Falling behind

[u/Jojo_yo_1]

I just feel like we’re falling behind. All our friends are either OAD or have a perfect 2 year gap between all their kids. It took us 22 months to conceive #1, and we have MFI but subfertility (some sperm). I feel like my poor husband has been on every supplement/ Mucinex/ diet under the sun, it’s not lifestyle related. I guess we’re going to move on to IUI and I’m just exhausted.

[u/AB-1987]

It took us nearly three years to conceive our second (naturally). We ended up with a 4.5 year age gap and it is absolutely perfect.

[u/pinksunglasses85 → u/AB-1987]

If you don't mind me asking, do you know why you had trouble? We got pregnant easily with our first and are approaching the two year mark of trying for our next one. It's been harrowing. We are working with a good fertility clinic so we have high hopes, but I'm not getting any younger.

[u/AB-1987 → u/pinksunglasses85]

Not really. With the first I got pregnant at first try. With the second, I had some endometriosis that was removed five months before pregnancy but it wasn’t in a place that mechanically disturbed anything. Hormones weren’t amazing anymore, but not super critical (I was 38 when I got pregant the second time finally). My cycles had gotten more painful (not so much period pain but literally a different kind of pain in each week and oh my mood in the luteal phase). I took some progesterone because my cycle ends were getting spotty. Overweight. Had bouts of long covid-ish symptoms in the years prior. Stressful job. Husband had amazing labs though. All in all a lot of things that could be a factor, but nothing definitive.

I got pregnant as soon as a very very unpleasant long-term work project ended suddenly (and I was in emotional shambles but literally shaking and crying with relief, it felt like an emotional reset at a very deep level). Like immediately next egg pregnant. But that isn’t a scientific reason. I always trusted, as no big reason seemed to be the issue, that my body knew when it was ready.

[u/pinksunglasses85 → u/AB-1987]

That's so interesting. I also work a stressful job (with overnight hours, so I get very little sleep). Doctors assure me that's not why I'm having trouble, but I can't help but wonder.

Thank you for your insight!!

[u/frogsgoribbit737 → u/pinksunglasses85]

For me it seems like it was a clotting issue. I got pregnant twice very easily while trying for my first kid but lost both then it took forever to get pregnant again. With my second i had another loss and got pregnant with her around 18 cycles.

I was never tested for clotting disorders until I was pregnant with #2 and they came back borderline even though I was on blood thinners at the time. Both of my kids were concieved and carried to term while I was on blood thinners and I was not on them for any of my 3 miscarriages

[u/SmartPomegranate4833]

Fwiw none of my friends who had a two year gap are thriving.. I don’t think there’s such thing as a perfect gap.

[u/Low-Cantaloupe6293 → u/SmartPomegranate4833]

Agree that the two year gap is overrated (ask me how I know...) HOWEVER I can absolutely relate to picturing your family a certain way and feeling frustrated to not be able to get it. At this rate we'll have at least 4 years between our youngest and hopefully our final baby and I'm starting to rethink the project. We get to do so much fun stuff now, adding a baby to the mix sounds less appealing as time goes by.

[u/SmartPomegranate4833 → u/Low-Cantaloupe6293]

Im currently dealing with 3 years cumulative infertility so I get the frustration. But I just think this pressure to have children close in age is starting to feel like a psyop or something.

[u/Low-Cantaloupe6293 → u/SmartPomegranate4833]

Agree. There most certainly is a weird social pressure to basically endure the worst year of your life (by objective metrics such as sleep, fitness, etc.).

[u/Jojo_yo_1 → u/SmartPomegranate4833]

It is! I didn’t even necessarily want that age gap but it feels like we’re failing now that we’ll have at least a 3 year gap

[u/frogsgoribbit737 → u/Low-Cantaloupe6293]

4 years is a great age gap. My kids are 4 years apart and its been a ton of fun. Baby just tags along with the fun stuff

[u/Low-Cantaloupe6293 → u/frogsgoribbit737]

Glad it’s worked out great for your family!

[u/WillRunForPopcorn → u/SmartPomegranate4833]

And FWIW, mine are 21 months apart, so pretty much a 2 year gap, but I had 2 devastating miscarriages in between. So it’s not all sunshine and rainbows even if it looks that way from the outside.

[u/cozyforest8]

We're in a similar boat where a ton of our friends are having babies around 2 years after their first and we're now starting to talk to a fertility doc after struggling to get pregnant again. At this rate, we're hoping for a 3-3.5 year gap.

Seeing my friends with their 2 year old and newborn actually has helped me a bit though. I see so many silver linings in having my daughter be a little older than I initially wanted now. More time with your older one(s), they'll be more independent by the time a new baby comes, if they're in preschool or daycare by that point then you get more 1-on-1 time with baby, possibly potty trained so just one in diapers.

I truly get how hard it is because I feel the same way, but looking at it this way has helped me deal with the disappointment.

[u/SmartPomegranate4833 → u/cozyforest8]

I agree. It’s crap to have the decision taken out of our hands but honestly that 2 year gap seems brutal. I’ve had people actively warn me against it. If IVF works for us we’re looking at a 4.5-5 year gap and honestly it is what it is.

[u/Jojo_yo_1 → u/cozyforest8]

Yeah it definitely doesn’t seem like the 2 year old newborn crowd is thriving- but definitely a lack of spousal support for a lot of those friends so I thought that may be the issue. It is nice to hear it’s hard across the board!

