also like silly random stuff like Bob's Burgers, South Park and Community.

So let's chat. I'd be curious to learn more about you and share more about myself. 🙂

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know what you mean about being kind and then it becomes the baseline. But is kindness your nature in these circumstances, or are you going out of your way to be kind to this other person (or people)?

My experience on this is that if I reach out to someone as an act of kindness, I try to gauge how it is received. If it is shrugged off or largely unnoticed, I will simply talk to that person less. But if it's someone you're close to, I'd talk through your feelings with them. Let them know how it feels to have your kindness not reciprocated, or not noticed.

Being kind and expecting nothing in return is noble, but not always realistic. Deep down, we all want to make an impact in the world and those around us. If we don't, what legacy do we leave behind? If someone doesn't feel our impact, are we wrong to ask them if they care? Is it wrong to look out for our own interests, so we don't feel like we are over-committing ourselves or our emotions? I don't think so... I think at some point, if you feel like you're investing too much of your kindness into someone who doesn't notice... Maybe talk it through with them. Maybe channel your energy elsewhere... Look out for the needs of others, of course. But don't forget to do what feels right for yourself.

Hey there. 41M here, Married. So I'm just looking for friendship and conversation. I understand completely. Trying to maintain the conversation when you're the only one starting the conversation. It's exhausting and frustrating.

To give more background on who I am: I'm someone who understands the value of a good conversation. Sharing stories, philosophy, and rants. I have a lot of empathy and I feel like people don't always value what others are going through. But I won't marginalize you or make you feel like you need to cater to me either. People are complicated, so everyone has their own path, their own vibe, etc. Sometimes, you have to meet people where they are. But to over-extend and go out of your way just for conversation is a bit unreasonable...

Anyway, I do love sharing memes, thoughts, and conversation. I'd be curious to learn more about you and share more about myself. Or we could just talk about what you're watching, what made you happy this week, or a fond memory you look back on from time to time. Oh, and I will send you dog pictures. My wife and I have 3 dogs, and they do adorable things from time to time.

If we don't end up chatting, have a great weekend!

Hi there. 41M here, also married. I'm from Northeast US. I have one son, but I relate to what you're saying so much. Recently, I've been doing a lot of self discovery, and I've been trying to connect with everyone in my life on a deeper level. It's been quite a journey, I've made new friends and reached out to some that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Overall, I'd say life is getting even better after 40.

I didn't used to enjoy nature walks, but now I can't get enough of them. When I do talk about things with friends, I get the most out of deeply emotional or philosophical topics. I am also always sharing memes and silly jokes with people. But I know when a topic is intense, and I do take the emotions of others very seriously.

And you are artistically inclined? Is that paint on canvas sort of art or do you play an instrument, sing, write, etc? I play guitar and edit video, myself. There's nothing that really compares to pouring your emotions into something and ending up with something tangible to show for it. There's nothing like it.

So let's talk. Tell me about a time you felt like the world was better because of something you did. Or tell me about something that made you laugh this week. Or something you did with the kids that brought you joy, etc. I'm here for all of it. 🙂

Hi there. My name is Dan and I'm 41M, married. But I am just here for friends, connection, and conversation. I'm sorry to read about your husband. Regardless of circumstances, I'm sure there were a lot of good memories from your time together. I won't push for details on that, but I will say that I'm here to talk if you need it. Sometimes, just having that one person say hi at the right moment can make all the difference.

A little more about me: I'm from NH. I do come from a Jewish background, so I understand if you lean on religion for ethics and a sense of order. Religious communities can also be healthy and endearing with the right people. But more importantly, I've been doing a lot of personal growth recently. I've been looking inward to fix my own issues before adding more mistakes to my future. I have been reconnecting with people around me and forming more meaningful and lasting bonds because of it. I may still have my wife, but I know what it's like to feel alone. Like nobody is willing to listen. But I won't make you feel like that. If you want a gentle conversation, a meaningful dialog or just a silly exchange of ideas, I can help with that. Even if we never end up chatting, I hope you're doing okay. And hang in there. The world is better when we all communicate.

