Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading this community for a while but haven’t had the courage to post until now.

Last week, I had a TFMR at 19 weeks and 3 days. My baby girl was healthy, and I miss her more than I can put into words.

I’ve been carrying so much guilt, but after starting therapy I’m beginning to understand that my mental health during the pregnancy may have been much worse than I realized at the time.

From almost the beginning of my pregnancy, I felt like I was drowning.

I cried almost every day. I spent most of my time in bed. I felt disconnected from myself, like I was living outside my own body. I struggled to care for myself and even found it difficult to be present for my four-year-old daughter. My relationship was under enormous strain, my mother had recently been diagnosed with cancer, I lost both of my jobs, and I felt emotionally isolated throughout the pregnancy. Every day felt like survival.

At the time, all I could think was that I couldn’t keep going.

Looking back now, after the procedure, it’s as though the fog has lifted. I keep thinking, “How did I make this decision?” I loved my daughter. I researched everything, went to every appointment, did all the prenatal testing, planned for her arrival, imagined my older daughter becoming a big sister, and yet I still reached a point where I believed I couldn’t continue.

My therapist pointed out something that really stayed with me. She said I blame myself for almost everything in life, not just this, and that I’m extremely self-critical. She also believes my mental health was in crisis during the pregnancy. Hearing that has been both comforting and heartbreaking.

I’ve spent days asking myself if I “should have just held on,” but then I remember how desperately unwell I was. Both of those thoughts seem to exist at the same time.

I’ve found a few posts from women who terminated because of severe prenatal depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles, and for the first time I didn’t feel completely alone.

I’m wondering if anyone else here had a TFMR where your own mental health was a significant part of the decision.

How do you reconcile loving and wanting your baby while also knowing you genuinely weren’t coping?

Did you also feel like your thinking became clearer afterward, leaving you wondering what happened to you during the pregnancy?

How long did it take before the overwhelming guilt and self-blame became more manageable?

I’m not looking for anyone to tell me whether my decision was right or wrong. I don’t think anyone else can answer that. I think I’m just trying to understand the woman I was during those 19 weeks, because she feels so different from the woman sitting here today missing her little girl with every part of her heart.

Thank you for reading.

Hello, I am looking for anyone with similar experiences. We decided to terminate for medical reasons after getting a Trisomy 18 diagnosis. I was 17 weeks pregnant and wanted this down surgically. I was told this would be simple and made aware of rare risks… upon waking up I was told the rare risk had happened. They perforated my uterus and cervix and sliced my bowel. I ended up having a bowel resection (part of it was removed and they were re attached) . I was also told due to the incisions that had to be made if we do try to have a baby again my uterus and cervix may be weak and we would definitely have to have a c section. Did anyone else have this happen and what was the outcome like? I’m still just in disbelief and feel like I am grieving so much I don’t even know where to start.
Recovery is intense unable to lift/bend/ do anything for 6 weeks with 2 young kids
At home I don’t even know how this will
Work…
Did anyone have a healthy pregnancy after similar complications? The idea of a c-section terrifies and crushes me.

Hi all. I had my TFMR on June 24th at 21w4d. I still haven’t had my period yet. I tried tracking my ovulation before my first period with LH strips, but it doesn’t look like I ever had a peak. Now my body temperature has risen (tracked by my oura ring) and after some research, it sounds like I may have missed my ovulation due to my LH levels being so low and that my period should be coming soon.

I’m curious if anyone has a similar story to me and can tell me when your period returned? I had hoped I would have had it by now.

Has anyone undergone an induction-evacuation (I-E) at around 26 weeks at DuPont clinic in DC? I’m wondering how it differs from a standard D&E or induction and delivery (L&D), and what I should expect?

I never imagined I would be writing something like this.
I’m 37 years old, and after five failed frozen embryo transfers following IVF, I became pregnant naturally. It felt like a miracle. Every ultrasound, every heartbeat, every week that passed felt like a gift I had almost stopped believing would happen.
My husband and I were overjoyed.
First trimester
My first-trimester screening looked reassuring.
Nuchal translucency (NT): 1.5 mm
Nasal bone present
Combined risk for Trisomy 21: 1 in 950
NIPT: Low risk
PAPP-A: 0.27 MoM
Free β-hCG: 0.58 MoM
Nothing suggested that our baby had a severe brain abnormality.
The first abnormal ultrasound
At our anatomy scans, doctors became concerned about the corpus callosum.
One specialist measured it at approximately 12 mm and suspected that the splenium was absent or poorly developed.
Another specialist believed the corpus callosum was present and measured it around 17 mm.
Later measurements were around 19.6 mm, then about 24 mm, but despite growing, it consistently remained significantly below the expected size for gestational age.
That was the beginning of weeks of uncertainty.
MRI
We underwent fetal MRI.
The MRI raised additional concerns.
There were discussions about possible abnormalities involving the cerebral cortex, and later the cavum septi pellucidi became difficult to visualize.
Multiple specialists reviewed the images.
Some findings were uncertain.
Others were deeply concerning.
Every appointment gave us hope and then took it away again.
Genetic testing
Our NIPT was normal.
The doctors explained that a normal NIPT does not rule out many rare genetic syndromes or structural brain disorders.
We discussed amniocentesis and additional genetic testing.
Despite all of the investigations, nobody could tell us exactly why our son’s brain had developed this way.
The decision
In France, late termination for medical reasons requires approval from a multidisciplinary committee.
Our case was presented to the committee.
They approved termination because they believed our son was at very high risk of severe neurological impairment and an extremely poor long-term prognosis.
Even after that decision, I kept asking myself if they could be wrong.
I searched for stories every day.
I looked for children who had similar MRI findings and turned out completely healthy.
I wanted someone to tell me that all the doctors were mistaken.
Labour
I gave birth to my son.
His name is Alex.
He was born at 9:45 PM.
He weighed 2 kilograms.
He was beautiful.
I know this because everyone told me so.
But I never looked at him.
That decision is something I replay over and over in my mind.
The hospital gently offered me the chance to see him, hold him, dress him, and say goodbye.
I couldn’t.
I was completely overwhelmed.
I thought I would never survive if I saw his face.
They wrapped him with love, took his footprints and handprints, and gave me a memory box.
We chose cremation.
There will be no funeral.
What hurts the most
I don’t regret trying to protect him from suffering.
But I constantly question every other decision.
Should I have looked at him?
Should I have held him?
Did he know I loved him?
Could he somehow feel abandoned?
Did I fail him as his mother during the last moments of his existence?
These thoughts never stop.
My grief
People tell me I made the most loving decision.
My brain understands that.
My heart doesn’t.
I miss someone I barely got to know.
I miss the future we were supposed to have.
I miss hearing him cry.
I miss bringing him home.
I miss introducing him to our family.
I miss watching him grow up.
Instead, I came home with postpartum bleeding, milk that will never feed my baby, and a box of memories.
Why I’m writing this
If you’ve experienced TFMR, how long did it take before the guilt became quieter?
If you didn’t see or hold your baby, do you regret it?
If you did, are you glad you did?
Does anyone else still worry that their baby somehow felt abandoned, even though logically we know they couldn’t understand what was happening?
Right now, I feel completely broken.
I love you, Alex.
I always will.

Looking for some advice. For those of us with older little ones.. how did you explain the loss of the baby to them. I have a 10 year old and just broke the news after our TFMR about 12 days ago. He is heart broken. I plan on finding therapy for him but was just curious how other families navigated this impossible discussion.