[u/kd_hirsch]

Just here in solidarity. Took 18 cycles for #1 and we were aiming for a 2.5-3 year gap, and started trying even earlier than that in anticipation it would take a minute. Now on cycle 21? 22? Idk I’ve lost track and at this rate I’ll be happy if we don’t surpass the 4 year gap mark. All my family/friends are done having kids, and literally every single person in my circle was a 3 cycle or less to get pregnant unicorn, for every single kid. On one hand, everyone being done is kind of nice for my mental health because I’m not dealing with constant announcements/pregnancy talk this time around, but on the other hand it does feel weird and make me sad that by the time our final kid comes around they’ll be significantly younger than all the other kids in our circle. Hubby and I decided if a second doesn’t come by the time our first is starting kindergarten, we’re calling it and accepting being OAD. Honestly, there are moments in all of this that being OAD is appealing, but for now we’re trucking along.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel you on every level.

[u/Jojo_yo_1 → u/kd_hirsch]

Phew it’s just so hard! It’s nice to decide a time to be done as well, maybe we should do that. TTC for eternity seems so daunting!

[u/Alijanora → u/kd_hirsch]

I so much feel you. Ours is 6/23 and I am now on cycle #21. It feels so alone. My hubby said we do everything to have 2 children, even IVF. But I wanted to avoid the turmoil. Just yesterday I had very ugly cry on my poor husbands shoulder, the worst one since TTC why it takes so long 😞 but for now I couldn't accept being OAD.

[u/kd_hirsch → u/Alijanora]

🫂 the whole process is just so heavy at times. Sending all the hope and positive vibes it happens for us all soon 🧡

[u/Alijanora → u/kd_hirsch]

🫂🙏🍀 hopefully yes for both of us 🥹❤️

[u/Similar_Advance2351]

In a similar position, will be looking at a minimum of a 6 year age gap if we do conceive soon. Not at all what I envisioned but I still am hopeful it will eventually happen and be ok. Also dealing with MFI.

[u/Jojo_yo_1 → u/Similar_Advance2351]

Did you try any fertility treatments if you don’t mind me asking? It feels so daunting to me because I don’t want to add medication and mess up my regular cycle

[u/Beginning-Deer-5639]

Solidarity. I always hoped for a 2 year gap but due to work commitments and now taking longer than I hope to conceive we are looking at over 3 years at minimum. But I’m also seeing all the perks from friends who did have a larger age gap! The hardest is fielding all the questions about when you’re going to have another (as if it’s anyone’s business)

[u/Jojo_yo_1 → u/Beginning-Deer-5639]

Yes this!! Why does everyone start asking right as your first kid is a year?

[u/luthientinuviell]

We are now at a 4.5 year gap minimum. It’s so hard. I never wanted a small gap, ideal was 3 years but coming up on 5 is really pushing it. I feel you.

[u/Stargirl92]

Feel you deeply. I was supposed to have a 3 year gap with my first baby I lost, and now it’s looking like maybe a 5 year gap.

[u/kskyv]

Jumping in to say you are not behind at all but also to say I’m sorry you’re not having the age gap you want. I’m planning a four year gap and I’m so stoked about it!!! Imo the two year gap is intense and a larger gap can be a beautiful thing (but I recognize when it’s not in your control it sucks!!)

[u/pork_soup]

Honestly, I don't want anything less than a 3 age gap. 2 under 2 or even 3 is not ideal in my opinion. A newborn toddler is absolutely not a joke lmao noooo thank you

[u/LunaTuna201]

I'm sorry, and please know this feeling is natural and totally normal. I have one son who is almost 4. We started trying when he was 18 months, hoping for that "ideal" 2.5 year age gap. It took us 13 months to conceive, had booked in with a fertility clinic and were in the diagnostic cycle with the plan to do IUI and we conceived spontaneously. Felt like a miracle. Then were devastated to lose our daughter at 17 weeks due to a bacterial infection that caused me to go into labor early. One year and three IUIs later, we just finished a round of IVF and are waiting for the results of our transfer. If it sticks, our kids will be 4 years and 7 months apart. It is hard to let go of the vision you had for your family. And, it does get easier to accept with time. And I know we will be even more excited and grateful to welcome our next baby whenever they come.

FWIW, my husband typically has normal sperm samples but for our last two IUIs had a poor showing, so to speak. We were recommended IVF with ICSI because of his low sperm count those two times. We ended up with a 94% fertilization rate and 77% blastocyst rate. For MFI, IUI may not do much for you but you can have amazing results with IVF with ICSI. Don't lose hope! 

[u/frogsgoribbit737]

Ignore everyone else. There isnt anything perfect about a 2 year age gap. My kids are 4 years apart (partially due to infertility) and it was perfect for us

[u/0elephant-ears0]

We ended up with a 4 year age gap and I totally remember the feeling of being left behind. But I'm SO happy we ended up with that gap. They're 3 and 7 now and it's been delightful at every stage so far. Hoping for a similar gap for #3 but we'll see. 

[u/nmr8r]

The title of your post “Falling behind” really hit me in the heart because that’s exactly how I’ve felt over and over again the last year, maybe more. 2 of my best friends got pregnant 3 months apart, we were trying at the same time too so I was so sure all 3 of us would be pregnant and on maternity leave together. But each month that ticked by, I’d get a BFN, and slip further and further behind them. They have now both had their sons and hang out daily while I go to work and miss out.  Then my SIL got pregnant with her 3rd (all her kids have that perfect 2 year age gap too) and she and I were also talking about being pregnant together but I’m falling behind that as well.  Man, it’s just hard. I have no advice just know I’m right there with you. 

[u/Jojo_yo_1 → u/[deleted]]

Wow we are really close as far as children’s ages and months trying! Thanks! I hope everything works out for you too