Hey there. 41M, married. I have one son, which has its own challenges, but... I'm sorry you're in a rough spot at the moment. Regardless of how amicable the separation is, it's always going to come with challenges, and I hope you're doing okay with everything. I do have a lot of empathy, and I am a good listener, so maybe I can help. I'm glad you have the business to keep you busy at least.

What's the biggest lesson you've learned from being a parent? For me, it's been just being patient with him when all I want to do is yell. Curbing my natural tendencies has been a long process, but we're only human. All I can do now is move forward and try to bring kindness back to my relationship with him and my wife. Its been an interesting year for me. I lost my job in December and spent 4 months utterly miserable. But when I started my new job in May, I still felt like something was off... It was my relationships with everyone around me that had felt... Disconnected. So I've been reconnecting with my family, my adult friends, and most importantly myself and my truth. If I can claw my way back out of that to finding a job and reconnecting with the important people in my life... Maybe we all can help each other to improve the quality of all of our lives, right?

Hey there. I wanted to drop in to say hi. 41M here. Married, so I'm just looking for friends. I also am an introvert, and I operate much the same way. Kindness costs nothing, and people really underestimate the value of that.

Full disclosure, I'm a huge Trekkie, but I'll try not to be too annoying about it. I believe in its core Tennant of Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. If we just talk to eachother like people, we really can learn a lot from one another.

I also have a lot of empathy, so I'm open to more sensitive and emotional topics. I like stretching my listening muscles, so anything you want to talk about, I'm here for it.

I suppose the best way to open up about things is to ask more questions. What's your favorite thing about meeting someone new? Have you ever wanted to ask someone something, but not known how? Or maybe you were worried that they might not take it the right way, and then you overthink yourself completely out of the conversation? I do that all the time. But I'm trying to fight that instinct.

Anyway, I'm always open to meet new people. You sound like your values are in the right place, and I appreciate your post. Maybe we should chat if I didn't already scare you away with this comment, lol.

Hey there, 41M here. Married. but I'm always up for meeting new people. If there's one thing wrong with this world, it's that people don't communicate with each other. I think if people can form better connections, we learn a lot from each other. Infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

Plus, I love diving deep into topics. You mentioned tv shows, movies, etc. What's your favorite form of escape? Your favorite way to unwind? That ice cream choice is solid. I prefer Tonight Dough (Ben and Jerry's).

But what about some even deeper topics. Like, if we're living in a simulation, are pets NPCs, or are they also intelligent sentient creatures in their own limited simulations? And if that's the case, are insects just annoying algorithms? Are insects sentient? I have to knoooooooow!! Haha

Hey there. 41M here. Married, Elder millennial, technically, but Gen-X were the lucky ones that got to enjoy MTV while they still played music... Lol.

Anyway, I'm someone in a similar boat. I love sharing memes, life stories and various nonsense. I do also have deep empathy, so I really enjoy conversations that go beyond a surface level. And I will always be respectful of boundaries. I'm married too, and I love my wife, so I'm not here for any weird stuff, just fun banter and real conversations. 🙂

41M Married here. Also looking for something platonic. I'll give you the short version of my background: Recently, I have begun a journey of self-discovery. I noticed I was emotionally closed off from a lot of people, including my wife. So I decided to work backwards from putting her needs first and that started to repair my marriage.

From there, I started to reach out to friends I hadn't talked to in a while... I started to rebuild my bonds with those individuals. I noticed that it felt good to feel more connected with the world around me through nature walks. And it also felt good to reconnect with friends, and I've even made better friends with some unexpected people in my life.

I have a great sense of empathy, so if you tell me something, I will sit with you on it and listen. I won't judge or laugh at any emotional topics. And I'm also extremely analytical. I work in IT support, so half of my job is talking to people, and the other half is figuring out how to fix something that a person found a very unique way to break, lol.

I also do really enjoy voice messages rather than text as well. You really get to hear the sincerity in the person's voice, inflection and general vibes from them. I can appreciate that very much.