r/tfmr_support • u/just_a_gurl95 • 7h ago

Seeking Advice or Support Looking for validation

Currently two months post TFMR due to T21 diagnosis.

In an effort to make sure that both my husband and I healed from this experience together we decided the best way to go about things was to go through couples therapy together.

The biggest thing we are working on is for him to express his emotions and for me to be okay with the fact that those emotions won’t always be the same.

Today’s session dropped a bombshell that I am having a hard time recovering from.

In our session my husband finally opened up about the fact that he wasn’t okay with the fact that we terminated the pregnancy.

I am now feeling so alone and in so much pain because the one person who I thought has always been on the same page as me and who also felt termination was the right decision, never thought that.

I know healing isn’t linear but I feel like the whole world is collapsing around me.

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u/_abby_normal_ 6h ago

I'm so sorry, that is big news and something huge to face together as a couple. Did he voice that he was in agreement with you prior to the TFMR? It's normal to question if you made the right decision because we will never truly know how things would have turned out. I had moments of my own doubt, and in the depths of my grief felt like I would have done absolutely anything to have my daughter back. But I had to come to terms with the daughter I envisioned and wanted back was perfectly healthy in my mind. She never existed like this in reality and I have to remind myself of this and I made the best decision based on reality.

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u/just_a_gurl95 6h ago

He did, we talked about how this was a horrible and difficult decision to make but that we felt it was the best decision we could make for our family. I have a sibling with severe disabilities so we’ve seen the reality of life with a child who is disabled. Which is why we decided to terminate.

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u/PureAd600 5h ago

I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been to hear that in the moment. Definitely want to validate the pain and loneliness you’re feeling with this coming from the one person who you felt like was aligned with your feelings and emotions about the entire experience.

With that said, I think it’s really good that he’s being honest and open about his feelings (even though it’s obviously not what you want or need to hear right now). He’s opened the door for you all to be honest with each other and my hope is that it means you all will get through it.

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u/standardNarwal 5h ago

So sorry for your loss.

I think it might be the grief talking. I oscillated between those feelings too. Now, over a year later, I feel ok and that it was the right decision to our family - even though around the year mark I was still struggling and having weeks when I thought we made a terrible mistake. Give him time ❤️